How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

"When a beloved parent dies, what is being parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love.” Daisy Godwin a Tv producer and writer wrote this about her mother Jocasta Innes when she didn't leave Daisy any money in her will as she reckoned her siblings needed it more.

I think it brings up all sorts of childhood hurts and jealousies and feels very unfair.

Quite simple, I would tell her she can spend the million on carers instead. She can enjoy your company but you are unable and unwilling to do unappreciated care.

i would prefer the company of a close family member rather than their money. Wouldn’t most people?

So so sorry you're going through this, @MissingYellowzigzags . It is unbelievably shitty.

I don't think there is any making peace with this as your mother is being grossly unfair and unreasonable, putting your brothers over and above you, which is huge and unforgivable.

The relationship you had with her has gone. Every visit from now on, will be clouded with hurt and resentment at the knowledge that she does not view you as equal to your siblings, and will do you no good at all.

The only thing you can do is step right back. Stop visiting. Stop doing anything for her. Use the time you would have spent with her to get some therapy.Let your brothers sort all her admin out and take her to hospital appointments and whatever else she needs.

If she rings you, tell her you are too hurt and upset to see her at the moment, and that you're still coming to terms with the realisation that she's not the mother you thought she was.

Yes, when the family member isn’t a narcissistic witch or a deluded fool.

I would be so upset too. It is actually one of the worse inheritance threads i have read, the OPs brothers do sweet FA for their mother and they get the 'reward' and the OP who has been a loving and caring and dutiful daughter gets nothing.
I would 100% be doing no more than the brothers now, and when she asks for help i would say pay for it.

I know of a similar case in my extended family. I know them all and have witnessed the family dynamics. My conclusion is that some women do not like or respect their daughters, they only love their sons. At the same time they do not expect the men to look after them, they expect their daughters to do so. Some women are that vile to their own.

I don't think you can make peace with it.

It's not the money, it's the feeling of having been judged to be less valued and less worthy than siblings.

The relationship and closeness you thought you had is gone - your mother has made it clear that you are not valued as your siblings are.

I would not be providing any care- that will need to be paid. I would be explaining that you have to prioritise your family and maximise your own earnings going forward, and if your siblings want to protect their own inheritances they can step up and do the caring .

I think its because you are female and she thinks your DH will ‘take care of you’. I would distance myself from her, it’s very hurtful. I can be pretty black and white about things and would not be the sole emergency contact or whatever. Let your two brothers who are worthy of the inheritance step up.

I would feel really hurt by that decision, if your mother is basing this on 'amount of time spent with' then surely there's more reason for you to be equally included in her will, if not more than your two siblings! But like you said you now feel under valued and I'm sorry but what a shitty decision on her part.

Ironically its your mother that has revolved her choices around money instead of the value of her relationships with her children.

You asked how you make peace with all of this. Difficult to see past the hurt but ask yourself, if your relationship with your mother would have been any different if she were penniless? Then carry on as you are or not.
I do think that she is not aware of all the financial information that she needed to make the decision she did in the way she did. Most people do not let even close relatives know their financial position, so unless it is very obvious it is not usually taken into account for estate disposal. You can choose to disclose your finances, you can also tell her that her decision has hurt you acknowledging that of course it was her decision to make.
I wonder who has been dripping false info in her ear?

She isn't listening to you and won't listen to you. she has made her mind up. It's cruel. I'd be telling her that she's decided that she needs to focus on certian family members (your two DBs) and you now need to focus on your family and step back from her. Let her make thr next bit of contact. And tell her that she would be best to start thinking about putting carers or a care home I place for when she becomes infirm.bexauae you won't be doing it. She's made clear what she thinks of you.

^excuse the typos but you get the gist.

i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care
If I was in OP's shoes they'd not see me for dust if mother needed any assistance!

I wish there was an easy answer OP but I really can’t see one, you seem to have such a lovely relationship with your Mum that it’s hard to understand how she thinks this is right in any way at all.
The way I see it is, if you continue as you are with her, she will think you have just accepted what she has has done, and I really think she needs to realise how much it has hurt you. I would certainly put her right about your husbands pay, even though I think overall that is of no consequence. Point out to her that she is only 75 and could live for 20+ years yet, why hasn’t she stopped to think that anything could happen in that time, your personal finances could change overnight at any time, no one knows the future.
I think she’s being outrageously unfair and even though it will hurt you I think that you should step back from your relationship with her, tell her exactly how hurt are, explain how ridiculously unfair she is being by not taking a long term view. Leave her to think very long and hard about the choices she has made. And as for your two brothers not immediately fighting your corner they should be ashamed of themselves.
I wish you the very best of luck and hope things can be turned around for you.

