Step mum has asked if DF with Parkinson's can stay with me

[BlueRaspberry7]

My dad and his wife moved a couple of hours away from where I and rest of his family live, to have the lifestyle and big house that they wanted.

Dad has since developed Parkinson's which is now declining and he has started having regular falls. Step mum feels he can't be left alone any more.

She has asked if he can come and stay with me "for a few days every now and then" as she wants a few days off.

My situation is I work full time and have two children and we're live in a 3-bed house. She's asked whether my children can bunk up when he stays. I'm already feeling stretched with demanding work and family life as is.

I now feel very guilty and ashamed for not wanting to regularly welcome DF in our home, but I know it won't with around my family.

I've asked if they can get some assistance at home, but he apparently isn't ready for this.

Please can anyone help me with experiences, thoughts... I'm feeling so confused and guilty.

this is so detached from emotions though. 'the frail elderly man' is HER DAD. I think the reality lies in the middle doesn't it. OP can't provide care on a regular ongoing basis because of the medical needs, the distance, her kids, her job. but it is probably noy too much to ask to do it a couple of times as an interim measure, whilst she discusses long term options with step mum and organises what is necessary. presumably she WANTS to visit her dad anyway, at some point

I dont think this would be practical. But he obviously needs extra help and your step mother needs a bit of respite. Perhaps you could go there for a few days and see how bad the situation is.,

@MentholLoad this is so detached from emotions though. 'the frail elderly man' is HER DAD. I think the reality lies in the middle doesn't it. OP can't provide care on a regular ongoing basis because of the medical needs, the distance, her kids, her job. but it is probably noy too much to ask to do it a couple of times as an interim measure, whilst she discusses long term options with step mum and organises what is necessary. presumably she WANTS to visit her dad anyway, at some point

I've been there. That frail elderly man was my dad (he's dead now). I cam tell you there is no way on earth I would have been able to have him come and stay with me if I were in the OP's shoes.

It's not kind, it's idiotic. He cannot cope with the stairs. He cannot cope without a downstairs toilet. He probably can't cope with an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar layout. What happens if he falls down the stairs?

Of course she can visit. And maybe she can go and care for him in his home overnight. But she cannot have him to stay in her home like her stepmother wants because it would be unfair on everyone, especially him.

Thing with paid care is it’s a case of “better a year too early than a day too late”.

They need to get that sorted now because he’s only going one way in terms of disease progression . The risk is that if the OP offers to help it means they use that as an excuse to kick the can down the road and then it will become some huge crisis when the SM can’t cope on a daily basis. Therefore I’d make one contingent on the other.

@Clymene - I think you need to read my post again. It says nothing about the OP looking after her dad in her home. In fact I very clearly say

The op has a father who’s unwell. Of course she can visit for a few nights every so often to look after him and give her stepmum some respite

It always helps to read things properly.

I don't think anyone on the thread is suggesting that he stay at OPs house.

Going to stay with my DF from time to time to spend time with him and give SM a break is not a problem.

I spoke with SM last night and will be going up at bank hol ( her first available weekend) to speak with them both about that and our ways forward.

My post was about her question around DF coming to stay for a few nights at mine from time to time. Having spoken, she agrees that this isn't a viable solution and that DF is more likely to get confused away from his familiar setting. The impact on me and my family is also a concern, and not one feels self indulgent.

It's a very sad and difficult time for everyone concerned.

Many thanks for all the advice and signposts in this thread.

If it was my parents I'd have them

I work full time and have children. But I'd provide respite. It's what you do in a
Family.

But I'd provide respite. It's what you do in a
Family.

I could only have provided care if it was guaranteed that my parents wouldn't fall/if they did they could get up with minimal help/there would be someone to help me get them up if necessary.

@DinnaeFashYersel how would you ensure your home and the care you provided was suitable and safe for your parents while you were working?

It's not a dig, I'm genuinely curious how you'd make that work?

Can they financially afford carers/respite care? You would be surprised how many people make do with no help as care can be astronomically expensive.
OP. I'd ask if I could stay there with him instead if possible.

💐

But that’s not what is being requested. The OP clearly states “She has asked if he can come and stay with me "for a few days every now and then" as she wants a few days off.”

it's not possible. I have been providing respite for years. never in my house because all the reasons people have said. it's just not safe or viable. it's unfamiliar, the kids are here, all the equipment is at my parents house. it would be so disorientating for your dad.

care is not something you can do whilst also working on your laptop or also watching small kids. it is full on. I have only been able to do it regularly because I live close by. it's incredibly stressful, emotional and exhausting. and of course as care needs increase over time, eventually you don't have enough leave from work and there is an increasing gap in available care. so don't feel guilty. but also don't be too harsh on your SM, this is all an unknown for her too and her emotions will be overwhelming watching your dad decline and feeling like she is failing him.

