Page 8 | 100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

TizerorFizz · 2024-03-02T11:28:35+00:00

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

DogYoga · 02/03/2024 16:04

fruity81 · 02/03/2024 15:55

no backstory according to the sibling who is very close to her mother

but of wager a large amount that the 2 siblings not coming have a back story. and a big one at that!

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Agree.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 02/03/2024 16:07

Twatalert · 02/03/2024 15:42

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g well, plenty of posters also came to the conclusion that the siblings are completely unreasonable in not attending without knowing the family and that a 100th birthday ought to be attended no matter what. So they made this judgement based on their own experience with their upbringing. I didn't see you picking up on that though.

No, I didn't pick up on that, because my default assumption is that most people would make an effort to visit for the 100th birthday of their parent, and probably for their grandparent. My grandmother died three months before she reached that milestone. We were all* planning to be there on the day otherwise and it was very sad that instead we all met up at her funeral.

Not all families sadly have those close relationships, but I honestly believe they are in a minority.

*Both her children and their spouses, all her grandchildren, all the great-grandchildren, probably some of her nieces and nephews as well

fruity81 · 02/03/2024 16:08

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this one as it is not in the spirit of the site.

because they aren’t in a close enough or loving rel with your mother to warrant the effort.

I applaud them for exercising their right as an adult not to attend something that they just don’t want to because that person doesn’t mean enough for them. And that doesn’t happen overnight OP.

And you…. stamping your feet and furious indicates that perhaps they feel the same way about you

Teenangels · 02/03/2024 16:10

OP, who moved away? Did you move away and your mum followed.

Are all your children coming to see you over Easter?

Do your siblings have children that they want to spend time with?

Also network rail website, says that there will be major disruptions over Easter weekend.

fruity81 · 02/03/2024 16:11

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

No, I didn't pick up on that, because my default assumption is that most people would make an effort to visit for the 100th birthday of their parent, and probably for their grandparent.

head over to the stately homes thread (of which there are multiplied) and i think you’ll find it a sobering and eye opening experience

Twatalert · 02/03/2024 16:13

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Im going to say it again: adult children do not cut ties with someone who was a loving mother for silly reasons. The chances are almost zero. If they respected or even adored their mother they would come to this birthday. The relationship sounds broken and it's incredibly painful to not have a relationship with you mother or family as an adult child. Nobody makes this decision lightly and it's not EASY or SELFISH. It's in fact a very difficult thing to do and live with.

BroughttoyoubyBerocca · 02/03/2024 16:14

Don’t tell your mum in advance but just enjoy the birthday

FedUpMumof10YO · 02/03/2024 16:16

Another vote for you not telling them.

Their conscious is just that ..theirs.

You can't make people care or attend.'

FedUpMumof10YO · 02/03/2024 16:17

*not telling your Mum

fruity81 · 02/03/2024 16:21

Twatalert · 02/03/2024 16:13

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Im going to say it again: adult children do not cut ties with someone who was a loving mother for silly reasons. The chances are almost zero. If they respected or even adored their mother they would come to this birthday. The relationship sounds broken and it's incredibly painful to not have a relationship with you mother or family as an adult child. Nobody makes this decision lightly and it's not EASY or SELFISH. It's in fact a very difficult thing to do and live with.

exactly

the op says no backstory
for her

but for these two sisters… who have very very limited contact with their mother, there will very likely be a back story that means that have zero desire to see their mother

Saz12 · 02/03/2024 16:21

You could suggest a party that your siblings could travel to without train disruption shortly before or after the intended Easter weekend date. Ask them, see if they could travel at a nearby date instead. Have a smaller "do" on the actual day of the birthday.

If they dont want to visit at all, then so be it.

JudgeJ · 02/03/2024 16:23

Flyeeeeer · 02/03/2024 14:10

What’s the betting those absentees will be doing the grieving relative act at this lady’s funeral. But cba to see her while she is alive.

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They will certainly be fit to come when there's property of their mother's to remove, either before or after she dies. Hopefully the OP has her mother's best interests protected from vultures.

stomachamelon · 02/03/2024 16:23

Their mother is 100.

What happened to just doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do? They should turn up and help their mother celebrate. They should be bothered.

You applaud them?

Wow.

fruity81 · 02/03/2024 16:24

stomachamelon · 02/03/2024 16:23

Their mother is 100.

What happened to just doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do? They should turn up and help their mother celebrate. They should be bothered.

You applaud them?

Wow.

What if this mother has been vile to these women. Denigrated, hurt, unsupportive… i could go on. And you still think they should travel 500 miles to celebrate with her?

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 02/03/2024 16:26

OP you do need to get a grip.

Travelling 500 miles by train at Easter, and paying accommodation for a minor celebration with an elderly relative you don’t have a close relationship with sounds a bit of a faff to be honest.

