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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
Beckknowsbest · 02/01/2023 18:01

Do not pull back from your relationship with your mum. This is her decision. You may not agree with it but until the time comes it's non of your business.

If I was in this situation I would crack on with spending as much time as you can with her. If you pull back now over this it will eat you alive when she is gone. It's out of your control, you can control your reaction to the situation.

Sc34 · 02/01/2023 18:02

If I was your siblings and your mother was unmoved on such matters, I'd be ensuring some of my inheritance goes to you!

I have recently been disinherited by my mother; she will be leaving her property to my children, when the time comes for her to pass on. Simply because I got sick of being emotionally abused and bullied. I can relate to some of what you feel.

is your mum of sound mind, would there perhaps be any way to contest the will?

OooScotland · 02/01/2023 18:02

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:40

@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on

As kindly as possible, I think you’ve come to the wrong place for that.

TiddleyWink · 02/01/2023 18:05

This is totally unforgivable but on the plus side, she’s told you now and not after you spend ten years caring for her. I would cut her off immediately and absolutely if I were you, she is an evil witch to even contemplate doing this. Why on earth would you even TRY and move past this? It wouldn’t occur to me to! You are a doormat if you do any elderly care for her when she has shown you the contempt that she holds you in. I hope you let her know she was widely wrong about your husband’s salary as well.

saraclara · 02/01/2023 18:05

Roussette · 02/01/2023 17:55

That's not right. Anyone can do a 'Deed of Variation' within 6 weeks of a will.

That means you can pass money that has been left to you, to someone else, effortlessly with no penalties. Any beneficiary of a Will can do this.

Show quote history

That poster hasn't clarified that it's HER share that she's going to offer to the person who's been treated unfairly.

TiddleyWink · 02/01/2023 18:10

Beckknowsbest · 02/01/2023 18:01

Do not pull back from your relationship with your mum. This is her decision. You may not agree with it but until the time comes it's non of your business.

If I was in this situation I would crack on with spending as much time as you can with her. If you pull back now over this it will eat you alive when she is gone. It's out of your control, you can control your reaction to the situation.

Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who has made clear how little they care about you? I’m baffled when people indicate that they completely compartmentalise this stuff, as if being told you’re being left out of a million pound will (having made clear how hurtful that is) has no bearing on the relationship. That’s wildly naive and more than a bit weird. Does anyone genuinely value time spent with their mother after they have shown the contempt they hold them in? As if anyone just shrugs and trots off to do the Tesco shopping for their mother after she’s wiped her feet on them like this!

Personally I prefer to spend time with people who don’t treat me like utter shit but to each their own!

FedUpWithEverything123 · 02/01/2023 18:10

I've not RTFT but I've read your posts OP. I could never make peace with this, and would end up no-contact.

Hooveslikejagger · 02/01/2023 18:14

I couldn’t make peace with that. To me, that is not even 2 fingers from beyond the grave, it’s 2 fingers from her current armchair. She doesn’t value you, or anything you do for her. I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow that to happen to my siblings either, and we are not close at all.

I’d suggest therapy if you really want to try to accept the situation and move on.

Personally, I’d pull back to low/no contact, or whatever you feel you can deal with without this eating you up.

A wise person once said; sometimes you have to make a decision that will hurt your heart but heal your soul.

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 18:15

that sounds very hurtful, OP.
I don't think you do have to come to peace with it though. I think that if you spend so much time with your mum, that you could probably tell her how it makes you feel, and how it's based on a lie someone has told her about what your husband, not you, earns.

In your shoes i would do that. I would also tell her how unfair you feel it is, that your brothers get a big chunk of money, but you are subsumed into your husband's earnings.

And i think it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to tell her that given these circumstances, you feel that your previous commitment to caring for her are being reevaluated and you feel that she could pay for carers and you will visit her only for tea and biscuits and a chat. Does that sound transactional? probably. But you are hurt, and your investment in time is not being acknowledged.

After a while when the dust has settled you could rethink what you are prepared to do for your mum.

christmasfairy22 · 02/01/2023 18:15

Wow. I can't believe someone you say you live very much would ever do this. It makes zero sense.
I'm sorry but I think I would be going very low contact with a parent if they did that to me, especially with the circumstances you describe.
She can pay for care, I wouldn't be wiping her bum for her.
(I'm currently caring for my elderly parent, who was a terrible parent, but I'm still there caring for them, so I'm not remotely heartless)

BeardyButton · 02/01/2023 18:18

This happened to me. Not as bad. But an uneven split that benefitted someone who “needed it more”.

It really hurt. I tried talking to her. Tried to explain that it wasn’t the money. It was the fact that her last communication with me would be about being less concerned for my future than my sisters. We fought.

It was only when she talked about it with her peers that she started to understand it wasn’t right. They were all doing their wills too. They told her in ways I couldn’t that it would only cause problems and it wasn’t right.

Could you ask her to talk to others? And I get it… About the two yrs. but you will forgive her. She’s not doing it out of spite. But her thoughts on this are misguided.

PrincessScarlett · 02/01/2023 18:18

Your DM and DBs sound bloody awful. How on earth can your DM think this is fair and your DBs are shits for not pointing this out to her.

