How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

I will never understand how people can be so unfair in their will. Something similar (but very different in terms of the amount) happened to my DM. It wasn’t her mother, it was an aunt who died childless and left everything to my uncles. Not a penny for my mother despite being the only one of the siblings to be in touch with her, to call her weekly, to invite her for Christmas. The logic is apparently that people of that age weigh up that a man has to provide for his family so needs the money more than a female relative who is being provided for. Dreadful logic but there it is.

I feel very sorry for you OP. Other than talk openly with your brothers, what more can you do? I would certainly tell them they can pay for your mother’s care as you won’t be doing it now she has shown how little she values you.

Your mother has behaved appallingly. Yes, it is her money to give where she wants (and will should not be contested) but for her to show such blatant financial favouritsm is awful.

It does show that she takes your relationship completely for granted. I think taking a bit of a break from each other, as PP have said, might be a useful rebalancing exercise.

In this instance, I would still be around to support old age but very little of it would be hands-on care. There is plenty of money in her estate for her to lavish on paid care through equity release etc. I would also feel much less obligation, generally, to put her needs ahead of mine in future.

I do sympathise with your hurt, OP, because this happened to me and my sister, with our very well off childless brother inheriting everything from DM.
We didn't know about the will but he did.
I think it was a bargain struck, because he was he was the sibling that lived locally, and saw her most. She didn’t need care, being very independent, but he did do occasional repairs and have her at Xmas, etc.

However, my DM had a beautiful ring that was special to both of us, that she wore daily, and always said that she would leave it to me in her will. Didn't happen.
I asked my brother about it as a keepsake but he said that they'd had it valued and it was worth a lot (over £3000 at today's prices) so, in so many words, said I wasn't getting it and managed to make me feel like a grasping person for mentioning it.
My sister and I made peace with it in the end. And we had each other.

I hope you’re NC with him now?

I would ask the siblings to pay for private care and wouldn’t get involved. Or she can release the money now herself and hire a private nurse.

This is very painful.

The last and only time was just before Covid hit, to inform him of our sister's death, and give funeral details.
He was abroad at the time and unable to attend.

@MissingYellowzigzags

TBH, I couldn't get past this. I just couldn't. It's not about who has what income, it's about being valued as much as my siblings. If there was a special needs sibling or one who didn't own a home, I could see being a bit 'unequal' to help them out. But when all siblings are pretty much in the same financial situation, no.

You can't change her. But I'll tell you this, my 'help' would not be forthcoming or would be extremely limited. Let her spend some of my siblings' inheritance money paying for all the help she's expecting from me. Let her pay for a cleaner, taxis, carers, shopping deliveries etc. And if she called me for help, I'd tell her to call my siblings.

I've seen this so many times and its so incredibly unfair and often splits up a family. In a farm/land situation it can be difficult to split between kids but with just money and property it should always be split evenly between the children regardless of their incomes.
I would find it difficult to get past this not only with my DM but with siblings also. you need to step back from your relationship with her and write down how you feel for her and siblings.

I don’t blame you in the slightest. It’s less the money and more the implied value statement.
I would tell her that you have obviously misunderstood the relationship as you value it more than she does, and that for your psychological wellness will need some space to work it all out. Then I would step back big time. When she needs something and for the usual visits/shopping trip, tell her you will operate on a rota with your brothers and they can make backup arrangements when not available. I would retreat as well as you can and make it clear that you can be some work horse always available in the background to pick up the pieces.
The alternative is that this situation lasts while you’ve done the caring. The resentment will be immense at this point.

Why does her DM feel so entitled OP’s time and care? Including future arse wiping?

OP can decline her time and care and arse-wiping.

Unless the law is different in the UK, he will get a massive tax bill on her death for the free rent.

Hopefully she will. And DM will moan to everyone about her ungrateful daughter but fuck her.

What an awful thing to do - I don't blame you for feeling resentful and used. My advice would be to have a family meeting, you plus siblings plus mum, on skype or similar. Put it all out in the open, tell your brothers why you think it's unfair and ask them what they think. If it emerges that no changes will be made, then it might be best to simply call it a day with your mother. Her will, whether she means it or not, is a pretty clear statement of what she thinks of your worth.
There's no getting away from that.
Or, alternately, tell her that you're going to have to start charging her for time and attention, because you value yourself and are not longer able/willing to work for nothing.

My grandmother applied a different ‘logic’ and left everything to her unmarried daughter (my aunt) . My DF received nothing, although he had a family of 5 to support.

Fortunately he and my aunt remained very close throughout their lives and when she died she left her estate to her nieces and great nieces / nephews. I think she always felt it had been unfair and was keen to make amends.

Will your siblings honor her will? A friend of mine has a sibling who is written out of the will. My friend is the executioner of the will. She is planning to still give him half. Pretty life changing amount too.

Hi Op, I would write her a heartfelt letter explaining how you feel, the innaccuracies with her understanding of your DH, and stating that you feel heartbroken that she could be so unfair and that under the current circumstances you cannot go on caring for her or maintaining contact because it is too painful for you to do so. Say it's not what you want to do, keep the letter kind and focus on how you feel amid everything.

