The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Popping in to say hello, and welcome to new thread posters.

A positive moment today - I used the online access code for the lasting power of attorney today and it worked! It was for mum's Attendance Allowance application - I'd made the application on her behalf and DWP were following up. If only more organisations used the online system.

Can I ask a quick question about LPA’s? Both my brother and I are attorneys for our mother. I’m just filling in the form to register the LPA with one of her banks. Do I have to put both of us down or can I just put my own details?

I think I’ve answered my own question - we can act jointly and severally so I can just do it for me. I think.

Which bank is she with? I think experience varies. Mum is with Santander, I naively wandered into my local branch with the paperwork in hand and my ID and asked to be added, and a lovely employee sorted it all out for me then and there. It did take about 45 minutes. I’ve now got my own card for her account, full access via the app, and get a copy of her statements automatically. So I can do her shopping and pay organisations on her behalf really easily. She still asks me how much she owes me every week, I don’t think she really realises how it works. I try and show DB what I’m doing in the interest of transparency but for some reason both him and mum trust me, must have an honest face.

In this case, It’s Nationwide. We sorted Lloyds, which is where her current account is. by us both going in and her nominating me to be added to her accounts so I have a card in her name and online access.

I also need to do Santander at some point so it’s good to know they are helpful, but because she’s registered for online banking with them and they are savings accounts only, I’ve been able to help her with those online so far.

DB shows no interest and takes no responsibility financially. I give him a spreadsheet every now and again.

I work in a profession that is prone to being audited, so it’s second nature to not only be honest but be visibly honest. DB was a bit baffled why I was telling him things like “mum wanted some cash so I gave her some from my purse and did a transfer from her account to mine to pay it back” until I pointed out that it was so there was a contemporary record. So if anyone ever examined mums accounts and asked why I was helping myself to her money I could account for it. He got it then. To be fair, he does what he can and willingly, but for practical reasons I’m the sole poa holder. I don’t go as far as spreadsheets, I’m relying on haphazard WhatsApps!

@funnelfan my mum is like that. She lost her debit card New Years Eve so I went up and have her £100 cash. She kept trying to write me a cheque. When I told her DB , who has POA, had transferred the money to me she thought he was very generous.

I just keep the spreadsheets as a rolling total of DDs and payments in along with all her savings so he can see what’s going in and out. Smaller transactions I always use her card for. I used to work in the IT department of a financial institution so I’m on the same page with regards to the auditors!

He is pretty good otherwise to be fair.

I’ve never had to fill in a form, and most banks I’ve not bothered to register the other attorney. Might be easier to go into a branch if you possibly can

I’ve got a spreadsheet called “shopping” which has every tin of beans i’ve bought for him, backed up with a folder of paper receipts. Can’t imagine anyone wanting to look at it.

Dementia is odd. Well, actually, Dad hasn’t ever been diagnosed. The short questionnaire had him in “mild cognitive impairment” territory. Today I was with him when I had that sinking feeling “did I lock the car?” So I told him where I was going. When I returned 5-10 mins later he greeted me with “was it locked?”

Yet most of the time he’s not in the same century as the rest of us.

@BestIsWest DF's LPA is joint & several with my bloody annoying sister who thankfully lives in another European country. She was abroad when I went into Barclays with DF, the certified copy of the LPA and my ID. I have now received my new debit cards marked as "Malbecfan LPA". I need to try to get their bloody app to work so I can find out my PINs...

Good news that you have it sorted @Malbecfan. Good luck with the PINS.

I have to go in this week for something else to do with my own account so I’ve printed off the Nationwide form and it looks like they will accept the digital code so I won’t need to take the original document.

Fair play to those of you doing spreadsheets, I’m barely keeping on top of her urgent paperwork as it is, there’s no chance of spreadsheet action! And generally I do actually enjoy a good session with Excel, how sad am I?

I did actually have a bit of a debate with myself on whether to pay myself back for the cash, it was £50 and I’d happily sub that to a close family member with no expectation of being paid back. the deciding factor was that my job as poa on the finance was to carry out her wishes as expressed, or as I know she’d want them to be carried out. We had the kind of relationship where we’d try and treat each other and had frequent “nice” arguments at the M&S cafe counter both trying to pay for our coffee & cake and waving our cards at the poor assistant. If I’d picked up something at the shops mum would ask how much and I’d say not to worry about it, it’s only a pint of milk (for example). I’d then find she was putting the money in my coat pocket or handbag if I wouldn’t take it off her. So I knew she’d want to be straight and pay me back.

I really miss that version of my mum, I’m suddenly quite emotional.

