🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thank you all. I think I did post earlier about my worries. My brother lives in another country and came home for Christmas.

My brother is offended that I spoiled his holiday. I’ve explained that I don’t get a holiday. I go to work, then I go to care for my Dad, and then I go home to bed. He scoffed at me. All I wanted was to dress up and go out for dinner with my husband, or just go home from work and put my feet up.

My brother told me that one sandwich a day is a reasonable diet for a man in his 80s That I worry about him being lonely. unnecesarily and that he needs to just get used to being on his own. My favourite is that I shouldn’t make him walk or ‘force’ him to attend exercise sessions with the physios

He’s gone home with a lot of money and my Dad has brought all his treasures to our house so that my brother didn’t take them.

My Dad has cried for three days as he thinks he will never see my brother or his children again.

I can’t win

You have my sympathy as my DSis is just the same. She just swans in, creates havoc, upsets my mum and leaves. Dad even offered her money for plane tickets the other day when he never offers me anything whilst I do all the running around.

@StrandedStarfish that is dreadful lack of empathy on your brothers part. And for your father to be so upset it’s very sad. I am sorry. Try and find some help that you and your father are happy with so that you can have a break. There may be a charity, my mother in law used to get a befriending visit that helped a little - i couldn’t find meals on wheels but I know some areas have them as a friend volunteers once a week in a neighbouring borough, she doesn’t just dump the food and run, there is time for a little chat. Both or either might allow you to give yourself that time off for a much needed treat. 🤞

Has meals on wheels almost universally been replaced by Wiltshire Farm Foods and microwave meals now? I was looking into it for my Mum as I thought she'd have someone dropping in to deliver each day so she'd see someone but it looks like that's not the case.

My mum still gets meals on wheels at lunchtime, they bring it in and plate it up for her.

I think meals on wheels is a very regional thing now.

I used to volunteer in the school holidays to help our local wvrs prepping the meals in the kitchen of our local community centre. I was a whiz at whipping up a huge bowl of smash and scooping it into the containers. I’ve just realised it wouldn’t be allowed today - I did no training whatsoever!

4 years ago I found a figure that 40% of LAs ran a meals on wheels service. I imagine it’s fewer now

our meals on wheels was outsourced to the same company that does the hospital meals - meals were a lot better than that suggests!

It sounds like it's very varied now. The county concerned provides the helpful information on its website that many supermarkets offer online deliveries!

Or suggests seeing if a local pub or restaurant delivers!

Not needing it yet but I thought I'd look around to see what's available.

I was impressed with the hospital food when I was in for a week a few years ago - really tasty, sensible portions and a good variety of food available.

"I was impressed with the hospital food when I was in for a week a few years ago"

I've never had a problem with hospital food when I've been admitted. There's always been a choice, there's always been a decent sized portion, and considering it's mass catering, it has always been nicely cooked. In my experience, having worked in schools, hospital food is more varied and more healthy than school dinners.

I think it's been variable across the board for a good while now. I had meals on wheels for a few months myself when I literally couldn't safely carry food across the kitchen to microwave or prepare it. Around the same time a permanently disabled friend tried to get them when she was similarly incapacitated following an op, and her LA only delivered frozen meals. Useless if the client doesn't have the physical or mental capacity to prepare them, or remember to eat them.

Certainly not the experience my dad had last year and although there were notices up advising against visiting patients at dinnertime, if I hadn't been there he wouldn't have eaten anything.

When MIL and FIL were at home they got meals on wheels, delivered warm. For some bizarre reason they didn't label the plastic tubs. Instead the delivery person recounted that day's choices: "fish pie followed by rhubarb crumble and custard" or chicken in mushroom sause followed by steamed sponge pudding".

Disabled and deaf MIL couldn't walk to the front door, and couldn't hear what the delivery person said. FIL with dementia received the food at the door but by the time he reached the kitchen he'd forgotten what the delivery person had described. The result being that PILs had no idea whether they were eating chicken or fish, or indeed cheese sauce or custard!! No wonder they weren't keen.

I tried private companies for meals on wheels including Wiltshire etc and they replied not in MiL postcode. Bought lots of small microwave meals and chopped up salads and fruit etc. She went into home after 6 months of this, the Carers weren’t great at presenting food and much got binned, she lost weight.

We realised after she was home that the issue with hospital food was dementia related, no one helped her fill in the form so she must have just scribbled at the top which explains why she had the exact same meal every day…. She lost weight and became very dehydrated, because she struggled to sit up and eat so we would try and visit at tea time. She couldn’t lift the jug of water, this led to UTIs annd low BP, she was put on a drip. UTIs when care at home too.

