How do I make peace with this?

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DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

Does it matter why the ring was refused? All that matters is that your theory was debunked. The ring is not sentimental to the mom. And even is it had been, she chose to pass it on to the son instead of OP.

Goes to show the favoritism once more.

This is vile and makes no sense and it would be enough for me to tell her to look after herself from now on.

It’s about fairness as you said, and it’s also a vast amount. And you’re in similar positions. That’s what she thinks is fair, then you do whatever you think is fair with her care.

To be honest I actually couldn’t come back from it even if she changed the Will now. It’d be over for me.

She can do what she likes but she deals with the consequences.

My mother had told me she would leave more to my 2 siblings as I had the support from my father and grandparents. When it came to writing her will when she had become unwell she changed her mind and shared it equally. I had taken on the role of carer by then, I’m unsure whether that changed her mind or whether she would have done anyway when it came down to it. Separately my father wrote a letter to change his will two weeks before he died and left all his savings (in a trust fund) to his ex wife, my Nan could of reversed this upto 4 years after till when she died but didn’t so was happy for the money to go to his ex wife rather than me, their family and my DS. It really changed how I saw them at the time and even after 6 years after their deaths I don’t feel the same about them, it’s not all about the money it just shakes what you believed about love and care between family members. I hope you find a way forward OP

as for her own parents…..she was excluded in their Will. Her DBs got the family business, several properties and all the money. She got nothing…..and was apparently fine with that

I think this is your answer, OP. Your mum is repeating a pattern. Maybe she was badly hurt by that, but buried the hurt, and her doing the same thing to you is a way of making that past hurt all right. That said, it doesn't excuse it - in your position I would be going low contact, not helping her out at all, and telling her why. A pp wrote a very good letter - I would write your mum something like that. I hope you manage to resolve it; it's hurtful and unpleasant.

I don’t think is going to make any difference to OP’s mum. She will just hear that her dd is accepting her decision and their relationship will continue to be ‘meaningful’.

She needs to understand that the relationship will change.

Thats even worse. Just create some distance op and decide what kind of relationship you want with her going forward (if any). Can’t imagine treating DD like that.

@Verbena17 but that's not quite it? More

'So mum, you're happy to come to me when feeling vulnerable and needing care. You clearly see your sons who don't help you as more worthy, but sure I'll keep putting myself out and being stretched as you've taught me I don't really count in the grand scheme of things'

Honestly are the posters who keep telling op to suck it up happily and keep being a care drudge either martyrs or in the position of the ops brothers?

IHT is paid on the value of the estate - the amount left afterwards will be the same so she’s not giving it to the government rather than OP.

I totally get what you’re saying. But I just think that if the OP had a crap relationship with her mum, it would be much easier to cut her off/cut her off a bit, however, she has said that she loves her very much and enjoys seeing her and having that close relationship.

I wasn’t saying ‘suck it up’; just wondering if losing her good relationship with her mum better than not having the money?

OP, I'm sorry your DM is treating you so cruelly. Your mums history shouldn't be a reason for treating her children unfairly, and I agree - it is not about the money per se, it is about her assumption that her horribly unequal treatment will result in you simply accepting your assigned low-value role in the family hierarchy and continue as you are.

Her assumption doesn't seem aligned with how you experience your relationship with her. If it was me I'd take a big step back and analyse and dynamics between yourself and DM

You asked for a way forward, and this is tricky as you clearly love your DM. Distance to start with, and clear communication why you are stepping back. Invest your time, love and energy in people who feel the same about you.

This situation is painful to even read about. I'm so sorry. You would be fully justified in cutting her out of your life.

Do your siblings even know what you're mother has planned and do they agree with it ? I don't think it's fair but I can see why she thinks she's doing the right thing.
The chances are that most of the money will be spent on her personal care, so it's unlikely that the sum you quote will be the final amount left. I hope she lives a long and healthy life, but the chances of reaching 85 to 90 yrs without any need for some sort of help are quite low. I don't know how old you are but if your circumstances are similar to mine, by the time your dm reaches that age, you'll be knocking on 65. How fit will you actually be ? Emotionally it's hurtful that you don't get an equal share the only other option I could think of would be of its shared between the grandkids in trust till their 25 or 30 unless needed for education or medical treatment. I think if I were as little involved as your siblings, I'd struggle to not split it evenly after dm had died.

@Merryoldgoat Like I said, not an expert. I just remember my brother and I had a certain allowance, and then anything over that was subject to tax. I wondered if more direct descendants inherited, meant a higher threshold.

