🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Indeed - Precious does not equal valuable. Well said, @Juneday

Still no takers for the 8 new packets of adult pads! Will post for free on another website later in the month.

Have you tried your local foodbank? Ours took my dad's stock when he went into the care home.

Freecycle came to the rescue. Lovely lady collecting pads tomorrow. 😁

My dad keeps yelling at me as I happen to mention that yes he had sadly lost his wife but it also is my DM and DGM. He keeps complaining how much the funeral cost and he didn't like the flowers i chose He is also complaining that if I would like wife mother and nannie on the gravestone and I should contribute to the cost.

(No money issues with dad ) but then try and give his carers and cleaner money every time they come.

My DF asked me if I’d seen his grandmother recently. I said no. He wanted to know how she was, I said she was still going on as well as she had been. He then started asking details of who was looking after her if not me, and it started getting difficult.

Heya

I’ve got an upcoming psychiatrist appointment with my mum. She’s got a lot worse since her last appointment but has no awareness of this. So the doctor will ask how she is, she’ll say fine, then I’ll say she’s not fine and give examples of recent problems, all during which my mum will look at me as if I’m talking absolute nonsense and get upset, and I’ll feel like an arsehole.

Had anyone else gone through this part of the process? Any tips for how not to let it upset me so much?

@MereDintofPandiculation thats really hard. Does distraction work? The old toddler favourite quoted on here”ooh look there’s a squirrel”?
@ThreeForMee could you write down your observations and give them to psychiatrist ? They will have seen it all before sadly.

When mum went for her memory clinic appointment the woman asked me to say what her symptoms were. I said it would be upsetting for mum to hear a list and could we go elsewhere. We went into another room and I reeled them off. Afterwards mum asked "did I do OK?" 😥

@ThreeForMee we've had that with social services assessments. We just said what we felt was necessary knowing mum would forget what was said.

I remember how difficult it was to get early help for MIL because she wouldn't accept there was anything wrong with her; it was everyone else's fault for always doing (imaginary) things that made her angry. She wouldn't tolerate even the faintest hint of people talking about her, and was constantly and understandably on the alert for this.
Sometimes I went to appointments with her, and sat in a position where she couldn't see me shaking my head when she said things that were wildly inaccurate. Some of them obviously untrue to even the most casual observer, but even so I felt treacherous about it.
Eventually DH took her to one where she was told she had 'some memory loss', which she accepted quite calmly as a long way short of losing her mind, and consistent with her own experience.
Her mind had sadly long gone by that point.

Hello everyone,
I just happened upon this thread in Active and it might well be a real lifesaver.
My wee Mum is 87 and in the past few years is experiencing cognitive decline. At the GP she failed the Memory test , and initially agreed to the Memory Clinic. Once the appointment came through tho' she changed her mind. I didn't force her because... she's 87 and been independent all her life..
Does she need an official diagnosis for support? We go daily as a family at teatime and that's adequate just now, but we can see the day she may need more visits in a day.
Sometimes I look at her and my heart breaks on two, wondering where my string fabulous Mum has gone. We love her still, but we love a different person now.

My Mum is disappearing before our eyes. She's been in hospital since late November after falling and breaking her pelvis. She had a bad day on Friday, and was taken from her current hospital to the A&E in the main teaching hospital in her city. She had a scan and various tests, enjoyed a nice egg sandwich and some Bourbon biscuits and went back to her current hospital. Yesterday she had no recollection of it. Probably just as well, but awful for my Dad who was with her throughout and visits everyday even though she s convinced that she never has any visitors.

Does she need an official diagnosis for support?

Depends on your local area - which part of the Uk is she in? My mum is in England and I found mum being “in the system” started the ball rolling and smoothed the way to other help I didn’t know existed.
eg she has advanced macular degeneration and we registered her as partially sighted. This registration meant her local council readily agreed to add her to their list for “assisted bin collection“ so she doesn’t have to work out what day it is and take the bins out, they come and take them from the back of the house and do the lot. (She used to be the binfluencer in the street!)

having said that, in England at least, anyone can request an assessment from the adult social services department of your local authority if your mum needs more help. A diagnosis isn’t needed but would help if she has specific needs

@OhOneOhTwoOhThree My Mum is disappearing before our eyes. Its so hard to watch. I come to the Cockroach Cafe so often and vent about DM, but I think my overwhelming emotion is one of sadness to see as you do my DM "disappearing". I've felt especially sad about it over Christmas.

