🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Doesn't apply to many, but you can get a free passport if you're entitled to a British passport and were born before 2nd September 1929

Both my parents stopped driving due to Alzheimers. We haven't informed DVLA. DH is not currently driving due to health. He has a semi official diagnosis of epilepsy. When/if we get the diagnosis from a neurologist we'll contact DVLA. Either way he won't be driving.

Apologies for an off topic post but long standing posters may remember that back in 2020 my youngest son emigrated to Finland. They were the first wedding in their city after covid, all very hastily arranged. Arrangements confirmed on Friday, married on Wednesday with just us present and emigrated 2 days later. Brides parents were stuck in Abu Dhabi. Very relieved as otherwise he would have had to convince the check in person they had been living together for 2 years to be eligible to enter Finland. Timing was determined by Brexit so all very stressful. He enrolled in a degree course - did the entrance exam in the UK the day before lockdown started!
Today he got his results and he's passed with a great grade and goes on to do a masters in water and waste management next. I'm just sad that he couldn't say a proper goodbye to his 3 grandparents who have now died and mum won't remember 5 minutes after I tell her.

@countrygirl99 Great news about your DS. I remember the complexities and the hoop jumping and frustration. But hurrah for FaceTime. It's bittersweet I know, but enjoy the two-way celebrations this week and when you catch up in person.

Thanks@Mum5net what with covid, elderly parents and brexit impacts it was stressful all round. He didn't get to see either Grandad again after Christmas 2019 but at least he got back a couple of times to see his nan.

Congratulations @countrygirl99 fantastic news- but as you say, bittersweet.🌺

@countrygirl99 thank you for your good news, congratulations to your DS.

@countrygirl99 congratulations! You must be so proud. Bittersweet in a way. My DF died two days before DS got his degree results. Mixed emotions.

@BestIsWest it is bittersweet indeed. Went to see mum this evening and told her. 5 minutes later she was asking when he finishes uni. I must have told her 5 times in just over an hour.

@countrygirl99 .

Well done to your son @countrygirl99, a great achievement! COVID era certainly had its challenges.

@countrygirl99 Congratulations to your DS!

I sympathise about the pain of not being able to share children's achievements with their grandparents. They were always the only people I felt free to boast to because they'd also be proud.

Massively under appreciated today… any tips on how to explain to someone with complex medical needs and increasingly confused why they are in a nursing home?

Do I need to do a PowerPoint presentation that shows the pros/cons/costs with pictures?

Or do I just let myself be told how angry they are with me and move on. I’m struggling to find words that don’t agree but acknowledge their feeling loss of control etc.

@FiniteSagacity How about 'I am really sorry you are angry and upset about the situation. I am upset too, however there was no other viable alternative.' And repeat.

Nursing home is lovely too - but part of the challenge is the house that needs selling to pay for it, the other part is the verbal ‘lacks capacity’ but no written MCA stating that clearly.

But it old age/self-neglect is all a conspiracy and paramedics just kept taking to hospital ‘to fill their quota’.

@FiniteSagacity ugh I hear you, I've got that coming soon too. Currently at the stage of "Dr Foster knows bugger all and he's only given me that bloody certificate because he needs to justify his own job". OK mum yes I agree couldn't agree more, useless etc 🤐@TeenDivided I think I'll need to try that one.

@FiniteSagacity what about you’re here” until the doctors say you’re better? “
v hard

Hello,

I’ve read some of your posts and would like to join as I’m in a pretty similar boat. My mum, well in her 90s, moved into a care home about 6 months ago, discharged from hospital to the home. Prior to that she lived close to me having moved from the family home. I was very involved with as much care as she’d allow. Finally it was just awful, demanding, difficult, argumentative, at times threatening, very deaf, at times paranoia and at times delusional. I’m her only child and our relationship over the years has been at times toxic. I have my own family and health concerns and finally just couldn’t cope. She’s had 2 hospital admissions since arriving at the home in the last few months, she’s been in hospital for 2 months of the last 6 or 7. After her first hospital visit on return to the home I was called cruel, heartless and was kicked though no one saw that, that was just too much for me after years of her increasing reliance on me with no realisation what the impact was. This is the first time in my life I’ve needed support for my mental well being. Since her last hospital admission she has been calmer on my last 2 visits, perhaps she’s finally settled in. I hate visiting and hate myself for hating it. The stupid part about it is she talked many times about moving to a care home.

I’m completely drained and exhausted by it all.

Thanks for reading.

It sounds as if you've done a heroic job, @katgab . No wonder you're knackered.

Welcome @katgab, it sounds like you’ve done everything physically possible to support your mum and sorry she hasn’t appreciated all you’ve done. We see it though, and raise you a glass in salute. Hope your mental health is improving.

Just checking in to see how all are, sorry to read same difficult times.

