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Elderly parents
Original poster

Step mum has asked if DF with Parkinson's can stay with me

177 replies

BlueRaspberry7 · 14/08/2023 11:23

My dad and his wife moved a couple of hours away from where I and rest of his family live, to have the lifestyle and big house that they wanted.

Dad has since developed Parkinson's which is now declining and he has started having regular falls. Step mum feels he can't be left alone any more.

She has asked if he can come and stay with me "for a few days every now and then" as she wants a few days off.

My situation is I work full time and have two children and we're live in a 3-bed house. She's asked whether my children can bunk up when he stays. I'm already feeling stretched with demanding work and family life as is.

I now feel very guilty and ashamed for not wanting to regularly welcome DF in our home, but I know it won't with around my family.

I've asked if they can get some assistance at home, but he apparently isn't ready for this.

Please can anyone help me with experiences, thoughts... I'm feeling so confused and guilty.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 14/08/2023 13:51

TeapotCollection · 14/08/2023 13:13

I hate to say this, but if he came to stay “for a few days” I can’t help thinking she’ll come up with a list of reasons as to why he needs to “stay with you for a bit longer”

This doesn’t work for you, just tell her no

That's my thinking too. By all means the OP could go to the house from time to time - but I wouldn't be going every weekend. Maybe every 3 months or so for the weekend so that SM can get away for a proper break. As others have said, what is really required is to get SS involved to do assessments etc - and proper respite for your SM

Wisenotboring · 14/08/2023 13:52

OP, I'm so sorry that your dad is in the situation. Parkinsons is horrible. While you could make some adjustments to have him with you for a few days, I don't think that is a sustainable strategy for support. I think it is a little unfair you are being asked, although potentially understandable if your step-mum is at the end of her tether. As you have said, you can go and visit more frequently and enjoy some quality time with your dad while she can have a break.
The difficult thing is that all involved parties probably need to sit down and have an honest conversation about what he needs, what support is required and where that can come from. You might need to consider drastic measures like moving house. Sadly Parkinsons gets worse and so you would be wise to get proper, sustainable help initiated now. That is the best way to keep your dad well cared for. Short residential visits to you in your circumstances are just not going to work and in my opinion it would be foolish to start down that dead end.
These conversations are never easy but I wish you the best.

cptartapp · 14/08/2023 13:54

Regardless of her request, surely as your dad with your best interests at heart, he would not allow you to do this bearing in mind the indefinite impact on you and sacrifices it would involve?! So it's probably a non starter anyway.
Big house and lifestyle you say? Maybe they consider downsizing and spending some of that money on 24/7 paid care every now and then to give her the respite she wants. That would be the unselfish and more practical thing to do.
This 'family is everything' thing works both ways.

Kweeky · 14/08/2023 14:06

Is it just Parkinson’s - even with dementia my relative wasn’t falling much. If she’s not able to leave him that seems well advanced.
So no don’t hVe him to stay.

My relative was leaving doors open at night and wandering the streets. And still didn’t fall much -might have been helped by the medication.

MentholLoad · 14/08/2023 14:13

Kweeky · 14/08/2023 14:06

Is it just Parkinson’s - even with dementia my relative wasn’t falling much. If she’s not able to leave him that seems well advanced.
So no don’t hVe him to stay.

My relative was leaving doors open at night and wandering the streets. And still didn’t fall much -might have been helped by the medication.

mobility issues are definitely part of Parkinson's...'The Shuffle' is pretty indicative of Parkinson's and falls are hard to prevent

Cosycatz · 14/08/2023 14:18

MentholLoad · 14/08/2023 14:13

mobility issues are definitely part of Parkinson's...'The Shuffle' is pretty indicative of Parkinson's and falls are hard to prevent

Show quote history

One day my DH was helping MIL out of the car after an A+E visit for a broken bone when she fell back over and cut her head and had to head back to A+E for stitches. I cannot count the amount of falls and broken bones and stitches MIL has had. That doesn’t take into account her regular medical and other appointments there is a significant falls risk with Parkinson’s as it progresses for some suffers from the dyskinesia. This is particularly risky in new environments.

