Step mum has asked if DF with Parkinson's can stay with me

[BlueRaspberry7]

My dad and his wife moved a couple of hours away from where I and rest of his family live, to have the lifestyle and big house that they wanted.

Dad has since developed Parkinson's which is now declining and he has started having regular falls. Step mum feels he can't be left alone any more.

She has asked if he can come and stay with me "for a few days every now and then" as she wants a few days off.

My situation is I work full time and have two children and we're live in a 3-bed house. She's asked whether my children can bunk up when he stays. I'm already feeling stretched with demanding work and family life as is.

I now feel very guilty and ashamed for not wanting to regularly welcome DF in our home, but I know it won't with around my family.

I've asked if they can get some assistance at home, but he apparently isn't ready for this.

Please can anyone help me with experiences, thoughts... I'm feeling so confused and guilty.

Does he need to have someone with him all the time? Implying she need time off would suggest he does. But if you are out all day working then running around after the kids he’s no more better off then being at his own home all day, while she pops out to do whatever she wants to do.

since they have the large house you could suggest you and the kids will go there for odd weekend to spend time with him and she can maybe get away? So you will be offering some support but it’s not in your home and not when you a working. This may still not be practical but it’s not a “no”.

If it was my Dad or Mum..I'd definitely have them with me and work out the children.
My parents died age 62 ( suddenly heart attack) .. I'd have done anything for them.. and my daughters are the same with me.. family is everything to us and always come first..

Also I’m a disabled adult who has had use carers in the past. No way would I want to rely on adult children when I had other options and money to be able to do so myself. He will need extra care at some point even if his wife does all the care often it’s a two person job to help with hoist and the like. Getting used to managing paid carers is a skill best done slowly. Not until you are in crisis mode

It's tough but I'm with you other than as a very short term occasional option to give her a break, not a regular thing.

It's not about him being ready for assistance, it's about her being able to leave him so she can get some respite. If you have a good enough relationship with him can you talk to them about realistic long term solutions? PIL have bitten the bullet and FIL now goes to a care home for respite for a week every so often - the respite is entirely for MIL benefit.

I would just for respite purposes but make it clear that he essentially cannot come and live with you and at some point he will need professional carers as it worsens.

I think if you are able to offer her some short-term respite occasionally then it wouldn't hurt. If you can't - maybe help her find a respite service. If he can't be left alone now he needs a more longterm care solution. My friend's husband has Parkinsons and it's draining the life out of her.

I would offer to spend a night there every so often so as not to move him from his usual residence. If the Parkinson’s develops a Parkinson’s dementia the change of environment will confuse him further. It’s not your job to facilitate her time off but if you want to visit then you could combine the 2.
If it becomes too regular than what you can manage they need to be looking at respite care, or sit in services. Age UK can help with this. Or their Parkinson’s Nurse would be able to signpost them

Your dad and SM need to accept that if he can't be left alone anymore and is having regular falls, that the respite care that she needs has to come from professionals in an environment that is set up for someone with limited mobility - not a house with stairs, small children (who leave stuff out) and someone who is working and looking after said children.
Starting having carers/ going to respite is a big step I know, but it is what is a sustainable long term plan.
And yes, my parents are both dead now, and they would have preferred me to do caring - but having carers/cleaners/ handyman and using respite care is what kept them at home as they wished to the end. And what allowed my ds to have a childhood with a sane mother. I provided remote care and support for 15 years and I refused to let anyone make me feel guilty

Urge your step mum to enquire about help ASAP. I know someone who fell recently and ended up with a bleed on the brain!

Don't take on the responsibility of having your dad at your house that's even worse him wondering round in a house that's not his home.

Please don’t feel guilty at all. You want to be a daughter, not a carer. Help her find respite care/ carers.
this is sadly the start of things which will only go one way…..
help by researching care options…… county council website adult social care/ age uk/ carers association etc. Parkinson society may also be able to help.

No, a small 3 bed house with kids isn't a suitable place for him. He falls. He could fall down the stairs. If you have both him and the kids trying to come down stairs at same time what happens? He could fall on them. He could take you down with him. They need to adapt to his needs. This means professional care, adapting living space to keep him downstairs or moving to a bungalow. If she wants more help with them from you, then they need to move closer.