Has she been money conscious in her life? It sounds like she does not connect money with anything. She was left out of her parents will and she was fine with it. Hey brother bankrupted the business and she paid for it. Is there any chance she has a completely non emotional, eccentric, disconnect when it comes to financial matters? Is she extremely pragmatic as a rule?

@OnemoresliceofChristmascake

No. It doesn’t work like that.

Allowances can only be transferred between spouses.

Allowance is increased if a child over 30 lives in the house and has done for 7 years prior to death of parent.

Allowances relate to the estate of the deceased, not the (non-spouse) beneficiaries.

Have only skimmed the full thread so apologies if this has already been suggested, but is there someone whose views she would respect who could intervene? This seems so very, very wrong and she seems oblivious to the impact it will have on your relationship with her. She needs putting straight. She will not only wreck her own relationship with you, but will destroy the whole family after she's gone. She needs someone she respects to sit her down and make her see sense.

@Merryoldgoat Fair enough, it was a while back and my memory is hazy!

The only other thing I would say is that as hurtful as her behaviour is, I wouldn't cut contact completely. Forever is a long time, and once she's gone, she's gone, you won't get a do-over,and if your kids turn around in 15 years time she is gone and say they wish they'd not lost contact with her in the interim you may at that stage wish you had still maintained some level.of relationship, albeit strained, for the sake of your kids if nothing else...

You're expecting too much from her if you dictate how she divides the money, and she's expecting too much of you if she expects you not to resent this. There's no point falling out over it though, she could have many years in care and she may need to end up selling the house to pay for it anyway.

Any money left after I die goes to my children equally. One may be doing financially spectacularly and the other not so well, but leaving your money equally between your children is the very last thing you say to them. It’s the last message they get from you. It says, I love you all equally.

How wealthy a partner of one of them is does not come into it. And how wealthy one adult child is at the time the decision is made is not always indicative of their financial status at any point in the future ie when the parent dies.

If one of the children is doing better financially than another it’s up to them to decide if they want to give their share over to the one doing not so well,
imo.

I’ve seen the hurt adult children suffer when a sibling/siblings are given the lions share of the inheritance. They think their parent did not love them as much. If it costs more in tax to share it equally then so be it.

Death taxes are an abomination anyway. Tax the rich instead, imo.

I have no one to leave me money but I have two siblings. They are in a significantly worse situation financially than me.

We get on well.

If my mother was alive and had an estate to leave, I could understand and support her leaving more to my sisters as I’m fine and they aren’t. My sisters would feel odd about it and require reassurance that I was not upset.

If I’d been left significantly more than them or the same I’d have probably given them more from my share.

Fairness can mean different things.

In OP’s case we have, a large estate, and three siblings who are all homeowners and financially in similar positions.

OP is expected to sacrifice her life and time to care for her mother in her old age.

There is absolutely zero justification for leaving her off except for wanting to.

And if she wants to - why?

There are no valid reasons and that, for me, is why the relationship would be over for me essentially - even if the Will was reversed.

She sees you as a factotum, a functionary, someone to service her. Not someone to cherish.

OP, just so you are aware, that if ‘value’ of engagement ring is £1500, you would only get a fraction of that if you were to sell it.

Something similar happened in my family. 2 sons got vast majority. Token to remaining siblings and grand children. Seemingly it was expected our husbands would look after us…. It is a VERY old fashioned view.
We knew about this since we were teenagers, and while it rankled we got over this. And while the sons did certainly help out on the caring side, the vast majority fell to a sister. But it didnt do anything to bring siblings closer together and caused some serious fallout between some siblings.

As a mother, I would not do anything that would damage siblings relationships between my children. Or to give any of my children the thought that they were less important to me in any way. And thankfully my DH feels the same.

It is hurtful. And in your shoes I would step back. I would certainly not step in as main carer, and get your brothers to share the load.

You should say. Tell her you are upset by it and ask for her to reconsider the sharing %'s.

If your siblings also feel it's deeply unfair, they can apply for a deed of variation that would see you inherit too. Of course they'd have to be in agreement on this. Who is the executor of the will?

Sorry I've just read your updates. To me the fairest way would be to split equally. If she had based this falsely on your dh income without fully discussing it with you, then she's made a big mistake. As for dB with the addictions, whilst commonsense would say give him nothing, she's thinking with her heart (went through this with dmil and dsil) , if he's the one with kids I would have suggested it go to the grandkids but she's clearly not going to go down that route. I don't really know where you can go with this other than be practical about the care you can actually give. That she understand that the reality is that you're unlikely to be able to provide it. As you say the emotional damage is done, your dBs won't change and neither will dm. Having lost my dm I would say this, do what you think you'll feel okay with once she dies. As long as you feel you've done what you should and could with as few regrets as possible, then I think that's the best you can aim for.