This is an event you have organised and want to take place near you - you cannot control what others want to do. Just let it go and don’t spoil the occasion for yourself and those who are attending by being so angry. Sounds like you have a lot of people coming already, it’s just 2 people not attending.

I suspect there are many other reasons these two people cannot/do not want to attend and I would be interested to know their side of the story.

Barleysugar86 · 02/03/2024 16:29

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 02/03/2024 13:56

Interesting how many people jump to the idea that people in their late 60s, 70s and early 80s are all incapable of making long journeys by train, or otherwise. Some will struggle with it, of course, but I do a lot of travelling up and down at the moment to visit my own elderly mum (91) and I see plenty of older people managing perfectly well. My parents were able to travel from Scotland to London by train in their mid 80s. My husband is in his late 60s now and the idea that he would struggle with a train journey is laughable.

Oddly I don't feel it is a health thing that I've seen with my own parents/ PIL, but somehow they find this kind of thing insurmountably stressful following retirement. It's so odd to me because - in the case of my parents especially- they were Londoners most of their lives and now will not entertain the idea of the tube and can't fathom the tube map. Anything on a train replacement service day would be an instant no from them too now.

My suspicion is perhaps retirement makes people quite insular often if you aren't straying far from home or having a woekplace constantly pushing you out of your comfort zone.

Oblomov24 · 02/03/2024 16:29

This is so poor. Tell them to tell her. That they can't be bothered to come.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 02/03/2024 16:37

Twatalert · 02/03/2024 16:13

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Im going to say it again: adult children do not cut ties with someone who was a loving mother for silly reasons. The chances are almost zero. If they respected or even adored their mother they would come to this birthday. The relationship sounds broken and it's incredibly painful to not have a relationship with you mother or family as an adult child. Nobody makes this decision lightly and it's not EASY or SELFISH. It's in fact a very difficult thing to do and live with.

adult children do not cut ties with someone who was a loving mother for silly reasons

Did I say they did? Did I say that nobody has troubled family relationships? No.

BeaRF75 · 02/03/2024 16:37

Once again..... They. Don't. Have. To. Come.

Only on Mumsnet is there this obsession with family birthdays - don't know anyone who is all that fussed 'in real life'.

Dartwarbler · 02/03/2024 16:39

NarnianQueen · 02/03/2024 11:31

If they're saying trains aren't reliable why aren't they sourcing other transport?

Like what? They may not drive, or it may be too far to safely drive without an overnight stay they can’t afford. Coaches are limited depending on where you live. And these are unreliable at peak holiday periods due to traffic buildup…never mind that above 6 hours on a coach is nasty if you’re tall, have back problems etc.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 02/03/2024 16:40

If we were talking about her 37th birthday, or her 88th, I'd agree with you, but 100th is really special. It's illogical, but it is. Telegram from the King, if the family's requested it. Local paper may cover it.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/03/2024 16:50

Anything on a train replacement service day would be an instant no from them too now

Probably because train replacement services take an interminable amount of time. I came back from Devon and had to take a replacement service from Reading to SW London and it took nearly as long as it did to travel from Exeter to Reading. That's bloody annoying and inconvenient however young or old you are.

TheCatOnMorrisseysHead · 02/03/2024 16:51

Is she an arse? My granny is an arse. I wouldn't be making any special effort to attend her birthday.

rookiemere · 02/03/2024 16:53

Have you suggested that they come a different weekend?

I can understand not wanting to travel if rail services are impacted and a visit around the birthday either before or after would be just as special to your DM.

Dartwarbler · 02/03/2024 16:55

I’m on the trains ARE really shite page. I’m similar age , and haven’t been down to London to see DS in 2 years since Aventi took over from virgin. Used to go about 2 times per year or more. Trains get cancelled completely or delayed for hours. I get quite menopausally anxious going on any train journey these days, so I’m not about to head down to London to find myself stuck overnight as a lone women. DS has 1 bed rental so would cost me fortune in hotel at last minute. Or any minute.

driving takes me 7 plus hours and through central London is no fun for a rural driver, also dodgy back makes it extremely painful to drive that long even with breaks.

Fortunately DS comes up to see me enough and is more laid back cos I have room for him to stay and he can work from (my) home if needed. Or we meet half way at another son’s house.

Right now travel is hard on trains - didn’t used to be, is now. It doesn’t have to be taken as random excuse, just something that is overwhelming for folks involved.

can I suggest, OP, that you get a WhatsApp video call or similar set up. We do this for my Dad who has dementia and whose partner is overseas, and other family far away. We also did it with multiple fmaily groups over Covid celebration times. It is a poor substitute BUT it is at least so,ething. Siblings can organise sending presents ahead, everyone in their locations has bubbly and nibbles, and you party virtually.

if siblings aren’t up for that or refuse to do lion share to organise them you’ll know it is genuinely more “can’t be arsed/ don’t want to celebrate with her” than the travel issues, and will lay out exactly what’s going on.