Why would my aging mother lie about this? *title amended by MNHQ*

[XmasStag]

A cousin of mine died a few years ago. Around about the time of his annivasary my aunt texted me to say thanks for the card and for the mass for X (her son's name).

I never knew any of this.

When I got home I asked my mother and she said she sent a card to her and she said she will get a mass said in his name and then she signed it from the two of us.

I never knew any of this.

Anyways my mother never went to the local priest and she never got any mass said. I reminded her a few times since then but all it did was anger her and it's clear she has no intention of getting any mass said.

Why would she lie on her dead nephew?
It's dispicable.

Pretty sure Jesus would understand. Not so sure he'd be happy with you lambasting your mother.

Your poor mother

This x100.

if you’re religious get the mass said yourself then back off, if you aren’t then just back off.

your whipping yourself up when really the situation has nothing to do with you. It’s between your mum and her conscience (or maybe god). She offered your aunt a comforting gesture at a particularly poignant moment, she gave her a small bit of support. That’s not a bad thing regardless of whether she actioned a mass or not. Maybe that’s all she wanted to offer and didn’t have the words to do it in another way. Again, not a bad intention.

I feel like people are being deliberately obtuse. People do get very distracted by talk of religion, so maybe that's been the problem. Change it to

'my mum told my aunt she and I would sort the anniversary flowers for my cousin's grave but didn't bother, and never had any intention of doing it, and my aunt thinks she did it and is super grateful.'

Do people still feel the same? Would people still be saying grow the hell up, why do you hate your mum? I really don't think they would.

I can't believe a PP said it was none of the OPs business the mother involved the OP in a blatant lie without her knowledge!

I was going to tell the OP that she was overreacting but I’ve changed my mind having read this post, which makes a fair point.

My condolences on the loss of your cousin, OP.

eh?

Although I am not a Catholic (I am Anglican), I think I understand why you are so aggrieved about this.

However: Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

What's done is done and you cannot change your mother, but you can do something about it, so might I suggest that you go and speak to your priest about this. Tell him what has happened and explain how you feel. He will assist you in coming to terms with things and help you decide what to do.

Often people that are aging lose the ability to follow through with everyday tasks, they become apathetic, have poor concentration and memory problems. These are all recognised as early signs of dementia.

You seem very focussed on the "lie" - but think instead that your mother's intentions were good - she wanted to give comfort to your aunt and to think of her at the anniversary. So if the mass is important to you why don't you help your mother arrange it?

Different people find comfort in different things. I know that my SIL always has a mass said for my parents - it is a little odd to me as my parents were not Catholic and not religious - but it brings SIL comfort.

Thank you for helping me here and for backing me up. My mother never discussed the card or getting a mass said with me. I only found out when my aunt texted me thanking me and I had no idea and my mother never got the mass said and she had no intention of ever getting it said. It's the lie of telling her sister that and it's the circumstances.

I wrote the original post trying to figure out why someone would take such circumstances and just lie. She never had to include the promise of getting a mass said in the card but she did and she didn't have to.

It's not about me turning around and getting a mass said. It's the lie.

I know for a fact she had no intention of ever getting a mass said because in recent years she has showed some sort of a social anxiety and calling into a priest house would be something new and different and she would never do it.

The issue is that she never talked to me when she was putting down my name to her lie and just the circumstances in which she did it.

She diditn have to write it in that card and it's deplorable.

You really are making a huge deal about this. If you really care, forgive your mother for her "sin" and go and organise the mass yourself. And maybe throw in another mass so that people can pray for your mother's weakness

How old is your 'aging' Mum ?

There you go then. She probably meant to at the time, but her anxieties took over and she... didn't.

This. Show graciousness and forgiveness. Like a Catholic.

Oh OP. Your poor mum.

It's fine. I'm both Irish and Catholic - it's really not a big deal, it's a little odd, as usually an older generation will be very observant about things like this.

I cannot believe you've gone on & on at her.
If you want a Mass said, organise it. Leave your mum alone.

If you aren't prepared to get a Mass said, let it be. Your aunt is happy. Honestly a Mass being said, while a nice gesture, isn't going to remotely assuage her grief.

Why are you so upset? Could it be linked to your own grief about your nephew?

I'm going off at a tangent, but what has £37,000 savings got to do with anything?
Do RC priests charge for doing their job?

OP what would you like the outcome to be here? Your mum to admit she tell lies - would that make you happy? Or some other outcome. ?

It’s somewhat thoughtless but hardly ‘despicable’. Your aunt will be none the wiser.

Unless she said she was going to ‘get a mass’ the next day, she hasn’t technically lied, she could do it tomorrow and she would have fulfilled her promise. You need to be more Christian-like and forgiving.

Your Mum was sympathetic and supportive of your cousin. She sent a card and added your name as she thought you would want to be included in the wish to be nice to your cousin. ( The sort of thing I can imagine myself doing btw). Not sure why this would upset you rather than you saying 'thanks for including me, Mum'.

If she's not very confident socially I can well imagine that she said she would arrange a Mass, on the spur of the moment as a sympathetic, nice thing to say but couldn't pluck up the courage to actually do it irl.

A nice thing would be if you could help her by arranging the very kind Christian thought she had of having a Mass said. Your Mum sounds lovely.

I think you are completing overreacting.

You can either organise a mass yourself, or forget the whole thing. Your cousin won't benefit, or suffer, either way.

it's deplorable

You seem very harsh on your mum, who suffers from anxiety.

I do think you could be kinder to her.

OP this is clearly beef with your mum, rather than concern for your aunt or nephew. Your mum should have done it if she said she would, but the only thing that actually matters is your aunt felt she was being thought of (which she was, your mum sent a card).

If it bothers you, get a mass said, or forget about it.

Your cousin is dead, nothing matters to them.

Your Mum took the trouble to send a card which did the job for your aunt, so kudos to her for that.

Also keep in mind that perhaps your aunt is religious and your mum is not (whether she admits that or not) she may want to please your aunt but not to have to tangle with the church.

If you normally obsess like this, sort it out, it’s not healthy.

Otherwise stop being such hard work and find something more important to worry about.

So with your latest update, you think the reason your mum wouldn't have ever done this is because it would cause her too much anxiety to speak to the priest?

Then I would see it as an expression of hope that she did indeed plan to overcome her anxiety and speak to the priest. But when it came down to it, she couldn't overcome her anxiety and you bringing it up makes her even more stressed.

I feel really sorry for your mum. You sound pretty unforgiving and harsh. Why haven't you helped her to organise this by talking to the priest, since you know that's what's stopping her?

You sound like you really don’t like your mother.

Instead of thinking of it as a lie, why don’t you support your mother, who you say suffers with anxiety, to get the mass read?

I think you are being hugely unreasonable and actually…a bit odd.