How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

I would be very hurt and I would pull away. She has enough money to pay for her own care.
I wouldn’t go into loads of detail explaining why- it seems like you’ve already tried to explain your reasoning and it hasn’t worked. I would just reiterate you aren’t able to see her as you’re too upset by the favouritism of your siblings. Just keep reiterating that line to her no matter what she comes back with. And step back. She’s being unbelievably harsh.
and if she sticks with her will as it is, do not be wiping her arse when she’s older

OP you have every right to be upset and hurt, angry even. This sounds like a decision based on an old-fashioned idea that it is a man's job to take care of the family and hold the purse strings, ergo your DH uses his own means for you (she doesn't want to give her money to him) and your brothers take care of their families with a subsidy from DM. Does this resonate at all?
She has obviously given the matter a great deal of thought, yet reached this conclusion.

I would be inconsolable in this circumstance. It really isn't about money but value, and you are right to feel very undervalued now, not just by DM but your siblings as well if they didn't come to your side and tell her that this was unfair.

It sounds as though you have made yourself indispensable to her, and set up the expectation of more intimate care in the future. I, too, would distance myself from her for a time, tell her why if she asks and mean it.

But my statement tells them clearly that they are all equally loved and that to me is the most important legacy I can leave behind.

This^ is a very good way of putting it.

This is what I have done too - although I only have 2 children. They share the estate equally, are both executors of the will and both have LPoA.

My parents who died within a month of each other aged 87 and 91 left their estate equally to my sibling and I. It's not necessarily an age thing (although I do think in some ways they were quite modern in their thinking).

I can easily understand your upset, OP.

Similar happened to my DH many years ago now but he didn't find out until the will was read following his dm's death.

MIL never worked following her marriage and fil always insisted all 3 DC should receive the same but fil died 20 years prior to mil.

Both DH's siblings had moved hundreds of miles away before fil died so DH had the task of doing everything for both parents and then, once fil died, he visited his mother every day, doing all her shopping, odd jobs etc. until the year before she died when one of DH's siblings decided it would be a good idea for DM to move closer to her. She arranged the move to a retirement complex then only visited her once per week.🙁 However, unbeknown to DH, during that year DM's will was changed and it turned out he was only left a nominal amount when both siblings were left considerably more. DH was devastated but not about the money but the meaning behind the decision and he has had to come to terms with that over the years.😥

Nevertheless, I feel he has been rewarded via Karma as both siblings have had to spend their considerable inheritance to fund huge issues which have arisen in their lives. DH has never touched his nominal amount and it is just sat in a high interest account. He bought himself a very nice watch with the interest but otherwise he refuses to touch it.

Thankfully none of the 3 siblings needed the money at all but DH has been left with the legacy that his DM obviously preferred his siblings to him.😥

OP, do your siblings live abroad?

@VahineNuiWentHome i think that’s the problem…I can’t spend any time with her without feeling resentful.

@SweetHolme ….yes. That is a good summary of the conversation that’s been had. In fact the original conversation also excluded my DC, because ‘they don’t need anything either’, so I guess we have had a small amount of progress. She hasn’t disclosed the amount to the DGC. She has been very clear that the house (the bulk of her assets) is split between DBs. I get nothing. I was there when she was having it valued and those were the words she used to the estate agent.

in answer to other questions- I’m not a single parent. One sibling is married with DC the other is single with no children.

both siblings have said they aren’t getting involved (I asked again this morning). neither will share, and as I’ve said previously, I wouldn’t want or ask them to. This is DMs wish, hurtful as it is.

I’ve asked what would happen if DH and I got divorced…..no reply.

yes. This all hinges on DHs income.

Which is not something has any issue with. It really isn't about the money. !

Inheritance is your 'loved one bequeathing their 'value' after death to those people, organisations or charities that they hold dear. It is a mark of the esteem and love in which they hold them.

To give a percentage of this value- be it cash, chattels or property amounting to £100 or £100m in different rates infers a different value placed upon that recipient.

To do this between children with no history to justify it is actually not just wrong but hugely offensive to that child.

This maybe a bit out there MissingYellowzigzags but if this all hinges on the erroneous information about your husbands salary ... present her with the evidence and prove this is wrong and that the party provided that information is deliberately stirring and fracturing your relationship with your mum..

Photocopy his payslip.. or salary going into the bank account and ask her who she believes now !

I have repeatedly seen the scenario where the child doing the caring is somehow devalued. I wonder if it’s because they witness the person’s diminution and vulnerability on a day to day basis and that is painful, whereas the other child(ren) stay away from it and allow the parent to retain their image as fully functioning adult .

@MissingYellowzigzags

How utterly awful for you. I just will never ever ever understand a parent that does this. Don't they realise they leave behind division in a family because it will be very hard not to resent your DB's unless they come good and split it. (even then, it's not the same as it doesn't come from your Mother)

I thought this might happen with us. One of my siblings (sister) was my Mum's absolute favourite ... her DH had left her a few years before and she was forever pleading poverty to my parents. Not true, her exDH was an extremely wealthy man and whilst he tried to hide some of his fortune, she really came out of the divorce well, bought a house I was so envious of from the proceeds, and even managed to get some of his huge pension. Her children were all adults at that point.