Driving worries going to become more of an issue with my DD, DM has stopped, She was relatively safe but being too slow can cause other drivers to do dangerous things and I think she had tooting and Road rage aimed at her. She relies on DD whom she directs and shouts at …. He is going deaf and struggles with his hearing aids…. I won’t get in a car with him since he nearly drove off a roundabout the wrong way up an A road! DM has banned him driving at night (badly lit country roads). But there are no buses in the village and they will never move so the daily trip for coffee and every other day to Co Op are by car! When we visit I insist DH does all the driving.

Clearing MiL’s flat, she had a new recliner chair, remote control, that can literally tip you up to standing. We offered it to DMum and that DH would deliver, but ‘oh no she doesn’t need that sort of thing yet and hopes she never will!’ I guarantee she will fall trying to get up from the sofa in the next 6 months and DD won’t have strength to help her. She has a falls alarm but it sits on a desk for when she needs it🤔😮.

I can see the decline and same tell tale memory issues that MiL had, but DPs are not nearby and won’t expect me to help or care, so it will be watch and persuade them to pay for help as and when they need. DM is stubborn and has shouting outbursts at DD. And he gets childish in response and moans to my DS mostly who sympathises.

MiL funeral almost organised, but DH's SiL comes up with ideas that no one likes, including insisting MiL told her where she wanted her ashes - yet I spent way more time with her and she did not say same or write it with her wishes. I said to her at the start this is for the 3 sons to decide - they agree with her parents, the area she grew up and near 80% of family. I hope this doesn’t come up again. But to add to it same SiL also requesting ashes for Teddy bears, that she says her teenage grandson has found online !! So many reasons to prevent that, but will be up to DH to say a polite no, all other family are against.

It will be a relief to say our goodbyes. She reached a great age and never appeared to be in physical pain, before Alzheimer’s was fot and had a good sense of humour. That’s the person to remember. She wrote some wishes over 5 years ago which has helped with plans. And her biggest wish was for family rift to heal and sons to meet once a year, DH SiL not helping, I can’t see it happening. DH says he will have to meet them separately.

its a shame after the last two years of stress and worry for DH and mostly me that they can’t grow up and be less self focussed. it’s not my family and I am still talking to them all individually, just not together.

Hello to the Bad Daughters, I have been reading, and much fellow feeling to people struggling with the problems we are all so familiar with. I consider myself to have been blessed with my DM's saved money which gave us access to a good care home and my DM's relatively early entry to the care home without too many prior ambulances etc. but I am still wrung out and am in awe at what some of you are coping with.

I haven't posted much for a while as things have been very busy in a time of change and now very sad as My DM has died. Like many here I have waited for it, thinking that neither of us could take much more, but inevitably when it happens it's not what I wanted - I wanted the world to be magically different than it is. So here we are and it's the end of a difficult road but now it's a lonelier road. L'chaim to all the Bad Daughters and our DMs and DFs wherever they are.

Hello to everyone, sorry to hear about the challenges everyone is facing, you are all doing your best in very difficult circumstances.

@BinaryDot sorry to hear about your Mum's passing, I know my Mum still misses my grandmother as do I, even though the last while was very difficult. DH does still his mother too. We are always their children and they have been with us our whole lives. Be easy on yourself.

Still struggling on here, Aunt still refusing care or support, not eating at all now unless people put it in front of her, so if her neighbours don't go in she will not survive, but of course when they do professionals act like it isn't a problem anymore. Neighbours have had enough as she is being quite nasty to them now. She doesn't have capacity on assessment when she fails to eat and drink, but as soon as people provide it she perks up and then they go back to saying she has capacity. Between a rock and a hard place trying to get any help.

At least with my Dad he is being more open to accepting help after a fall that left him on the floor for a whole night. Falls pendant installation tomorrow, he is sorting out third party for his banking as well and we will register the POA with them so I can help him. He just can't see to do things like that anymore as his sight has deteriorated further. Sight services are coming in a few weeks to suggest aids to help him in the home.

My DM doing ok recently so I’ve been able to pay a bit more attention to DD and friends. All lovely. However … discovered that DM is paying £££££ for BT entertainment package that she never uses, and has been doing so for over 2 years. It took us hours to reset all the forgotten passwords to get into the email inbox that she swore she never used, to log into an online BT account that she didn’t know she had etc etc. She’s been sold a 2 year contract and apparently registered for online billing - which is how it slipped under the radar. She’s got capacity but is just not able to manage these sort of things online and is vulnerable to being taken advantage of by keen sales staff. She doesn’t want help at the time - just when it needs sorting out afterwards. PoA no help here as she is capable enough to cause her own problems.
I wish these companies should exercise a greater duty of care with older customers but I’m at a loss as to think how. Sigh!

And @BinaryDot sorry to hear your sad news.