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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
Anotheryearsameshitshow · 02/01/2023 11:58

Seriously op I would back away. She sees you as staff.

NoInvitesEver · 02/01/2023 11:59

Very hurtful of her. She'll still expect you to provide the care though.
Someone has given her false info about your DH's income (so make sure you correct that) but even so, that should be irrelevant.
I don't think there's a nugget to make peace with this and nor should you have to.
It's her choice to do this, but your choice what you do next and unless you want to feel bitter and put upon, and resentful, I'd be making sure the relationship is social only.

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:01

I also wouldn’t be doing all the grunt work for her
I’d be moving on with my life
I’m no one’s doormat ,and I’d be letting the siblings receiving the money do her care from now on .
it’s good she told u in advance,.you know where u stand now

keepcalm11 · 02/01/2023 12:01

Shitty behaviour from the mother . I wouldnt be able to make peace with this and would be withdrawing on principal

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

keepcalm11 · 02/01/2023 12:04

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

I'd be fuming

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:05

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

Absolutely
I was rushing when I wrote that ,so I added on what I hadn’t finished saying further down
I totally agree it’s shit ..

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:08

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:02

@Winterpetal I think most of us agree that inheritance rightly should be spent on excellent care in old age. But now imagine your parent has no control over their money because they’ve given POA to the child who was never going to do the right thing and have ‘borrowed’ £000’s to the point where you cannot afford to choose excellent care and are left with the shitty council care because they and their twat partner don’t want you to use their long term pension plan (your DP’s house and estate) to fund it….

Hang on
I have POA for my mum
I’ve kept every receipt on anything I’ve ever spent for her
the solicitor made it clear it’s her money to be spent on her ,and when social services take over paying for her care ,they will check where her money has gone .
POA does not give someone the right to spend the persons money on themselves,that is fraud ,and needs reporting to the police

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:09

@keepcalm11 especially as the wealth was created by my careful DF who never spent a penny on himself to ensure they had enough in old age. It is now being spent on Rolex’s, Range rovers and everything else they think they ‘deserve’. Twat partner has form for suddenly visiting elderly relatives in their final years in order to become the beneficiary. My DP’s estate is the ultimate pay day. My DF would’ve been horrified.

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:12

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:08

Hang on
I have POA for my mum
I’ve kept every receipt on anything I’ve ever spent for her
the solicitor made it clear it’s her money to be spent on her ,and when social services take over paying for her care ,they will check where her money has gone .
POA does not give someone the right to spend the persons money on themselves,that is fraud ,and needs reporting to the police

Show quote history

Also ,POA has to be done through a solicitor
usually the solicitor also has POA as well as a relative
find the solicitor and tell them what this relative is doing …
tell social services and the police …they can’t be allowed to get away with it

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:12

@Winterpetal trust me, it’s been reported. My Mother knows she has been duped. She will not admit it to anyone in authority.

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:13

Oh and the solicitor is not the one my DF always used..it’s an ‘wills specialist’ introduced by the twat partner.

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:14

SS do not give a shiny shit despite evidence which backs it all up.

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:16

It’s nothing to do with your mother now
POA is a legal document
how are the police not taking this seriously
social services can ask for the money back ,as they will have to pay for the relatives care

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:18

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:13

Oh and the solicitor is not the one my DF always used..it’s an ‘wills specialist’ introduced by the twat partner.

So ,contact the solicitor your father would of used ,get them looking in to it
POA means the same ,no matter which solicitor does the paperwork.
this is fraud ,

SomePosters · 02/01/2023 12:19

Op, I so sorry you find yourself in this position.

Please don’t be the mug who does it all anyway.

When what should have been your share has been spent of care fees and you aren’t a stressed, burnt out wreck then
hopefully you’ll find some peace.

You know your mum better than any of us.

what do you really think it’s about?

Mischance · 02/01/2023 12:20

My wills are clear. Divided equally among my 3 children - the fact that one is considerably richer than the others is neither here nor there. They are all decent fair-minded people and kind leads me to believe that if any re-jigging was seen as necessary if one were in particular need they would do so amicably. But my statement tells them clearly that they are all equally loved and that to me is the most important legacy I can leave behind.

It sounds as though the will has been a bone of contention for some time in terms of both encouraging her to make one and also how she plans to divide her estate.

Ironically OP would probably have been better off if mother had failed to make one at all.

It is not just about money - it is about feeling valued and I can understand why OP is unhappy about this. But I cannot see what you can do.

Winterpetal · 02/01/2023 12:22

Op ,I would have one last ditched attempt at talking to her
what if you and her dh split up and he leaves u a single mother
no one knows what the future holds
shes not being fair ,tell her how hurt you are .
maybe she doesn’t understand.

Mischance · 02/01/2023 12:22

Also ,POA has to be done through a solicitor - that is not so. I did mine and my OH's and there was no problem when we had to invoke this for my terminally ill OH.

SweetHolme · 02/01/2023 12:23

OP I can’t understand your mother doing this, it’s so upsetting. Are you giving all the info here to set the context? So she has sat you down and said that your brothers are each going to get £500k, and your children will each get a very small amount, but you her daughter won’t get anything because your husband earns a lot? Is that actually the conversation that was had?

might need more detail to help grasp that, as it feels such a huge / cruel slap in the face?! I don’t know how you are still speaking as it feels just so unjust

it’s not really about the money is it it’s about the unfairness of it - how could she possibly expect you to recover from that and not feel unloved?

Soproudoflionesses · 02/01/2023 12:23

She can use her money to pay for her own care.
This is shocking op.

VahineNuiWentHome · 02/01/2023 12:25

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:44

Read the op

2 years of upset
and **monumental rows”

exactly what a woman in her seventies wants about her will. Oh and reminded that her daughter will be “wiping her arse” one day.

Show quote history

1- I think it’s essential to talk about those things. If the OP mum expects her to care for her, then it’s likely that’s it is what would happen
2- having a will is something all 75yo should have. Talking about it getting a will is essential.
3 regardless of your age, if you leave nothing to one child and the rest to the others ‘because you had more love ?!?’, then you shouldn’t be surprised if that person feels deeply hurt. Regardless of your age. Being 75yo has nothing to do with it.

VahineNuiWentHome · 02/01/2023 12:30

@MissingYellowzigzags I dont think you can move on from that.
It is a deeply hurtful thing to do. She is also taking you and your support fir granted.

But you can chose what to do next.
Do you want to be the primary carer for your mum? Or is it time to step back and let your siblings shoulder that? After all you’ve done a lot already, even according to her.
Can you actually spend time with her Wo feeling hurt/resentful?

Time for you to do something for YOUR well-being and MH. Rather than automatically assume you have the obligation to do X, Y and Z.

Srgcatherinecawood · 02/01/2023 12:35

@Winterpetal for identifying reasons I can’t post too much nor do I want to derail the op’s thread. But suffice to say it has been reported and once you are faced with this situation you realise just how easy it can be to fleece the vulnerable especially if the POA has been deemed to have been ‘correctly executed’. It is immensely frustrating but for my own sanity I have had to walk away. Money gained by deception can never bring luck nor peace.

jevoudrais · 02/01/2023 12:40

Nothing useful to add but just wanted to say I'm really sorry and agree with this being unfair. My DM treats my brothers differently to me (only girl) and always has. She doesn't even see it.

Absolutely if you can pull back a bit from all that you do. She doesn't value it, and your mental health needs taking care of.