She has put in weight at nursing home, good food, lots of help and regular tea and water offered. M No UTIs since she has been in the nursing home. 🤞. Really patient care, and she is not being easy, so grateful for the staff of the nursing home.

The last conversation I ever had with my mum was bemoaning the terrible food she was getting in hospital. I never imagined a conversation about hospital cheese sandwiches would be the last time we'd hold a two-sided conversation

@StrandedStarfish
@WhatHaveIFound
In solidarity - we are still in the midst of DB visit from abroad. From my DM perspective it is disappointing as she had really been looking forward to seeing him and his family but they have been out and about, leaving her to provide b&b and ££. From my perspective it has been very much as expected - and I'm dealing with the fallout, of course.

In this area a voluntary group provides meals on wheels three days a week in partnership with a couple of local cafes. It costs about £6 for two courses and the volunteers are lovely and have a quick chat. Unfortunately in recent weeks mum is usually eating the pudding and forgetting about the main, which while I am grateful, the quality isn’t great. There are rarely fresh vegetables and the mash is reconstituted and not nice. Personally I wouldn’t eat them either unless I was desperate. And mum wouldn’t be capable of defrosting/cooking meals.
When my granny needed Meals on Wheels twenty years ago they were provided by the local authority, lovely hot fresh meals cooked in the school kitchen and delivered by the WRVS. Those were the days! What went wrong I wonder 🤣

@juneday thanks for that suggestion. I’ve looked into meals on wheels and my local council do provide this service, and it’s just a little more expensive than M&S ready meals! I’ll talk to my Dad about it and maybe try a couple of times per week.

I thank all of the group, especially the person who changed my thinking about addressing his care needs.

God bless you all.

I do wish I could get a break from all this.

Mum now my concern with she's had two falls in 2 days and had to call an ambulance both times as her care alarm isn't working. So more stuff to sort out and I'm supposed to be away on a work trip at the end of next week.

Dad also worrying me as when I told him there was no recognition in his face as to who mum even was though he was happily talking about eating mangos as a child.

Agreed about breaks. It's the relentlessness of it that is so impossible to imagine beforehand- even for those of us who've had children. I'm in awe of anyone doing the care support of elderly relatives still at home, and im so struck by the years or even decades put into this.

A big row by message with a sibling last night about it all. Not much sleep as a result. We may have reached a calmer place - hope so.

That was my dad’s problem. Perfectly capable of heating a meat pie and boiling some vegetables. But when he got very slow he didn’t have time to fit everything in (especially as he still insisted on starting the day with breakfast even if he didn’t wake till 3pm).

But if the person doesn’t have the physical or mental capacity to heat a microwave meal, would they not be eligible for a carer who would do this?

She couldn’t lift the jug of water I remember this from after a Caesarean under GA. They were nagging me to drink, but I could barely lift the glass let alone the jug, and managed about a glass in 24 hours because there was no-one around to pour another glass for me. Hospitals are good at the purely medical, but not so good at helping you access the other things that help your recovery - food, drink and sleep.

The last conversation I ever had with my mum was bemoaning the terrible food she was getting in hospital. I never imagined a conversation about hospital cheese sandwiches would be the last time we'd hold a two-sided conversation I understand that. Every now and again I think “I wonder what dad would think about this bit of news” then realise I’ll never be able to find out.

Hello all. Just caught a snippet of woman’s hour today talking about poa etc- and a wonderful phrase was used- women doing the “ invisible mending” of life to shore up the frail elderlies……

Love that ‘invisible mending’.

Just come from MiLs empty flat which I visit twice a week and also to take some bits to charity and recycling every few weeks. We know she will be in nursing home permanently so I said to DH it would be good to keep clearing out including wobbly table, tatty bedside cupboard, freezer that is relatively new and a local charity would take. He said ‘why the rush’, I explained that friends who have gone through this after family passed away said it took weeks and wished they had help, also contents insurance no longer covers theft in an empty flat, so want to be sure valuables are removed. I added that as ‘no one has helped me to date, I can’t see offers of help in the future’ (I did have help on one occasion from another DiL of course).

I have sorted mementos into boxes for each family member now - the awkward one being BiL on 3rd marriage having so many wedding photos 🤣.

I do a bit of gardening on occasion and take meter readings, all those little things …. Pick up any post, mostly marketing rubbish.

I am lucky I to have the time and as I know it will fall to me regardless I am a bit frustrated that DH can’t see that I am helping. Also I admit I can’t bear the thought of a house clearance where precious (not necessarily valuable) items might get missed.

Still no takers for the 8 new packets of adult pads! Will post for free on another website later in the month. 🤞🤞