Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Also, you're 100% right to want to avoid sorting out a never-ending series of carers.
That would just be a disaster for your mental health.

Not sure, I think she's in denial about it. I could write an essay but I won't. She has emailed today but from the tone of her email, she doesn't realise I am worried about me, not her.

Re the carers, it would be them, plus cleaner plus odd jobs eg garden.

Plus a few things need to be sorted in the house - things I offered to do ages ago. I now have no intention of organising them. If she wants to go home she will have to sort them out herself.

My sister went today, she explained that she will be doing next to nothing in future.
I will do finance, accompany to hospital, and things like online shopping.

She said mum didn't show any sign of taking it in, just kept repeating "don't worry about it now". My sister actually took a list of the problems we've faced due to mum's last-minuting everything and left it on the table.

It might be that we get a reprieve if she realises that she has to run her own life now. Also, I must remind her, that house is bloody freezing in winter.

I was going for a social visit on Sunday but I don't feel like socialising so will just drop off a couple of bits I promised to drop off.

btw what happens about post if someone is permanently in a care home? I know she won't like bank statements etc going there, but do care homes accept post anyway?

Care homes accept post, it is the resident's home after all. Mum's medical letters went there but all the financial stuff came to me once I'd used power of attorney.

Mum would have sworn on a stack of bibles that she had no help and did everything for herself and that made me feel invisible and worthless. With hindsight it meant that I was really good at what I did but I'm not sure that having that realisation at the time would have made things any easier for me.

Yes, you just get post sent to the care home - it becomes the person's home address. Bit like a student hall of residence?

Obviously if someone has POA usually financial stuff then gets sent to them direct.

I haven’t been on the thread for a bit, but I absolutely think you should clear the room. It visually reinforces your position.

If your mum thinks overnight carers are easy to find, she can find one. Can you get her a simple PAYG mobile if that’s a true barrier to her making her own calls?

Hello everyone. I'm really sorry to interrupt but I'm at my wit's end and I think you will all understand my problem. Just this one q then I'll shut up again as it's clear that others have more pressing problems!

My mum will be 90 very soon. I have no idea what to get her! The problems: she lives independently with my (useless) brother and is his carer, plus 2 dogs which have no boundaries. The house is a midden, the dogs are everywhere, and my mother's self hygiene is v poor (long story). She's pretty deaf and has recently lost a lot of her vision so cannot read. She no longer drives and I think holidays are a thing of the past. She is no epicure nor sybarite!!

So, nothing even remotely techy as she refused to learn how to use her iPad when she could still see, and I'm not there to set things up. She can't see to read, knit, do puzzles. The dogs will doubtless wreck/soil/cover in hairs any fabric item.

My sister has bought her some expensive jewellery --

Initial thoughts such as really nice towels, or one of those techy photo frames loaded with pictures, are out for reasons above. Toiletries - no point. Clothes -wouldnt know where to begin. I was going to get her a beautiful heavy velvet throw (soooo tactile!) Then I remembered the dogs. I am taking her for a walk (with an alpaca!! Shh, it's a surprise!) And a meal.

Any ideas?

Flowers?

That’d be a lovely theing to have. My father’s has just got a robo cat

btw what happens about post if someone is permanently in a care home? I know she won't like bank statements etc going there, but do care homes accept post anyway? my father’s home accepts all post, filters out official stuff and forawrds it to me

Yes, with the alpcac walk you only need a token gify.

That's honestly the only other thing I can think of but looks a bit mean next to my sister's sapphire ring! My daughter said "it's not a competition, is it?" but actually it does feel like one!

@EmmaEmerald please speak to social services and tell them that there has been a breakdown in family care and they will need to support your m.
incredibly difficult near neighbour lives alone with significant care input and gas repairs/ garden/ maintenance sorted after her dd who lives v close by completely stepped away. Spectacularly good reason for dds actions, but it can be done.
look after yourself.

Thanks for info re care homes and post, I hope she's still allowed to have it to sent to the house though? It's just a theoretical question atm as I don't think for a minute she will agree.

Knot I know the feeling and I'm sorry.

Sheila she's very adamant that she'd never have an overnight carer but I think it's inevitable. I asked to sort out the spare room years ago. She said no.

Obviously I have completely run out of sympathy and whether or not that sympathy will return, I don't know. I was saying to my sister, if she had just agreed to the prep I wanted to do for years, we wouldn't be in this position.

Well, I emailed the doc yesterday and I think it goes from there but not sure.

I wouldn't mind doing stuff that you've mentioned. I don't want to deal with the casual staff she wants to have but actually if social services speak to her, I think that will help. Whether or not they'll do it, I don't know. I think being self funding takes us out of the range of anything really.

Actually Social Services were providing two carer visits per day, so their assessment of her needs will be the same tbh.

Mauvish your 90 year old mother is your brother's carer?

@mauvish my mum has poor eyesight too. She likes flowers so for her 80th I got her a nice glass vase with lots of swirly colours in it. Seemed to go down ok, she has it on her window ledge so the light comes through it and she can see the colours.

