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Elderly parents
Original poster

Step mum has asked if DF with Parkinson's can stay with me

177 replies

BlueRaspberry7 · 14/08/2023 11:23

My dad and his wife moved a couple of hours away from where I and rest of his family live, to have the lifestyle and big house that they wanted.

Dad has since developed Parkinson's which is now declining and he has started having regular falls. Step mum feels he can't be left alone any more.

She has asked if he can come and stay with me "for a few days every now and then" as she wants a few days off.

My situation is I work full time and have two children and we're live in a 3-bed house. She's asked whether my children can bunk up when he stays. I'm already feeling stretched with demanding work and family life as is.

I now feel very guilty and ashamed for not wanting to regularly welcome DF in our home, but I know it won't with around my family.

I've asked if they can get some assistance at home, but he apparently isn't ready for this.

Please can anyone help me with experiences, thoughts... I'm feeling so confused and guilty.

OP posts:
jolaylasofia · 14/08/2023 16:34

Twuntina · 14/08/2023 16:24

Yes, it was a bit harsh and I'm sure she is struggling with it really. I think the message she wrote would have got my back up "does that mean the girls can't bunk up then"? Especially when op has her hands very full already, has a smaller house and has just hosted her dad. I'm not in love with the stepmum based on the thread (but know things can be totally different irl)

i agree i don't like the message either. Seems abit cheeky and presumptuous to me.

TallerThanAverage · 14/08/2023 16:36

Cosycatz · 14/08/2023 16:16

I think I’d be replying with something like:

That sounds very difficult for you both. Unfortunately my house is not suitable for visits with the current situation re Dad’s fall risk and between my work and children logistics. I don’t want to create expectations for you that we won’t be able to meet.

I can cover two days day 1 and day 2 for your London trip up at yours but I’d have to be back by xx on day 3. Is it time for you to consider looking at support agencies coming into your house for Dad because you will need to have regular breaks managing all of that and obviously with work I won’t have the days off to cover the respite you will need?

For you @BlueRaspberry7 it is important to remember that as adults this is their responsibility to sort out try not to take too much of it onto yourself because expectations become the norm very quickly. It is also very much a marathon not a sprint. This will continue for many years.

Don’t message her, speak to her either on the phone or in person.

Pippylongstock · 14/08/2023 16:39

I think some of these responses are very harsh. We had my grandparents living with us for the last decade of their lives. It was exhausting for my mum (her parents). I don’t think your stepmum is asking for a lot. I agree with others much better to facilitate care in his own home if you can. Is remote working an option? She does need more support but giving her the odd weekend off isn’t actually asking very much.

jolaylasofia · 14/08/2023 16:47

Pippylongstock · 14/08/2023 16:39

I think some of these responses are very harsh. We had my grandparents living with us for the last decade of their lives. It was exhausting for my mum (her parents). I don’t think your stepmum is asking for a lot. I agree with others much better to facilitate care in his own home if you can. Is remote working an option? She does need more support but giving her the odd weekend off isn’t actually asking very much.

a child doesn't have any obligation to look after a parent. The wife however chose in sickness and in health.
I don't think guilt tripping anyone is going to help. you lived with your grandparents and was your mothers choice to do so- i personally would not put that stress on my children.

ReadySteadyGoNow · 14/08/2023 16:52

@Pippylongstock its interesting that you say your grand parents staying was very hard/exhausting for your mum whilst berating the OP for not doing the same!

Kweeky · 14/08/2023 16:58

I feel for the Stepmum. If she hasn’t been able to go anywhere as he can’t be left, also the thought of always taking this poorly DF with her every time she does leave the house sounds awful to me.
He won’t want it and stepmum wont want to force it but they need support -best would be an old friend of DF to visit and stay occasionally or a sibling,his or yours, but otherwise a ‘carer’ but I would think a kindly neighbour might help out or advertise for someone. A companion not just a career.

tobyj · 14/08/2023 17:00

We're in a similar situation with PIL. We do have DFIL every now and then for a couple of nights, and we do have to take time off work to do that, as he can't be left alone - but our kids are teenagers, and we've got a spare room and a downstairs loo, so it's easier. But also,, DFIL has recently done his first respite week in a care home, which was quite successful. I think the important thing is to make your mum feel listened to and really emphasise the need for her to have respite - but make clear that there are other ways of facilitating that. So offer to stay at their house if you can, and/or offer to look up local companies that offer residential respite or live-in respite carers, if they've got the money for that (DFIL's respite week cost two grand, so it's not a cheap option).