Give her the chance to respond and say you're desperate to remain part of her life if she would treat you as an equal in all of this and none of this means you don't love her or care about her.

See how she feels about it. The power of written words (maybe even handwritten) makes a big difference in things and how they can come across.

Then if she still won't budge I don't think you have any other option but to step back.

My parents told me that they'd written me out of their will at one point becuase they hated my DH at the time. But they had left what would have been my inheritnace split between my DC which I was fine with, as it would ultimately go to them anyway. Not sure if the will was changed back when DH and I separated and I'm in no mind to ask.
My will clearly and fairly splits all my assets equally between my DC regadless of their individual financial circumstances, income of their partners, or number of DGC. And nothing would change my stance on this. I find stories like the OP's very sad indeed.

I hope your DM comes to her senses

I agree with all of this.

And to emphasise, it's not about the money, it's about the de-valuing compared to the brothers, who presumably are largely absent.

Oh do change the record, you know nothing of their relationship and unless the OP is a complete liar, she has certainly been more loving and supportive than her brothers. You can love and support someone and still disagree with them. Your version of love is very subservient and childish.

OP,

You can't pretend you don't know and you can't pretend you don't have a choice in this.

Your mother has choices and so do you.

You have agency here but if you choose to accept this and carry on, you have no one to blame but yourself.

I am late 50's and have come across this over the years.

You will never get over this, if you accept it, and it will sour to nothing your relationship with your mother and your life if you try to suck it up.

It will be a blight on your life and when it comes to elder care you will likely become ill in yourself with the annoyance and anger.

Offering it up and thinking it will be ok will be the most foolish thing you can do.

I would suggest you focus on your children and family and perhaps look at the practicalities of moving for his job.

Let that be the reason for the move, the job that provides for you all.

You have to protect your children and your family life and this type of treatment eats away at people.

My friend had a golden brother who got everything and even wanted paying for a site of land that she had always been assured she would get.

She upped and bought a house 35 minutes from her parents and raised her children in the city.

Her brother never had children and despite offers of free sites after she bought her home etc., she never backed down.

She has never regretted her choice and her parents now pay for care as she is completely uninvolved.

She sees her parents ever month as with FT work, sporty children etc., life is very busy.

Another friend was very hurt but sucked it up and moved on, or so she thought.

Her mother broke her hip in her 70's and she decided actually No, she wouldn't be coming to stay with her, she could pay for residential respite care for 6 weeks.

There was drama but her husband said he was happy to be the fall guy as he did not agree with her reducing her hours to mind her mother who was also leaving everything to her comfortably off bachelor brother.

It was the best thing she did for herself.

She still sees her mother but ALL care is paid for by her, including all maintenance of house and garden.
Ten years on, that friend has moved on from it in a very healthy way.

She feels no obligation to her mothers care needs.
She doesn't have to worry about holidays, and can focus on her family.

Her relationship with her brother hasn't survived as he pushed back hard when the hospital wanted to release her to her daughter.

He absolutely believed it was her duty to take her in.
If she had, she probably would be still there now.
She is hugely thankful she didn't as her mother is demanding and cranky.
On balance she is happy to forgo her inheritance as she believes her mother living with her would have been very trying.

Don't try and suck this up and push it down, the unfairness will drive you mad.

Far better to say at a time that suits you, thats fine mother, but upon reflection I too will be making choices that put me and my family first.

She doesn't owe you an inheritance and you most certainly don't owe her elder care.

I do not believe in unequal treatment of children regarding inheritance and I don't believe in sucking it up when you are treated poorly.

I would tell her exactly how you feel and if she remains incalcitrant then I would go NC.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. She is showing she doesn’t care about you as much as your siblings, but expects you to do the majority of the work. Fuck that.

Wow.! This is bad
i would stop all care immediately, let her two golden stars take care of her, what she is doing is nasty and sexist.
you are her daughter, I would tell her you want a fair share or nothing. Engagement ring be damned,
how awful for her to treat u this way

Your Mother really rates the value of her company if she thinks that spending time with her is worth one third of her estate.

In answer to your question I doubt thet you will ever make peace with her decision, even if she was to see the light and make things fairer. The damage has been done.

Its not about the money, and even if your brothers wanted to make things financially fair it would not lessen the feelings that your Mother loves you less.

It’s so hard for you. You clearly love your Mother, chose to move closer to her, and you and your children see her regularly. All of your future interaction will be marred by you feeling that she thinks less of you, and that is so sad.

I can’t think why she caused this inevitable upset, which ultimately will not affect her when she has passed, with so little logical basis. She must have some idea of how this will affect your future relationship, and not just for physical care.

Your Mother really rates the value of her company if she thinks that spending time with her is worth one third of her estate.

Oh yes, I forgot that gem. She really is a narcissistic witch.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your circumstances I think it’s fair enough. She knows you’re looked after and just wants the same for your siblings.

If yours and DHs combined income is substantially higher I think it’s ok to be honest.