When mum did her PoA she put in a specific request - I remember now that this was why I couldn't use the code with one of the banks, you can't do it if you completed that box. She'd been giving my son £10 a week since he was born, firstly into his bank and after she'd "stopped it because he's too old for pocket money" in cash into his hand. By then it was usually a purple note slipped under the table when she thought I wasn't looking. When I stepped up with the PoA it was the one thing I was lax about but then I thought about what she would have said if she'd known and been capable of understanding. She'd thought enough about it to make specific provision and although it didn't matter to him, it had mattered very much to her. I worked it out, paid what was due and she died within a week. If she'd died owing money the world might have ended.

I used a lined school book for odd purchases, new clothes, gas servicing and the like. I wrote in there what I'd spent and stapled in the receipts. It was handy when I came to sell the house because I could see when the gas and burglar alarm had been serviced. It worked because there were very little outgoings other than regular house expenses and the care home fees.

We were using the app to keep an eye on mum's spending. When we registered the lpa with Barclays they said attorneys can't use the app, only the online banking site. Sure enough the app stopped working soon after. A right nuisance.

Fair play to those of you doing spreadsheets, I’m barely keeping on top of her urgent paperwork as it is, there’s no chance of spreadsheet action! Spreadsheet-is because I give myself a “standing imprest” and make small cash payments out of that. Then when it’s run down, I top it up again. So it saves me hassle down the line. But everyone’s circumstances are different, major hassles for one person are trivial for another.

Bumping this, because finding it hard to get my head around. One of the things we all “know” about dementia is it plays havoc with short term memory. People use it to get away “I’m just popping to the loo”. But there’s my dad knowing and remembering exactly where I’m going.

I'm in awe of all the spreadsheet keepers! Most of my family won't get involved, they are just waiting for the time they get the money so I have no desire to do accounting for them. My view is that we are supporting mum to live her life and that shouldn't be at too much of a cost to us given that we have had to make changes to our own lives to accommodate. It's very hard to know where the line is given that she can no longer understand the impact. I agree with pp about how strange dementia is. On one hand mum seems very capable still but on the other, she doesn't have a clue what's going on. She doesn't seem to understand that she likely had a mini stroke the other day and now has to take statins. I'm a bit concerned about her new meds and how her drinking might affect things. She does not seem to understand the risks at all.

I agree that dementia is so strange, one day is never like the rest. Some days Mum is fine and I question the diagnosis. She knew it was my birthday yesterday, had found me a card and had arranged a present (cash to buy myself something nice).

On the other hand she gave me a letter to look at which had arrived in January and had clearly contained a new bank card. When I asked where the card itself was she had no idea and then panicked because it wasn’t in her purse. Full search of the house and bag revealed it wrapped in paper with her other bank cards in an inner pocket of her handbag (in case she loses her purse. Of course.).
But she had no idea where she put it. I’m prone to putting things in safe places too so this could be quite normal of course.

I always thought of dementia as like living in fog. Some days everything has vanished, then momentarily the mist can part and you can see something clearly. In a while the mists have moved and that memory has gone. MIL can tell you all about the holiday Knotaknitter went on in November and she's right but she tells it to me too. She tells me about Knot's family, what they are up to and when she came last but there's no connection between me and that Knot. She also thinks she's of school age and I'm a friend of her mother (given that I'm so very old). Actually that might be why she doesn't recognise me as me, it could be because I'm 30 years older than the Knot she thinks of.

Every time I see her I spend the first five minutes working out what page we are on today.

they get the money so I have no desire to do accounting for them. I've got Power of Attorney, so I'm doing the accounting for me, to protect myself against any challenge from the OPG.

@Newmum738 , @BestIsWest @Knotaknitter I suspect you're right, it's an intermittent thing. Next time I go to check my car, he'll have forgotten completely.

Strangely, his cognitive problems almost seem to be improving. It seems to be because he's not living in the 50s any more, with problems of national importance to think about, but has drawn in his horizons and is worrying about getting his wardrobe moved and making sure he's in touch with all the family, including Auntie Rose, who would be about 125 if she were still alive.

@MereDintofPandiculation I have power of attorney too so maybe this is something I need to be more aware of!

Part of my reasoning is that I think Mum will have to go into care at some point and will need to self fund so I want to make sure that all her finances are in order and there will be no accusations of deprivation of assets.

No help to anyone but just need to put it out there. Today I feel trapped and resentful because of the level of help my father expects of me. Surely when they need shopping, housework and support with other housekeeping tasks, to get out for the day, etc, it’s time to move to sheltered accommodation?
I work full time and although kids are in Uni I have one day, if I’m lucky, to myself and will probably never have another holiday or be able to find someone to share what’s left of my own life with.
Isn’t incredible that parents can put their children in this situation?
I would never want my children to be burdened in this way.