Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Sorry to hear your new @MereDintofPandiculation and hope pacemaker surgery can be carried out soon as it has good outcomes and would help overall health for your DH. My uncle had both problems that your DH has and managed to keep my aunt busy in the kitchen for a good few years - although his daily fry ups had to be cut back! I had no idea about induction hob issue and pacemakers dh had 24 heart monitor on for tests this week🤞 thinks it is occasional stress related racing heart.

sorry others, so many having tough times. Visited MiL in hospital, they will no be performing any surgery which tbh is what I thought, IV antibiotics and now oral again and will run a bunch of blood tests but should be back in care home on Monday. Antidepressants are helping as she was in quite good spirits although asked again when I am having twins, which made visitor for next patient laugh…. I am not sure she knows where she is and got upset a few times, but much better than she has been. She is tiny though, not an ounce of body fat that I could see. She was a size 16 a few years ago. Nurses were helpful and kind but we don’t really know what the view is … screws ‘falling out’ of an open wound! How, why, are there more that could come loose, will she be on antibiotics for the rest of her days, will she be back visiting orthopeadics as an outpatient?

@Juneday Thanks, that's encouraging! (which is more than you can say for the 5 year survival figures - I probably shouldn't google). I hope your DH is OK. My optimistic story is my DF who had a heart attack at 71, acquired atrial defibrillation as a souvenir and is about to celebrate his 101th birthday.

@seanbeanmarryme

Same with my Mum.

As I can only get across every 2/3 weeks, I notice a change every time I see her.

It is utterly depressing. 🙁

Awful visit with mum this afternoon

The minute I turn up looking vaguely normal, mum decides she can dump her problems on me.

I burst into tears and left. Well, we did talk before I left - she conveniently can't remember a lot of things, but when reminded, she says "how can you still be angry about this now?"

I'm angry because it's legal and financial stuff I've been angry about since 2017, and her and my father's reluctance to deal with it means I will be dealing with it long after she's dead. (They did nothing, against all my advice, and now, as I might have said upthread, a new issue has arisen from their country of origin. I actually even warned them that this shit would come back to haunt me when there were other crises or when I was ill or something).

the original problem could have been dealt with years ago.

She's kept quiet about it for a while because of my breakdown, but it turns out in the interim, she has done literally nothing and has not asked my sister to do anything.

I think it's best not to visit for at least another month. Collected two winter coats, there's some other winter tops there but I didn't want to hang around looking for them.

Truth be told, I am also pissed off with my sister for not dealing with it but she's my only family so I have to not piss her off.

mum did at least say "I can see I am a huge problem for you " and I said "well, you can't help being old and ill but you can do as you're told with this other stuff".

Finally, last week she offered me money because she thought I must need it for bills. I don't, as it happens, but as I left, I told her I'd take whatever was on offer and do what I like with it. Because frankly I feel like compensation is due for dealing with all her nonsense.

thank you for listening.

Emma, I'm sorry you had to endure that.

@EmmaEmerald sounds awful. Sorry you had to deal with it

Thank you for everyone's kind words.
Had Dad on the phone getting upset today as he can't do anything for her. He visited today and she hadn't been eating or drinking, not sure how much longer she can carry on like this.

@EmmaEmerald I know exactly where you are coming from, it's fucking hard
I've had to step right back for a bit

sean I am very sorry but I have seen this go on for quite some time in a few people. It is likely that she is not suffering but for those watching and waiting, it is dreadful. I wish you all the best, it's such a tough time.

Shell &sandwich &Internally

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I really cannot speak about this IRL because people just do not understand.

I suspect my sister will be inclined to suggest a solicitor but a) they often make things worse and b) my mum doesn't understand my simple explanations, so she won't understand a solicitor and may run us into further problems, especially if she gives one authority to act on her behalf.

then again, if she loses money, she loses money, it's not my money.

something else I realised..if I keep crying about this stuff, she'll think I'm not in a fit state to advise anyway....though I was perfectly fine in 2017 when the trouble started.

when I said I was stepping back from mum's care, I said I'd still do finance. Perhaps I should now relinquish that too.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm sorry you both have more medicial complications to deal with - wishing you strength and treats.

@countrygirl99 I'm sorry they have been clumsy about your MiL - common sense should be their first consideration

@Juneday I hope your MiL recovers well - dealing with hospitals and admin makes it all more stressful

@EmmaEmerald thank you for your honesty.
Think you should take a step back for the sake of your own health.