I never voiced it but I imagined when they both died within days of each other, she would be given far more because she was 'on her own', all the sob stories pointed to this happening. I did not know how I would handle it if that happened because I had been the one who had spent most time running round after them, but literally everything revolved round my sister.
Thank god, they didn't do this, but left the bulk of it to charity !!! ... the rest was split between us all.

I have no solution OP for you, there isn't one. But I would want to be distancing myself because the hurt would be massive.

I would cut contact for a few weeks with your mum, apart from anything else, you need time to get your head straight. she might expect you to argue or try to convince her to change it, but she won’t be expecting silence and you not being around for her. If she asks to meet up just say you need to space to get used to her hurtful decisions.

she doesn’t value your time currently, and seems to view her company as being equal to a share in the house. So step right back until you feel happy again. If that’s weeks/months/never that’s ok.

one thing is you don’t have to have a relationship on her terms. You don’t have to see her several times a week. You don’t have to help her out. You don’t have to be there for her.

I’m ever so sorry to hear that ,and I feel frustrated on your behalf ..but sometimes we do have to move on for our sanity

Oh and to answer your first question - you make peace with it by accepting that your mother has done something that most people would consider to be upsetting and so it’s ok for you to feel upset - you don’t have to ever be ok with it. You make peace with the fact you can’t control your mothers decision to do something that would be obviously upsetting to you, you are under no obligation to become ok with it.

this is why I think you need to cut contact for a time, remove yourself from her life for a while to process what she’s said/done. The fact she doesn’t value your relationship is freeing in a way, you can decide what you want.

I have just been through similar. Got left a tiny amount, sibling got everything else - a lot. Very shitty experience and not one I wish on you.

I hate the parent for showing so little respect and value to me. I struggle to not detest the sibling for flashing the cash.

It's a feeling of absolute unfairness and you have my sympathies.

Your mum has the right to do with it what she wants, but she should also recognise the damage she will cause whilst she is alive and after she has gone. I'd talk to your mum straight out about this and then I would also tell your siblings, write them all a letter telling them how you feel and that you cannot get beyond this. If they are decent, they will offer to share, if not, you know where you stand. It is miserable, sorry.

You're probably the one that alerted them to it

This happened to my Mum - but she didn't find out until after my grandmother died. Same weird (possibly to do with their age / upbringing - though not an excuse) reasoning - that my Mum was financially better off than my aunt because her DH had a better career! Mum asked sister to reconsider as you can change a will afterwards with all parties agreement - but no - so they haven't spoken in the decade since grandmother's death.

It's small comfort but at least you know about her will in advance & can decide whether to pull back from the unpaid caring. My mum found out that the will had been changed (from 50/50) soon after grandfather had died and that the aunt had been told of the change but not her! DM would have definitely left the 3am (often unnecessary as she was a drama queen) trips to A&E to my aunt if she'd known about the will before her death.

If your siblings won't agree to a re-allocation & your M won't change her mind, then I think your resentment of her & them is only likely to grow - it's not the actual cash value but the unfairness that justifiably rankles & will continue to do so. Does she realise that she may be ruining your relationships with your siblings in the long-term almost solely because of her actions. No one can be expected to be a saint & deal with that level of unfairness. Do check she doesn't expect you - as the helpful child - to be the executor too.

The only positive we had from it is that we all had long discussions about wills (which might not have happened) & both my & DH parents have clear 50/50 wills. We also have reminders to update their Executors (as DH Mum was too old in her 80's to do a good job at it.) So sorry to hear that this wasn't just my Gran & I do hope she sees sense but am not holding my breath.

I would be absolutely hurt by that OP. I'm in a very similiar situation in that due to DH's high salary as a family I'm much better off than my brother and his wife. This is also due to sacrifices DH and I have made which my brother has not made (in terms of where we live, hours worked, risks taken etc.). I would be very hurt if my parents left everything to my brother. I'm actually planning if the situation arises anytime in the next ten years to give up a large amount of my inheritence to my brother anyway as it will transform his life where as for us it would just be a bit extra for investing. I want it to be my choice though and would be really hurt if my parents just unilaterally decided for me.

Your mum's being a right cow. Step back, no care at all. No running her to appointments or looking after her. She's got a million quid she can use to pay for someone to do it.

If you do that care, you'll run yourself ragged and your brothers will get all the inheritance when she should be using her considerable wealth to pay for her care instead of expecting you to do it. Not good enough to leave anything to, good enough for you to wipe her bum. Ummmm. No.

Not sure if you can make peace with it, push it to the back of your mind, although it'll still be there.

Was told some years ago I'd not be getting anything from my parents as my sibling and their adult DC need it more...neither work or ever really have so what they're not taking now will be left to them.

This used to be the case a long time ago. My Gran's parents were really well off and when they died her brothers got everything.
She never spoke to her brothers again.

Can I ask how it has affected your relationship with your sibling?

I actually don’t even speak to 2 of my siblings, but there’s no way I would allow this beyond my mums death it would be split equally between us no matter what the world sad

Will said

Oh piss off Devine. You are NEVER respectful or kind to other posters.

OP - pay this PP no attention. She delights in making cruel, mocking & usually ignorant remarks.

No dementia in my family, yet, plenty have had to have their arses wiped for them due to ill health, age and/or mobility issues.

My MIL regularly jokes about when she’s older and x, y or z being the one who will be wiping her arse.

Get down off your box