How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

I can see her reasoning and don’t think it’s being done to be unfair to you at all, Her engagement ring has more sentimental value than money and by the sound of it, you don’t need the money as much as your DH earns a lot more. I can also see your reasoning, obviously. The only way to make peace with it is accept she means well and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases.

Unless there really are very big disparities in incomes/needs, or there’s any other very good reason, IMO it’s very unfair not to treat all DCs the same. I’d be very upset, too.

There’s always an option for the Op’s siblings to make a Deed of Variation, to make it equal. Dh and his brothers did this for another brother who’d been left out by an aunt who (reasonably enough at the time) disapproved strongly of his spendaholic wife (she really was) and didn’t want her getting her hands on any of her money to waste.

By the time she died, however, that brother was divorced, so the reason no longer applied.

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset.

DM is a shitstirring bitch who has spent 2 years winding you up so she can feed off your pain.

Stop helping her out. With anything. She call call her cokehead son, or the other one, if she wants anything done. Good luck to her with that.

Seriously, I mean it. Stop pandering.
I bet she will Hoover you back in with more noises about her money, if you withdraw from her.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

I couldn’t make peace with this @MissingYellowzigzags

I would walk away though, as difficult as that would be, it is about respect for you as an equal and as a pp mentioned the sheer misogyny and unfairness of it, I couldn’t forgive her. She can use your brother’s inheritance to pay for her care.

Did your DM make all of this money herself?

But if POA has been triggered then it’s because she can’t make financial decisions and certainly not see if she’s being “duped”. That is the entire purpose of POA.

So that’s odd

It sounds to me as if she has the values (more to the males as of right) of the last century: incredibly old fashioned but incredibly common. This is the same attitude I have encountered in 2 generations of my family.

Unfortunately as in your case the mothers outlived the fathers (who ironically did not have this attitude to the same extent) and “leave more to the boys “ was perpetuated by both grandmother and mother.

I took the view it was their choice but if they valued the boys that much more they couldn’t expect the girls to stick around and agree to be treated that way.

If this was my siblings we’d just agree to split it between us
are you close with them?

I wouldn't make peace with it, it's really rubbish OP. It's sexist too, and your brother's are equally as shitty, I wouldn't sit back and let my parents do this to one of my siblings.

I would tell her calmly how hurt and upset you are, that it's not about the money, but the favouritism, and make it very clear that you will be providing no care whatsoever - it will have to be paid for by her and arranged by your brother's. I'd also take a step back from her for a while to let everything settle down.

So sorry OP, I can't imagine how rubbish you're feeling 💐

I've been in a similar position. My brother is on benefits (diability) with a teenage daughter and unemployed girlfriend. I have a mortgage (4 bed), DH and I work (more than) full time and have 2 small DC. My mum wanted to buy a house for brother (4 bed, in nice area), in brother's name. Mum told me brother needed the help and I don't. At first I kept quiet, but then I broke and asked why am I (and my kids) being punished for 'having my s**t together', working hard and chipping away at a big mortgage and other debts? We had a huge row, but she compromised and bought the house in her name (not brother's) and brother now lives there rent free... 😕

You moved to be near her, she expects you to do the bulk of her old age care? As I keep saying to my mum, I thoroughly expect her house will be sold to fund her care, I live 5 hours away so it won’t be me. Possibly your mum will be in the same position, so you won’t need to consider who gets the house but I completely understand your hurt, particularly given you see her so often and she expects you to do her care in future years. Her thinking process is very odd. Giving money to an alcoholic coke user is madness.

This is really really awful, I am so sorry for you.

This actually happened to someone in my family - but she didn’t find out until the last remaining parent died. It was for no apparent reason, the only thing we can fathom potentially Is that like youre situation, she was in a slightly better financial situation than siblings.

It’s honestly caused a lot of issues and upset and therapy. It’s just that last final rejection. :(

I really hope you can get it resolved.

I don’t think you can make peace with this. It’s weird to say it’s not about the money but it’s not . It’s totally unfair and illogical and no one knows what will happen in the future about finances . And you are the one who has been there for her .

you are right it’s about respect and worth .

I'd have to go no contact with my DM if she did that to me.

Never seeing or hearing from me or the GC again and never again having my support with anything, including personal care.

This will be very very easy to prove.

He will be asked to provide proof of expenditure and purpose.

What body did you report to?

I would step back from caring for her and allow her to spend your brothers' inheritance on care fees

Obviously it's entirely up to an individual what happens to their money when they die, but I cannot understand parents who do this type of thing.

That is the feeling I’m getting here

Very strange. The fact that you have spent more time together should lead to reverse decision, that if anything she leaves you a bit more. I hate to point this out but within the next 10 years or so anything could happen in your relationship with your high earning husband.

Ive just gone through this, its not the same degree but my DM left her most valuable by far piece of jewellery to a married in family member who rarely visited or made contact with her. But DM had dementia. Is it possible that your DM is starting down that road? Also that one or both of your siblings have worked on her? What do they think about it?

I think a bit more process is needed before you start trying to come to terms, ie to understand it properly.

I wouldn't be able to make peace with it.

i would tell her so and why I was going low contact since she clearly has favourites and is acting accordingly.

You've said how much you love her. Have you told her that? And have you explained that her actions make you feel that the love isn't reciprocated?

Because when it comes down to it, it's not really about the money, is it? It's about the message that you're getting from her.

My GM did this to my mum (an only child). She decided none of us needed the money, fell out with my mum over nothing, and despite my mum providing all her care (even after the falling out) left everything including her house, to a charity that she (GM) didn't even approve of. It was a mighty FU, and my mum was desperately hurt to realise that her mum had never loved her.

It absolutely wouldn't bother me. When DH's DM died, we all agreed his DB should have the full inheritance because they needed it more. When my aunt died, all the cousins agreed my DSIS should have more because she had been more involved.
Money does not equal love or respect or caring. Maybe realising that will help you make peace with your DM's decision.
And if you feel your financial position is precarious if you were to separate from your DH, then it might be prudent to take steps to rectify that.

@MissingYellowzigzags I think if you have been trying unsuccessfully to make your mother see the unfairness of this for 2 years, you are unlikely to get her to change her mind (or get your brothers to do the decent thing, assuming they are fully aware of her plans). And as you say, the hurt has been done now anyway.

So all you can do now is change how you relate to her. I’d be absolutely heartbroken if this happened to me. As others have said, it’s probably an old-fashioned view of how things should be done. Which doesn’t make it less hurtful.

The only thing I would say in her defence is that I know of a family where the grandparent was terminally ill & the will was written to take account of the fact that the GP had helped their older children a lot with childcare but knew they would not be around to do the same for the younger siblings.

I think I would get together with siblings and draft up an agreement that they share out between the three of you what's left to them. Make it clear to siblings that if they don't get behind you then there will be nothing left because it will all have gone in care fees.

Hmm, that wouldn't be mercenary now, would it? Lovely bit of familial blackmail there

This does seem like a really odd decision. Could it be because she fears the security of your brothers futures but sees you're in a secure relationship?

Realistically you accept it and then contest the will after she’s dead.
It then becomes a fight between siblings.
both situations are sh1t & your mum is a fool for putting you in that position.

But it will be her, whether she was joking or not, the fact remains that I'll bet it will be her.

It won't be her brothers or SILs doing it.

OP, I'd emigrate to Oz then. 🤷‍♀️