How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

This is terrible and I can't believe she can have a suitable rationale in her head for this decision.
It's grossly unfair and I completely understand why you are upset.

I think your mum is a dick. Fair is fair which means an equal split, in my mind. She's setting your and your sibblings up fo.r a very tense relationship once she pops her clogs.

@Pallisers i asked her about that. She said ‘I just told him you weren’t very happy about it’ . She didn’t volunteer anything that he might have said.

I really couldn’t do care for her in your position so at this point I’d make it clear to her that she will have to factor in care costs to her plans as you will not be providing that free of charge. I’d stop asking her for any childcare and would be distancing myself.

God what a horrible thing to do. I hope she realises how much this is ruining your relationship. So disappointing. I would spell this out to her very clearly, even write it down, because she needs to appreciate the gigantic wedge she is creating between you for absolutely no reason at all.

Agree with PP about sorting out a care plan in terms of £££ because this is not a cost you are willing to take on yourself. I’d also sort out power of attorney for if/when she is unable to look after herself.

What a nasty old bag, OP, these things should not be allowed.

BTW I think it is possible for siblings to agree a variation after death.. but I could have imagined that.

Alternatively you could step up and be responsible for her care, then don't lift a finger but make sure she goes to the most expensive care home in the country😶

That’s a terrible thing to do, she sounds controlling to me, like she wants you to grovel. I would step back from her in all honesty!

Agree re the most pricey care home!

Women do thousands of pounds worth of work in terms of admin, general support, cooking, cleaning, personal care, chauffeuring. Given your mother's assests she can afford to pay for professional help or move to a home if it comes to that. Your visits should be strictly social only now. Anything more is increasing your 'D'Bs' inheritance. Although given her views towards fairness and your worth in her eyes it might be hard to feel comfortable socialising with her. Honestly, I don't think any pearl of wisdom is going to make you feel better. Give it time to process and the feelings will lessen. I'm sorry she's damaged your relationship so irreparably at this stage in life.

I absolutely would not be caring for my mum in these circumstances - I'd be working more for my own pension and letting your brothers either earn their inheritance or sucking up the cost.

Very hurtful, sorry OP

But at what cost ?
Lawyers' fees !!!

Fortunately I've never had to do it, but I didn't think a will could be successfully contested except on very specific grounds - for example a history of actually living with the person and/or being reliant on them for money?

It's true the brothers could choose to split the inheritance (I think they have a certain time after the death to do it) but OP also said they "don't want to get involved", which sounds to me like code for "don't expect anything from us"

And I wouldn't suggest that the lack of providing care is linked to the lack of inheritance as a punishment, just to the fact that you need to ensure your own financial circumstances are totally rock solid as you understand that you have no chance of expecting anything.

Totally reasonable.

@BillyNotQuiteNoMates
Whether she really just wants to know if you spend time with her purely because of your expectations, or whether it’s because you really love her

I appreciate where you are coming from, but it’s not a case of not loving her. We spent a lot of time together in my 20s and 30s…..not once was there any expectation. i enjoy her company and we share several hobbies. There is no expectation now. If she announced that she was leaving her estate the charity life would continue as it has. But she isn’t leaving it to charity. She’s leaving it to my siblings. But still wants us to have a meaningful relationship.

I get that you love your mum OP but in your place I couldn’t be in her company. I would just feel constantly reminded that she saw me as unequal to my brothers. I would probably go lc and tell her that she is indirectly treating your dc as lesser too.
Also who actually earned the money, your df or your dm or both and has your dm inherited money from her parents?
If she had a dh who earned well and still inherited then she’s a hypocrite.

Has your mother not realised that your dh could take off with another woman or man, leaving you reeling and in a bad position financially.
Peoples circumstances can change dramatically in the blink of an eye.

I would be gutted if my Mum did that to me, @MissingYellowzigzags

Also your dm is absolutely banking on the fact that she can count on you to carry on being the one who is there for her regardless of how she treats you. It doesn’t say a lot for your relationship, you’re nothing more than a lady’s companion. Except even a lady’s companion would get a nominal sum for loyalty.

Don’t do it. Her sons can come and look after her. The principal of the situation and the way she’s gone about it would be unforgivable to me.

This is a very good idea, insist on the very best. I just checked, theres one that starts at 40k a year. Sounds nice, theres a chauffeur driven merc.

@Anotherbloomingchristmas …..this is almost unbelievable……her DH died young and his life insurance paid off the family home which has increased x20 in value.
as for her own parents…..she was excluded in their Will. Her DBs got the family business, several properties and all the money. She got nothing…..and was apparently fine with that. In fact one of her siblings almost bankrupted the business and she bailed him out!!!

I think it's time to write her a letter detailing exactly how things are now - so she can read and reread once she is feeling the consequences of her actions. You need to write and tell her that you have had many conversations with her about her will and her choice to leave the vast majority of her estate to your siblings. That you love her but her choice has made you feel unloved and undervalued. You therefore feel that you have to make some choices for yourself to protect your own feelings. Explain that you need to take a step back from your relationship because you are so hurt and that every time you see her you can't help but feel unimportant to her and you don't want to grow to resent her but remember her as the loving mother she was. Ask her to contact your siblings from now on if she has any care needs as you have chosen to make your own family your priority from now on. Explain you will still visit her just less frequently as a guest with none of your previous responsibilities towards her. I think showing her the consequences of her decisions is the only way to make her really understand. I didn't get to do this with my own father and I regret it every single day as it left so much unsaid that would have helped me when he passed. Don't let this dominate your life and eat you up. You'll be able to draw a line under your feelings this way.

I'm in a similar position OP. My db will get everything & I'll get nothing. The rationale is I have a house and he doesn't. It really hurts but I'm doing my best not to begrudge him it.

Talk to her. This is unfair. Explain how you feel because your feelings are quite valid. Your DHs earnings are irrelevant, he may die or you divorce.