Dad giving money to brother AGAIN!

[paulfoel]

Bit of background. As Dad got older he became a complete nightmare. Wife doesn't speak to him (his fault completely and I don't blame her at all!).
I've had to step away a bit or I'd probably be divorced by now.

BUT I still do what I can for him. Live 40+ mins away and got my own kids so sometimes. He still really takes the p**
Got brother who lives a mile away. No kids (that he sees). Don't speak to him.

Anyway, couple of times I've caught Dad out now. I pay bills for him and so can access his bank account. Not sure why he thinks I can't see - but I see recently hes been giving money to brother again.

Dad does occasionally give money to both of us. I don't need it but my brother doesn't either it all goes down the pub. BUT I know my brother plays the sob story....

He plays favourites a LOT does Dad. He who visits the most gets cash bonus. So its mostly my brother because he knows how to play the game well. Pop in after work for 10 mins kerching, send you're wife (who doesnt work) in the daytime kerching. Of course I can't do that.

I do what I can. Sort his bills, do shopping for him. In the past, I've sorted out grants for disabled improvements to his house, sorted his hearing aid, got him discounts for Sky etc. I just refuse to do things like hospital appts at 9am (because I can't get there in time, got to get youngest to school) - but I have arranged taxis and paid for them, arranged patient transport, arranged home visits. None of which it seems is as good as turning up on the spot.

I don't need the money but its the principle that I do this but I'm not on the bonus list it seems. Should I be peed off here?

[SmokeMeAKipperSkipper]

It’s your dads choice who he gives money to so if you want to be pissed off with him that’s understandable.
However, a taxi turning up to take you somewhere is a world away from someone popping in, and seeing a friendly face for 10 mins, when you are in your own 24 hours a day, several days a week.
I know it seems hugely unfair. DH did all the visiting to his DF, despite being a 360 mile round trip away, when his sibling was only 180mile round trip. He sorted repairs, bills, TV replacement, insurance when FIL was still driving etc. His sibling was still always the golden child.

[Smartiepants79]

It is of course unfair but given that you don’t need the money I would try and not let it take up my headspace.
It’s not going to change.
You do what you do for your DF because it makes you feel better that you’re doing the right thing and being a good person. You can stop if you feel under appreciated.
I would definitely say that you make sure you are never out of pocket because of him.

[paulfoel]

Of course, but its not as if I don't go and see him as well. He just does not get that I have other commitments/family and wants to be first all the time.

Hospital visits hes got a massive chip on his shoulder about. You could get him a gold plated limo but he'd still moan that one of his sons "should" be taking him. A lot of it I think is so can show off to his friends how he can get his sons to drop everything.

Im just a bit annoyed that stuff I do seems to be taken for granted - organising stuff which takes time. but physical stuff (that I can't do because I've got kids) gets rewarded.

Part of the problem has always been Dad worked in a factory for 40+ years, brother is a welder. Me completely different - IT consultant working from home. Dad has often said how "lucky" I am to get such an easy job. Like wow........
And I've often been told how tired my brother is and how he can't ask him for things.. yeh cheers Dad.

[Waferbiscuit]

I'm in the exact same situation only my dad has a lot of £ in the bank so he gave £500k to one brother and the other he is bankrolling his business. My dad is ultimately an enabler who is funding lazy behaviour and discouraging my brothers from standing on their own feet.

There is a sexist undertone to the whole thing and I dare it's the same with you. My dad genuinely thinks the need of men is greater than women. In my case I'm single and I know he feels I should really get money from my invisible husband that I was foolish in not securing, rather than from him.

He also assumes any caring/dropping in that i do comes naturally and is just assumed because hey that's just what women do.

It is so irksome. At the end of the day it's his money and as long as he is corpus mentis he can do what he wants.

But... I do think a word to your brother is a good idea eg I know dad is giving you money, is that for anything specifically like are you buying things for him? Open up the conversation and watch him get indignant!

[Soontobe60]

@paulfoel

Of course, but its not as if I don't go and see him as well. He just does not get that I have other commitments/family and wants to be first all the time.

Hospital visits hes got a massive chip on his shoulder about. You could get him a gold plated limo but he'd still moan that one of his sons "should" be taking him. A lot of it I think is so can show off to his friends how he can get his sons to drop everything.

Im just a bit annoyed that stuff I do seems to be taken for granted - organising stuff which takes time. but physical stuff (that I can't do because I've got kids) gets rewarded.

Part of the problem has always been Dad worked in a factory for 40+ years, brother is a welder. Me completely different - IT consultant working from home. Dad has often said how "lucky" I am to get such an easy job. Like wow........
And I've often been told how tired my brother is and how he can't ask him for things.. yeh cheers Dad.

I wouldn’t be happy to send my elderly parent to hospital by taxi, even a gold plated one! Hospitals can be very disorientating. More so if you’re on your own.

[paulfoel]

Soontobe60 - interesting. Let me rephrase this.

Would you, to accomodate this hospital visits

1. Leave one of your young children at home alone.
2. Leave child home and off school.
3. Sack off your job and just not turn up at short notice.
4. Leave you're teenager with Aspergers home alone (knowing he can't cope)

Just wondering? Happy to hear the answer here.
All of these are things Dad has "suggested" I do because he wants a lift to the hospital.

