100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

I hope that your mum enjoys her birthday OP.

I think MN is often the wrong place to post about family difficulties as a lot of posters tend to project their own experiences on a situation.

I don't know, not being part of the OP's family. I haven't closed my mind to any possible explanation for the OP's dilemma. It's pretty clear that some posters who have had difficult relationships with parents and/or siblings have jumped to the conclusion that this family is like theirs. We don't know. We have nothing like enough information to come to that conclusion.

So true!

what that they’re refusing to celebrate with their mother, and hardly ever see her?

And OP steadfastly and determinedly refuses to clarify whether these siblings are close to their mother

Just being someone’s mother doesn’t automatically entitle to your children travelling hundreds of miles to celebrate with you.

They actively do not want to and indeed avoid visiting her as much as possible

Reasonable to presume they don’t think she’s mother of the year

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea I think I now agree with you. Someone actually suggesting my siblings were abused! Total rubbish from many posters.

If you have an elderly relative, many of us find they don’t always have modern views. It’s not unkind it’s just having lived through another era. DM was a nurse in the war in London. Most people respect her and like her. Many of her former neighbours are coming. Until her friends all died, she had lots of them.

I do know what’s in her will. They probably don’t.

Thanks for the kind words of some of you.

The vast majority of track works and disruptions aren't even up on the National Rail website yet for Easter - and that's not to forget that there is almost inevitably strike action around every holiday period. If it's genuinely a thousand mile round trip (the OP's reason for not arranging a car), that's an absolutely guaranteed way to fall foul of multiple disruptions. And it would cost an absolute fortune/take hours to do so even if she miraculously lives right by a completely unaffected length of the UK rail network.

Walking five miles to a village pub (or further) is a lot different to be stuck on a bunch of vastly overcrowded (if running at all and they haven't cut the previous services, leading to there being no reservations and being left with the floor of the vestibule outside the toilet to sit on) trains for somewhere around ten hours.

Thinking about flying down? Travel to the airport could be screwed. Then there's travelling to the destination. Add in more strikes, huge crowds, weather disruption and the need to have suitable ID for a flight. Maybe they have passports - if they don't, as they don't drive, they can't do that.

It would be nice to think that being in your sixties guarantees perfect health, but even my apparently perfectly healthy right up until that moment siblings have started dropping like flies at exactly the age range concerned. There's also sight and hearing changes to take into account - walking in a lovely, quiet patch of greenery is completely different to navigating public transport on one of the busiest weekends all year when you can't quite see properly and can't hear what's going on.

In short, I can envisage many reasons why a journey of that length on that weekend is out of the question for people who aren't middleaged (ie, 35-55ish), they're knocking on 70.

very very very close to my dear mum

but i regard two adults not wishing to spend their mother’s 100th with her as a sign that possibly they aren’t remotely enamoured with her. So why should they be forced to travel hundreds and miles and spend money on accommodation and travel

it’s quite possible that these women are veterans of the “stately homes” thread

I feel for you.
Extremely poor and selfish behaviour.

I think that if a child doesn’t want to attend a parent’s milestone birthday I’d assume there’s a significant fracture.

And ‘modern’ ideas are rarely that. And there are plenty of older people with ‘modern’ views.

I wouldn’t see a family member with offensive views either, especially if it meant such a long trip.

i inherited £45,000 from a great uncle who i despised and never visited. He was obnoxious and unpleasant and plain horrible. I didn’t attend his funeral.

Hell. Yes. i accepted that £45k (without thanks!)

@BrightHarvestMoon Particular thanks to you. You are spot on. Absenting themselves and me doing the ferrying about has always been the norm. Anyway, yes, when the time comes the funeral arrangements will be down to me. I feel that as siblings didn’t visit mum in hospital, (4 occasions she was in hospital for extended stays) and one didn’t visit for 6 years, I feel the big calls are mine to make. There’s no one to delegate to.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g well, plenty of posters also came to the conclusion that the siblings are completely unreasonable in not attending without knowing the family and that a 100th birthday ought to be attended no matter what. So they made this judgement based on their own experience with their upbringing. I didn't see you picking up on that though.

irrespective of history and actual relationship Op… you think that people should attend their mother’s 100th regardless. Correct?

@TizerorFizz Firstly, why do you put in so much effort protecting your mother's image if it doesn't need protecting? Gah, such a red flag.

Secondly, you seem at war with your siblings and resent them for not caring for your mother. You need to understand that this relationship is between you and your mother. If what she needs exceeds your capacity in any way it's on you to set boundaries. Hating on your siblings and their boundaries is the wrong way.

You don't seem all that innocent. You obviously dislike your siblings. Perhaps the dislike it mutual. I just wonder if you think you or your mother played some part in this?

this will be one of those family events that no one enjoys i suspects. Strikes me as a joyless affair if the organiser is like this

OP, I mean this kindly you are expecting your siblings to do a 500 mile journey on trains at Easter, where part of the rail network will be down.

You expect them to attend a party/gathering that you have arranged, at a time convenient to you and your family.

Its clear you don’t like your siblings.

Invitations are just that and not a summons.

@Teenangels and don’t forget also pay for accommodation

@Twatalert For Gods sake. This is a MN thread. I’m explaining the position. Quite frankly you are unpleasant. There’s no back story. No nasty things lurking. So leave me alone if you cannot be pleasant. Anyway, why on earth did I ask for advice?! What a complete idiot I am.

Quite true.

Some are assuming the mother is a wonderful mother and all the blame must lie with her children/grandchildren.

Some are assuming the mother is the problem and all the blame must lie with her.

From the OP's posts, it seems the mother is not entirely unproblematic and the children/grandchildren don't have a close relationship with her. But we will never know the full situation and even the OP may not do so (or be willing to share it).

All of this discussion makes little difference. The relatives will continue to miss the party and the OP will continue to be angry at them for it.

Yes. Between the OP and her mum, I can see why others would swerve this party.

no backstory according to the sibling who is very close to her mother

but of wager a large amount that the 2 siblings not coming have a back story. and a big one at that!

Hopefully your mum has the sense to leave them out of the will. It's sad that people can't make an effort normally let alone a big birthday milestone.

I wouldn't shield her from other people's inability to attend, that's their job. Make it special for her and those that bother.

I think that’s a real shame and very sad for your mum. They should be going out of there way for such a special milestone.

Still, I wouldn’t dwell on their absence, don’t ’break’ it to your mum as if it’s bad news to be sad about. Make it about the people who will be there to celebrate with her.

YANBU OP.

None of us know very much at all about the OP or her mother. To assume that the old lady's children aren't bothering to visit her because she is horrible is unfair. It might just as easily be because the children are horrible themselves. We don't know and it feels like victim blaming. Personally I think you need a really good reason to miss your parent's 100th birthday.

Also, assuming that we aren't talking about any extreme views, it is totally unreasonable to expect a 100 year old to have modern day attitudes. The world was a very different place in the 1940s and 1950s when the old lady was a young adult.