Why would my aging mother lie about this? *title amended by MNHQ*

[XmasStag]

A cousin of mine died a few years ago. Around about the time of his annivasary my aunt texted me to say thanks for the card and for the mass for X (her son's name).

I never knew any of this.

When I got home I asked my mother and she said she sent a card to her and she said she will get a mass said in his name and then she signed it from the two of us.

I never knew any of this.

Anyways my mother never went to the local priest and she never got any mass said. I reminded her a few times since then but all it did was anger her and it's clear she has no intention of getting any mass said.

Why would she lie on her dead nephew?
It's dispicable.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum‘s anxiety, that must be stressful for her, and you must worry about her too

I understand why it’s irritating because it’s exactly what my mother would do and it’s probably just one of a long line of similar things. She gets to have the grand gesture, one-ups anyone who has just lit a candle, and doesn’t have to go to any trouble. I just tell myself it’s a symptom of whatever disorder makes her the insane way she is and ignore it.

I know for a fact she had no intention of ever getting a mass said because in recent years she has showed some sort of a social anxiety and calling into a priest house would be something new and different and she would never do it.

OP - read this back to yourself. It explains "the lie". Now arrange the mass and stop acting deranged.

in recent years she has showed some sort of a social anxiety and calling into a priest house would be something new and different and she would never do it.

You have your answer. She intended to do but but then found she couldn't. Instead of berating somebody who can no longer do certain social things that they used to be able to do, take the responsibility and stress from them and arrange the mass yourself. That would be the kind thing to do.

I don't think you understand anxiety.

Often, you do really believe you can do the thing you are planning and when it comes to it you can't. The anxiety stops you. That doesn't mean you had no intention of doing it.

Given you know she has social anxiety I can't understand why it's not a simple case of you organising it instead.

And I don't agree with the flowers analogy making people feel different. She said she would do something, the anxiety prevented it. She probably feels to anxious to tell her sister and what good would that actually do? How would that help your aunt?

@XmasStag Are you religious?

What do you want? A public flogging?

Get over it and move on or the bitterness will just get deeper

Is your mother a practising Catholic? If so, this is a matter between her and her God. If not, she probably does not think that actually arranging a Mass would serve any useful purpose.

Kindly, what is the point of standing in judgement like this OP?

Theologically speaking, you could arrange for your mother to have a cut price 20 minute non religious slot at the local crematorium instead of Vigil, Mass, Wake and Anniversary Mass in return when the time comes.

If that upsets or angers her, then she's accepting that she did an unpleasant thing, not just refusing intercessionary prayers, but lying about doing them - and if it doesn't, she just doesn't believe anymore (with whatever consequences - or none, dependency upon who is actually right - that there are for her).

How can it upset her? She'll be dead. If she wants that kind of stuff she can arrange it herself beforehand.

I understand howyou feel.Your mum is not only a liar she drew you in to the lie.I don't understand how people can feel sorry for your Mother and say you are over reacting.I am not religious but agre it was an awful thing to do.

Give your mum a break. If what she said gave comfort to her sister that is all that matters. It’s really between her and her conscience and nothing to do with you.

My cousin lies dead in a grave and she wrote to her sister to say she will get a mass said for him and it was a lie. I don't understand how thats something that is very great and good. She lied and the circumstances that she lied in.

Would your cousin be any less dead if she actually did the mass?

You answered yourself why. Her anxiety. Unless you're particularly religious yourself and feel she ruined all your (and hers) chances to an eternity on heaven, just get over it.

It wasn't a lie, it was a promise which she has been unable to keep due to her poor mental health.

What do you want to achieve out of this thread?

In any case, the Aunt is happy because she thinks it was done, the cousin is no longer of this world and won't know either way, and God... would He mind? No.

Well, I would have thought that most people would realise this included telling her beforehand, personally.

So she can arrange for someone else to sort out her funeral? Thoughtful of you but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?

I gather the purpose is to piss her off more than anything else. She'd still be down on the intercessionary prayers, by the sounds of it. And it seems fitting that somebody who lied about organising a Mass for somebody else would then have to go to the trouble of persuading somebody else other than her daughter to do it 'why isn't your daughter doing this?' 'why have you said you're not sorting out a Mass for your Mother?' 'There's a story behind that...' or to organise her own to avoid the awkward questions (and still have some anyhow).

I doubt anyone would be much surprised if the op turned out to be that kind of relative, on present form.

I can understand your indignation is so far as I appreciate your da’s grief to be a life-changing matter. So you’d rather your dm not make empty promises regarding something like this.

But essentially your dm just said it to comfort your da. Maybe her own faith is waning / was never strong so for her the mass is not as important as the comfort provided by the idea of it.

Yes.
I am not a Catholic, but I paid a Priest £40 to say a Mass for my recently dead friend, who was one.

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