MentholLoad · 14/08/2023 14:31

Cosycatz · 14/08/2023 14:18

One day my DH was helping MIL out of the car after an A+E visit for a broken bone when she fell back over and cut her head and had to head back to A+E for stitches. I cannot count the amount of falls and broken bones and stitches MIL has had. That doesn’t take into account her regular medical and other appointments there is a significant falls risk with Parkinson’s as it progresses for some suffers from the dyskinesia. This is particularly risky in new environments.

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💐

yep, the care home we use said falls are really common for new residents, because it's unfamiliar

Original poster
BlueRaspberry7 · 14/08/2023 15:02

This is her original message - it reads to my like a cry for help. Thanks for all your advice. I'm going to try and arrange to go and talk it all through with them both in person:

Hi xxxDad had another nasty fall last week (tripped over the hoover) and has hurt his back. He’s ok but I don’t believe he can safely be left alone due to his increased lack of awareness on all counts. I’m trying to arrange a few days in London and I wondered what your position would be regarding Dad coming to you for a fews days every now and then. You mentioned before about lack of room and no downstairs toilet, so I presume the girls can’t bunk up together…? Perhaps you could get back to me and let me know your thoughts. Meanwhile, I hope everyone is well and still enjoying the school holidays, despite the rain! Xx

OP posts:
Flossflower · 14/08/2023 15:05

OP you sound as though you already have your hands full. Really your own children should always come first! My Aunt had Parkinson’s and by your description it definitely sounds as though he needs carers NOW. My Aunt was very obstinate. She lived on her own. She had 2 falls. When she had the first one she was not more advanced than your father is now. She went into hospital and they wouldn’t let her out until she had a care package in place. After the 2nd fall they would only discharge her to a home.

Tiddlywinks63 · 14/08/2023 15:06

Reading that OP I would offer to go to theirs so she can go to London. It would be very unwise to move him to your house unless you have a downstairs bedroom and toilet.

Lancelottie · 14/08/2023 15:12

That's a very gently phrased message from your stepmum. I think going to them, and viewing the situation clearly, might be the best way forward. If she's been coping for a while she may not be able to see how great his needs are.

Original poster
BlueRaspberry7 · 14/08/2023 15:20

I should add that DF did stay with me recently for the weekend. It was however a weekend when my husband had taken the kids away which made accommodating him much more doable.

OP posts:
MrsGalloway · 14/08/2023 15:26

I think I’d reply and say you’d be happy to come and stay so she can have a few days in London but having him to stay at your house wouldn’t be possible, you’d be concerned about safety in an unfamiliar environment with no downstairs loo (although you might not want to get into justifying it if you think she might keep suggesting work arounds)

I’d also say something along the lines of I’m worried about both of you, distance, my children and work mean I’m not able to help consistently and I think you need more than a few days every now and then, suggest you go and see them and you all have a chat.

Merapi · 14/08/2023 15:29

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 14/08/2023 11:30

If it was my Dad or Mum..I'd definitely have them with me and work out the children.
My parents died age 62 ( suddenly heart attack) .. I'd have done anything for them.. and my daughters are the same with me.. family is everything to us and always come first..

That's easy to say, but not so easy to put into practice when you have a small house and a full-time job.

MentholLoad · 14/08/2023 15:50

Merapi · 14/08/2023 15:29

That's easy to say, but not so easy to put into practice when you have a small house and a full-time job.

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I agree. I used to feel the same as Tinkerbell's, but having helped my dad care for my mum, not only is it not realistic/practical, it's often not in the parents best interest. As difficult and heartbreaking as it , external care is often best

MrsGalloway · 14/08/2023 16:02

BlueRaspberry7 · 14/08/2023 15:20

I should add that DF did stay with me recently for the weekend. It was however a weekend when my husband had taken the kids away which made accommodating him much more doable.

I can see that will make you feel that you should agree to do it again but I’d still say no. I think your Dad’s wife is probably really struggling and quite desperate but you having him to stay for a few days isn’t going to resolve the fundamental issue. There is a higher chance of him falling or hallucinating at your house. If your Dad is anything like mine he won’t deal well with a change of environment.