I would suggest being with her and helping her to organise a Needs Assessment by Social Services to establish either respite or permanent care. ime, she will need emotional support to work through the processes because it's pretty complex and devastating. the needs assessment includes a financial assessment to determine what percentage of the costs, they will be expected to contribute. they won't make her sell her house to pay for it. I think if they have joint savings of 40k, or he has 20k in his own name then they have to pay, otherwise it's means tested

Op, many [flower]

I am glad your SM sees that him coming to you is not viable and hopefully you and she can move things forward with carers when you speak in the next couple of weeks, so that all your lives get better.

@MentholLoad thanks so much for all this info, really helpful to hear your experience and advice.

Exactly @MereDintofPandiculation. Stepmother wants him to go and stay with the OP.

@BlueRaspberry7 - ask you SM if she's called to arrange a needs assessment and if not, you can do that. I did for my dad. You'll have to answer a lot of questions - it takes about an hour over the phone - but it gets the ball rolling.

Where my dad lived, it was then about 3 months before they actually came round and assessed the house. They fitted grab rails and ramps which really helped and made lots of useful suggestions too about other agencies/organisations which could help.

It really is also worth applying for attendance allowance too which is quite a decent amount and not means tested. Again, the form is quite long so you help with that too.

I think one of the worse things about degenerative conditions is that you're just left to get on with things. The joined up care just isn't there.

The Op said quite early on in the thread that it could be a solution. Others also suggested it. Did you read the whole thread before you posted?

It's literally the title of the thread.

Sorry I should have said that's what SM wanted. I'm so glad she's realised that isn't a very good idea for any of you.

My heart goes out to you, it's incredibly difficult

I honestly wouldn't bring him to your home. You'd never forgive yourself if he had an accident while there and hurt himself. Much better for him to be in his own house, especially since you are working and your house isn't suitable to meet his needs.

I would offer to stay with him while step mum went to London though.

Being brutally honest, how much help I was willing to give in this situation would very much depend on how they'd been as parents. Just my impression but your step mum seems to be quite formal in her communication with you. If they'd been the kind of parents who spent their lives pleasing themselves, and not offering much support to others, id be more reluctant to step in than if they'd been supportive and present parents to me.
Idk, the cynic in me thinks your step mum is trying to offload her responsibility now that life is getting hard and it's not your job to take that on - yes, he's your dad but he could be ill for a very long time and you don't want to take on too much at the expense of your kids' childhood. But otoh, if he's been an amazing dad, then I would definitely spend time in his home helping him as much as possible.

If you do go and stay, I agree with making it very clear to step mum that she needs to get proper support in. What you could do is research all that for her and help with logistics of organising. That would help them both in the long run.

@BlueRaspberry7 in my experience of knowing people who’ve had to involve carers or residential care for a loved one it’s quite often those who’ve been against the idea the longest who very quickly come around to it when the time comes. You may be very surprised and find that once you’ve really broached the subject with your stepmum she’s pleased someone else is taking on the responsibility of the decision and it becomes something she’ll agree to as long as it’s not her making the decision. You just have to approach it in the correct way.

I was like this when it came to stopping my son from traveling every summer due to his mental health deteriorating very badly. It had got to the stage that in order to make his trips to the UK possible we travelled as a group of 5 and someone would still come home with a black eye. Anyway one year I thought we can’t do this anymore and my heart was broken as I knew what I was taking away from him. Anyway when we got home from the airport my other adult children were waiting for us and my son and son in law (both pilots) told me - we love DB but the flying has to stop. And that’s all I can offer by way of detailing that conversation with my children because I still can’t go there after certain things were explained to me. Suffice to say it hurts both my son and myself that he can’t go on holiday anymore but I was so glad when others took the responsibility of bringing the trips to an end. I knew I wasn’t going to do it again and I’d told them but they knew me and they decided - right, now’s the time to say what we have to say. And I’m so glad they did because I’m my mind (to quite an extent) the trips were stopped on the advice of two pilots (and the rest of my children)

Im sorry if this has been long but I hope I’ve managed to explain well.

it is, but the conversation evolved pretty quickly

@PollyThePixie thanks for sharing that. yes I think I understand what you're saying - that it was easier in a way when others took the very difficult decision out of your hands?

It sounds like a painful process for you, I'm sorry.

Sending

To add - my mum was very resistant to carers, changing cleaner, Meals on Wheels etc but was always pleased after the fact when we pushed her and they were put in place.