I would stop running around for her and providing care. I would make it very clear that you will not be around to be an unpaid carer and that your DBs inheritance can be used to pay for care. I would also consider moving away if you only moved to be closer to DM and you would actually prefer to have a life elsewhere.

As for making peace with it, maybe counselling would help. I'm sorry your DM and DBs have done this to you.

Fenella123 · 02/01/2023 18:22

Jesus. It's not you, it's her.
But you can't do anything (in England and Wales, anyway).
I'm sorry, that sounds extremely upsetting.

Wayk · 02/01/2023 18:23

I 💯agree with you. My aunt and uncle did this to cousin and she cannot get over the hurt. I had tried talking to them on several occasions to no avail. You are not greedy at all. Everything should be split 3 ways.

LaLuz7 · 02/01/2023 18:23

Beckknowsbest · 02/01/2023 18:01

Do not pull back from your relationship with your mum. This is her decision. You may not agree with it but until the time comes it's non of your business.

If I was in this situation I would crack on with spending as much time as you can with her. If you pull back now over this it will eat you alive when she is gone. It's out of your control, you can control your reaction to the situation.

Bullshit advice. Awful shitty advice.

BlueTick · 02/01/2023 18:25

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

StaunchMomma · 02/01/2023 18:25

I think I'd have to speak to your siblings and let them know that you will be stepping back and only assisting with a third of her needs.

If they want the money, they can earn it.

Your Mum can use their inheritance to pay for carers etc on the days you don't go.

People are saying that if you back away from your Mum you'll regret it, but if you stay as things are now and continue to get used so unfairly it will cause an awful bitterness and chip away at your self-worth to the point that it is worse than any guilt you could feel.

With respect, they may be treating you like a doormat but you do not have to act like one. Show them that you have your limits.

What DM has done is not a step too far, it's a marathon's worth of giant leaps!!

MondayWeighIn · 02/01/2023 18:25

You obviously love your mum a lot @MissingYellowzigzags and it is so sad that she has hurt you like this. I don't think you will ever feel peace with her decision - can we ever with an injustice?

Do you feel you can/will step back and let others to step up now?

DIceDaisy · 02/01/2023 18:26

On the face of it this seems very unfair.

Partly playing devils advocate, the only possible way that this might be explained is if the OPs family income is vastly greater than the siblings family income.

She said that she earns a similar amount to her brothers but doesn't specify any figures for her or her husband other than saying that he doesn't earn millions.
That doesn't preclude him from earning one million every year.
So if she and her siblings earn 30-40 k per year and that's the only family income in the siblings family (definitely true for single brother), then she might think leaving 500k each to the brothers would give them an opportunity to get on the housing ladder as their 30-40k income may not allow.
OP family on an income of 1.05 million can afford and may well own multiple properties.

Maybe I'm completely wrong but it would be interesting to know what the comparable family incomes are.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 02/01/2023 18:30

How awful. Obviously the last thing you want is no contact but your mum is making this very difficult. I think I'd just have to plainly tell her that I was very hurt and felt like she considered me and my children worthless ( you won't be able to pass on any of your inherent to them). I'd also say that it is impacting how I feel about her and the whole family for the rest of her and your life and that is directly caused by the will.

Sorry but I think she might be enjoying the drama.

Shelefttheweb · 02/01/2023 18:32

I would let her buy in her care needs - either pay for a Carer or from residential care. She has the money to pay for it.

Noicant · 02/01/2023 18:32

I think a lot of it is evening up her sons against your husband. Does she feel they should have done better? Honestly this would make me withdraw, not money as such but the lack of value placed on you is extremely hurtful. She can’t guarantee that you will stay married or that your Dh earning power will continue to be what it is. I know this sounds petty but I would basically start re-directing her to your brothers for anything she needs help with. It’s the not considering “womens” labour as worthwhile. Its mad really, if it were fair those not lifting a finger to help would be excluded from a will but I’m guessing she doesn’t like bothering them.

There are very few circumstances that would make me write an uneven will and all of those would be covered by a disability and/or single parenthood.

HazelBite · 02/01/2023 18:33

This is so horrible. I have 4 DC's one is far "needier" than the others but there is no way I would not treat them the same.
I have several friends/acquaintances whose parents have treated siblings differently, for whatever reason it has caused resentment and fractures within families that are never repaired.
I would like to shake the OP's Mum and tell her in no uncertain terms what damage her ill thought out decision will cause.

KnittingDiva · 02/01/2023 18:34

Beckknowsbest · 02/01/2023 18:01

Do not pull back from your relationship with your mum. This is her decision. You may not agree with it but until the time comes it's non of your business.

If I was in this situation I would crack on with spending as much time as you can with her. If you pull back now over this it will eat you alive when she is gone. It's out of your control, you can control your reaction to the situation.

Did the OPs brothers write this?

SpentDandelion · 02/01/2023 18:37

I am wondering why she felt the need to tell you upfront ? What was driving that?
l am not saying this is the case but does she think you have an agenda as in would you still be willing to help if there was nothing in it for you?