DM wants a riser-chair costing £4.5k! Advice v welcome

[Valleyofthedollymix]

DM is 82 with moderate dementia. It affects her mobility more than her cognitive abilities but I don't know how much this is to do with the dementia and how much is due to her lack of exercise over many years.

She is currently burning through finite funds by living in a large house with a very expensive live-in carer through an agency. After a lifetime of being careful with money, she's spending like Liberace and it's going to run out, especially since I think she'll live a long time. Frustratingly, the extravagance encouraged by the carer, for example endless new pairs of trousers and cashmere jumpers (one week she bought six). If we query this spending, it gets turned into a black mark against us - for someone with a failing memory, DM can keep a really good tally of the ways in which we've 'denied' her.

Anyway the latest was the carer organising for a bespoke riser recliner chair company to come round to demo. DM apparently 'fell in love' with the deluxe one and has chosen the fabric etc. It costs nearly £4600. This feels like an awful lot to me but apparently, it's tailor made for her spine, size etc.

Does anyone know if this is worth it? Of course, if it's a buy once buy the best situation and it'll change her life, fair enough, we'll find the funds. But I wouldn't spend that sort of money on anything without due diligence. I feel like we're being bounced into it. I'm also unsure of the wisdom of these chairs at all because might it exacerbate my mother's immobility?

So, if anyone has any knowledge on how much you need to spend and what's worth it, I'd be vvvv grateful.

Normally I would agree with you, but the mum has dementia and this is a fairly recent personality change. OP has POA so she has a duty to safeguard her mother's financial wellbeing. The carer not only facilitating but encouraging the spending is a safeguarding red flag and I think SS would take a dim view of the carer and the OP allowing this kind of reckless and out of character spending to go unchecked.

This stuff is so hard to on one hand it's her money but as she was so thrifty through her life it sounds like this spending isn't really "her".

My friend's mum had dementia and gave away £80k to scammers. She had been a very astute woman but lost all judgement. She wouldn't listen to my friend or even the police officer (a friend of his) he got to come round to tell her these were scams. In the end my friend moved in with her in order to intercept the scam letters and put a stop to it. It wasn't about inheritance - it was awful to watch his mum being ripped off and also to be wasting funds she might need for care later.

As she lacks capacity and you have poa you get the card back from the carer, speak to the bank, issue a new card if you need cash otherwise everything else goes through you and online only. If the card gets lost, misused or stolen then that will be a major headache for poa.

I agree the carer needs to be replaced, but unless the spending is likely to put OPs mother in financial hardship, as long as she's spending it on herself and isn't being conned, I don't really think it should be restricted.

If there are too many clothes etc then I'd maybe encourage having a clear out.

I'd be really fucked off if my children thought they could stop me spending my own money. What's the point having it if you can't waste it on cashmere jumpers and buying yourself a fancy chair!

Would she know it was a second hand one ? I mean if she says she wants this chair then that's fine, get a chair but it doesn't need to come from this particular shop!

I’d change the cater and if they have to have a card only let them have one with a low limit.

id be worried rhe spending relates to dementia

Sounds like she needs a budget. Could you say she has x a month that you and bro won't comment on but anything else needs discussion, and make sure the carers card access is limited to that amount?
I've known what it's like to have to deal with cupboards and drawers full of identical slippers still in their plastic wrap. I can totally understand your fear of dealing that task when it comes.

Re the chair, it's morbid but everyone I know who got one, died shortly after. And all the families had a struggle to sell the thing after as the second hand market is so over saturated.

Very good points, this is new, she used to be careful with money, op is given poa for a reason and that carries responsibility. A decent experienced carer should know about safe mobility, therapists and equipment.

@JustWhatWeDontNeed id be pissed odd if my mother pissed away money she hasn’t earnt on things she didn’t need and didn’t being anybreal
joy but which would make a real difference to my or my children’s life. I think most people would be.

Honestly I do appreciate the posters saying I sound like I'm concerned about my inheritance and trying to restrict a wealthy woman's spending - I know that sounds like I'm being snarky, but I do, because I worry about that myself. I do need to question myself to make sure.

That said, it is uncharacteristic and I think it's wasteful. We don't just let people with dementia do whatever they want. Some of it is in within reason and it may well be that she needs the fancy chair. I just want to make sure that the spending is wise.

As to whether there is enough money for her ongoing care. Yes, for the moment, but it's finite. I'm assuming there will be nothing to inherit, and that's fine, I'm more worried about her living for another 12 years and the money for care running out. And if we were smarter about spending that wouldn't be a risk.

You have a duty here.

You MUST replace the carer.

Could you phone Age Concern for some advice regarding the carer?

@Valleyofthedollymix

I would call the care company, say you're unhappy with the carer and request another. This is perfectly normal.

What would you rather she did with it?
Pass it down maybe?

I’d have sharp words with the agency, either replace the carer or change agency.

For my Nan getting in and out of her chair was a kind of exercise in itself, as her world got smaller and walks, outings etc dwindled to none.

Bloody hell... It's HER money!

To be fair, the carer doesn't spend anything other than the supermarket delivery order (which we check), she says to us 'Mum got some new trousers, hope that's ok' or 'mum has fallen in love with the recliner chair that I organised to show her and can you buy it'. So she's not spending the money herself, but I do feel bounced it into for fear of being the mean daughter otherwise.

I was so shocked when my mother ranted away at me for perceived hardships the day my dad died. She'd been adamant she wanted to go into a care home so I'd taken the view not to rush into buying a new bed etfc.

Very quick reply. I'm OT and would recommend you request urgent OT as your mother is At risk of falls That's the bit that makes an assessment urgent.

I used to issue the riser recliner chairs. They would have integral pressure relief and material that met infection control standards.

Good luck!

This is what I was going to say. That frivolous and unnecessary spending on clothes is out of character and most likely a result of the dementia - so part of the OP's mother's lack of capacity rather than a considered choice.

I'd also be concerned that the carer is exercising some influence on the spending - maybe getting some vicarious pleasure from it.

The cost of the chair may be justified thought, but I'd see if an OT assessment could be arranged before it's purchased.

Superstar thank you @herewegoagainonmydog that's top advice.

I do like the carer actually. She goes above and beyond in many ways and she's transformed my life with her efficiency. It's just in this area - I think she enjoys spending other people's money.

Might it be worth revisiting the idea of a care home? There's some very nice ones and they might have a better handle on how to manage any inappropriate spending.

If she's partial to sales patter and a glossy brochure, maybe she'll reconsider it.

Sorry also meant to say - if the chair is necessary then it also means that other stuff like toilet frames, grab rails/steps etc all get assessed and provided.

Another thing to emphasise is admission prevention and carer strain

If it's thought that the state might need to reassess/admit her to hospital etc then this is crudely an expense that can be avoided with the right equipment

Pre loved all the way , unless mum has a dodgy back that needs a specialist seat ?

All the magic words! Thank you so much.

Really appreciate all the thoughts, even those accusing me of being a money-grabbing daughter!

@Valleyofthedollymix When we needed one for an elderly relative, it was a private OT who did the measuring. Since a private OT could do it, I would imagine that your NHS OT would be able to - that's who I'd ask first of all.