Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Shirts not short

UPDATE
The hospital bed has arrived. I've made it up and put her in it! Hopefully she will get a few hours sleep.

@MereDintofPandiculation

She did not look impressed!! How do cats manage to do that?!

She was placated with cat-acceptable food in the form of tuna!! 😀

Mere "You knew you were going to get better, though"

actually, I didn't know, we had to watch out for signs of paralysis setting in for weeks. I still find it hard to talk about. I posted a lot on here about advance directives after the accident.

I thought I'd stopped having nightmares about it but had one in March, I think.

ironically, I'd think the fact you might not know if you will get better will mean more forward planning and more gratitude. I think the more pertinent point is maybe I've never cared about stuff like that? I have known people who genuinely got angry with husbands etc for things like crumbs in the butter, stacking the dishwasher "wrong". I can't really fathom being angry about that.

mum will get better in the care home I think, because the daily chores and the big house wear her out.

Oh right, so safety rails etc?

No rails but it can be lowered down so she can get in and out herself. She would never normally go to bed this early but I persuaded her to just this once. They also brought a proper pressure cushion for her chair so hope that will make a difference. Sis is back from holiday tomorrow and promised me the weekend off 😉

Mere on cognitive decline, none that I can see. I just haven't cooked for her before so I guess I didn't know.

June she complains about many things I sort out so no, I don't think so.

I reached a big milestone birthday in Spring and really struggled with it. I'm better now I've made peace with it and also I decided to do something I have wanted to do for over a decade.
I am now the proud keeper of 4 chickens and they bring me such joy.
When I have had a busy day at work and running around after my dad, I go and say hi to the girls who are always happy to see me and their funny antics make life easier, and hopefully we will soon be getting some eggs too!
Sometimes you have to be kind yourself

@4catsaremylife we used to have chickens at work - each one had their own personality, they were so funny x

Ah ... My Victoria sponge-eating cat does not like tuna. She would probably have loved the digestive biscuits! Not sure about the others - did you say Rich Tea? There's a misnomer. only exceeded by Nice.

They do!!! I can't believe how different they are, I'm now convinced Chicken Run was a documentary 😂

Sorry, @EmmaEmerald

@EmmaEmerald I don't see your posts as triggering in the normal sense - more that they "trigger" a deep sense of sympathy. They are a reminder of how far I have come and where I could still be.

My father's nursing home had ducklings for a visit, for about a fortnight, I think.

My father was the only one to ask whether they were going to eat them.

Mere don't worry, it's all good.

loving the animal stories.

@Nodancingshoes good news on the bed and hope the sleep was restful and long. We had to buy new bedlinen when MiL was home with hospital bed - she finally tried a duvet😁 and we bought old fashioned brushed cotton sheets - they seemed comforting somehow.

Neighbours cats always used to visit MiL, she had cats and dogs of her own much of her life, so was very happy when the neighbours car snuck in to sleep on a chair. I like the idea of animals visiting care homes - ducks is a new one👍.

I like the idea of animals visiting care homes - ducks is a new one👍 They had llamas before that. They’re now considering how to have a resident duck.

Barely slept, sort of dreading the future.

so far, every time I have prepared in advance, I have been right. So now wondering, while mum is away, should I just empty "my" room at her place? She thinks overnight carers are easy to find and will sleep in the spare room. But they can't. It's a lumpy old bed and a room full of junk. That can't be acceptable working conditions?

MILs care home has a couple of resident cats

Another one who barely slept last night.

I can't remember when I last updated but dad is still in hospital (day 22). I had an unplanned visit yesterday and they were just putting him on IV fluids (systolic at 66). I don't think he even knew I was there. His consultant is due to phone me today.

I'm away for the weekend (not sure how I'll relax) but my sister flies in today and my cousin tomorrow so visiting is covered as my DC & mum will go too.

I think that's a really good idea Emerald. You will never be given permission to step back. You just have to do it.

Yes, I had bad news today in that the two friends who thought she should stay in the care hime have u turned after seeing how much she wants to come home.

A friend was telling me to contact Social Services about my own condition but I'm not sure if that's a good idea, or even how I go about it.

It's not the friends that get pulled into looking after her though, is it? I'm starting to think it's not too much of a surprise that you think that what everyone else wants is more important than what you want. Were you brought up to look after everyone else's needs before your own?
It took therapy to help me see that I had been conditioned this way, so I'm not criticising, but offering a different perspective and a hand hold.
I just really want to say that it is possible to decline to look after your mother. Depending on how you feel, you can offer to find assistance for her or you can say it's simply no longer possible as it's negatively impacting your health. She could stay in the home and you could visit (or not, depending on how much pressure and negativity she piles upon you)

Just because in she has decided in her own mind that you moved in order to do everything for her, doesn't mean that she's right or that you have to!

I get the impression that your mother has always been difficult and that none of this is a surprise to you. Apologies if I'm wrong. I highly recommend looking at the Elderly Parents board on the Out Of The Fog forum to find other people dealing with similar. I found it enormously helpful.

The stately homes thread in our own MN relationships board is also really worth a look.

SunshineGlamourIfOnly Love the username!

The friends thing was disappointing because last week they were in favour of her staying there so I thought there'd be back up from them.

No, mum was never a pain till dad died about five years ago. it is a surprise to me. Well, it's a shock really.

I was never raised to expect to care, they always said to just put them in a home when the time came. I'm childfree, very lucky to have only one other member of extended family in this country, never had grandparents, never did any of this. I'm good at caring in a way, helped friends and parents after surgery etc but I feel as if she wants me to be her PA on 12 hour shifts.

The stately homes thread is not remotely my situation. I was lucky to have good parents generally, though dad wasn't the sort I'd choose as a friend. Bit..gruff.? Mum and I were always more cosy.

I'm not well enough to "find assistance" for her and even when we were discussing it before my breakdown, she wanted completely different things than I did. So as she has full mental capacity, she can decide what she wants and organise it. I don't want a bunch of home carers having my number etc. one care home who are set up to deal with problems far better than one carer can.

I have now emailed her doctor, I know she's spoken with him a few times this week but I bet my bottom dollar she's not told him I had a breakdown.

Emma, do you think she's even accepted that you had a breakdown?
Or has she perhaps put that to the back of her mind, or even deleted it from her memory?