@Willyoubuymeahouseofgold a diagnosis can mean a reduction/ no Council Tax
@ThreeForMee In these tests I actually wanted DM to perform really badly so she got more help / attention / escalated. @countrygirl99 is right, ten minutes later she will have no recollection. (If she does have recollection of any negatives you've said, then take those as a big positive as her short term memory is still holding up...

So sorry that you are also experiencing this @MissMarplesNiece.

It's complicated, as I haven't always had the best of relationships with my Mum - we are very different people - but I know she has always loved me, even if she hasn't understood me, and she adores my children. And seeing her in constant pain and a shadow of her former self makes me sad and angry that this is how she will end her life, after being super-fit, sporty and full of life.

Thanks very much for your responses. The practical help is great (hadn’t thought of writing them down or asking for time on my own with the psychiatrist) and also for the understanding - ‘treacherous’ is exactly how I felt @DahliaMacNamara I know I have to say those things, and I do, but it’s just so different from how I (try to) act the rest of the time of just smoothing things over and just trying to keep her happy.

@Willyoubuymeahouseofgold - since mum we diagnosed she’s getting an occupational therapist (although she ignores all suggestions as she’s obviously fine) and also a visit from Alzheimer’s Scotland to help navigate what support is available. I don’t know how it works in the rest of the UK. My fear was that if something went badly wrong we’d have to start the diagnosis process at that point which would take many months, whereas now (I hope!) it means we’d be able to access help quicker when it is needed.

Hugs, that must be so upsetting.

I once helped a younger man with mental health problems apply for Attendance Allowance. It was heartbreaking watching him realise how much he couln't do.

@thesandwich Distraction doesn't work with my Dad. He's too intelligent and knows what you're doing, and his short term memory is intact.

Hello, please can I join I have been reading the thread and feel it is going to be my natural home from now. I have a nearly 90-year-old DF going rapidly downhill in hospital at present - apart from one blip due to covid has been independent and living alone with out care - oh I forgot about me , whoops !
@SierraSapphire was reading back through the thread where you said that your brother turn his phone off for long periods of time. Mine is doing exactly the same thing.! DF goes into hospital- phone off ! Can't decide whether to leave or pester him !!

@Willyoubuymeahouseofgold if you are in Scotland if you receive a dementia diagnosis then you get one years post diagnostic support from an Alzheimer Scotland support worker. They will help with benefits and linking your mum in with local support. If she needs actual help dressing etc you contact SW single point of contact and they will assess her needs and provide carers up to four times a day,respite etc. We are very lucky in Scotland. Good luck I am guessing Scotland because you said "wee" mum xx

Worth getting a diagnosis, DH was sent away with info for MiL on charity and local authority services, I got a very helpful call from dementia nursing team, and yes special bin collection and eventually council tax refund. Eventually SS visit led to respite care in nursing home that is on its way to being permanent as MiL has deteriorated significantly since two falls.

My problem is now is sounding cruel when I tell DH that if he/we don’t visit every weekend MiL won’t even know. Every visit she is either so agitated there is no proper conversation, or nasty and screaming out, such ‘it is a year since you visited, you have stolen all my money and used it for holidays’ And to me screaming at me ‘you have poisoned DHs mind! (She doesn’t really know who I am or DH for much of the visit). I know why DH feels he must visit but I think it stirs up more agitation, I am taking a break from visits for week or so.

Have just name changed but have been on this thread for quite a while. Both my parents have dementia and they are in the same care home but in different sections. Mum spends time with dad in his section. His dementia is worse than hers. The trouble is, she gets frustrated with him and shouts at him, slaps him and pokes him awake if he's asleep when she goes to see him. The Manager rang me this morning to tell me and say she thinks they need to be kept apart more, which is tricky when they are married. I can't think what else they can do, but then they will have to deal with mum being upset she can't visit him. Any thoughts? When we visit they are mostly just sitting there holding hands, but we have seen this behaviour on occasions and I don't doubt it is happening, though not sure how often.

Oh that’s so tough @PanettonePudding

I’m not sure being married is necessarily a good enough reason to allow contact, especially if your Dad ends up being poked and hit. But like you say, if they say no to your Mum she is going to be upset. How bad is her short term memory? Could she be distracted with platitudes like “you can see him later / tomorrow, he’s resting right now”?

I remember when my Nan was in a care home, she would constantly ask where my Grandad was (he was dead and had been for many years). Family used to gently tell her that he’d passed away, but as time went on she was forgetful and distractable enough to accept things like “he’s gone to the shops”. It was less distressing that way.