How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

Your mum is validating her own inheritance experience by doing the same.

I think you should say that unlike her, you can’t come to terms with this. On that basis you must withdraw for some space to reflect, and hope that the time also allows her the same space too.

I would feel peeved, upset, hurt and rejected. I’m sorry OP.

It is unfair, and you definitely do need to raise it, but going a bit against the grain here, I would give a million just to see my mum again.

The poet Daisy Goodwin’s mother did this to her, although she hadn’t had any warning. She wrote movingly about the devastating effect this had on her, perhaps you could Google.

It’s very difficult to convince people that it’s not about the money, it’s a massive psychological wound.

I don’t think you can make peace with this - I wouldn’t be able to. I believe children should be treated equally.

Giving a million is very different to not getting it in the first place, plus it’s your choice.

Having read the whole thread this is clearly deep sexism - men are responsible for the money, you have a DH who is responsible for your money.
Gross. I's struggle to repair my relationship with my DM knowing she felt that way about my value in society.

This is also my theory. Op's mom perpetuating this tradition is a coping mechanism that helps her with her cognitive dissonance. She must have been deeply hurt by her parents but swallowed it down and rationalised it away, because it was too painful to accept the simple truth that her parents were misogynistic twats who didn't love her. It was easier to convince herself that it made sense and that was simply how the world worked.

By doing it to you she might be trying to prove it to herself that it's an acceptable practice and entirely normal, which means she wasn't a victim/unloved/fucked over.

Regardless, her choices still make her a selfish bastard. This theory might be an explanation but by no means an excuse. Fuck her.

She sounds sexist and in a way maybe wants to justify the treatment she received by doing the same to her children.

It sounds like it would be hard from her to change her mind as it’s gone on so long and most people would find it hard to change their mind.

Also I don’t get why she apparently acted on rumours of what your husband earns rather than finding out the truth. Maybe that’s just cover for her intentions all along. I’m sorry OP. I don’t get why a parent would do that.

I've written my will. I have split everything evenly between my children. How bizarre that any parent wouldn't.

I cannot imagine treating either of our daughters the way you have been treated. Your mum is being patently unfair in favouring your DBs and any split in inheritance should have nothing to do with your DH salary or otherwise. Obviously if you have had a discussion about this for 2 years and she hasn't moved and doesn't see how hurtful this must be there is not much that can be done. It will undoubtedly affect how you feel about her and I would be making it clear that you will be doing no more in care in her later years for her than your DBs should she need it. Maybe take a step back for your own sanity.

I would also say normally if someone cuts someone out of their will there should be a letter explaining why or there could be grounds for contesting it. My husbands step mum died a few years ago and as he didn't know her that well did not expect anything from her estate. It turned out she split it four ways, 30% to my BIL and 30% to her niece and nephew as she had no children. 10% went to my husband and a letter came with the Will explaining she knew my BIL much better as he stayed with his dad after my husbands parents divorced and my husband went with his mum as much younger. Therefore they didn't have such a close relationship. Clearly this is not the case with you so I am surprised the lawyer did not get her to write a letter to explain why she is cutting you out.

I think you’ve got to the crux of the issue here.

I’m no psychologist, but there’s something here about the fact this is what happened to her. I call bullshit that she was fine with it.

I suspect she is pretending that this is acceptable as it means she doesn’t have to face up to the difficult emotions she feels about being cut off by her parents.

What you do is cut all ties and tell her so imho she’s clearly not worth knowing.

@Sunsetintheeast @LaLuz7 just saw your posts- totally agree with this.

@MissingYellowzigzags is it worth suggesting therapy to your mum? Either alone or perhaps family therapy?

I suspect she is pretending that this is acceptable as it means she doesn’t have to face up to the difficult emotions she feels about being cut off by her parents.

I don't normally do cod-psychology, but this sounds very possible.

My mother has done this to me even though I've done more care & support for her over the years. I didn't accept it & realised that actually she'd always treated me unfairly, and really she is completely unable to provide any support or unconditional care for her anyone let alone me.
Haven't spoken to her for over 5: years & would be very happy never to see her again.

I think you have to take some space & decide what to do, if anything. You need to move forward in a way that helps you, nothing you can do about her decision by the sound of it but I'd try to detach & go from there.

@Sunsetintheeast i agree with this theory. My mother had a shitty childhood so I (but not my sibling ) also got a shitty childhood. My DD did not have a shitty childhood because I broke the cycle despite not having a role model to follow for being a good mother. I simply thought of all of the things I had wished for in a mother when I was a lonely, isolated child. I knew good mothers existed because my friends had them.

Having a mother who actively dislikes you/tries to embarrass you is a shameful burden you carry for your whole life. To find out at the end your mother’s view of you must be devastating. @MissingYellowzigzags your mother has a choice how to behave and has chosen to repeat the sins of the past simply because she had the same experience. You cannot rationalise this behaviour because there is no rationale.

She's had two years to reconcile her thoughts. No amount of explaining or persuading or explained hurt will make any difference now. Its a stab in the back for you, OP. I wonder if you examine your relationship closely, were there any cracks? are you mired in FOG? Either way, she's let you know where you stand. I personally would consider concentrating my efforts on my own family now, perhaps a move far away from the area to remove yourself from any conflicting emotions. A fresh start away from the future you imagined.

So Im wondering - oddball theory - have you actually seen the will itself? Maybe it is divided three ways? Could she be doing a King Lear wanting you to prove your love by looking after her while expecting nothing and actually you do get a share?

Otherwise it makes no sense, and I'd be telling the brothers their inheritance will be whittled away on carers, cleaners and personal shoppers as you're taking a back seat to the drudgery but will keep seeing your DM socially.

Unless she's secretly crazy that's a bit of a wild leap.

Also agree with @Sunsetintheeast and others. It does seem likely your mum is repeating her parents' behaviour as a way of rationalising it (and of easing her own pain).

"I love Zigzags but am leaving her out of my will; ergo my parents leaving me out of their will doesn't mean they didn't love me."

All messed up. So sorry you having to go through this.

I did say oddball theory! But I think she's not so secretly crazy as the way she's treating OP is senseless. OP definitely needs to get people in to look after DM, no arse-wiping for her, if necessary DM can do equity release on the house to pay for it as IIRC DMs money / wealth is mainly the house.

Honestly, ignore that poster, they have a hobby of kicking people when they're down

@LadyEloise1 What happens if the really savvy sibling gets seriously ill and can no longer be super savvy or his money is eaten up by bills for health care for himself or his close family or his world comes tumbling down due to world events. When man plans the future, the Gods ( or God - depending on your beliefs) smile.

What bit about relevant insurances didn’t you read? Insurance due to illness/incapacity, job loss; ring fencing etc. All pricy but necessary. They don’t have a family as yet, but even so have all of this covered with a shit tonne payout (yes, for which premiums are substantial, but worth it).

We do have two who likely won’t be able to afford anywhere near these premiums so this is taken into account in the planning and one who pretty much will be ineligible for any insurances due to pre-existing disability which has also all been factored in, as I said they do all this sort of modelling for a living so are not exactly shutting their eyes and stabbing at figures.

@HoppingPavlova 👍