Doesn't matter what he's 'ready for', he needs it.

Agree wholeheartedly with

@CMOTDibbler ; having carers/cleaners/ handyman and using respite care is what kept them at home as they wished to the end. And what allowed my ds to have a childhood with a sane mother. I provided remote care and support for 15 years and I refused to let anyone make me feel guilty

Your step Mum could start here parkinsonscare.org.uk/apply-for-respite-care/

Your step mother needs to contact social services and start the ball rolling. Everywhere is short staffed and may have waiting lists but she needs more help than family. Using family is fine for a day or two every once in a while but it doesn't solve the problem.

He may need carers or maybe only a sitter for a few hours. A few hours every week would definitely help her.

If she relies on you then you might not be able to do it all the time such as when one of your kids are ill then she would be stuck.

This. Coming to you for a few nights is not the answer.

This is a good idea. Could you go for two nights a couple of times a year? I know you have children but assuming they have a father?

Did your step mom and dad help you much with your two children before he became ill?

Given your situation OP I don't think you should feel guilty for saying no. My advice would be different if you were a SAHM with a bigger house, but with FT work and a 3-bed it's really not fair for your (presumably retired) SM to put this on you. If she needs respite (and I don't blame her if she feels she does), then there will be options she can explore that don't involve you.

I agree with the majority of the pps. Coming to you for a few nights, when you don’t have the space / time to provide safe care, is not respite care. I can totally understand that your step mum needs a break, but she (with your remote assistance) needs to start exploring the next steps in terms of care ideally respite care locally to where she is.

what does your father think? how far advanced is his Parkinson’s? What’s their financial situation ie can they afford to pay for respite care?

We used Home Instead for my grandmother so we didn't need to visit every day, and then it's in place for holidays.

Another vote for HomeInstead.

As PPs have already mentioned, trying to use already overloaded family because he is not "ready" to accept professional help is not a sustainable way forward and simply adds to the burdens of the family with no discernible benefit to anyone.

It's tough but now is the time to grasp the nettle and get some support.

HomeInstead worked really well for first DF and then DM. As experienced carers they were very helpful to educate us in what works and what doesn't.

You can book private carers for respite on the Curam Care website.

It's too much for you. You work full time and have two children you can't possibly care for a father with parkinsons too. They can often have difficulty with mobility. Is he a large man? I hope you don't mind me asking but that will make things even worse.

It's not really a question of HIM being ready for carers. His wife and family are ready for them. He will never be ready for them!

We have this with MIL and the answer has been no. Dh does organise the respite care for her when it is sought. Everyone including her thinks we should do far more than we realistically could do. The family has always been very dysfunctional so other people’s opinions have never really reflected what is realistically possible. Our time and energy is extremely limited due to work and family demands and it is completely unrealistic for us to volunteer to provide the level of care MIL requires. My suggestion is to learn to say no and to deal with the guilt. Expectations will always be there and you need to keep enforcing boundaries

Agree that they need to explore options other than the one suggested. It's OK to say that the practicalities just do not work for you and your household.

It doesn't sound like an effective solution even if you wanted to, OP. You're not going to be home with him all day. Even on weekends/whenever you have days off work, you'll be running errands, and focusing on the children, simply by necessity. It sounds good on paper for him to stay with you a few days a month, but in reality it's not addressing the problem at all.

His Parkinson's is at a stage where he struggles frequently with cognition/memory/daily tasks and with back and forth conversation.

Physically - his tremor and motor skills are bad - he has trouble eating due to cutlet E skills. his eyesight is deteriorating which combined with visual hallucinations makes getting around/ stairs etc a danger. I think he needs an OT or similar intervention.

He is also underweight and quite frail, with digestive problems and shoulder pain.

I would like to see more of him but not as a carer. I think I'll suggest going up there at weekends as pps have suggested to give step mum a break now and then, rather than him staying at our place for more than a couple of nights at a time.

For context, our relationship is fine but he's generally been quite critical of me and my life choices (eg to home educate my autistic daughter until she was ready to re-enter school) over the years. My brother died in his late 20s so family dynamics have been affected by that.

One of the biggest challenges my step mum finds is his tendency to underplay his PD problems. He will not do his physio or speech therapy which understandably frustrates her