The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I believe for many places you can get a code from OPG for internet registration, and don’t need a certified paper copy. But I am unsure how - DBro dealt with this.

They cost £35 each but once registered with the OPG you can order certified copies from them. I did it around 6 weeks ago and they took a fortnight to arrive. They have like a Braille dotted pattern on the bottom of each page.

Took mine into Barclays on Monday with DF and I am now set up on their system as an attorney. They aren't my favourite institution but they were absolutely lovely and it was a very easy process. The GP who insisted on seeing it when DF was staying with me for 6 months 230 miles away from them told us that a letter signed by him was fine when I rocked up with the copy (and DF). Could have saved us months of aggro...

Should also have added that my horrible narc sister set them up, misremembering whether they were Joint or Joint & Several. I didn't have any information about them but when I rang the OPG with DF's full name & DoB plus mine, they found the references instantly. The queue to get through on the phone was the worst part.

@MereDintofPandiculation mum does have mental capacity still so can sign but I know I couldn't write that amount on every page so she never would!

There are 2 attorneys and we can make decisions separately but my niece is the other and I can't see her actually doing anything with it. She's doing her best but her skills are in keeping mum company and keeping an eye on her. The rest she defers to me. I did see that you can add organisations online so I might look a bit more into that next.

You obviously didn't go to an old-style grammar school where they handed out "lines" at the drop of the hat. Writing that text on the 15-30 pages of a PoA is a piece of cake by comparison!

It would be sensible for you to hang on to the PoA document if your niece isn't doing anything. You don't have to get both attorneys registered with each organisation, just whoever is going to want to deal with them.

New PoAs come with a number. which allows the organisation to tap into the document on-line, and that in theory should get round the need for certified copies. But with older ones, organisations will want to see the PoA. Easiest if you can take it into a branch where they'll scan it on to their system. A very few places will allow you to scan and email. Otherwise it's post, and pray that they'll return it - hence the need for certified copies.

Yeah, that's come in more recently. Doesn't apply to older PoAs.

DH found that some places still insist on seeing the paper copy (NatWest looking at you) and the care home didn't even know about the online code system until he told them (January 2023)

@countrygirl99 NatWest haven't been great. I reported my Dad's death and they took him off all accounts accept 1 so I had to call again twice until they got that sorted 🤷‍♀️

NatWest were absolutely rubbish.

I had a new PoA, nowhere I went to used the online code. Very unimpressed with the bank that didn't book appointments - you just turned up and waited. And waited.

Well, the last thing they want to do is make the branch experience pleasurable…

Was that Nat West too?

Barclays accepted code or paper. DWP accepted code, as didone of the energy firms, can't remember which one. NS&I (premium bonds) accept code. GP and care home knew nothing about it.

DWP wanted the paper form, it was HSBC that thought having customers waiting around was less of a covid risk than having booked appointments. I went three times to be told the wait time would be around an hour, I got in by being there twenty minutes before I opened (and I still wasn't first in the queue)

Thankfully things have moved forward since 2021.

Hi all,

Can I tentatively put my foot in the cafe door?

It’s early days here on the caring journey with my DPs. Both are early/mid 70s. DM has significant mental health challenges that have been lifelong but really raised some challenges in recent years and DF is starting to show the signs of mobility challenges after a stroke during lockdown (minor in terms of long term issues) and a few falls. They live at home supposedly independently but it’s chaotic and they rely on me to do a lot already around admin and emotional support etc. I’m an only child and they have a very limited social network of either family or friends so I am juggling their needs with those of my own young family and work.

Trying to navigate the early days of setting boundaries to look after my own mental health whilst dealing with DM’s mental health and their ongoing ability to argue constantly. This is going to be a long road I think.

POA set up already thankfully but otherwise it seems we are set to lurch from crisis to crisis based on recent years.

Welcome @InAMuddl - hot chocolate?

Welcome @InAMuddl . It’s a strange spectrum, isn’t it? We are supporting my father, and some of my friends are still supporting elderly parents. But we are all in our early to mid 70s. Age doesn’t seem to mean as much once you’re beyond your 50s.

We've moved and have new neighbours and I am feeling SO sorry for their daughter. They're a very elderly couple, clearly with a lot of health and mobility problems. They complained loudly about her - they'd moved to the next road to hers a while ago and were outraged she'd then moved her family to a village a 20 minute drive away! Apparently this makes it a lot harder for her to take them to the hospital.

They then started sounding us out about lifts to the hospital and were most miffed to discover DH doesn't drive and I work full time!

The poor daughter seems to pop in most days and looks absolutely exhausted.

@EmotionalBlackmail

Perhaps she writes on this thread !

Maybe she does! Poor woman. I've given her my phone number.

"Don't they offer patient transport round here? Gosh, I'd thought it was a nationally available service. Don't they run community transport here either, I understand they usually offer hospital transport too? Would you like me to find you the number of the local taxi service?"

On my sample of four hospitals, parking is next to impossible unless you can fold your car up and put it in your pocket. That's without the uncertainty of whether you are there for an hour or four. Hold firm @EmotionalBlackmail against being the hospital transport service.

Did I say that I've formally distributed the estate and packed away all the paperwork? It's been three weeks since I completed on her house and I've not had one responsibility-dream featuring mum. It's been a six year slog with mum's surgery - husband's death - mum's dementia - MIL's repeated falls - pandemic - MIL's dementia - mum's death. I'd like to thank you all for being here for me when I needed the support and there seemed none to be had in the real world.

@Knotaknitter I’m quite a new cockroach but I’m glad the dreams are fading and that you have got
so much finished off.

@Knotaknitter i am so glad to hear you have been able to wrap up all the last elements of your enormous task.
thank you too for all the wisdom, advice and support you have offered here. Wishing you happiness you so much deserve.

LOL thank you @Knotaknitter yes, and I've seen the neighbours using the local taxi company. Who usually seem to send the same driver, a lovely friendly woman who takes her time and helps them in and out of the car with walking aids etc!

Thankfully I work full time and am simply not available to do it but I know I'd struggle to say no if I was part-time!

Glad you're at the end of your mammoth sorting out process. I've had to do it years ago for a relative and it's Herculean, isn't it?!

Eventful day today! Spend most of it in A&E with DM over a possible mini stroke. At the same time, my DFiL was on the floor waiting for the cavalry after having a fall. Me & DM finally got home at 8.30pm and now DH has gone to help the outlaws and wait for an ambulance. It looks like DFiL can't live at home anymore and that will mean DMiL can't either due to where they live and her disabilities. Wonder what tomorrow will bring!!

Hugs @Newmum738