Step mum has asked if DF with Parkinson's can stay with me

[BlueRaspberry7]

My dad and his wife moved a couple of hours away from where I and rest of his family live, to have the lifestyle and big house that they wanted.

Dad has since developed Parkinson's which is now declining and he has started having regular falls. Step mum feels he can't be left alone any more.

She has asked if he can come and stay with me "for a few days every now and then" as she wants a few days off.

My situation is I work full time and have two children and we're live in a 3-bed house. She's asked whether my children can bunk up when he stays. I'm already feeling stretched with demanding work and family life as is.

I now feel very guilty and ashamed for not wanting to regularly welcome DF in our home, but I know it won't with around my family.

I've asked if they can get some assistance at home, but he apparently isn't ready for this.

Please can anyone help me with experiences, thoughts... I'm feeling so confused and guilty.

Well said.

If you go up for a weekend as suggested then you can speak with SM and give her some support about getting carers in. If he's as bad as you say she should really have some regular help. It's hard when people say they don't want care but maybe you can emphasise this is some help for SM, not just your dad. It's hard on her caring for him alone, when he is quite bad.

I agree with everyone else that it would be better to go to him if possible.

Practically, if he had a fall-what would you do?

I would go and stay to cover this break, with all the complexities of childcare and job leave that would require, but I would say that regular respite care and inhome carers must start ASAP. That way your stepmother definitely gets what is clearly a desperately needed weekend, your df stays in a familiar place and is a bit less less likely to fall or deteriorate sharply, and you set the very clear expectation that your home isn't suitable or available. (No downstairs toilet? How will that work?)

This is the moment to be the bossy unpleasant daughter who 'makes' them get carers in' because she 'won't help'. Ie takes the responsibility for picking the best of several bad options and shoulders the guilt and worry of that.

As for 'family comes first', well of course. The problem is that there are direct conflicts here between different parts of the family, one part being the basic requirement to keep working to put food on the table for the children.

This is naïve, my MIL is a bit further on. She cannot eat by herself, get dressed by herself, toilet herself, climb stairs by herself, walk for huge chunks of the day, walking ability comes and goes with medication. She is a massive fall risk happens all the time that she has serious injuries. She takes up to 20 tablets per day which she cannot take responsibility for taking. Parkinson’s is extensively debilitating and doesn’t compare to some of the situations that are being compared to on here MIL resisted and resisted carers too. But it becomes necessary and needs to start somewhere.

@MentholLoad i agree she's probably sad and exhausted but she will also want to protect her capital. Paying for care isn't cheap.

We 'made' DMIL ger carers in but she got rid of them after a few months (waste of money, didnt like having them in the house). Thing is, if they're of sound mind and they're paying, you can't make them have carers. Yes, you can say no to providing respite care yourself, but if that doesn't result in them getting carers in, and your MIL's life gets harder and harder, it's very hard to maintain that position - particularly when your parents/ILs have done a lot for you in the past (as ours have). The theory is easy but the reality is hard.

of course, it's terrifying to have your household income reduced as well, worrying about your own quality of life being impacted

yep! my first attempt...my dad was very sick and unable to care for my mum. I organised carers and he turned them away at the door 4, days in a row. it wasn't until he was hospitalised, that I was able to get proper respite care. it is such a difficult time isn't it. this stage of life is terrifying for them, they don't want to admit they can't take care of their spouses, they feel like they are abandoning them. they are mourning the loss of that person whilst they are still there. and having to care for their life partners, like babies. heart breaking all round

Has she applied for attendance allowance? Had a social care assessment? Those are things she urgently needs to put in place.

He also needs carers. Tough shit if he doesn't want them. They have money, they can afford them. A couple of mornings a week to start with would get him used to the idea and mean she can go out.

If she wants a break, respite care for a week at a time is available in many care homes.

Offer to help her with all that. Not him coming to stay in your very unsuitable home.

Would he be able to manage with the stairs ? I lost my dad due to Parkinson’s last sept and it’s been a couple of years since he was able to stay due to stairs so I would go and stay at mam and dads to allow her to have a few days away on coach trips etc

As a positive, and conscious OP this thread must be hard to read, we had a really good experience with carers. We started by employing a lady to come a couple of times a week so Mum had a break.

I would never ever have thought it but Dad really liked her and he adapted very quickly from not wanting any help at all to asking if Mel was coming that day. She was very cheerful and practical, she’d take him out for a pub lunch or to a garden centre or play board games or do drawing with him, she understood his needs far better than we did. I think, because obviously there wasn’t the emotional connection, it was sometimes good for him to be with someone who wasn’t feeling sad and worried all the time.

Caring for someone who is a tough, tough job and the feeling of just someone stepping in even for just a couple of days, is a massive relief.

I would say that if you have a good relationship with them and your dad is a good house guest, try and find a way to make it work but be clear up front how often (or not) you're able to do this.

I do understand the point about 'not being ready' for carers. To some, accepting help can almost feel like an admission of defeat, finally having to face the fact that the illness is progressing. In my dad's case, he and mum waited too long and by the time they could admit it, mum was exhausted. When the carers started, they both said 'we just wish we'd done it sooner'.