@EmmaEmerald I agree, good to be able to rant here and it sounds frustrating. Just basic financial PoA for MiL takes time and patience and a slight feeling that not being a blood relative I have to be really cautious.

thank you @BinaryDot I think perhaps nursing home overreacted but were not happy at being asked to wait a month to see a specialist about the second piece of metal coming out! Together with infection of course which can lead to really serious worries. DH visited again today and said MiL is so deaf it was impossible to have a two way conversation. She doesn’t know where she is, thinks she has been sent to a new nursing home and other usual confusion - but is not as distressed as we thought she would be which is our main concern. 🤞

sean thank you, I feel bad ranting in the context of yours and others' problems.

I did take a huge step back but it now looks like I should run a mile.

June I have a friend whose leg was pinned together after he was hit by a car. The pins are coming out a few years later, I have said to him to ask the specialist if he's looking at a lifetime of regular ops. Sometimes they just don't tell you stuff, it's mad.

Btw June, it's not admin. My parents outright took on problems that will be left for me and my sister to deal with - legally we will have to take action when mum dies. Dad accused me of being lazy in not wanting to deal with it, as in theory there's potentially money in it.

Since dad died I've tried hard to persuade mum to quit before she makes a loss and potentially ends up in a legal hell - no luck. I would have handled all of it. Now I refuse.

It has also occurred to me to say to mum that I will not be visiting till she shows evidence of sorting it out. She will then weep and wail about how she can't do things like that but...I've only warned her, and dad, for seven years. It's really shocking when you think of it in time terms.

@BinaryDot Thanks. It's lovely getting all this sympathy, a sort of emotional warm blanket around my shoulders. (In real life the cat is sitting on my blanket and I'm freezing)

@EmmaEmerald sorry you're stuck with a perent with so little basic empathy. And your reslieince must be at a low ebb now too, with all you've had to put up with.

When I started looking after dad's finances, I told him I'd do it (adhering to boundaries regarding safety of capital, interest rates) only if I never had to discuss any of it with him. That was what made it possible.

So glad you’re feeling the warm fuzzys sent through t’internet @MereDintofPandiculation 🌺🌺

Support comes in many forms. In my early days posting here I was comforted to find I wasn't the only one battling with a stubborn elder refusing to admit they weren't as capab;e as they were in their prime, now it's the sheer niceness of people I've never actually met, no matter how well I feel I "know" them", who care.

Mere I have no resilience left. Still lots of issues in my new build flat too. I've now got keys for some young lad (renter) because he can't miss any more work to let tradesmen in. I mentioned this to mum and she said "what does he care, he rents". No empathy for the disruption to his life. This is not my mother! This is someone else entirely. Poor lad, new town, giving keys to someone he doesn't know because he's missing shifts and the landlord is uncontactable apparently.

I'm so glad you said this "When I started looking after dad's finances, I told him I'd do it (adhering to boundaries regarding safety of capital, interest rates) only if I never had to discuss any of it with him. That was what made it possible."

This is what finished me off today. She sat me down and said there had been a crucial development in one of the legal problems. Literally nothing has changed but because she didn't understand a letter she got, she thought there was a crisis.

She was adamant that I must listen to her before I read the letter. I asked for it first of course, but she said I had to hear important context first.

She made zero sense and then I read the letter and just wept.

I cannot listen to her anymore.

What galls me is the that my mother doles out money to my sister and gives her presents. My sister sees her less than once a year for about three days. I do all the admin and hard yards. She never does anything for me or gives me anything. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that seems petty and mercenary but it does grate.

Myneedycat I understand. It's not petty or mercenary. Oddly enough, I just recently found out that mum pays my sister lunch money when she visits - my sister always gets a big lunch from the deli.

Until recently I just made do with whatever mum had in - but now mum lives on boiled veg, it's not possible.

Apparently I could have had lunch from the posh deli all this time! I told her today, I'm adding it to her bill (i do her supermarket order online and she pays me back because she won't have her card used online). Not sure how much to add.

This "I am old" trick doesn't wash now. my sister does almost nothing for mum.

ETA - in fact, I think I'll ring mum tomorrow and ask how much bill money is on offer. Before she conveniently forgets her offer.

We'd like to put some of mum and dad's money aside for funeral costs but don't want a monthly plan type thing. We'd like to put a lump sum aside but are wary of deprivation of assets, or of the money just being taken for care fees when their money runs out. Any thoughts? We do have POA.

In terms of deprivation of assets, best ask on the legal board.
Can you pay a funeral in full upfront? Maybe try Co-op, see if they can advise?

I wouldn't want to do that using PofA though, are they capable of doing it themselves? I'd be worried about raising a red flag on the system doing that via LPA.

I think it depends on the council. Some will try and argue it's deprivation of assets others ignore it so probably best to speak to your local Age UK office for local experience.

They can't do anything themselves. Both have alzheimers and are in a care home.

Tuc I think you'd get proper advice on the legal board.