@Crumpleton
It sounds as if you've come to terms with it which is a good thing....

Thanks for your reply

How do you make peace with this?

You don't. You can't. It's so unfair that it cannot be made peace with, some things can't.

Did your mum inherit from your dad? Did he die intestate? If he did, then you have a legal claim to some of the estate and if I were you I'd tell your mum you'd be contesting her will on the grounds of your dad having wanted you to have some money.

I also wouldn't be planning to do her care in her old age.

I agree,
they see the daughter (or whomever is the designated blacksheep/scapegoat) as inferior, her subordinate status means that
1-she is not deserving of the family wealth
and
2-because she is a subordinate she relegated to the menial tasks of serving the needs of the higher ups (the parent)

I’m so sorry! This is awful.
I’m in your position care wise. I have 2 other siblings but it’s me who does all care for DM, 90yrs. I’m also in a better financial position than my siblings as DH is a high earner.
However Mum has made a will, small amounts to grandchildren and the rest divided equally between us.
I cannot understand how your Mum thinks, my parents were always fair. In fact, my Mum is always saying that she’d like to give me more as I do so much more for her!
I’m not sure I could come back from your position. I’m very close to Mum and the hurt would finish me off like a knife through the heart. I would certainly cut the care and become low contact, that applies to your siblings as well. How can they all think like that?
I would have to explain about the injustice, again, it’s not about the money, but being treated and valued the same.
You cannot rely on your siblings to share their inheritance. Indeed, through my work I’ve seen many reasonable people turn into selfish gits when money is involved.
💐

It’s my opinion that the only way of writing your will, is to split any inheritance equally between your children. There’s nothing else to do.

My heart goes out to you @MissingYellowzigzags . I would walk away and go absolute no contact with your mother.

It’s too much to expect from yourself that tog ‘can make peace’ with this or continue to do the care grunt work. I would be remove myself from all caring duties and go low contact.

I would let my mother and siblings know given the circumstances it’s now for them to arrange her future care, that your well being also matters, indeed it is your first priority. I really wouldn’t take another call from any of them for the foreseeable.

Organise a professional counsellor and talk this out with them extensively. Spend some time with friends and tell them how heartbroken you are, the need for support etc.
Consider what you can do to feel better. It is her choice but one she is making knowingly and that is very hurtful.

Acceptance may or may not come in time, but you owe it yourself to take care of yourself - your feelings and the best way to do that is to take a huge step back and at least stop her taking further advantage of you. It is never ever okay to treat children differently and sowing the seeds of generations of division, sadness and rivalry is a terrible legacy to leave behind, but that is her choice. I imagine she wasn’t much of a parent to you in the first place and therapy would be a good idea.

Look after you

Doesn't pointing out that it affects your dc and means they will ultimately been treated unfairly compared to their cousins make any difference, OP? Even if they are each directly left an equal share, what's left for them to benefit from indirectly via their parents won't be equal. That money could help them in significant ways either while you yourself are around or potentially after you are gone.

I'm encouraging DH to talk to his parents about their will in plenty of time. We expect there might be something similar afoot. Best to know now as we will step back. If BIL is getting all the money then he can earn it (or lose it as PIL will have to buy in care if he doesn't step up).

Your mother has got you dangling on a string hasn't she? She doesn't love you, you are just the scapegoat.
Well I wouldn't let her behave like such a fucking nasty bitch with me.
I would write her a letter setting out exactly why she is being so unfair and would then go totally no contact and tell her that you will only reconsider if she changes her mind and splits her estate equally between the three of you as this is the only way you can accept that she cares for you all equally.
I would also tell her that I will not be providing any care either now or in the future and she will need to arrange for paid care if your siblings won't step up.
You say up thread that you love your mother so much. How? How can you love someone who quite obviously doesn't even like you.
I am a lot wealthier than both my siblings but my parents are dividing their small estates equally between us. I would cut contact if they did otherwise.

She'll have to spend a lot of that money on care won't she? Please tell me you're not really going to wipe her bum after she's treated you like this? Let your brothers know she's going to need to pay for a carer and see what they say then.