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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

971 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2023 09:21

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

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funnelfan · 29/03/2023 14:22

GordonBennett345 · 29/03/2023 14:17

What does "legacy sibling" mean? I've never heard that before.

if that’s in reference to my post, it’s “legacy sibling relationship niggles”, ie old sibling relationship niggles that remain lurking in the background.

WhatHaveIFound · 29/03/2023 20:01

I have dipped in on threads on this board but thought I'd post on this main one.

Currently tearing my hair out with my parents due to their stubbornness.

My mum complains about my dad every single day but today when I presented her with a short term solution to her worries she completely dismissed it.

She doesn't want my dad to go for 10 days respite care whilst I'm working overseas. She says she doesn't want to be sat at home on her own despite the fact that she has two hospital appointments that week, could meet up with friends and more importantly, not have to worry about leaving him at home.

Dad has always been against care homes but agreed yesterday that it would be a good idea to give them both a break, especially since his doctor thinks it would be best too.

I really do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with mum and I have no support at all from my sister who lives abroad. Just need to vent really, not expecting solutions.

funnelfan · 29/03/2023 20:49

If your dad is up for a respite stay, does your mum actually need to agree to make it happen?

WhatHaveIFound · 30/03/2023 19:58

Unfortunately he won't want to upset my mum. At least she realises he's thinking about it now.

DahliaMacNamara · 31/03/2023 15:57

Sympathies, @WhatHaveIFound . It's really difficult sometimes to get older parents to accept change, even temporary ones that are for their benefit. The upheaval is viewed with more suspicion than the current situation, however bad that situation might be.
MIL has had visits from relatives who live away this week. I have to say she was fairly indifferent. Said hello and wandered off, as if they'd come to see someone else, then wondered what they were doing in her room when she came back a few minutes later. Which was better than having things thrown at them and being told to piss off, but it wasn't quite the joyful reunion they'd had in mind.

GordonBennett345 · 31/03/2023 17:24

Told DM today that we have arranged a memory clinic appt as we think she might have dementia (there was more to the conversation than that). She didn't seem bothered and forgot almost immediately. Sigh

On a practical note, DF is in a home and his glasses keep going missing. We got some ñame labels that you shrink to fit to the arms wurh a hairdryer but they don't stay on long. Has anyone found an alternative? He can't afford to keep replacing them.

countrygirl99 · 31/03/2023 17:48

Is there anyway to engrave his name or initials

Mum5net · 31/03/2023 19:00

Missing glasses. There will be one resident who has eight pairs in her handbag. I never quite resolved this. We ordered DM two new pairs every time the optician called. We always ordered the same style so that staff would recognise them as hers and we always had the optician stamp her name on the leg. The difficulty was staff changed so frequently they didn’t even know mum was a spectacle wearer. In the end we took photos of mum wearing her glasses and printed them off and stuck them to her wardrobe. We also would ask about their whereabouts in DM’s message board if they went missing. Sorry no real answer.

Tupperwarelid · 31/03/2023 21:04

Mum stuck a name label on the arm of Dad’s but I think they still disappeared.

GordonBennett345 · 31/03/2023 21:34

Labels have been working well but dad picks them off.

Borntobeamum · 01/04/2023 09:27

We were fortunate that mum was in a very small care home. 15 residents. they only had a small staff and each carer had been there a minimum of 9 years so they were very knowledgable about residents belongings.

Mum was quite glamorous and had Gucci glasses and every member of staff recognised her belongings.

She was desperate to keep her rings and that was what upset us the most having to take them home and she loved aharung her jewellery and quite often the staff had to retrieve her pearls and rings. The rings were worth thousands and her pride and joy so it really broke my heart.

She told visitors id stolen them and sold them for £400.

WhatHaveIFound · 02/04/2023 15:32

Thanks @DahliaMacNamara I hoped I'd get through to them yesterday after they'd had the falls team out twice for dad. Have offered to take them both to visit the place but it was refused so mum must have got to him.