My mum had some counselling support when my Dad was first diagnosed (on the NHS) and the person she spoke to really bluntly said get professional care in place now. We were shocked at the time because we thought it was too soon but - one crisis later- turns out we should have listened.

I’d try and get to the bottom of what support both of them have been offered. He may have a dedicated Parkinson’s nurse (some are amazing and some are not ime). You are not a professional carer and you can’t fill the gaps.

SheilaFentiman · 14/08/2023 16:09

My dad - dementia not Parkinson’s - went to a local care home for a week’s respite after a few falls. It was also a good way of checking them out for permanent care.

Wisenotboring · 14/08/2023 16:13

Merapi · 14/08/2023 15:29

That's easy to say, but not so easy to put into practice when you have a small house and a full-time job.

Show quote history

Putting family first can involve difficult decisions. Putting into place unsustainable and unsuitable care isn't the most loving thing you can do. It's very sad, but unfortunately it's true.

Cosycatz · 14/08/2023 16:16

I think I’d be replying with something like:

That sounds very difficult for you both. Unfortunately my house is not suitable for visits with the current situation re Dad’s fall risk and between my work and children logistics. I don’t want to create expectations for you that we won’t be able to meet.

I can cover two days day 1 and day 2 for your London trip up at yours but I’d have to be back by xx on day 3. Is it time for you to consider looking at support agencies coming into your house for Dad because you will need to have regular breaks managing all of that and obviously with work I won’t have the days off to cover the respite you will need?

For you @BlueRaspberry7 it is important to remember that as adults this is their responsibility to sort out try not to take too much of it onto yourself because expectations become the norm very quickly. It is also very much a marathon not a sprint. This will continue for many years.

Twuntina · 14/08/2023 16:18

I'd also be saying no to this. Also (cynically) think she is trying to offload him now life isn't so much fun with him. Harsh, but that is how it appears.

I'd agree to spend the odd weekend with them in the bigger house. That makes a lot more sense.

SheilaFentiman · 14/08/2023 16:20

Cosycatz · 14/08/2023 16:16

I think I’d be replying with something like:

That sounds very difficult for you both. Unfortunately my house is not suitable for visits with the current situation re Dad’s fall risk and between my work and children logistics. I don’t want to create expectations for you that we won’t be able to meet.

I can cover two days day 1 and day 2 for your London trip up at yours but I’d have to be back by xx on day 3. Is it time for you to consider looking at support agencies coming into your house for Dad because you will need to have regular breaks managing all of that and obviously with work I won’t have the days off to cover the respite you will need?

For you @BlueRaspberry7 it is important to remember that as adults this is their responsibility to sort out try not to take too much of it onto yourself because expectations become the norm very quickly. It is also very much a marathon not a sprint. This will continue for many years.

Good response

SheilaFentiman · 14/08/2023 16:21

Twuntina · 14/08/2023 16:18

I'd also be saying no to this. Also (cynically) think she is trying to offload him now life isn't so much fun with him. Harsh, but that is how it appears.

I'd agree to spend the odd weekend with them in the bigger house. That makes a lot more sense.

That’s very harsh. Being a sole carer is exhausting, and presumably the step mum
is getting on in years herself.

Cosycatz · 14/08/2023 16:22

SheilaFentiman · 14/08/2023 16:09

My dad - dementia not Parkinson’s - went to a local care home for a week’s respite after a few falls. It was also a good way of checking them out for permanent care.

This is a very good point. We make a point of trying out different places for MIL’s respite because it allows us to have proper insight into what longer term care might look like.

Twuntina · 14/08/2023 16:24

Yes, it was a bit harsh and I'm sure she is struggling with it really. I think the message she wrote would have got my back up "does that mean the girls can't bunk up then"? Especially when op has her hands very full already, has a smaller house and has just hosted her dad. I'm not in love with the stepmum based on the thread (but know things can be totally different irl)

jolaylasofia · 14/08/2023 16:26

Entirely up to you. Depends on your relationship with your father etc. I would for my father because he was a lovely man but you are not obligated to just because he is your dad. There is respite care that she can look into if he is not ready for daily carers.

It is a lot to ask you when you have kids and full time job