@EmmaEmerald it sounds like you and your sister are singing from the same hymn sheet to your mum so all you can do for the moment is keep stating what you will do while clearing that room!

I have a question of my own to check I’m not actually on the bad daughter bench for real. Mums GP keeps inviting her for a blood sugar test as it’s previously been on the high side of normal. Any appointment means arranging work so I can wfh at her house and a 200 mile round trip, and the wrangling to get her out of bed, dressed, in the car etc. I do it willingly for most things but on this one, I tend to think - what will it achieve? She weighs 7 and a half stone and lives on biscuits and lucozade, despite the carers best efforts to get her to eat something more nutritious. Even if her blood sugar is too high, so what? We can’t get her to avoid high sugar food and drink as it’s the main source of her calories. She spends most of the day in bed, her quality of life isn’t great and with a dementia diagnosis is never going to get better. I don’t want my mums last years being dragged to multiple medical appointments if they aren’t improving her quality of life.

am I missing something that actually is important? Prolonging her life as long as possible isn’t the aim of DB and I - we accept we’re all mortal and just want her to be safe, comfortable and have as much dignity as we can manage.

funnel that sounds mad to me. High side of normal isn't even high.
Last time mum stayed in hospital, they were obsessed with her blood sugar. It's normal level and she is underweight. But then they took it an hour after she ate a banana and came in to say "we must keep an eye on this". When I pointed out she'd had a banana, they at least looked embarrassed.

I find many of mum's medical appointments to be utterly pointless. The fracture clinic, which we thought was very necessary indeed, took a total of four hours of her energy and was inconclusive. I'm not having a go, I realise fractures can be complex. But I wouldn't put anyone through any hassle for a blood sugar test when it's not a problematic figure anyway.

I think this might be one of the current NHS targets, obsession with blood sugar?

@funnelfan I think I'd ask the GP if they can come to the house to take bloods if they think it necessary. They might decide it isn't quite so important.
I do have some sympathy with GPs as for everyone like yourself they probably see someone else who would be howling mmalpractices neglect if everything isn't thrown at a demented, blind, deaf and bed-ridden parent in unmanageable pain just to keep them going an extra week or two.

How do you step away from all the demands and constant phone calls? I am completely done
I should find it easy as I'm on the stately home thread too but the guilt and emotional blackmail is relentless

@emmaemerald, I know exactly what you mean about running out of sympathy, I am close to that point. My mum has coped for a long time but things are beginning to fall apart and if she listened, even occasionally, to suggestions from me and my sis, we could avoid some issues. But no. And I've more or less given up. She has capacity so it's up to her.

Yes, she is effectively my bros carer. He is autistic. He could actually do one f* of a lot more in the house and in his life but she has infantilised and institutionalised him. Now we have the extra concern of what on earth he's going to do once she can no longer fulfil what she sees as her maternal role towards him (strangely she didn't feel the same towards me!!) How do you learn to look after yourself when you're 60 and have never even put your own clothes in the wash, or cooked fresh food, or paid a household bill? He is vulnerable by means of his autism (been financially abused by scammers and "friends" in the past)? And she simply won't give him even the gentlest of pushes to start helping her so that he can learn. Of course he is able bodied and so when she broke her wrist earlier this year, she was sent home from hosp with wires on and no support as she told them that her son lived with her ---

Happy families, eh?

@mauvish has your mother asked you to step in once she's dead, and look after him?

@Mauvish - I understand why a lovely tactile velvet throw would be out of the question (I would love one but with dogs I know it's not an option). But what about a photo blanket? They are not expensive, you can put really big photos on them so she should be able to see and they feel really nice. And can go in the washing machine/tumble dryer with no issues. Also what about a pair of cashmere wrist warmers? Warmth and luxury but not posh clothes that the dogs would ruin/she has nowhere to wear.

@InternallyScreaming I have no idea. I was run ragged caring for my mum and I only got any relief when the crisis came and she went into hospital to be assessed for a possible stroke. At that point we said that we would no longer be providing personal care and while she was there waiting for an increased care package it became apparent that she needed more care than four visits and a daughter on call 24/7.

@Knotaknitter what you have said has really resonated with me. Everything I did was "just a little bit of help now and then" and she could manage fine without me. Like you I felt worthless and unseen but what you have said has made me see things differently. Thank you.

Pre - broken-wrist, I told her off pretty sharply once last year for climbing on a stepladder to change a lightbulb! Her reasoning -bro wouldn't know how to! Well neither do any of us until we're taught.

And I don't really blame him. If I'd been waited on for 50+ years and never asked to lift a finger, I probably wouldn't realise what needs doing either.

My mother has an Olympic gold in stubbornness though.

@theshellbeach, no, discussions have started about some sort of supported living environment for my brother. He admits to being pretty scared about the concept of having to look after himself. I live 5 hours drive away so can't do a lot, and my sister, who lives locally to ma and bro, can't be expected to do more than she does (which I know she feels is more than her fair share, and she's right, but geography dictates that).