How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

Well, she's made her will bed...
I guess most of her assets will now have to pay for any home helps or carers she may need, also any residential care she will need in the future.

@MissingYellowzigzags I'd be like you. Her actions have put your entire relationship in a blender. You need to take a really big step back and prioritise your DH and kids - you've nothing to lose anyway - and let your brothers step-up.

💐

I've found reading this very upsetting. I'm no contact with my mother, been three months. She sided with my sibling over her very out-of-order behavior that was obvious to a blind man and then 'disowned' me when I called it out. It hurts like hell but wild horses wouldn't drag me to see her without an absolute retraction and apology. I can't see how you can make peace with it while your mother maintains her position. It's deeply wrong and dreadfully unfair. It's also tantamount to her admission she failed in bringing her sons up adequately and that they are not as stable and sensible as you. So perhaps she sees it as guilt money. But it punishes you for her failure. I'm with others, protect your heart and withdraw. A letter is a good idea, be as honest as possible about how it's made you feel and that your healthy boundries mean you won't prostrate yourself for someone who clearly doesn't value you. I really feel for you.

Write all your feelings down, thinking them all through, then go to your Mum’s and read it to her. Once done tell her that you need some space as you’re finding the whole situation very painful and then don’t see her for a few weeks. A period of separation may help you to gather your thoughts and also your Mum may finally come to realise the devastating impact her decision is having on her daughter.

You can't make peace with this. It's really appalling of her and of course you are upset.

I would distance yourself and see her much less often - also stop providing care. She can well afford carers.

Extremely dodgy plan by your friend there, she could find herself personally liable for the money she cheats a will beneficiary out of. Seriously, however unfair it is, she should not do that, she should just tell her friend that she's not willing to be the executor of such an unfair will.

No idea if you're in the same position.
If so don't let take up headspace.
I do remember DM saying she'd be making me executor....
although someone did say when the time comes it's not a given and I didn't have to deal with it all.
Whether I'd be left anything or not I did tell both parents it's a job I could well do without so wouldn't be doing it anyway.

She has made her feelings clear. You get nothing because, to her, you are worth nothing. Your drug addict brother is worth more, in her eyes, than you. Her actions are not those of a loving mother. She is a cold callous bitch to do this to her own daughter. My view would be fuck her.

I would be distancing myself with a view to go non contact. I would absolutely not be doing any caring for her. Let her use your brothers inheritance to pay for caring fees, why should you do it for free to ensure they get more?

Would you do this to one of your children? What kind of parent disinherits their daughter in favour of a drug addict? Walk away, she’s made her bed so let her lie in it.

I’d stop running around and taking care of her, she’s made her feelings clear and unfortunately she doesn’t think you’re worth much at all.

why should you do it for free to ensure they get more?
essentially that would be whats going on, OP is expected to sacrifice her time and work for free so that her brother's inheritances can be preserved. She is treated like a slave while they are treated like royalty!

Your mum wanted to make the point that her 2 favourite children are the boys. You are not their equal and she wants you to know that. It's probably always been the case.
My mum is the same. My younger brother can do no wrong. I can do no right, despite being the one who over the years had done almost all the caring & support. In her mind I am lower status than her because I am a younger woman, whereas my brother is higher status to her because he is male.

I'm now LC with her to keep myself at a safe emotional distance.

As people often say on MN - she is showing you clearly who she is. You should believue her.

@ForeverWeBlend I agree with this. Judge people by their actions.

I don't think this is about how much your mum loves you, but rather that she holds extremely old fashioned, traditional, views about the roles of men and women in society. Males inherited family wealth, when a female married she became the responsibility of her husband, who provided for her. The female was traditionally the one who took on the caring role in the family, too.
The big issue is how to persuade your mother, and your brothers, that society and attitudes have radically changed so that society is fairer now. She needs to understand this in order to be fair to you.

She literally is saying her sons are more important than her daughter.

I am going through a not dissimilar thing. Except my brother has been financially successful and I have not. My mother has had bad health since my childhood and I have provided care throughout, whereas she didn't even bother to tell my show off, big trousers brother when she was going in for operations.

I think about it a great deal. I have told her how upset I am, and she has said that if she were doing it again she would do things differently. But she could do things differently now, but won't!

I am not a mercenary person. I will continue to provide the help she needs. But I do resent her and my brother. If he actually takes the lions share, I will never speak to him again on her passing. I fully expect him to.

I just don't understand it. He does nothing for her, and he lives a life of champagne, 5 star holidays and designer clothes. I budget for going out for a meal. Yet she thinks he needs it more. I just dont get it. I think her brother who helps her with her finances is behind some of it.

Has she any idea of the repercussions after her passing? Is she otherwise kind and caring or is this really what she wants? I ask because we are on the other side now and it has caused soooooo much stress and upset it’s unbelievable.
My late FIL split his estate very unfairly, our children all have varying percentages. They range from 38% (which is equal to my DH share) to 6%. We have 4 children, one is adult, the rest are still children. It has caused so much upset, DH cannot understand it and is gutted for them. So angry that he never had a chance to grieve. I cannot even begin to understand why someone would want to do this. Unless the person who gets fuck all means absolutely nothing to them, or it was done maliciously. Like someone said above, you’d never buy one child an iPad and another a bag of sweets.

Sadly I agree with this.

The utter disbelief that push back is met with.

If my friend reduced her hours to look after her mother, she was infact gifting her brother her salary.

Her husband rightly told her that wasn't fair when she in a FOG of telling him the hospital were speaking about releasing her and she felt she was now being lined up to be her carer.

Why would you gift your brothers OP by allowing your mother to treat you and your family so poorly.

Much better to spell it out to her that it won't be happening.

Oh and for goodness sake don't fall for her saying she'll update it and include you.

She has told you clearly that you and your family are lesser that your brothers.

The truth is very hurtful, but better to know IMO.

If your situation is that your Dad is no longer around and they were married until he died, could you discuss with her what his point of view would have been?
I can't even imagine how you are feeling, what a kick in the teeth.

I can’t help but think there is some old fashioned sexism going on here from your mother op. Whatever the reason I don’t blame you for feeling this is a betrayal. I can understand how hurt you must feel. It would be making me think very carefully about the sacrifices and effort of caring for her in her old age.

This pattern seems to be a repeating one. I think you need to step away for a while and tell your mother why - that it is too painful for you to see how little she values you.

That's not right. Anyone can do a 'Deed of Variation' within 6 weeks of a will.

That means you can pass money that has been left to you, to someone else, effortlessly with no penalties. Any beneficiary of a Will can do this.

Carly Simon said something very similar in her memoir. She was asked by her mother and siblings to refuse her inheritance (Simon and Simon publishers was her family business). It wasn't the money, it was the emotional stuff.

OP, this is going to change your relationship with your mother no matter what happens. What really strikes me in cases like this is why a mother or father would leave such a poison pill for sibling relationships. Surely your mother knows that you will not be best buds with your brothers in the future if this happens and they sit by and let it happen? Is she trying to spread discord?

Have you told your husband about this? What does he think?

In our own extended family one sibling has "borrowed" nearly half a million from a parent. It won't be paid back (doubt they could afford it tbh - they live a very high life). We see that sibling and family off on amazing holidays etc. It will cause havoc when it comes out eventually (at the moment no one knows but me - discovered by accident).

That's really cruel of her, OP.

Regardless of your relationship with her, she must be able to see that this would make your feel inferior to your siblings?

Also I wonder what your DM's solicitor advised her. Or how she explained it to them?

I don't think I'd be able to continue being at her beck and call the way you are, OP.

What an awful way to treat the child who cares for you most.