🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Juneday the absolute classic was the time DH got to their house with just over 30 mi uses before the appointment because there had been an accident ( on the road to the hospital naturally). FIL had booked someone to come and cut his hair and they had only just started!

My DM took her hearing aid out before she went in for her appointment at the diabetic clinic. I strongly suspect it was because she knows her blood sugar is not under control and she thought she would get told off about it. A sort of "if I can't hear it, it's not happening".

Hoping someone has some advice as I'm at my wits end with my dad.

My mum had emergency surgery & then had sepsis & nearly died 3 times - abroad with no travel insurance 🙈

After 16 stressful weeks, she's home but needs lots of support & some adjustments to the house.

Occupational therapist (3 different ones) have all recommended removal of the shower screen & a shower curtain to be fitted but my dad won't entertain it. Means my mum can only sink wash & can't wash her hair due to mobility issues.

The OT is coming again to speak firmly with him. Can she refer to social services or is a sink wash considered sufficient ??

All siblings live abroad so other than trying to reason with him over the phone, there's not much else we can do

I think re sink washes it's up to your mum what she wants. If she insisted on only doing a sink wash, and was considered to have mental capacity for that decision, then no further action would be taken, though I think it would be considered an unwise decision. But if she would like to be able to shower or bathe, then your dad doing things to prevent that could be a safeguarding issue. Why won't he entertain this? Does he understand why it would help (I have to say I don't)? Tbf to him, are there any other options? Often there's more than one way to achieve the same result.

He understands that current shower screen isn't suitable for her needs but he doesn't want to remove or replace it for a suitable one that would allow my mum access to bath / shower.

Fingers crossed OT can talk some sense into him or report as safe guarding

We had this with mum a few years ago after dad fell and fractured his pelvis. He has osteoporosis and had had a few fractures of various bones. At the time they had a shower over a bath and OT had recommended a walk in shower. Mum was adamant she wasn't giving up the bath and I had a row telling her it would be her pushing dad in a wheel chair if he broke his pelvis again because she was selfish. She didn't speak to me for a month but they did get a walk in shower .

Is it partly caused by fear of change/disruption? Even though it looks quite minor swopping a shower screen for a curtain it's something different and means more people in the house doing the work. Mine got to the stage where dealing with anything out of the ordinary like that felt like a step too far?

Well my Dads absolute bloody minded approach to martyring himself for my mum's care has come to a head this morning. He has sciatica and has been complaining for the last week that he was getting a lot of pain in his hip. Still insists on lugging her around and will not, under any circumstances do anything to make life easier.

so now instead of having a day at home to catch up and go to a birthday party I have to go over there because he can't get out of bed, has no food as they were supposed to be coming here for lunch. No doubt he will have got mum out of bed totally unnecessarily 2 hours before the carers come to get her out of bed and will refuse to allow them to out her to bed.

I don't know where we go from here. I work full time, have my own home and family and I am not prepared to sacrifice all of that when he won't even make the slightest of compromises. 4 years we have had of it now. What happens if he has to go into hospital or cant look after her ? She is wheelchair bound and can do nothing for herself apart from use her left hand

Oh and he refuses to go to the doctor for his sciatica because he hasn't got time, can't leave her blah blah even though I am there for at least 15 hours a week.
respite care for 3 weeks to recover is not an option either, he resolutely refuses to even countenance it

If he ends up in hospital he won't have a choice

But in all seriousness what will happen with her ? Will I be expected to look after her at home, will social service step in and put her in a home ? I'm not sure whether she would be classed as a medical need

I'm glad you are on this morning @countrygirl99 as I know you had a similarly inclined FIL.

We had to have this conversation with social services so we knew what would happen. In an emergency she will be admitted to hospital as a social patient until a respite place can be found. If necessary they will send an ambulance to pick her up. Social services departments should have emergency placements available so if you are lucky it will only be until appropriate transport is arranged but they are currently under pressure so it could be longer. However the emergency placement could be anywhere in the county.
But you do have to make it clear that no you can't cope and be prepared to tell paramedics that they need to contact social services and not be woolly. As soon as you say you can cope for a couple of days the pressure is off the authorities.
At that stage ILs had a very good social worker who recognised the issues and she told us to be very blunt about how we would need to avoid being saddled (her phrase).
In the end it wasn't needed as when the shit hit the fan we already knew MIL would be going to our preferred care home in a couple of days. If that hadn't been arranged we would have had to go nuclear as he spent his last few weeks in and out of hospital, never home for more than a few days and was already not really capable of coping and falling regularly himself. The last month before he agreed to her going into a home were a nightmare. MILs sister walked out of a meeting with SW and wider family as she thought he was going to hit her when she said he wasn't coping and we were getting daily calls from carers saying they were concerned about his ability to cope or they had had to help him up after a fall. He was angry and lashing out, sometimes physically, at everyone who wouldn't promise that MIL would get 24/7 care at home and some of his barrack room lawyer mates wound him up dreadfully by telling him.he just had to insist and the LA would have to fund it.

