🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Evening all, may I pull up a chair and join the cafe?

Longtime MN user, recent name change as DSis might be on MN. I am desperately hoping that she isn’t on this board as she will go nuts if she sees this.

So, DM in mid 80s. Cognitively ok but declining physically. Recent fall brought a lot of issues to the surface. DSis lives at home with DM, always has. All rather co-dependent.

DM’s care needs have changed, currently going through a care needs assessment (which I started, with her permission). The problem isn’t so much DM, but DSis. On one hand, I am told by DSis that I don’t do enough to help. That she is seen as the default carer as she is the single, 50 something sister living at home. Lots of emotional outbursts. But when I do try to help, it gets pushed away.

So now the daily carers helping mum with personal care are likely to be declined by DM as DSis is stressed about them coming in. Too inconsistent apparently. But DSis is then highly resentful of how much she is doing for DM and rages at me for my “lack of help”. Or goes silent on me. I don’t know if I am coming or going.

But I do help, just not as and when my DSIs wants. I am the bad daughter and sister that moved away. Got married, had dc etc. I can’t and won’t upend my life to run around after DM when I strongly suspect that she doesn’t actually want or need the level of care my DSis thinks she needs. Lots more I could add, but that is probably enough for now!

It’s all one big old mess that is just going to get messier and messier. Thank goodness for my lovely DH who has got my back.

i strongly suspect that I am at the beginning of a long membership of this board. Any words of advice will be greatly appreciated.

I’m so sorry for your loss @BinaryDot i do know exactly what you mean, a year after dms passing. 🌺🌺
@DebtheSander that all sounds very difficult- could you get your dsis out somewhere neutral to talk? And find out what she really wants? Vent away here.

@BinaryDot I’m really sorry for your loss

@thesandwich A neutral territory meeting may well be the best next step. Thank you.

@DebtheSander that sounds difficult. Could it be possible that your sister feels the emotional pressure of living with your DM, but doesn’t know how to deal with it or her fears around thr realities of your DM’s decline if they’re co-dependent? A discussion on neutral territory where you can both share your feelings honestly sounds a good idea.

@funnelfan you are spot on. For years DSis has talked about how when mum needs more support she will happily take on that role. I have tried for years to very, very gently suggest that a plan for the future might be a good idea. Now that we are here, she has gone into an emotional tail spin. And I’m to blame.

I know it sounds like that I am the awful sister who lives a couple of hours away telling the daughter who does everything, what to do. But that really isn’t it. I truly believe that my dsis is terrified of losing mum. So she is lashing out at me, rejecting the carers, complaining about healthcare workers etc. She is angry about how much is on her plate but won’t let me or anyone else take anything off her plate. Even though DM has said she wants carers in. DM is stuck in the middle, not getting the support she needs because this has all become about DSis. It’s exhausting.

But thank you both @funnelfan and
@thesandwich for replying and your advice. It really is appreciated.

DM has said she wants carers in. DM is stuck in the middle, not getting the support she needs

This sounds like the key point to focus on. Sorry you’ve got more on your plate managing both your mum and your sister. In an ideal world you could thrash this out with your sister and then both move forward together. Is this is what you tried to do when raising it gently before? It sounds like the time for gentle conversations has now passed and a bit of directness is needed.

@DebtheSander this sounds a bit like the life of my Auntie, my Mum’s sister, who looked after my Nan until she died. This was when I was a child so 40 years ago then; the world was different but the family dynamic sounds very similar. Auntie never married or left home and was happy to look after Nan. My DM obviously had me, was married and was happy not to look after Nan! But they did agree about it and between them after Nan died my Auntie got the greater share of some small cash inheritance as that was fair, and got to stay on as a tenant in the Council house where she’d been brought up.
My point is, Auntie never really grew up and moved on. She was very good to me when I was young, but never had a life of her own. She died a few years ago at 85 and nothing had really changed.
I think your DSis may well be at a point in mid life where she realises that your DM is all she got, it’s too late for her own DCs, and what is her life going to look like afterwards? I agree you need to broach the issue of care as pps have said as that is the pressing issue now, but it sounds as though a lot of her reaction is fear of the future and fear of change. She will need help working through that, and gentle encouragement to step outside her comfort zones. After your DM is gone, she will probably feel more alone than you will, and your relationship will be super important in the years to come.
Hope I’m not reading too much into this, but it is v similar to my own family.

Went to see DM (83) at the weekend. Usually after lots of moaning on the phone, she perks up when we visit. This time it was different and she was saying similar things face to face. I have PoA (for finance only) and it may be time to put this into action soon, but if there is an intermediate stage where she still has some control I would appreciate some advice. I would prefer things to happen on a more gradual basis.
ddog was behaving oddly and whining a lot while we were there. Usually ddog sits close to DM, who rewards him well with bits of cheese and digestive biscuits. This time he avoided her and wanted to be on DHs knee. Is ddog picking up something?

When setting up a Finance POA, you choose whether to have it effective immediately, or only once there is no capacity. Which do you have? I don't know what you have to do to prove there is no capacity, or if anyone checks.

Going through this with my Aunt at the moment. You either need a doctor or another professional like a social worker or judge to provide a letter stating they do not have capacity for the POA to activate (if activates when they lose capacity) or they need to write and sign a letter giving you permission to act on their behalf (like ordinary power of attorney).

I activated mums PoA fairly early on due to her failing eyesight and inability to manage her bank account. The PoA was set up that we could do this. The bank gave me a card and full online access, and I just carried out mums instructions to start with, she was in control of the decision making. As she’s lost cognitive powers, I’ve gradually taken on more and more of the decision making, in line with how she used to want things done, and now I tell DB instead every time I spend anything over and above the usual weekly shop so there is a contemporaneous record of spending outside normal patterns.

@catndogslife If the PoA is set to to allow activation any time, I would do it sooner than later with her bank because then you are ready to use it if needed and not stuck trying to arrange an urgent payment and wrangle the bank all at the same time.

@PanettonePudding the POA was set up several years ago, so it must be the latter. 2 attorneys were named but the other is now deceased.
@Choconuttolata the letter of authorisation sounds like the correct first step.
DM is able to manage some payments over the phone but cannot manage anything online. I don't see DM willingly going to the doctors to ask for a capacity test!
@funnelfan Yes I do have a goldenballs DB who lives abroad and thinks that I don't do enough. He hasn't been back to the UK for 20 years plus!

Hello to all of the other ‘bad daughters’ - I haven’t posted on this thread before, but have just about had enough of it all today. DM having palliative treatment for metastatic womb cancer that’s eating her pelvis - 3.5 years later, after massive reconstructive surgeries and over 300 hospital appointments (yes, I did actually look back and count), they’re trying to keep her going for as
long as possible, but the God’s only know why, when her quality of life is not good, she’s miserable and tells any
medical professional she’s waiting for Death with open arms).

Yesterday I took her shopping and she had a sulk as I didn’t have time to take her to all 3 of the big supermarkets she wanted to visit. It takes hours to get round them with me pushing the wheelchair and trying to
cajole her into buying actual food to go with her booze, and it feels lime or sucking the life from me! When I took her home she waved a letter from HMRC at me that said she owes £300 in daily penalties as her SA return is so late, and she told me it was my fault for not doing it -
but it’s the first I’ve heard about it! She shouldn’t even need to complete one really, was a one-off years ago after
DF’s death, but I’ll have a heck of a time trying to sort it out as the POA hasn’t come through yet and she won’t speak to them, even if she isn’t away away with the fairies due to painkillers/meds.

This morning she wasn’t answering her phone and when I went to pick her up for a hospital appointment she had literally just woken up after zonking out on her recliner chair last evening. By the time she was cleaned up - bladder incontinence as it was fried by radiotherapy - we were behind schedule and she got nasty with me for trying to rush her and then told her friend/neighbour as we passed when I wheeled her to the car that I was cross her and she was “in disgrace, again”. Honestly, it pisses me off so much!

