How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

regardless of my opinions on her will- which are irrelevant. Do you feel your mother loves you equally to your brothers? That's the question here. Does this situation highlight something you've always thought? Because that's what matters.

I think this is a perfect response. Calm and well balanced.

I would be so resentful that I couldn't see her again, OP. I absolutely agree it's about her making you feel she prefers your brothers to you and that she can treat you badly and you'll carry on taking it. Nobody should treat their children differently from the others. Of course it causes anger!

I think if my DM did this I would find it hard to maintain contact. I most certainly would not be doing physical care, as the inheritance would be paying it.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov . I thought she loved us the same. But she can’t possibly maintain that she values me like she does the other 2 after this.

I'd simply say something along the lines of...
"Mum, we've discussed and argued about this for two years. I'm done with it. The only reason for your decision that makes sense, is that you don't love me or value me as much as you love and value my brothers. I love you, but I'm never going to be able to get over that. When you die, that will be my lasting memory. That while I thought we were close, you didn't actually love me as much as I loved you"

Since she experienced something similar, does she have an old fashioned view on male and female roles? Is your husband supposed to look after you?

How does she respond when you tell her how painful this is ? That it isn’t the actual sum, which is irrelevant, it is being treated as of lesser value than your siblings, in black and white, in a document that future generations will all be able to see ?
Has she always treated you all fairly until now ?
I do wonder at what goes through the minds of parents who do this. It affects how the child feels forever after, and it also is highly likely to destroy sibling relationships. I can understand it to some degree where there is a huge disparity of wealth between siblings, but even then I think it is wrong.
I was lucky in that my parents left everything equally between db and I. He is better off than me by quite a lot, but that is mainly to do with him working extremely hard. I would have found it unbearably hurtful if my mother had left the house to him, and her engagement ring to me.
I think your mother owes you a proper, sensible explanation of why she is favouring your brothers like this. Could she be at the beginning of dementia ? Have there been any other personality changes ?
I am also struck by the fact that your brothers would not split the house three ways, is there a history of unfairness that your brothers have got used to ?
When my two friends jointly inherited a house from their Grandmother, they split it three ways with a neighbour who had done a lot to care for their Granny in her last years. I understand that you don’t want money that your mother has no wish for you to have, but it is still shocking for your brothers to happily accept this unfairness and not talk to your mother about it.

Why do the elderly do this. Just why??

I had something similar and found out by accident and although Will was changed it left a very bad taste.

Our will’s will be split 50/50 between our two kids. Who would do an uneven split?

Yes, I agree. I would tell her this.

Why do the elderly do this. Just why??

"The elderly" don't @Chippy1234 That's a ridiculous generalisation. A very small minority of 'people' do.

You’re a better woman than me to help her post operatively (and I know how awful that sounds but I just couldn’t do it). Protect your feelings and step back from her.

That's a really nasty selfish thing for your mother to do. I couldn't forgive or forget.

I'm not sure why there is such a reluctance to discuss inheritances. Everyone says that it's not about the money but often the amounts are life changing. Sometimes I think it is about the money. I think that's ok.

Unless there are exceptional reasons doing anything other than an even split is really nasty and likely to cause upset.

OP, you sound like a nice person and I suspect that you might be tempted to minimise this and just carry on with things whilst feeling put out but I really think you should try and get her to properly understand what she is doing. I'd show her your husband payslip.

@MissingYellowzigzags It's not your money. You can't have a say in what your mother does with it. Yes it's 'not fair' but it's not yours, say nothing. Her engagement ring is presumably sentimental and she wants you to have that, that is her right.

Yes, this

That's factually correct but begs the question, why was her mother discussing this for two years with her daughter if she didn't want her thoughts? And by extension, OP need not donate her time caring/doing admin etc and her mother has no business expecting it.

The above may well be the best response.

IMHO though I might simply say that I am truly hurt by her decision and that I don't understand it. This is, if my reading is correct, both the truth and a path to explaining that you won't be as close as you have been, without burning bridges.

It's just about possible that DM would think it through and be able to explain her decision although I doubt it.

What a shitty thing for your mother to do. It’s not about the money it’s about the unfairness of the situation. I don’t know how you move past it. I don’t think I could. If you do you’re a better person than me. On the other hand it looks like your brothers will be caring for her from now on. I’d withdraw. Good luck@MissingYellowzigzags.

I feel your pain. There are 3 of us, 2 with mortgages and one still living at home. the inheritance is all going to the one at home. It does feel really hurtful and is difficult to move past. I was also the one who did the majority of care and helping out, including having DM live with us for several months after a fall.

I took a big step back. Stopped paying for days out etc and asked for her to pay her share. Got my brother to pay for care and cleaners by insisting he did or remortgage the house to pay for it. He's now taken over the running of the house, DIY etc and I just enjoy visiting and spending time together so I feel he's at least earning it. It still niggles a bit but I'll leave him with the guilt when the time comes and We don't get anything. We have what we need.

Try and enjoy your time with your mum so you have no regrets.

It’s an extremely difficult situation for you and with many different factors involved.

I think if this happened to me with my own mum and with my sister, knowing how much I love my mum and how we see each most days and have a very strong relationship, I would find it very hard to cut her off over money. Even knowing my sister would be in line to have more than her fair share, I would (I think) ignore the will/money and carry on the relationship with my mum.

I think next time you’re on your own with her, you could try to gently chat about it and say something like ‘look mum, you know I love you regardless of money and belongings, so let’s just forget the will and carry on spending precious time together, just like we’ve always done’.

At the end of her day, you love your mum dearly and after she’s sadly gone, you have to live your life and carry on. Now, that could be a life where you have spent the next 20 years arguing/not seeing her or it could be 20 years of happy, fun and loving times - making even more memories for both of you.

I know which I would choose. 🤗

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog . Yes, you are right, I don’t get a say in what she does with her money. Equally she doesn’t get to dictate the consequences of her behavior.
just for the record…..she hated her engagement ring- I’ve never seen her wear it and she offered it to DB for his wife and he declined. Sentimental? Certainly not to her.

Do you think she declined the ring because she thinks it’s more the type of thing a daughter should have from their mother, rather than DIL?

I’d go NC too OP. You have every right to be hurt. My mum was treated like shit by her mum. Would always tell me she’d never give my mum money if she won the lottery but would her sister and brothers. My mums siblings used their mum and didn’t give a damn about her. Despite how my mum was treated by her own mum, she cared for her lots. In the end they went NC as my grandmother was so toxic. She developed dementia and was put in a home. Her 3 remaining children were not interested. My mum would have had her live with her until she died if she’d have been a decent mum, but my mum refused to be treated like a doormat. I have so much respect for her for that. Let your brothers earn their inheritance from now on. Sorry this has happened to you.

I would find it hard to get over this too. I would definitely be suggesting she put some money aside for her care when the time comes and I would not be involving myself in that. I would probably also take a slight step back - I don't mean never see her again, but take.it back to once every couple of weeks as opposed to 2-3 times per week. That way you can maintain a relationship without needing to be reminded of the hurt so often.

@Verbena17 she didn’t decline the ring- I don’t think she’s ever seen it. DB declined the offer from DM- he didn’t like it either.

Not an expert and may be wrong, but I would imagine that inheritance tax will also need to be paid on an estate that size, so she is giving the money to the government rather than you.