Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

FIL must have had the same advisor. According to his mates social services should have provided 24 live in care for MIL despite them living in a 4 room bungalow and needing separate bedrooms. This poor live in carer was apparently meant to sleep in the tiny living room that you needed to go through to access the kitchen and had only minimal furniture to leave room to move MILs wheelchair around. Funnily enough it never happened.

@Juneday @MereDintofPandiculation social services should and do exist for every U.K. citizen…. Isn’t that in effect what I was saying?

Yes exactly … sorry just confirming my view although sometimes hard to speak to the people you need in my experience - I think we had 3 different names of case worker before a helpful and proper response.

Juneday "Also likely already know that everyone is entitled to £1000 worth of equipment in the home"

Is that dependent on boroughs?

After mum's stroke, we got a railing by the front door, a shower rail, and a frame to put around the toilet.

I don't know if the zimmer frames from hospital count in that £1000.

I think she needed a bed rail type thing and now I think she needs a commode. Should we speak to the council?

Nothing to loose, or ask Local Help the Aged or Citizens Advice first maybe.

@emma contact the ot for an assessment of needs.

Gosh. What could possibly go wrong?

😮🤔 I know. Spoke to my father today who said don’t worry your mother means if I go first 🤔.

Worryingly he also said my mother can barely walk atm, and had a small fall. Sensibly they are looking at falls alarms for her. My father can be a bit of a drama Queen and she was yelling, ‘I am not that bad’ in the background 🤣. but my mother is the type that avoids doctors and won’t have a walking stick. She fractured her shoulder last year and has an on going foot and/or dizziness problem that has been investigated but nothing concluded. Every time we think she has found good advice she decides they are wrong. She refuses to give in or complain and still cooks really good food every night - very different outlook and life to MiL and as yet no dementia🤞. Although I see little warning signs that I will keep an eye on. 🙁

Tearful and breathless phone call at work this morning from nan. She fell but had got up and wasn't hurt, just shaken up. She wanted me to come over but I cannot leave work this morning- I work with children anc cannot break ratio. The carer was due in so I rang her - she reported back that nan was fine and sleeping on and off. I popped in on my lunch break and she was hysterical when I went to leave...I'm at my wits end. I feel like I can't go on with this 😭 I told her my BIL would be in at teatime but she just wants me to stay. I just had to go in the end.

@Nodancingshoes I have this with my DM - there are other people in the house with her but she behaves in the same way when I go to leave or if I don't visit every couple of days. It's very difficult. I have to harden my heart & just go, but then I feel so guilty, even though I suspect my DM knows how guilty I feel and plays on that.

Nodancingshoes MissMarplesNiece
I wonder if this just happens to some people with age, from the stories I hear. I can certainly understand why falling would leave someone upset and shaken up but people can't drop everything.

Update from here

Went to see mum at weekend, yes that was much earlier than I planned. She was apologetic but determined to go home when respite is over. Said arrangements would have nothing to do with me.

Then yesterday had phone call saying, could I come in with my mobile so we can make calls together, two of which were unnecessary anyway. So of course she is not going to organise care without involving me!

Have since spoken to sister who wants mum to stay in care home. She appreciates that mum is technically well enough to remain in her own home but feels mum will send us mad if she isn't in a care home.

I was surprised. I thought my sister was worried about cost and house sale but it seems not. Sister also wants to step back.

It's just a problem everyone wants to be sorted. I realise the home is horrible for mum in many ways. I was in tears on Saturday thinking I didn't want her to be left there but now my sister wants to step back, I want to step back, so ...not sure what happens next.

Much to my surprise, friends in mum's age group have said to her and me, that it's right for her to be in a care home. I think the frailty is maybe more obvious to others than I realised.

I think my sister is going before I go on Sunday, and will tell mum that her preference is for her to stay. So I imagine there will be a lot of doom and gloom. Atm mum is doing the activities etc but I think that's just to avoid being bored. Though she complains of boredom at home too.

@EmmaEmerald it is good to have others, especially sister agree it is best. It is hard and my DH was most reluctant with his DM. MiL cries when we see her and always says she wants to go home and then we gently remind her she couldn’t cope and the only visitors were the Carers who barely engaged and is who would be busy with shopping and washing. Now we sit and chat. Seriously DH hasn’t spoken to her this much since he was about 12😁. . Now she has a favourite nurse and carer and other residents - including the one she insists is her son in disguise😮. She . Were you able to take favourite photos and painting etc from home
for your mother?

I think there will always be little doubts creeping in. My aunt ‘escaped’ from her home as they hadn’t realised how mobile she was - my mother said try the charity shops and there she was - that was what she missed most, her trips to the local charity shops. 🙁

June I've gone round in a circle. Initially I thought it was best but then I see how awful it can be eg the woman in the room opposite cries loudly all day. The condition some of the residents are in, poor souls.

Then I think if mum would follow instructions, she could stay at home. But when she's even going to want input into what toilet roll I buy, it's such a pain.

In terms of bringing her things, no, it's only a week today since I had my nervous breakdown, if that's what it was. She's meant to be in for four weeks, it would only be if she agreed to a permanent stay that she'd need bits and bobs.