Degenerative illness is a tough journey to walk and your stepmum must be feeling burned out. If your relationship is good, why not give it a try?

this is where I think I am lucky both my parents mothers lived a long time and needed respite care and expert care and recognise that when the time comes in my Dads Parkinson’s journey respite care will be used and welcomed.

My Dads mum stayed in her house unable to cl8mb the stairs for 3 years until she was 93. When she moved into her flat she admitted she should have done it years before. During Covid she was so grateful to be there

Because she lives in a three bedroom house with no downstairs toilet and her dad can't get upstairs.

I know I probably seem cold but I've personal experience of this making do approach to care and it doesn't work. You're just exhausting everyone and putting the elderly person at risk.

True, but she's asking for the wrong thing. I'd have more sympathy if she was asking for something more appropriate. If she was asking for help persuading DF to accept carers coming in or asking for help with sourcing respite care, fair enough, but she didn't, she tried to dump the problem on someone who already has a full life.

Downtime from work is to rest, mentally decompress and practically prepare yourself for the next day so you can work efficiently again. It's not viable to be working whilst also trying to provide childcare and 24/7 1-2-1 care for an elderly disabled person. It's too much and DSM should be asking for it. Annual leave is to rest and recooperate more thoroughly or to take care of essential life things such as home maintenance. It's supposed to be a break so return to refreshed, not spent working in an alternative unpaid more demanding job (24/7 carer) and returning to work more burned out than ever.

Even if they were the best parents to OP and helped a lot with childcare, she can pay that forwards helping her own DC with childcare. There's a limit for how much caring a person can take on in their lifetime and there's systems in place for elderly care (which often needs training and 2-1 to provide effectively and safely).

The parents can look into downsizing for a start, to free up some money if needed to fund care themselves. They can move closer to the people they want to help them out to make it easier for them to pop round for a cuppa and help with a few house chores while there or drop some shopping off or sit with DF for half hour. But DSM isn't suggesting any of that, only what's least inconvenient for her.

This isn't some emergency where everyone needs to muck in temporarily. She's going on holiday. If people with DC want a holiday and taking the DC would mean the holiday isn't viable or wouldn't be much fun, in the vast majority of cases they don't go, they don't try to find another relative to drop their DC on. I don't see how DSM situation is any different.

They need to face the reality that they needed carers in a long time ago before DSM became desperate for a break.

I am simply astounded by the naivety of some posters. Parkinsons is degenerative disease. If dementia also sets in it just isn't possible to provide safe care alongside working and caring for younger children. The ideal is to build in some kind of 'companion ' as outlined above who puld build a positive relationship and potential tilly deliver more care as time goes by. Waiting until the last possible minute before arranging care is a mistake I have seen played out too many times. Often the overall consequences are more negative for the individual and their families. It is my greatest wish that I will be able to support my mum as she becomes more frail but I can't control how her health will go in her later years. What I definitely won't be doing is patching together and exhausted and haphazard family team of we need professional input just so I can not feel guilty.

Good post

This!
Over and over again!
It isn't just a case of having her fit and well dad to stay for a bit - this is a man who is confused and cannot walk far, who is probably incontinent, and who cannot access an upstairs bathroom.
How and where will he be assisted to wash?
Who will feed him? Get him dressed?
Give him his tablets?
He needs carers.

The OP has a job and children. Her dad needs 24 hour care!

I agree she is asking for the wrong thing, but she may be exhausted and not thinking straight (mum got to this stage with dad, she didn’t want to be invaded by carers for him but that led to her asking the neighbours for unreasonable things).

As a possible way forward, OP going to her dad’s house to let her step mum have that few days off should be a prelude to that time clearing stepmum’s head as to future arrangements.

PS has it been said that the stepmom is going on holiday? I’ve just seen it said she’s going to London, that may be for à friend’s funeral or to visit a new grandchild, say.

And yes to downsizing - mum and dad have a time or a stage of Parkinson’s (whichever comes first) as to when to downsize to move to a retirement community/assisted living place so they can do that bit themselves

I would second this. My disabled relative liked their carers (one in particular, but happy with them all) and watching the - I can only call it loving - way they cared for them was genuinely moving to see.

They were employed directly iirc and a couple stayed for several years. They really became part of the family.

My comment is based on more than 30 years of looking after a son with complex multiple difficulties. He’s been at home all of his life though I have had help these last few years and nothing has been provided by the state.

My comment is based on knowing the other side of many of the arguments we see trotted out here and knowing that many of them are self indulgent nonsense.

The op has a father who’s unwell. Of course she can visit for a few nights every so often to look after him and give her stepmum some respite.

@PollyThePixie I'm sure you do a wonderful job looking after your son but this is really offensive.

My comment is based on knowing the other side of many of the arguments we see trotted out here and knowing that many of them are self indulgent nonsense.

The op has a father who’s unwell. Of course she can visit for a few nights every so often to look after him and give her stepmum some respite.

It's not self indulgent not to have the time, house space or capacity to not be able to provide respite care. She's a mother of two who works full time. Like your son needs you, her children need her.

She is not in a position to provide care to a frail elderly man who can't manage stairs without a downstairs toilet.

Her father can afford care. He just doesn't want it. Well tough.