I think it's just going to have to get to crisis point before they realise they can't continue like this.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 02/04/2023 16:37

For two years mum has been on the waiting list to have her cataracts dealt with. We have had various calls and discussions - one of the options was a hospital 3 hours away which was impossible for her and we had no way of getting her there anyway.

Since Christmas she has been offered appointments more locally but they have been cancelled - no hospital transport. The staff at the home have all given me different advice. The matron said that she didn't think it would add to mum's quality of life, nurse A said that if it was her mum she would cancel and nurse B said that it will make a big difference and mum really wants it done.

Her latest appointment is for tomorrow. Nurse B rang me and said that because mum has dementia hospital transport would take a family member as well. It was impossible for any of us to go with her - it meant being at the home by 7.00 a.m. for a 9.30 appointment and we all felt that if we were with her she would assume we were taking her home.

Then today Nurse A phoned. Mum is crying, saying she is scared to go to the hospital. Please don't make me go! She asked mum if mum wanted her to ring me and see what I thought about it all which she did so we have agreed to cancel it completely.

I am dreading visiting and seeing Nurse B. She really pressured us to agree to mum having the procedure but I am sure I've made the right decision.

thesandwich · 02/04/2023 16:54

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thats so hard on you- such a lot of upset and trauma for your dm who will not understand what’s going on. I think you made the right call. The procedure is one thing- aftercare another. 🌺

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 02/04/2023 17:16

Thanks @thesandwich She would be in a strange place with strange people and unable to understand why. The nurse who was pressing us to let her go ahead with procedure described mum has having "mild" dementia. The nurse I spoke to today did not agree with that - and nor do I. She can barely express herself and the very fact that she had enough language to say she didn't want to go was surprising in itself.

DahliaMacNamara · 02/04/2023 19:37

We were afraid of having a similar dilemma with MIL, whose last coherent long-term instruction was probably 'no more operations'. Her sight is pretty poor now, and with advanced dementia she'd require intense supervision afterwards. However the cataract waiting list is so long that it's thought she won't be around by the time she gets to the top of it. So it looks as if we're parking that for now. I don't envy you.

GordonBennett345 · 05/04/2023 12:55

Took DM to memory clinic this morning. I was surprised how well she did with some questions but she still got a diagnosis of Alzheimers. It was surprisingly sad given how expected it was. DM took it ok and instantly forgot anyway.

countrygirl99 · 05/04/2023 13:28

I sometimes envy mum forgetting that she had her alzheimers diagnosis and all the problems she has. At least she doesn't know what lies ahead. It seems kinder when that happens. I can'timagine how scarey remembering would be.

Newmum738 · 05/04/2023 21:24

Does anyone have experience of certifying power of attorney docs? There is text provided that mum is meant to write on every page but there are so many pages, even I couldn't do that!! Does anyone have advice on how to do this?

GordonBennett345 · 06/04/2023 04:24

Is this for the Enduring POA?

GordonBennett345 · 06/04/2023 04:28

Sorry, just seen the stamps. It's a bit early. We've managed to avoid using certified copies of our LPOAs. What a faff.

Newmum738 · 06/04/2023 07:41

@seanbeanmarryme thanks so much, that is a great solution.

@GordonBennett345 I've had a good think about whether we can manage with one copy but I'm 3 hours away from her and the other attorney so think we need one in both places!

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 06/04/2023 09:41

Newmum738 · 05/04/2023 21:24

Does anyone have experience of certifying power of attorney docs? There is text provided that mum is meant to write on every page but there are so many pages, even I couldn't do that!! Does anyone have advice on how to do this?

I didn’t know you were allowed to do that! I thought certified copies could be made only by solicitors, financial advisers and the like.

Googling suggests that the donor can also certify, but presumably only while they still have capacity.

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 06/04/2023 09:45

I've had a good think about whether we can manage with one copy but I'm 3 hours away from her and the other attorney so think we need one in both places! Are decisions joint or jointly and severally? If the latter, you could take it in turns to register it in all the places you need - remember, you only have to present it the once at each organisation. But you need a certified copy for when you have to post it - never trust the original to the post.

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