Obviously we missed her appointment so had to wait an hour and a half to be seen. I don’t care if I’m a bad daughter - if I could walk away today, I would.

DM has recently started mentioning that she’s trying to keep her living costs down and makes a thing of refusing to buy ‘expensive’ biscuits, because she wants to leave money for me. Today I bit back and told her that actually what I’d be getting would probably be 25% of nothing -
everything to be equally shared between 3 siblings/step siblings who never bother with her at all and I - as the parallel wills she and DF had drawn up years ago are so inappropriate it’ll take a lot of money to have it all challenged and sorted out properly (complicated situation with property left in trust for a disabled family member who can never meet the requirements of the will to be able to live there in any event). DM knows it’s all a mess for me to sort out once she’s gone, but won’t change anything as it would be a betrayal of DF (who died 4.5 years ago). FFS.

Rant over. Thank you.

Hello @NotTheMrMenAgain draw up a chair a have glass or mug of whatever takes your fancy. Sorry to hear things are tough.

DH and I have a week off work and today he wanted to tackle the garden so I decided to visit mum as it could then leave the weekend free. Oh my. Got there to find water pouring from a door frame in the room below the bathroom. Thankfully mum has top class (expensive) British Gas Homecare cover so I picked up the phone to call them to find no dial tone! BG plumber turned up within the hour, long story short the leaky pipe is a original lead pipe nearly 90 years old buried deep in the wall/house infrastructure somewhere and needs a long return visit with his boss before they start making more huge holes. Uncovered evidence that the leak has been going on for ages as the joists are mouldy and rotten so plenty to fix going forwards.

BT less helpful. The fault is nothing to do with the pipe leak and is on their side but they couldn’t guarantee anyone would fix it before Friday evening, despite me explaining why an elderly, vulnerable disabled woman shouldn't be going that long without a phone.

So now I face a long period of dealing with various utilities, insurance companies and decorators, and many many 180 mile round trips to “supervise” the work as mum gets very distressed without someone there to manage it for her. And bang goes our much needed week off.

There are no organisations in the world that I hate more than BT and Openreach. Personal and work experience have both been dreadful. When we have a issue at work and it involves them we all groan because we know what it will be like and how long it will take to get the simplest thing sorted and we spend several millions with them every year.

My Dad had no BT service recently for weeks because someone crashed into the box. They installed a temporary mobile chip based device to operate his TV but the phone bit didn't work so he had to use his mobile phone which he can't see properly to work. It took ages on hold to customer service to get that sorted though. They are a nightmare.

Years ago an elderly aunt of DH's, later diagnosed with dementia, somehow disconnected herself from BT and arranged broadband with another company. As there was no POA we never did get to the bottom of what happened, whether she'd been taken in by some unscrupulous sales team or what, but she had no use for broadband and desperately needed her landline to work with her emergency call/alarm system. She had no recollection of arranging any changes at all. She was frail and lived alone. It took months to get her landline reconnected. BT were terrible. You'd think they'd be happy to welcome an old customer 'back'.

Thankfully my pleading with BT resulted in a man going to the pole outside the house the next morning and now working ok. The neighbour tells me they’re up the pole very often so I suspect the infrastructure is creaky and old. I know the feeling.

The plumbing on the other hand is turning into a Saga. A second plumber came out this morning and it turns out the root cause is actually the toilet cistern with a massive crack in it. Very relieved to know the cause but the fixing and putting things back together will probably drag for a while. Lots of phone calls and project management on top of the usual. You know the drill.