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 17:02

I think it would be very different if you were being asked in order to provide company or make meals, but the fact he cannot be left on his own at all demonstrates that he needs a level of care that is now beyond being provided solely by relatives. Going there is problematic sensible to assess the situation.
And no even though my DPs are decent people, I don't see it in my remit - unless unavoidable- to be providing full on solo care. I'm sure that makes me sound heartless, but they didn't provide it for their parents.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/08/2023 17:04

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 14/08/2023 11:30

If it was my Dad or Mum..I'd definitely have them with me and work out the children.
My parents died age 62 ( suddenly heart attack) .. I'd have done anything for them.. and my daughters are the same with me.. family is everything to us and always come first..

But if you're out at work all day you can't take care of him at the same time. That's just guilt tripping.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/08/2023 17:04

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 14/08/2023 11:30

If it was my Dad or Mum..I'd definitely have them with me and work out the children.
My parents died age 62 ( suddenly heart attack) .. I'd have done anything for them.. and my daughters are the same with me.. family is everything to us and always come first..

It doesn't sound practical or safe for him to be there, especially if he can't be left alone.

tobyj · 14/08/2023 17:05

@Kweeky I agree but it's a really difficult stage, and we're in exactly the same place with PIL. He can't be left, which is massively restricting for her - but equally she hates having carers in the house (and thinks it's a waste of money paying for them when his needs are still manageable by her). He doesn't mind having carers too much, but desperately doesn't want to go into a home. She's resentful and irritable and wants family to help more, but family aren't desperately local and have full time jobs. It's really hard.

EleanorLucyG · 14/08/2023 17:07

"isn't ready for this" = doesn't want carers, wants family to do it. Tough shit. He doesn't have the right to destroy someone else's life just because illness has destroyed his.

If he wants more family visits eg for an hour or two respite for DSM then they need to move back to the family's local area. Can't have their cake and eat it. Keep saying no, don't feel guilty. Part of being married is basically signing up to potentially be your partner's carer and organise social services care etc when the time comes. You don't get to marry, combine resources, live in the big house in your chosen area then shirk on the nasty parts of life.

If she needs respite she needs to contact SS for 1) an assessment of needs for DF to determine what help he needs and 2) a carer's assessment for herself to determine what she needs in order to keep caring for him, accept any help offered, pay whatever financial contribution they're assessed as needing to pay (which may be 100% of costs depending on their income and savings and how much help they're assessed as needing).

Is he claiming Attendance Allowance? Is she claiming Carer's Allowance? DSM needs to get onto this and put in claims. These can be then be used to pay a private carer, a cleaner, a gardener, pre cooked meals or whatever else would make DSM life easier, freeing up her time and energy to provide care for DF or for herself to rest and take a break from caring for an hour or two.

NancyJoan · 14/08/2023 17:13

She needs to apply for respite. She could get quite a few weeks of him going into residential care to give her a break. They need to at least explore this.

CatandSpoon · 14/08/2023 17:13

While you probably feel guilty for not taking him on consider this:
If you asked SM to mind your two small children for a few days because things are tough she'd say no , she can only manage minding your dad. So....you can't mind your dad and your young children together

AcclimDD · 14/08/2023 17:19

I don't think the step-mum's message is presumptuous at all. I agree with the earlier poster who said it's "gently-phrased".
@MrsGalloway gives good advice :

think I’d reply and say you’d be happy to come and stay so she can have a few days in London but having him to stay at your house wouldn’t be possible, you’d be concerned about safety in an unfamiliar environment with no downstairs loo (although you might not want to get into justifying it if you think she might keep suggesting work arounds)

I’d also say something along the lines of I’m worried about both of you, distance, my children and work mean I’m not able to help consistently and I think you need more than a few days every now and then, suggest you go and see them and you all have a chat.

Pippylongstock · 14/08/2023 17:20

@ReadySteadyGoNow my grandparents lived with us, for a decade, with zero support from other family members. Had family helped it would have actually lightened the load. Being full time carers is unimaginably tough and helping occasionally isn’t a lot.

WhyOhWine · 14/08/2023 17:22

We are in a very similar situation with my dad. I am worried about my mum because she is very fit and healthy but now basically has no independence . I live about 6 hours journey away and there is no way he could travel here even though i have room and my DC are now at uni. I have offered the following:

  1. to visit every other month for 4-5 days (I work full time so hard to do more than that)
  2. to pay for care, whether on a respite basis or more regular.

