Step mum has asked if DF with Parkinson's can stay with me

[BlueRaspberry7]

My dad and his wife moved a couple of hours away from where I and rest of his family live, to have the lifestyle and big house that they wanted.

Dad has since developed Parkinson's which is now declining and he has started having regular falls. Step mum feels he can't be left alone any more.

She has asked if he can come and stay with me "for a few days every now and then" as she wants a few days off.

My situation is I work full time and have two children and we're live in a 3-bed house. She's asked whether my children can bunk up when he stays. I'm already feeling stretched with demanding work and family life as is.

I now feel very guilty and ashamed for not wanting to regularly welcome DF in our home, but I know it won't with around my family.

I've asked if they can get some assistance at home, but he apparently isn't ready for this.

Please can anyone help me with experiences, thoughts... I'm feeling so confused and guilty.

I do not think him coming to you is the right thing

they need to get the ball rolling with carers. Do NOT feel guilty about this. You are allowed your own life too.
speaking from experience, running round like an idiot destroys relationships

I would make the time and go there to give your SM the respite she needs. Plus it will be good for you to spend time together before he deteriorates any further.

FWIW, I think him coming to you isn't a good idea, as if he has cognitive issues, the change of location might confuse and distress him - plus would he be up to such a journey from his house to yours?
And there is always the danger that if you do it once, it may become so 'regular' he ends up almost living with you and you becoming his carer.
It's a tricky one, OP, as I get he is your father but as others say, you still have your life and your family to look after.

Imo she made vows of in sickness and I health.. Send he links to outside help like her local council... Your dc should not be bunking up and you should not be caring for an adult with medical needs when you work and have a family..

I think you're absolutely right not to agree to having him to stay regularly and in all ways your family must come first
What you can do is organise an adult services OT assessment
They will come to the home and arrange installation of any aids to help with daily living
eg mobility equipment, kitchen aids even a walk in shower if necessary
Ultimately they need to accept that DF condition will and is declining and although they do not want carers they do need them

Could your father go to a day centre sometimes for Parkinson's sufferers?

I have a family member with fairly advanced Parkinson's . He is very dependent on his wife and wakes her frequently at night so that she is exhausted during the day. He goes to the local day centre once a week and loves it. It gives his wife some respite and allows her to do the shopping etc.

They have a lot of family support, but he normally only visits his children at their homes for a few hours at a time. Much more than that is too difficult for all parties concerned.

I wouldn't have him at yours as it just doesn't sound particularly practical or feasible. I would however, agree to going to theirs every weekend/every other weekend/whatever works for you. You'll be able to spend some time with your dad, your SM can have some respite and you'll be in a better position to assess his needs going forward.

I hate to say this, but if he came to stay “for a few days” I can’t help thinking she’ll come up with a list of reasons as to why he needs to “stay with you for a bit longer”

This doesn’t work for you, just tell her no

I’ve just been through this with a parent, Parkinson’s is a horrible disease. I would definitely say no having your Dad to stay in these circumstances. In my experience it will be a disaster. My Dad was particularly prone to night wandering at this stage, especially somewhere unfamiliar. I think would actually be dangerous for him if you agreed to this and you shouldn’t feel guilty at all (easy to say I know).

I think the most you can do is offer to go and stay so your step mum has a bit of a break but I’d really urge her to get professional help as soon as possible, it will be needed at some point.

Another one agreeing that it would not be a good idea to have him at yours and indeed potentially unsafe. If you want to go up and stay for a couple of days to see him then that sounds more sensible. Ultimately though whether he likes it or not it is time to do some serious thinking about the future. As you say they have a big house would it be possible to create a downstairs bedroom for them? Maybe time for them to invest in an electrically adjustable bed to make it easier for him to get in and out. What about a downstairs bathroom/wet room ?

1. He's unwell enough that she needs respite
2. He's not yet unwell enough for her to get carers in

1+ 2 can't both be true. Hold your ground.

I have helped my dad care for my mum through dementia. it is very very difficult and your step mum needs some respite. would you take annual leave to look after him, now and again? if you can't do that then speak to the council about a care home for respite stays. or if your step mum is planning on going elsewhere then she can get carers to come to the house

yes it really can be true. in term of the person who needs the care will be resisted to outside help/the main carer feels too guilty/proud. it's a very difficult time

Your stepmother definitely needs time off, but that doesn't mean your house is the right solution. They need to start getting used to care before it becomes a crisis. These things can take ages to set up and local care can be thin on the ground. We found it difficult to get any local care company interested initially, but once on their books it was easier to ask them to do extra hours once needed.

Parkinsons is progressive, and you (plural) could find yourselves always a stage behind what is needed next. We did.

Does he have a consultant? Has he had an OT assessment to see what could be done to modify the house, or a care needs assessment?

My Dad who I am very close to has Parkinson’s (thankfully not declining as much as yours left) and mum and I are very clear it needs to be carers.

she needs to bring carers in he is clearly at the stage he needs it coming to yiu is not an option and will just make things worse

yes I agree that - but if she needs a break, then he needs carers, and she needs to enforce them. I've been there with my Dad, it isn't easy but it has to be done.

Completely terrible ideato have him to yours if he is as you describe. Perhaps the fact that she is even suggesting it means your dSM is getting more desperate than she wants to let on (or express in your DF's hearing)

Your SM needs to be firm with your DF that she needs help and therefore she is sourcing proper support at their home for her, because she loves him and does not want to start getting cross with him.

IME elderly relatives always seek help/make changes a couple of years too late. Help your SM to act to keep the show on the road now, before the wheels come off.

One of my relatives actually areanged to go and spend a night regularly in a friend's holiday annexe, one night a week, with overnight carers looking after disabled spouse. It might have looked like an extrvagance from outside, but it was absolutely sanity saving (if only because they could catch up on their sleep)

Also completely agree

It's time to engage with professional care. Parkinson's sufferers deteriorate, but they can live with it for many, many years

the difficulty I think is that OP isn't 'in charge' of the situation. she isn't main carer/providing any care so it's not her decision to use external respite options. she can only suggest/encourage but ultimately it is step mum's decision. I was in a similar situation albeit much more involved. it took years of persuasion and actually needed a crisis for them to accept respite

@BlueRaspberry7 can I just add that you have my very sincere sympathies. It is a cruel and brutal disease.

Would they consider moving back to be closer to you before your father deteriorates further? That would make it easier for you and other family members to spend weekends with your dad by taking out the travel time.

Agree with this. My parents found it really hard to accept they needed help and there was a very understandable level of denial with the family trying to step in but without the skills or knowledge of how to manage someone with this condition.

What happened in the end was they tried go away for a couple of days (to somewhere he’d been before) and Dad couldn’t cope at all with the change of environment. I won’t go into details but it prompted a serious and dark hallucination and ended up with police and paramedics attending, it was just awful. Really hold your ground on this, you don’t want to put your Dad or your family in that situation.

He sounds as though needs are very high.
Neither you, nor his wife, have capacity to care for him. It would be very difficult to care for him full time - I understand why she wants a break!
It is time to have professional carers and respite.

Why not instead offer to go to stay at their house for a long weekend every 10-12 weeks and she could go and get a weekend break away for your dDad. It must be hard for her if she can never leave him. That would be less inconvenient for you than having to try to fit your dDad into your home. Plus your dDad may prefer to be in his own home. See what she says.

This is exactly what my first thought was.
He would be far better staying in his own home with either you visiting regularly (once every 3 or 4 weeks possibly) and/or paid carers coming in. I would see what their local Parkinson’s Society and Carers Centre can offer too.