Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Actually, Tuc when we spoke to the accountant at the Social Work Dept of DM's local Council she ruled that setting money aside for funeral was not 'deprivation of assets'. We set aside £4k which was then the average cost of a funeral at that point. We didn't actually buy a funeral plan but put it in a savings account with the name, 'Funeral do not touch'. However, all Councils are not the same. I'd call your Council and ask to speak to the Finance Officer or Finance Admin in the Social Work team responsible for elderly. Then you can follow up with confirmation email so you have paper trail.

@EmmaEmerald it does sound like a stressful situation and I am lucky MiL wanted rid of any money or legal worries, she misread a bank statement and we found her in bed having not eaten all day because of the worry. That was before her fall and dementia diagnosis. She has done some silly things in the past without referencing us as we own half her flat, one that I argued with B Gas about but they wouldn’t back down. The ownership is all legally correct and documented but could be a our worry at some stage, and also a worry when I found the roof was leaking and now the electrics are playing up - thank god she is in a nursing home! we go halves on repairs and luckily a very trustworthy friend came to the rescue.

My worry with the metal is that the surgeons won’t use a GA because of frailty and that because her skin is like wet tissue paper (surgeons description after first op) - her wound will heal them open up and this will be on going now. I have got to know some of MiLs neighbours and one had same surgery, same hospital, last week was going for 3rd corrective Op in 2 years. He is 20 years younger and walking, albeit with a slight limp. 🤞 for him.

We never get to speak to a doctor and don’t have PoA on health so feel a bit out of the loop. Not point asking MiL, she can’t hear and when she can the answers don’t make much sense. But she isn’t complaining of pain which is a relief.

I hope you get to the deli and take what you need for expenses etc. I discovered MiL gave generous petrol money to 2 sons when the visited, she always told us how poor one is, from what we have seen and heard since spending more time with him he can afford the petrol to visit his own mother once in a blue moon! He has more disposable income than she does. Although TBF he gives it to his grandchildren’s savings accounts. My parking fees at hospital over the years have been high so when offered I would take the money to pay on principal that all family should he treated equally.

over the years DH has helped MiL buy things, a new washing machine etc and she told me once that the other sons would notice and one wound then ask her for a loan! She has never been wealthy, far from it. Once DH neice asked MiL to ask him to be a guarantor for her rental, I told MiL under no circumstances. His niece had huge CC debts, and apart from anything else we hadn’t seen her for years. Families🤔

Nans had 2 falls in the 3 days I've been poorly. She's miraculously managed to get up without assistance each time. I'm not sure how cos it's always been Careline and an ambulance before... Shes knocked her leg which is now leaking fluid - this has been a recurrent issue. Nurses won't come to her now as shes not technically housebound anymore so we are waiting for a doctors phonecard. She won't hear a word of it of course. I'm off to do her shopping and then going to mentally prepare myself for my first visit in a week. Wish me luck..

*phonecall

but she said I had to hear important context first. Oh goodness, I so remember context! One of the reasons I insisted on no discussion. Even so, he wrote me reams of detail on each bank account, mostly completely erroneous.

@Myneedycat The more I read this board, the more glad I am to be an only. The “sharing the load” is far outweighed by the hassle, let alone the hurt of the unfairness. Unless you’re lucky enough to be the Golden Daughter.

@EmmaEmerald If nothing else, I’d charge Civil Service subsistence levels for meals and the standard 45p a mile for your car.

Here is an interesting UK factsheet on deprivation of assets. It doesn't say anything on funeral plans, but it does say that there should be no double counting - money shouldn’t be regarded as both interest and savings. So if someone is putting away £5000 a year from income, in any time period (a year?) the £5000 should be disregarded as savings because it’s already been counted as income.

This covers funeral plans specifically

Note the AgeUK link says LAs will not state in advance whether a particular expenditure will be regarded as deprivation of assets.

@MereDintofPandiculation yes, there are obviously still a few Councils dotted up and down the land who are ‘kinder’ than others if you try to read into AgeUK’s guidance. Pretty sure, there will be tightening up across the board. My DFriend in central reports her DM’s Council is in consultation process to withdraw a more generous than most social care provision and fall into line with others.

@MereDintofPandiculation late to catch up and read your news, that must have been difficult, but as you say none of us know what the future might hold and all the more reason to make the most of what we can now.

@EmmaEmerald having another break from visiting sounds like the best plan. It's not really very long since your breakdown and maybe you need a bit lionger to regain your fortitude - you need all your energy for yourself at the moment.

for @Juneday @Nodancingshoes and others facing particulalry difficult times.

Thanks for the advice. Will contact council and undertakers for starters. We don't want to be left paying for 2 funerals if their money runs out (which is possible but not a given).

@Nodancingshoes I hope she gets a visit very soon not just a call - leaking wounds should be priority due to infection … We still have a walk in cottage hospital nearby if all else fails, staffed by nurses and doctors. Needless to say, it is often full!

Thanks @venusandmars

If their money runs out, they'll still be left with, I think someone said £14,000 each (the £23,000 is where the LA will start contributing, it's not an untouchable sum) which is more than the cost of a modest funeral.

If even the £14k is spent, you could go for a direct cremation or a direct burial, which is a lot cheaper, and arrange your own memorial gathering.

We met with the hospice nurse today to discuss mum's wishes about future treatment. The meeting was less harrowing than I expected and much easier. I have had a draft of the document from the nurse and it really hit, reading it all in black and white - she lacks capacity to retain information for even a few minutes. E.g. "This is what we mean by 'X' - do you understand?" "Yes" "Can you tell me what it 'X' means?" She would either reply "Oh dear" or say nothing at all and just stare straight ahead.

Her lunch arrived just as we were leaving. I hadn't realised but she is now on a pureed diet because she struggles with lumps. She loves chocolates and sweets but now even the ability to enjoy those treats has gone. It's no way to live 🙁

So sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Sorry IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere. I know too well the staring into space at a question she can't or doesn't want to answer.

My mum has switched into winter mode, which is basically an even more confused version of her normal state. So far today I've had her unable to hold the phone properly (think it was upside down) and a shouted confused conversation thinking I was coming over to visit (I was there yesterday, I live 100 miles away), her turning off the heating at some point in the last 24 hours, and then going to the neighbours to complain it's not working and them ringing me. That was on top of me wrestling with her local authority over an unpaid care bill and arguing with the customer services person that they are the ones that refuse to send me the invoice even though I hold LPA and pay the bill on mum's behalf! So what do they expect to happen with a demented old lady that does random things with her post?

And breathe...

Got a phone very early this morning from the home to say that Mum had passed away in her sleep.
It's a relief that her ordeal is finally over.

Oh @Funnelfan - how frustrating.

@seanbeanmarryme I'm sorry for your loss.

@seanbeanmarryme
Sorry to hear that and I expect you have mixed emotions.

@MereDintofPandiculation just want to add my best wishes to you and Mr Dint.

i know I don’t contribute much here, but I do lurk a lot. Just add something now & then when I need to let off steam. My two are still sort of in stasis, bumbling on, and I keep waiting for the house of cards to fall.

@seanbeanmarryme I am terribly sorry to hear your sad news.
I think we all understand your feeling of relief that your mother's ordeal is over.

@seanbeanmarryme I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve tried so hard to advocate for her and make things easier. Hope you get time to rest for a little while, you must be so exhausted.

May her memory be a blessing. Now she’s at peace I hope you can find some too.

@seanbeanmarryme so sorry to hear this, no matter how expected it might be it hurts and saddens. Be tender to yourself in the coming days.

sean big hugs to you

Blessings to your mum, now out of the woods, resting in peace.