SO far, my parents have not accepted my offer to pay for care (even though they know i can afford) and when I go to visit, my mum does not take advantage of it to go off and do her own stuff, partly because she wants to spend time with me and partly I suspect she thinks i would be rubbish if something went wrong when i was there! Not sure why she thinks this - I am a very competent person but am a bit squeamish so suspect it is that.

The problem is that this means that the burden falls mainly on my mum but also on one of my siblings who lives very close to them but has a lot more on her plate than I do with much younger children one with severe SN.

I think maybe next time i am over i will see if i can book respite carers and take my mum out for a treat.

MentholLoad · 14/08/2023 17:28

CatandSpoon · 14/08/2023 17:13

While you probably feel guilty for not taking him on consider this:
If you asked SM to mind your two small children for a few days because things are tough she'd say no , she can only manage minding your dad. So....you can't mind your dad and your young children together

presuming OP has a husband/partner

tobyj · 14/08/2023 17:28

@WhyOhWine I totally recognise what you say about your mum not wanting to go away. Again, we have the same with MIL - she wants to have respite but she also wants to see us, so she wants us to have FIL for a couple of days but then also add on a couple of days seeing her - which adds up to a good chunk of holiday time.

MrsGalloway · 14/08/2023 17:31

I think a couple of days every now and then might not seem like a lot but the reality is that OPs dad can’t be left alone anymore so it isn’t sustainable for either of them to continue to refuse outside help especially when they live a distance from family.

If the OP says yes then it might kick the can down the road for a few months but it isn’t dealing with the problem. Having seen this disease and its progression I really don’t think it’s in OPs Dads best interests to have him to stay in the circumstances.

NancyJoan · 14/08/2023 17:34

WhyOhWine · 14/08/2023 17:22

We are in a very similar situation with my dad. I am worried about my mum because she is very fit and healthy but now basically has no independence . I live about 6 hours journey away and there is no way he could travel here even though i have room and my DC are now at uni. I have offered the following:

  1. to visit every other month for 4-5 days (I work full time so hard to do more than that)
  2. to pay for care, whether on a respite basis or more regular.

SO far, my parents have not accepted my offer to pay for care (even though they know i can afford) and when I go to visit, my mum does not take advantage of it to go off and do her own stuff, partly because she wants to spend time with me and partly I suspect she thinks i would be rubbish if something went wrong when i was there! Not sure why she thinks this - I am a very competent person but am a bit squeamish so suspect it is that.

The problem is that this means that the burden falls mainly on my mum but also on one of my siblings who lives very close to them but has a lot more on her plate than I do with much younger children one with severe SN.

I think maybe next time i am over i will see if i can book respite carers and take my mum out for a treat.

My FIL died earlier this year, but they had 8 weeks of residential respite a year, so use as they chose. He could go into a nursing home, looked after by trained staff, and MIL either went away for a few days, or stayed home and slept/went out for lunch etc etc. Get your mum to talk to social services, or start with the GP.

Quartz2208 · 14/08/2023 17:36

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 14/08/2023 11:30

If it was my Dad or Mum..I'd definitely have them with me and work out the children.
My parents died age 62 ( suddenly heart attack) .. I'd have done anything for them.. and my daughters are the same with me.. family is everything to us and always come first..

It is incredibly naive though to assume @TinkerbellefromYorkshire that family care is the best option.

the stage of Parkinson’s he is at is a difficult one and expert respite care and daily careers is the best way forward. Family visiting and being there of course is the best way forward but looking after complex needs is not

TheShellBeach · 14/08/2023 17:40

Your father and stepmother are just trying to delay the inevitable.
They need to start employing carers and looking at nursing homes.
Expecting the OP to look after a very sick old man when she has a full time job and children is selfish and unreasonable.

SheilaFentiman · 14/08/2023 17:42

I think that message from SM was politely asking, not cheeky and unreasonable.

MentholLoad · 14/08/2023 17:51

TheShellBeach · 14/08/2023 17:40

Your father and stepmother are just trying to delay the inevitable.
They need to start employing carers and looking at nursing homes.
Expecting the OP to look after a very sick old man when she has a full time job and children is selfish and unreasonable.

it's not selfish and unreasonable, she just ASKED. Undoubtedly she is incredibly sad, distressed, grieving already, scared, exhausted. no one can prepare for this and it's all very well telling people what they 'should' do, but the reality of doing it is heartbreaking and difficult