In an ideal world, I'd not have to go work and neither would I have any kids I guess?

[paulfoel]

Wafer - I can only imagine how bad that is. Yep I think my Dad would be the same..... Perhaps I shouldn't moan.

I have had comments in the past mind about how, when he worked, the only people in the "office" were "girls" because all the men worked on the factory floor. Like wow.

And more than once I've been told how lucky I am to be able to sit at home "tapping the keyboard" while my brother is outside all winds and weathers. Hes said this about 10 times I reckon.

His best ever and I don't he even realised. For some reason, he was obsessed with asking me if my "boss" thought I was doing OK. I ignored him. He kept on and then I tried to explain that no my "client" just lets me get on and thats how it works.
Still he kept on. So I said "look at this way, does the hospital manager check how surgeons do operations in the hospital". His reply and I'll never forget "Of course not but you're not a doctor!".......... Yeh cheers Dad I am nothing special but I have sort of worked in IT for 30+ years so risen above tea boy

[EmotionalBlackmail]

@paulfoel don't worry about the taxi comment. It's entirely unreasonable for you to have to provide lifts to the hospital. I don't know how many people realistically have the free time or flexibility to be able to do all these lifts plus the waiting around involved.

My Mum tried this one with me - for a specialist appointment at a hospital further away. It would have meant me taking three days off work to get her there. Apparently I should have used compassionate leave! She wasn't impressed when I pointed out that I'd get two days compassionate leave when she died, and it wasn't for taking her to appts! She also can't see the knock-on affect on my own family of using annual leave for things like this. So child sickness, school events, school holidays I need annual leave for.

I've learnt to ignore these comments and suggest name of local taxi, or that local friend may be free that day or the patient transport service.

[paulfoel]

Thanks EB. Someone who understands....

Trouble, as displayed by a previous poster, you get people who say things like "aw poor lonely old dad" and "I'd do it for my Dad". Does my chunk in.

Everyones situation is different and most of us have more than one person who needs us. Its just not possible.

I've had it all with him. He told my son with Aspergers was "just bad behaviour because they didn't have it in my day".... I've been told probably about 50 times my family "need to understand I need you so they can cope on their own".

Im a self employed IT consultant. No work no pay. They are really nice to be fair but im not an employee so can't expect too much. I try to explain to Dad but all I get is "Have a word with your boss im sure they'll understand I need you because Im so ill". (BTW hes not ill just old).

I've sorted the patient transport in the past and I get every excuse under the sun why he won't use it ranging from "takes too long", "I need someone to help me get in the bus". Of course they do all this even people on oxygen/in wheelchairs etc.

Same with taxis. I've offered to pay. Nope.

Hes got a massive, massive chip on his shoulder that "someone" has to take him to his appointments regardless. I got a call from hospital once, didn't even know he was there, can I pick him up? Now I was 45 mins train ride, plus 45 mins drive away so we're looking at 2 hrs. Same work situation I can't just bail out unless its an emergency. I spoke to Dad and said "look get a taxi, its 15 mins, £10 or so I'll pay for it". Nope he refused. Sat and waited for 5 hours for patient transport then it was my fault he made himself ill because of it.

Well used to it.....

[FormerlyPathologicallyHappy]

I’d drop the rope, he doesn’t appreciate you & it comes across he thinks your one up from a secretary in terms of your job role.

My dh put up with his mother for years and made allowances, when he was dying of cancer she withheld oxycodone so he was in pain while I was at work and made our lives hell. These people are not worth the bother. Like yours she also likes everyone willing to run about after her so she can brag to people about how good her family is to her.

[Theunamedcat]

Well if someone "has" to take him his child who lives closest to him can

[barofsoap]

"I've sorted the patient transport in the past and I get every excuse under the sun why he won't use it ranging from "takes too long", "I need someone to help me get in the bus". Of course they do all this even people on oxygen/in wheelchairs etc.

Same with taxis. I've offered to pay. Nope.

Hes got a massive, massive chip on his shoulder that "someone" has to take him to his appointments regardless. I got a call from hospital once, didn't even know he was there, can I pick him up? Now I was 45 mins train ride, plus 45 mins drive away so we're looking at 2 hrs. Same work situation I can't just bail out unless its an emergency. I spoke to Dad and said "look get a taxi, its 15 mins, £10 or so I'll pay for it". Nope he refused. Sat and waited for 5 hours for patient transport then it was my fault he made himself ill because of it."

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Wouldn't accept taxi fare, expected 240 mile round trip and me not to get paid for a day. Used to ask who "SOMEONE" actually was...

[paulfoel]

Looks like I'm not the only one. Some of the stuff he comes up with is just insane.....

BUT, as a previous poster has proven, there are people out with this attitude that you should drop everything for a parent.

[FormerlyPathologicallyHappy]

Oh you’re not alone at all.

[paulfoel]

Jeez even though I called him out over it hes still doing it. I told him the other week that since I have access to your bank account because you want me to pay bills etc for you, I can see exactly whats going in and out.

