DM wants a riser-chair costing £4.5k! Advice v welcome

[Valleyofthedollymix]

DM is 82 with moderate dementia. It affects her mobility more than her cognitive abilities but I don't know how much this is to do with the dementia and how much is due to her lack of exercise over many years.

She is currently burning through finite funds by living in a large house with a very expensive live-in carer through an agency. After a lifetime of being careful with money, she's spending like Liberace and it's going to run out, especially since I think she'll live a long time. Frustratingly, the extravagance encouraged by the carer, for example endless new pairs of trousers and cashmere jumpers (one week she bought six). If we query this spending, it gets turned into a black mark against us - for someone with a failing memory, DM can keep a really good tally of the ways in which we've 'denied' her.

Anyway the latest was the carer organising for a bespoke riser recliner chair company to come round to demo. DM apparently 'fell in love' with the deluxe one and has chosen the fabric etc. It costs nearly £4600. This feels like an awful lot to me but apparently, it's tailor made for her spine, size etc.

Does anyone know if this is worth it? Of course, if it's a buy once buy the best situation and it'll change her life, fair enough, we'll find the funds. But I wouldn't spend that sort of money on anything without due diligence. I feel like we're being bounced into it. I'm also unsure of the wisdom of these chairs at all because might it exacerbate my mother's immobility?

So, if anyone has any knowledge on how much you need to spend and what's worth it, I'd be vvvv grateful.

I put a spending limit on my mum’s card and had the bank call me if she tried to get cash in the branch.

To be fair, I think the 200 scarves were accumulated over the years. And all spending goes through my or my brother - it's just that if we say no to another pair of fugly elasticated trousers, we're the bad guys.

But if she has lots of money in the bank, and wants another pair of fugly elasticated trousers, why would you say no? If that's what she wants to spend her money on, why would you want to stop her?

a friend of mine went through similar her mum wasn't as wealthy as your mum seems to be but 1 of her daily carers had the lady on amazon and other online shops and they were buying utter garbage I think it was just to satisfy the carers shopping addiction.

@mrsm43s I see your point but it just feels incredibly wasteful and consumerist. Like, technically I could afford to fly first class, but I never would because it's a waste of money and I'd rather spend it on my children or give it to charity. And yes it is her money, but money she's inherited and I don't think her hardworking ancestors would want it pissed away like this.

OP you sound a sniffy that she’s inherited the money and choosing to spend it.

I see, well if she did have a social worker I think they'd be really concerned about this carer and expecting you to step in to protect your grandmothers financial wellbeing. You could contact social services for advice on this if you felt you needed it and they'll support you through the process of replacing the carer and so on.

@mrsm43s and also she has dementia - I don't know how much she actually wants these things or whether it's just an addiction or she's being influenced. I have teenage daughters - I see the empty thrill of buying shit off the internet every day!

But like I say, I do absolutely see your point and it's something I keep asking myself. The money isn't infinite though so we do need to have a proper conversation.

@NewYear24 yes I probably am a bit sniffy. We were always told growing up that if you inherit stuff, it's not yours, you're just a custodian. And I'm so grateful that she's got it and it makes her life better. We should all be so lucky!

But it doesn't matter what you think, or indeed what her ancestors would think. It's her money and she should be free to spend it on whatever she wants. Whatever makes her last years happier.

If you were saying that she was buying expensive gifts for others, then I'd definitely have concerns about capacity and coercion. But buying things for herself that make her happy - of course that's exactly what she should be spending her money on.

If she really wants one, go to the local British heart foundation charity shop or the local hospice one. The ones by us always have the riser recliners in their shops, only an hundred or so pounds. Most expensive one I saw was 200 and it looked pretty new.

The really important thing about those chairs is that they fit the person. They need to be right for the length of the user's leg bones - the right distance to the back of the chair, and the correct distance to the ground. You can buy secondhand - and I think you should - but she needs to be properly measured.

That's neither here nor there, she has POA for her mother who had dementia and is making worrying spending decisions, influenced by someone else, that could impact her future wellbeing. She has a duty to step in at some point and I think the 6 cashmere jumpers in a week and 200 scarves point is it!

Having said that the chair sounds like quite a useful purchase for an older person with mobility issues. The rest of it is concerning though and the mum needs support.

My friend who had MS bought one of those chairs are some extortionate amount of money but it was worth it for her. Was comfortable as she was losing muscle and becoming very thin. More to the point it made getting her upright so much easier. Maybe it's worth it for your mum.

The spending needs to be reined in though. A word in the carer's shell-like just to make it clear that there is no bottomless money pit and it might will have a direct effect on her long term employment.

Do you have POA?

Oh Valley I feel your pain! I'm sure I've mentioned on other threads the number of bloody cashmere jumpers that have been bought and then washed on 90 degrees over the years!
Re the chair, my mum got one via the District Nurses. Hideous but very much set up for her (size, weight, particular disability needs etc...). I had no idea they could be provided so I presume it's a well-kept secret?!

Yes we do have POA and she's lost capacity to use a bank card or deal with the bank in anyway. She can't use a mobile or the internet. Her spending is facilitated.

I think Meinkraft has hit the nail on the head - we need to try to make a distinction between useful and necessary spending, and useless stuff that gives a momentary thrill before going to landfill. We threw money at DF's last year - things like cataract operations that he barely got to enjoy and I don't regret a single penny of it. But DM is not terminal.

@Time40 do you know how you go about getting properly measured for a second-hand chair?

do you think your mum would benefit from the chair ? could you organise a time to go to the house and look at other companies selling the chairs. or definitely second hand.

@SeriouslyAgain I'm with you on those other threads!

I'm going to go all out on OT and the GP and see what I can get done. She needs more grab rails anyway.

You teeter close to sounding like you're more worried about your mum spending money you could go on inherit.

If she's got piles of money in the bank, and enough to fund years worth of care, then I don't see what the problem is tbh.

Yes it's wasteful, but she's allowed to be wasteful with her own funds - let the ancestors turn in their graves! She's old! What should she spend her money on instead?

Unless you have concerns that she's being conned out of her own money then I don't think it's appropriate for you to limit an extremely wealthy, elderly woman from buying herself jumpers.

I'm entitled to waste all my money before I die and suffer whatever the consequences of that may be.

I would limit what the carer is allowed to spend freely, but I don't think clothes shopping and a new chair are particularly unreasonable.

Whne you sa the carer can use a card, is that for her bank account? I would be tempted to get a cash card that you load with money, and when that weeks allowance is used up its gone. DS had a Euro one for his semester abroad when he was a student to save opening an overseas bank account, but you can get sterling ones as well.

Who is doing all this internet shopping? If running out of money is a genuine possibility, you may need to cancel the cards and have new ones issued that you control.

I think the chairs are done by person height they don't need to be "bespoke" .

There are reviews of riser recliner chairs on Which? - Best buys are at £1.5k You can join for a month and see the results.

She lacks capacity
You have poa
Time for a gp, ot and nurse home visit to determine her needs, overall capacity, safety and mobility
The therapists can assess her safely using a riser and if its appropriate, they may not think its suitable and suggest something else. If you do end up buying one look at sites like Care Co who specialise in mobility aids