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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
Rainbowdrops2021 · 02/01/2023 15:28

You need to put some distance between you and your dm for a while. You will be left bitter and resentful other wise. I would explain to her why this is hurtful maybe even show her this thread then step away for a short bit, this isn’t about money it’s about how you feel less cared for as her daughter. I would 100 seek some therepy I know that might sound silly but parental issues can dominate your whole life and finally and most importantly never fall into the role of her carer, if she wants one she can clearly afford to pay for one or one of your brothers can step up.

Purple52 · 02/01/2023 15:28

Does she need care? Charge her for what you do?!

ppure · 02/01/2023 15:29

I don’t think my parents will divide it unequally, but my husband and I earn a significant amount of money, have a holiday home, any car we want etc.
so I will intentionally give my sister my share.. or encourage my parents to spend it on themselves.
others could do with it more than me.

if at any time they chose to give it to my sibling, because they know I’ll be ok and have enough I would not be upset.

With inheritance tax at 40% id probably just encourage my parents to Have some YOLO time and travel the world and spend the money they earned.

Wheresthebeach · 02/01/2023 15:29

You need to distance yourself - she’s treating you appallingly and it will only get worse. She’s told you loud and clear where you stand. Let your siblings deal with her and get on with your life.

Mycatsgoldtooth · 02/01/2023 15:29

No words, just hope you can have a relationship if you want one. I personally couldn’t. It’s such a hurtful thing to do.

TheSingingBean · 02/01/2023 15:30

I’m sorry OP, that’s really tough.

I’m not sure I could get passed it in your situation.

I’m always shocked by stories like this, and clearly they’re not that uncommon judging by some of the posts here. We’re leaving everything split equally between our three children. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything different, it’s such a bitter legacy for the next generation.

ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 15:30

@JadeSeahorse

DH has never touched his nominal amount and it is just sat in a high interest account.

that wasn’t a “nominal amount” given how unbelievably low interest rates have been for years until only very recently

ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 15:31

To be able to buy himself a watch with the proceeds from interest!!

PollyAmour · 02/01/2023 15:31

My MIL used to almost blackmail DH and his siblings about how much money they would get when she died - sadly she suffered a catastrophic stroke and spent her last years in a PVS, in a nursing home. There was no money left whatsoever.

I couldn't get too worked up about it. Your mum is only 75, she could live another 20 years yet. God forbid, you could even pre-decease her. You just have to accept that your brothers are the favourites and you're not.

selfindulgentmoaner · 02/01/2023 15:32

@MissingYellowzigzags your mother seems to have very old fashioned ( read: sexist) views about inheritance.

Is this the first time this has come to light? Were your brothers ‘preferred’ over you growing up?

I also wonder if there’s a bit of jealousy in the way she views you?

I just can’t see why a reasonable, fair person could come to the conclusions she has- particularly when you’ve made it clear how hurtful it is!

Unikeko · 02/01/2023 15:32

My grandparents were a bit like this. They were going to leave a massive sum to my brother and cut my sister and I out from inheriting 1mil +. A family member who is going to serve as executor told them if you don't share that out evenly between the three I don't want you to leave me anything. Everything was shared more equitably after that.

Why haven't you brothers stuck up for you?

GalwayShawl · 02/01/2023 15:33

Bloody appalling. Are they both males?

JadeSeahorse · 02/01/2023 15:36

ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 15:30

@JadeSeahorse

DH has never touched his nominal amount and it is just sat in a high interest account.

that wasn’t a “nominal amount” given how unbelievably low interest rates have been for years until only very recently

The amount was invested in a Stocks and Shares ISA which did quite well for him @ridiculoso 82. (It was less than £30,000)

Believe me, compared to what his siblings received it was nominal but he would have felt exactly the same had the total estate been £100.

Cruisebabe1 · 02/01/2023 15:37

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 09:57

@MissingYellowzigzags it really is shit, isn’t it. And the irony of me predicting when I was younger, ‘you know it’ll be me looking after you at the end, don’t you? You won’t see them for dust’ and then it came true. And she knows it.

it isn’t the money, it is the unfairness when you haven’t done anything wrong that is the kicker. And the fact someone is happy to have you run ragged with a 200mile round trip at the same time. Honestly, walk away. Best thing I’ve done for me and my family, I do not snap at anyone, I don’t spend hours on the phone trying to report the financial abuse to SS (who do not give a shiny shit even though the evidence is immense). In the end, who was I worried would judge me for walking away? My Mother’s next door neighbour? (A woman who is genuinely lovely that my mother slags off all of the time)? The ex-neighbour (a woman in her fifties who takes £200 in cash from her for her birthday every year 🤔, for context, I got £0 )? Anyone who knows me, knows I am kind, generous and fair. Their opinions matter. Let those on the ‘payroll’ judge away.

As an aside. My sibling left our mother with no one over Christmas (we were 200miles away at the IL’s). I feel no guilt. She has reaped what she has sown. I warned her about sibling twat partner (coercive control, narc tendencies) like your DB’s coke habit she has ignored it.

You matter to the people who truly know you. My actual family are my friends who call me to have a chat, know how I think, ask how I am. I wouldn’t choose to be friends with my sibling which probably speaks volumes. Know your self-worth. Do some reading and reach the conclusion that suits you. It is easy on an anonymous forum to just say walk away. It took me three years to do it and in that time it caused me massive issues including putting my health at risk. Consider why you feel obligated and examine that.

Having a dysfunctional relationship like this with a mother is a social taboo. We’re supposed to value a mother, ‘she’s the only one you’ll have, blah blah’ but sometimes you aren’t blessed with the mother you deserve.

This is so so true……..brilliant post

windmill26 · 02/01/2023 15:37

Not the same but this is my story....My mother came into some money around 10 years ago.At the time I was told that she was going to buy my sibling a home and give me the equivalent sum as at the time I already had a property (with mortgage). The home was bought and it needed some work which she paid for too. I guess that she overspent so nothing promised to me came my way. The relationship got strained as I thought that all this was unfair and in her eyes I was not as deserving as my brother..When asked she could just waffle some crap (that didn't make any sense)to justify her decision. I tried to raise above it but in the end I couldn't ,as a result we haven't seen each other for years . Unfortunately the hurt caused and the unfairness will never go away. My sibling not only has been mortgage free for 10 years but didn't have to sacrifice anything to raise a deposit to get on the property ladder either. I told him that when the time comes that she needs help , care etc. I won't be available . That will be his bill to pay for the free property . Your mother has been very unfair here,the hurt caused by her decision will split the family.Resentment will never go away.

MintChocCornetto · 02/01/2023 15:38

I would be devastated

It's not the money, it's the fact it's not equal and says quite clearly that you are less valued than your siblings.

I would not be doing any care now or in the future. Social visits only and only when convenient to me. DM can organise and pay for cleaners, housekeepers, care, etc. Hard as it is you have to withdraw or you will be eaten up with resentment.

BatshitBanshee · 02/01/2023 15:39

I'm afraid the PP who said your mum has enjoyed putting you through it for the last two years over this is correct. I don't think you can get passed this OP because it actually isn't about the money - it's about the fact that she doesn't value you at all, your efforts for her, your time or the fact that you've moved your life to be closer to her. She also doesn't value your DC. But she values two hands-off sons, one of whom is a cokehead who's had a strong talking to (woe betide your mother when she realises coke addicts don't adhere to strong talking tos) and another who is, by your account, uninvolved.

I would pull back entirely and stop doing anything for her. Not because she's not leaving money to you - but because she's taking you for granted enough to completely and deliberately discount you. "You have me darling, what do you want a share of 1M for?" and the inverse of that is "you've done fuck all for me so here's half a mill to blow up your nose or out your arse now i'm dead and gone." Make it make sense.

Pansypotter123 · 02/01/2023 15:41

Out of curiosity who are the executors of the will?

Candymay · 02/01/2023 15:41

How bloody awful of her.
I did the most for my mother by far. My siblings did not even visit her for 20 years. I kept in contact and helped as much as I could.
her will is that all assets be split equally between her children. I am in total agreement with that. (Not that I have a say anyway!) but I agree that it should be equal.
I don’t know what you can do op because it’s not like you haven’t explained your feelings on this issue. Your mother is doing the absolutely wrong thing. And can she think about how divisive that is between her children too? That her actions guarantee her own children will know they have been treated unfairly and will probably not get on because of that.