He's perfectly capable of removing the shower screen himself & swapping for a more suitable one. He won't spend money on that so cheaper option is cheap short curtain & extendable pole.

He won't remove it & won't let anyone else do it either.

There's no way they'll be able to get a walk in shower fitted as he won't allow means testing for any grants. He's just so stubborn & infuriating

Oh my god these dads, they just WILL NOT admit defeat will they. Stubborn as mules and expect everyone else to make their lives more difficult to fall in with them

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew unfortunately we have to stand aside and let them make bad decisions and judgements. Absolutely nothing you can do except let your father get on with it. I think they get into a habit of complaining. It is not your responsibility to fix everything.
I had this with my dad for several years, he complained non stop, was constantly angry, tired & fed up, not how he expected his retirement blah blah but he would tell SW everything ok!!! then call me hysterically, what he wanted was for me to give up my life and do it all. I just walked away in the end, my mum died recently so I am hoping my dad gets some peace in the time he has left.
It is so hard when they try to make it your problem, that is what social services or paid for care are for (which they begrudge when children are free!) maybe take a step back and let the consequences of your dads decisions sink in, his decision, his problem. It sounds harsh but they will suck the life out of you.
My dad went into hospital for 4 weeks last December my mum was having 3 care visits a day and other than her screaming and carrying on (not getting enough attention) the whole world didnt stop and she was just fine. Sometimes we need to let go and trust in the system, what they want (24/7 attention) and what we can give, often worlds apart.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew this is the emergency situation - he now can't look after himself or your mum & he expects you to drop everything & come to his rescue.

Sending hugs. Hope you've been strong & told him no & let ambulance/ social services deal with the situation he's created for himself.

Unfortunately as long as you keep running to the rescue, he'll just continue doing it

I'm not talking to my dad now. I asked him why he was ignoring professional advice & he says if I was going to start, I found just hang up. I said ok, bye & did just that.

I hope after a few days pondering (he knows he needs me) & OT's firm words tomorrow, he finally sees sense

You won't be expected to look after her at home if you are firm in saying that is not possible. You don't have to give reasons, just say it's not possible.

Thanks all. It helps so much just to have somewhere to vent, poor DH has had it since august 2020. The only time I can get away from it all is if I leave the country.

Hello 👋 new here, no specific advice needed, just feeling a bit alone and despondent at the moment.
My dad was diagnosed with PSP last year and has declined to the point of being bed/wheelchair bound, not talking, needing fed/carers in for washing and continence care. All other care done by my 71 year old DM. My brother and I go over on alternate weekend days to give DM a break, which is a 3-4 hour round trip for me. I also work 4 days a week and have young children. I feel trapped and tired!

In-laws are also starting to have health issues - I just feel like all family interactions involve worrying about people and illness!

@ny20005 That sounds so familiar. My father refused to countenance having a stairlift fitted because he was worried about damaging the staircase in their listed house. My severely arthritic, post-stroke mother was bumping up and down the stairs on her bum for at least a year (I suspect longer) before my sister and I realised, and absolutely insisted that they got a stairlift.

My mother only had bed-washes/sponge baths for the last five years of her life because they refused to refit either of the bathrooms to make them accessible for her. My father was also disabled but could get in and out of the shower with assistance until near the end.

They should have moved out of the unsuitable house, of course, but that was not a subject they were willing to discuss at all. Gaaah. They are both dead now, but it makes me angry in retrospect, knowing how much easier and better their lives could have been if they had only been a bit less inflexible. Or rather, if my father had been a little less inflexible, and my mother had been more willing to challenge him and less willing to martyr herself. I suspect it is a familiar pattern.

@FeelingOverwhemed every week?? That sounds insanely tough. I see my mum every week but she's being looked after so it's just social, and she's only an hour away; my only child is at uni now. I still find that tough.

Have you and your brother discussed other options? What about more paid care and cutting your visits to monthly?

Thanks for this thread. I’m finding life difficult at the moment.

My mother died just after I left home and father remarried quite quickly. I wasn’t welcomed into that home unless they needed help. My stepmother recently died, and my Dad has been diagnosed with several conditions. He is now housebound. He has no one other than me. I have a brother who lives abroad. My Dad is lonely, grieving and unwell. I’m with him for2 hours each day and then spend a day each week caring / cleaning / cooking and medical appointments. My husband and children aren’t involved as they are unhappy in the way my dad and stepmother have treated us.

I feel very alone and utterly flummoxed as to how life has changed, and that it’s only going to get worse.

Thanks for the safe space.

Well dad has had to go to hospital.
the carer phoned me at 10:30 to say he couldn't move. By thr time I got here he was in agony and had called an ambulance. He then got chest pains and we thought he was having a heart attack. He hasn't had a heart attack but they have taken him in for further checks.
hopefully he will now admit that he needs to have some respite care and also a change of the way he looks after Mum. and that he needs to look after himself as a priority.

Fingers crossed @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew