How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

This is unfair. I'd be going low contact and certainly wouldn't be helping out or doing any caring duties should they become necessary.

Or a SIL or the DM! Seriously, you think telling op to forget how badly she's thought of and is being treated and she should absolutely continue in her caring role and then take on drudgery is GOOD advice?!

@ScreamingBeans

*Will your siblings honor her will? A friend of mine has a sibling who is written out of the will. My friend is the executioner of the will. She is planning to still give him half. Pretty life changing amount too.

Extremely dodgy plan by your friend there, she could find herself personally liable for the money she cheats a will beneficiary out of. Seriously, however unfair it is, she should not do that, she should just tell her friend that she's not willing to be the executor of such an unfair will.*

I think you're misunderstanding something here. It's their remaining parents will and she is going to give half of her inheritence to her sibling to make it fair.

Not needing the money

no one knows what the future will bring, how does she know that as a fact?

As this is all based on the mother’s perception of her son in law’s “huge” income, I would suggest that OP focuses on building her own salary/career. This will give you, OP, more income and less time to be with your mother. Presumably, your brothers can help out more, if not, she will have to pay for help.

I'd be slowly withdrawing from the relationship, and at any hint of care needs would be pointing her in the direction of the relevant services. There's absolutely no way I'd be providing her with any help. Company perhaps, but less than now, but no help.

If she doesn't value nor love you as much as your brothers then just go no contact, let her see the damage her blind sexism and favouritism has done

Extremely unfair and, unless one is a willing doormat, nothing that can be overcome. I would explain to her as she does not value me as much as her sons, in future she must depend on them for assistance. Then I’d minimize contact. When she needs help (which her sons most likely won’t provide),she can pay for it out of THEIR inheritance. 🙄

Also, leaving you a small thing such as an engagement ring makes it impossible for you to say you were cut out - she considered you and that's what she wanted you to have. I'm sure she will have been advised to do this to make the will less contestable.

@HoppingPavlova
What happens if the really savvy sibling gets seriously ill and can no longer be super savvy or his money is eaten up by bills for health care for himself or his close family or his world comes tumbling down due to world events.

When man plans the future, the Gods ( or God - depending on your beliefs) smile.

How cruel that she would wilfully try and damage the relationship between the siblings.
I'd be taking a step back and let the brothers do some running about for a change, seeing she has no respect for you by doing this.

Very much this, have seen this advice given on here!

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s so hard when you feel as if a parent favours one child over another. I felt it for many years. I know that they now try to be financially “fair”, as in their will will divide everything equally between me and my siblings. And if they give one of us money for something, they give the others something of equal value.
On the other hand, they took my younger siblings on exotic holidays, while leaving me and my older DB at home. They threw me out when I was pregnant. There were many many times, when I felt worthless in their eyes.
I am now the one they rely on. It’s me who goes running when they are sick, or need help. And I’ve just made peace with it, by accepting that that’s how it is.
I think that you have two choices, you accept it and just move on. Or you draw a line in the sand yourself, and say “no” and cut ties and don’t look back.
You say that you’ve been talking about this for two years, and she’s not changed her mind so there’s not much else you can do.

I suppose it isn’t possible that her will doesn’t actually say that at all, and she’s testing you to see if you’ll hang around without the “carrot” of the inheritance? Whether she really just wants to know if you spend time with her purely because of your expectations, or whether it’s because you really love her?

I'm going to take a slightly different view on this, and that is that it is your mother's estate and it is her will so she can and clearly will do what she chooses with that.

I think we'd all like to think that our parents and loved ones would make a will with the intention of dividing it up equally. However, does the concept of "fairness" really come into play here?

For example, if your DM believes (and it seems that she does) that your DH is earning substantially more than your siblings and thus, as a household, your household income is more than that of your siblings-is it possible your DM feels that in order to be "fair" she should leave more to your siblings as they may "need" it more?

This is a horrible situation and I think your feelings are absolutely understandable. Many families argue over the Wills. I'm not sure how you go about making peace with it-one thing I would say is that it isn't set it stone and it can change.

Speak with her openly and honestly about how it has made you feel-don't threaten to step back from her life or from caring for her-that just makes you look bad and like your love is contingent on how much money you get from her-and ask for her to explain her reasons for her decision.

Be open to hearing what she has to say. It may well be something that you simply have to accept and decide what you do with your relationship from there. Speak with your siblings and see what they have to say for themselves on it. They may well share your view and be happy to speak with your DM about this.

I've seen rows about Wills play out in my own family-over similar issues-and they're not nice or enjoyable for anyone involved. I'm still a big believer that what someone puts in their Will is their choice and they're entitled to have their wishes fulfilled. Whether or not people agree with the decisions and the reasons behind it.

Also I do think you can continue having a relationship with your DM but you just have to draw boundaries really tightly. No I won’t do caring, no I won’t do admin. It’s strange how when it comes to relationships with your parent’s women are often expected to just be the bigger person. In no other relationship is that considered ok. If your husband made it clear in black and white you were second best you wouldn’t be expected to bend over backwards for him, you’d be told to LTB.

Yet posters will suggest that by looking out for yourself just like your mum and brothers have done you are actually being awful and will be full of regret. Women are held to such high standards, if looking after someone was it’s own reward rather than really bloody hard men would be falling over themselves to volunteer. Also she has 3 kids not 1, the other two will step up I’m sure.

She is 75 and in good health so could be here for another 15 years at least. If she has to pay for good quality carers for that length of time your brothers could find their inheritance greatly reduced. Ask for the ring now ( point out it will it will help to reduce death duties for the brothers if she survives another seven years) and enjoy wearing it.

Misread value of the ring! Yes you are missing out on an inheritance, you have to decide which is more important to you, a relationship which has been damaged but is repairable, or cash.

I'm not sure I would know how to process this either as it's about, for you, your worth to her. I would suggest you try with a counselor and let her know you're trying. If that doesn't help you then it might be time to step back.

Don't do this! That is crass.

@MissingYellowzigzags - You need to step back. If she has £1mil estate, even if it’s all “tied up” in property, it is for her care, not just for your brothers to inherit. She will need to pay for care, like every other person who has something worth £1 million. Let her make her choice.

I am assuming your question about moving to Australia and only visiting twice in 20 years is because one of your siblings has done that, and yet they are inheriting half her estate. She doesn’t value you, she doesn’t value your contribution, and she doesn’t care what you think. So don’t strain YOUR relationship with your own DC and your marriage by being an unpaid carer for a family member who can afford 24/7 care, because the stress of being a cater puts a huge strain on both those things; most people do it because there’s no other choice, as the family member has no one to care for them and there’s no money OR there’s one asset the carer is going to inherit, like a house, and the carer feels they must protect this asset because they’ll need it for their own financial stability/retirement. You are not in that situation, so please don’t get sucked into this. It sounds like you already have in the post; you say your DM has now “drawn a line in the sand.” Time for you to do the same.

This may be a horrible idea and I'm sure I will be told so if that's the case.

But as your DM seems to value males more than females, maybe she might listen if your DH told her how upset you are about the will and why. She may be more inclined to hear what he says and also not being the OP will help with a more impartial discussion.

This. Your husband could have an affair and leave tomorrow. What on Earth is she thinking?!

Make sure your mum knows you will not be doing her care as you clearly mean so little to her.
She needs to know the consequences of her actions.

Your husband could lose his job/health/business at some point, I hope not of course but anything's possible. I can't stop ruminating over this, it's so utterly shocking to treat your own child this way and still expect them to suck it up and feel what? Nothing?

i jus wouldnt bother with her so much anymore op-its the principle regardles of who earns what-and your dh earnings sholdnt even come into it

did she inherit all her money from her dh your father?