NotAnotherAlias · 02/01/2023 15:41

If I were in your shoes, I would make my feelings clear (as you have done) about why this feels unfair and what this says to me about how she values me compared to my siblings. If she couldn’t see my side and change her position, I would scale back or stop engaging with her, particularly if there is a pattern of my being treated differently/lesser than my siblings (and, based on what she’s done, I rather suspect there is). Of course her money is to do with as she wishes, but if she placed so little regard on my feelings then I can’t see any time we spend together is likely to be enjoyable or change my resentment at being treated like a second-class child.

You have tried to explain your perspective, thinking maybe she didn’t understand the situation or what this would feel like for you. It hasn’t changed her mind or won her favour. Continuing to try and to engage isn’t going to work, it will just make you feel worse about yourself and more resentful. So I would just step back from it. That’s just me, it’s not for everyone. I value respecting my own feelings and acting in a way that brings me happiness above any obligations and duty set by others who are willing to take of me but treat my efforts as expected and my needs and wishes as as afterthought.

I’m sorry this has happened. It’s dreadful, unfair and very hurtful. Just remember you can’t change her or what she does, you can only control your actions and feelings. Now you know where she stands make sure you do things that promote your happiness and wellbeing, even if those things don’t align with her expectations.

StickyFloor · 02/01/2023 15:44

I’m sorry you are going through this.

I would actively withdraw from all the help you provide and pointedly steer her towards your siblings when she asks for help.

TBH I would also cut off the siblings who are letting this happen.

VeggieSalsa · 02/01/2023 15:44

Show her your husbands pay slips to prove his earnings so at least she has the correct information.

Then make it clear she can pay for care. You can still spend time with her, but give the same amount of care as your brothers give her and stay strong.

There is no way someone who values my time that little would be getting my time spent on them.

danblack87 · 02/01/2023 15:48

@Winterpetal
Well said

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2023 15:49

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 13:28

@VahineNuiWentHome i think that’s the problem…I can’t spend any time with her without feeling resentful.

@SweetHolme ….yes. That is a good summary of the conversation that’s been had. In fact the original conversation also excluded my DC, because ‘they don’t need anything either’, so I guess we have had a small amount of progress. She hasn’t disclosed the amount to the DGC. She has been very clear that the house (the bulk of her assets) is split between DBs. I get nothing. I was there when she was having it valued and those were the words she used to the estate agent.

in answer to other questions- I’m not a single parent. One sibling is married with DC the other is single with no children.

both siblings have said they aren’t getting involved (I asked again this morning). neither will share, and as I’ve said previously, I wouldn’t want or ask them to. This is DMs wish, hurtful as it is.

I’ve asked what would happen if DH and I got divorced…..no reply.

yes. This all hinges on DHs income.

You absolutely don't Give to Receive, but to even only leave you one keepsake says a lot.

She'd be looking for someone else to to the arse-wiping if I were you.
She doesn't deserve it.

Is it only because of your DH or because your siblings are male?

Inkpotlover · 02/01/2023 15:50

LimeCheesecake · 02/01/2023 14:10

I would cut contact for a few weeks with your mum, apart from anything else, you need time to get your head straight. she might expect you to argue or try to convince her to change it, but she won’t be expecting silence and you not being around for her. If she asks to meet up just say you need to space to get used to her hurtful decisions.

she doesn’t value your time currently, and seems to view her company as being equal to a share in the house. So step right back until you feel happy again. If that’s weeks/months/never that’s ok.

one thing is you don’t have to have a relationship on her terms. You don’t have to see her several times a week. You don’t have to help her out. You don’t have to be there for her.

This ^. I would give yourself a time-out from her. It's not about the money, it's about the fact she is demonstrating with her will that you are undeserving compared to your brothers. She knows how unfair she's being but is doing it anyway. I could never forgive that.

And fuck caring for her in her old age. She can use her money to pay for carers.

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