I told him in the past few months I've seen regular cashpoint entries for his local town for £200 a time. Its not him since he never leaves the house. I've also seen one or two of over £200 for local garages (Dad doesn't have a car!).

Even though I've told him this he still does it.

Best thing is he still REALLY lays it on thick that I've got to visit every week come hell or high water because "I need milk". 60 mile round trip for me.....
My life is busy, wife works shifts, got a 10 year old who does loads of things in the evenings. If I try to explain to Dad I will visit but bear with me I get "oh well you need to make more of an effort to visit me".

Not that the fuel cost is a big issue but I think hang on, its costing me a little in fuel, yet the "Golden Child" a mile away is getting handouts. Yet he expects me to play the dutiful son as well....

Yeh OK I don't really need the money but 99% sure my brother doesn't either but has worked out what he needs to say to play the game.

[Daffidale]

It sounds really sh*t

I’m sorry but I think you need to dissociate yourself from this. Your Dad is how he is and you’re not going to change him. As they say: the only thing you can control is your own reactions. He can give money to who he likes, and yes it’s unfair he’s playing favourites and bribing your brother (and trying to manipulate you) to spend time with him. But sadly I think your only option is to decide not to care. Not to care about the money. Not to care if your Dad complains and demands things. You’re not prepared to play his game anymore. So don’t.

[saraclara]

It's maddening and I totally get why you're frustrated and feeling unappreciated. I would feel exactly the same

The only thing I'd argue with is this bit
Hospital visits hes got a massive chip on his shoulder about. You could get him a gold plated limo but he'd still moan that one of his sons "should" be taking him. A lot of it I think is so can show off to his friends how he can get his sons to drop everything.

You can't take him of course, I totally get that. But I doubt that his reason is to show off to his friends.
Hospitals are stressful, disorientating, and the actual appoitment is much easier to navigate and manage if you have someone with you to take things in and remind you of the questions you need to ask. And it gets harder (much harder) as you get older.
It wouldn't occur to me to ask one of my DDs to come with me, but the time when my DD was working in the same hospital, and unbeknown to me, asked to reschedule her break so that she could come to support me, it made the world of difference. I felt so supported and so much less anxious.

I still won't ask them to come with me, because they work and I'm independent of spirit even when worried. But if i did ask, it wouldn't be to show off to my friends. It would be because I'm anxious and stressed by hospitals and my health concerns.

[ThreeLeggedKitten]

How old is he? … just thinking of how fiercely I dependant my parents are despite being close to 80 and in mixed health ..

[paulfoel]

@Daffidale yeh I try but it still annoys me.

[paulfoel]

@ThreeLeggedKitten Hes 87 so getting on a bit. But hes been like a man baby since he got divorced, retired and moved into his own place in his late 50s.

[FormerlyPathologicallyHappy]

@saraclara In dhs family it’s a flex to be able to boast how much your kids do for you.

It’s a measure of what a wonderful parent you were. Unfortunately mil and two out of three siblings were shit parents and can’t compete.

[paulfoel]

@saraclara Oh I get that but with Dad its a case of "Do Nothing yourself if you can get someone else to do it". Hes been like it for 30 years now where he won't do a thing for himself. (You might have seen the refusal to get a washing machine story when he moved into his own place in his 50s because "its for women" - you can tell why hes been divorced twice!)

Hes got a hospital appt next week at 10am. I've told him its literally impossible to get to him and get him to hospital. (I live some distance away it'd take 90 mins in rush hour easily) after daughter gets on bus to school. His answer "well you're family need to understand" What? How?

I've booked him patient transport now but apparently I am such a bad son for this and hes ashamed to tell his friends what I've done. (see what I mean?)

Basically, he won't be happy unless I prove to him that hes number 1 priority. In the past hes said that he expects me to put him 1st above my wife and kids. What do I say to that?

[FormerlyPathologicallyHappy]

“No”

Say no. It’s mental for a grown man to be expected to treat his dad as more important than his wife and children.

[saraclara]

Hes got a hospital appt next week at 10am. I've told him its literally impossible to get to him and get him to hospital. (I live some distance away it'd take 90 mins in rush hour easily) after daughter gets on bus to school. His answer "well you're family need to understand" What? How?

I've booked him patient transport now but apparently I am such a bad son for this and hes ashamed to tell his friends what I've done. (see what I mean?)

I do @paulfoel ! Sorry, yes, he sounds a nightmare. I think I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I could probably do with help than my 'kids' know, but I wouldn't want to inconvenience them. Also my pride goes in the opposite direction from your dad's. I want to be independent.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Obviously you have to say no as can't do it but have some sympathy for an 87 year old arriving at a hospital all alone. I had reason to be in a hospital clinic and most of the clients there were very elderly . They all had someone with them. I don't know how they could have managed otherwise. Some didn't hear themselves being called. Some had no idea of the system...l barely had in my 60s. They were very reliant on their helper. So l feel you are a bit cold about your dad struggling to do it alone.
If your dB is calling in and out that's heaven sent for your dad. I lived near my aging mum and my brother who lives abroad sent me restaurant vouchers etc as he was so grateful to have someone doing what he couldn't.