Before mum went into the home, she said "why did you move home to be close to me if you aren't prepared to help?"

I thought help meant help. I didn't think it meant running her life and household, to her ways and to her standards. I thought with the current broken wrist, she'd get domestic help in, but no. If two falls in four days plus a fractured wrist isn't enough to get help in, she will continue to rely on me and neighbours.

In terms of her standards, she will tell you to stir rice soooo carefully in case you break a grain, it's an impressive standard I guess but not one I hold.

So I'm due to visit on Sunday, then taking her to a hospital appt on Wednesday. If she presses to go to the appointment alone, I will agree, as I think maybe going to the hospital alone might make her realise the truth of her frailty.

This is obviously a relationship song but it sums up how I feel about mum atm

@EmmaEmerald
You are absolutely right. If your mum has the money then she MUST use some to get the help she needs - cleaning, meals on wheels etc... After this you would be happy to visit and do bits and pieces for her. It's just not fair to expect family to take on all of the care alone.
For example, my nan wants her hair washed. The carer offers to do this every morning but she always says no because she wants ME to do it. I'm not going to.
I just realised that I've barely spoken to my kids all day today (they are teens so I havnt abandoned them!) I've been at work, then round to nans house and straight on the phone when I got home ABOUT nan. I love her but my kids need to come first.

Nodancingshoes my resentment over the last few weeks has built to the point I don't want to do anything really. I think I started a thread about the frustration of the "can you just..." requests.

I'm still fine to do finance and medical and I don't mind washing her hair. I tuck her into bed when I stay over. I did that every night in the care home after her stroke in November. My goodwill has run out though.

when I had a major injury, I was so grateful to people helping with the chores, I can't fathom saying "you've stacked the dishwasher wrong".

she can afford tons of help but the difference with the care home is a team of people.

PS of course your DC need to come first. I think mum's really struck lucky having two childfree daughters, we'd not have the time we have to help with anything.

@EmmaEmerald I haven't listened to the song but the words really got to me. I find it hard to read your posts because our situations sound so similar. Whereas when we had visitors I would pass around a tin of biscuits she would want me to put them out nicely on a plate. When she had an op on her wrist I remember her standing over me telling how to make a trifle. There was never any justification for cutting corners.

@Nodancingshoes I hear what you are saying about not speaking to your children. I had the same with my teen daughter and husband. The guilt and the feeling you are not meeting the needs of anyone, least of all yourself.

@MereDintofPandiculation I’ve brought ginger nuts.

This reminds me of my auntie quite a few years ago who came to stay for a short holiday. At the time both DH and I were at work so we would call on the phone to check she was okay - one day she asked what could she feed the cat as she kept miaowing. I said there were biscuits in the cupboard that she could feed her and one of us would be home soon.
When I arrived home she had indeed fed the cat - biscuits of the rich tea and digestive variety all crumbled up!!! 😅

@EmmaEmerald is there anyone your dm would listen to? Friend, relative who could explain her choices- carers or care home? You and your sister sound completely burnt out.

And please remember your life and your sisters life are as important as your dms.

She's had three friends tell her the care home is the best option for everyone, including her. They're in their 70s and 80s.

I understand the reasons why it's not the best option from her perspective but can no longer facilitate the arrangements she wants in her home.

there's one friend who might be willing to give it another try. She's very concerned about the practicalities - if it's home carers, they will call us for everything but if she stays in the care home, they will probably let me know if she falls but I will know there's a team there 24/7 and not just one person who has to go home.

hairbrush I'm sorry if this is triggering.

mum is lovely but I hadn't realised we'd end up in territory where my housekeeping wasn't good enough. I'd have expected that from dad but not her.

when I had a major injury, I was so grateful to people helping with the chores, I can't fathom saying "you've stacked the dishwasher wrong". You knew you were going to get better, though. I can remember my mother in tears when the "gardener" pulled a row of plants by mistake.

On the other hand, you say I hadn't realised we'd end up in territory where my housekeeping wasn't good enough. I'd have expected that from dad but not her so maybe she's showing the effects of cognitive decline?

@Rainbow1901 Love that story! How did the cat take it? One of ours loves Victoria sponge.

@EmmaEmerald she is a force and in many ways you have to admire her… but the cost is others. So hard for you, whilst there is clearly decent help available she feels uncomfortble for whatever reason preferring family.

I can’t cope with clearing up when my cat is sick so dealing with soiled bedlinen for MiL was harder for me than doing a bungee jump! But MiL did it for her mother and husband no complaints, she grew up believing caring was women’s work.

I hope your GP is supportive, if there was more joined up thinking with NHS and SS, maybe you would get more support externally. It doesn’t matter how old we are, parents can bring us to tears …. I am sure others have said, but friends and I call it loosing their filter…. The brain goes into self survive almost toddler mode and empathy diminishes
with it. In a bizarre way it is because she trusts you that you get the demands.

I used to have this joke when DH and I both working full time similar jobs, if I didn’t learn to iron his thick cotton shorts, or did an awful
job when I tried, he would just do them himself. But where your mother can’t ‘iron her shirts’ anymore, she trusts you more than anyone to do it for her. She has to learn to trust others now. 🤞🤞🤞