Just popping in for a catch up. @funnelfan sorry to hear your weeks plans are now project managing ! I am not sure that any utilities/phone companies are great BUT was pleasantly surprised whilst helping with probate by Thames Water who have a specialist bereavement service / the lady I spoke to couldn’t have been better. May have bern luck, I don’t know. B Gas dreadful, either chat CGT or a very sweet but slightly clueless young lady in South Africa. Funeral was yesterday and despite some concerns in DH family with the fall outs and politics, it went better than expected, and the sun being out was lovely too. Off on a holiday and when back off to ‘babysit’ for DM who would be furious to think I said that. Tried to convince her to have MiL new recliner chair as DM really can’t get up and down easily - her conclusion was she didn’t need and hoped she never would! A bit like the falls alarm that spends most of it time on a desk…. DPs have asked me 3 times when I go on holiday and at one point thought we were going before the funeral! I am finding DD’s lack of joined up thinking and confusion with dates a worrying sign of things to come, but DSis just gets exasperated whilst also defending him and backing him always versus DM. I have to bite my tongue as I have seen the future, and siblings haven’t.

@Juneday I’m glad the funeral went better than expected, that’s a mercy. Enjoy your holiday!

I agree B Gas are woeful - they make it so difficult to contact them that they must have loads of vulnerable customers unable to sort anything out.

@funnelfan wishing you strength with the project management and well done on getting BT moving. Really hoping you get some headspace in your week off.

DF has been much more stable since the move into the nursing home where his complex medical needs are attended to. I actually have hope now that he might have some time left to enjoy life there (which is a world away from the constant worry of the last 6-9 months).

Mentally DF is increasingly confused though, textbook sundowning whenever I visit later in the day. Bracing myself to discuss finances simply and clearly with him (when DF hasn’t really managed his finances or affairs in a long time). As still waiting for LPOAs and no formal MCA.

Slightly hopeful that social care are sending someone who cares and understands the extent of DFs needs - but also scared to be hopeful.

Hi everyone, I’m new to this thread. I fear I’m near the start of my parent’s deterioration with health both physical & mental. DF was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 18 months ago. He’s become increasingly more vocal about his homophobia & racism. It’s so hard to manage. I’m forever having to reconnect his iPad to the internet because somehow he loses his connection and yesterday found open porn sites on screen when I logged on. He’s in his 80’s.

DM has had some physical health issues but nothing too extreme but is increasing struggling. This week has thrown me because she fell victim to a scammer. I just can’t believe she fell for such a ridiculous fabrication of lies & it was only the banks fraud checks that prevented thousands being lost . Up until this week I felt comfortable that she was coping with life. I had to leave work & spent 3 hours sorting it out.

Im just registering POA for them both & feel this week was a watershed moment that everything has changed for them and for me.

for the first time in my life my GP asked me if I needed to be signed off work for burnout. I’m worried that if I say yes, I’ll never go back and financially that just isn’t viable.

reading this thread made me feel as if I’d found my people!

Welcome MissMarian. I’d listen to your GP, they sound very supportive.

I went for ankle pain & talked about having zero motivation to do any exercise (or indeed anything over & above work & caring) and she asked about my mood to which I burst into tears. I was in the appointment for nearly half an hour (sorry to anyone who had a 8.10 or 8.20am time slot)
She was really supportive

Hugs to all who needs it x
Nan had a fall on Monday. She had insisted on me taking her to the bank and post office. I didn't want to as it is way too much for her - she uses a walker but doesn't hold the handles properly and hunches right over. But anyway, she insisted. Just got back to the car and the walker got away from her and she went down. I rang an ambulance as she immediately cried out about her back. Ambulance advised they would be several hours at which point I had abit of a meltdown. She is almost 99 years old and the cold, hard floor of a car park - how is that not an emergency?? Anyway long story short, a (lucky beyond belief for us!) passing paramedic helped and eventually the ambulance came. She had x-rays, no broken bones, and observations for a few hours and then was allowed home. We are, between us and the carers, providing care around the clock until she heals as she is very sore but my god she is being difficult. Needs the help but won't let us help. Won't let the carer wash her, won't go to bed.... She is usually pretty independent - only really has the carers for my peace of mind. Who would want to live to 99??? Not me that's for sure