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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I make peace with this?

663 replies

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

OP posts:
ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 16:14

Fraine · 02/01/2023 16:04

Did you conveniently miss this post?

i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

Show quote history

Yes the op thinks this but DM hasn’t said!

BellePeppa · 02/01/2023 16:16

Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:44

Read the op

2 years of upset
and **monumental rows”

exactly what a woman in her seventies wants about her will. Oh and reminded that her daughter will be “wiping her arse” one day.

Show quote history

The OP has every right to be upset. I would be too! The rows were because the OP knew what her mother was planning, no wonder there were rows it’s so unfair.

OP would your siblings give you a fair portion of their shares - that’s what I would do in their situation.

Fluffyhoglets · 02/01/2023 16:16

I would be clear with her how much your dh earns. I would also be clear that you are very hurt she feels you are not equally worthy as your brothers. That you are finding it hard to be with her knowing that.
I would be clear to your mother and brothers that you will not be carrying out any care and she will need to get carers or move to residential care when that time comes.
That may well consume most of the value of her estate anyway.

ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 16:16

How many children do you have?
how many do your brothers have?
are your children getting any share?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/01/2023 16:16

Would I abandon my mother who the OP says she loves very much, in old age with no other family in the county? Heck no

Neither would I, but there's a difference here between seeing that DM is cared for and being the one actuallly doing that care

In the circumstances the first is something I'd want to ensure - the second unthinkable

Hopelessromatic · 02/01/2023 16:17

You'll have very good grounds to contest the will . It's seems very unfair, so you will definitely have really good case in court .

Supersimkin2 · 02/01/2023 16:17

Willywackers - people who manipulate family with promises about inheritance- are the lowest of the low. Especially these days when most oldsters are way richer than their DC and DGC.

If it’s fair to deem a child lesser in the will, surely it’s fair to see that no one would want that oh-so useless child providing unpaid care.

OP, DM is a bad mother. I’m so sorry. Work on letting it go and reducing contact. Don’t get sucked back in.

LadyLapsang · 02/01/2023 16:17

The only good thing about this is that you know her plans. I know two families where one sibling was disinherited and knew nothing until the will was read. One situation was similar to yours and one where one sibling had a lower income because of a disability. I think it’s an incredibly cruel way to behave and ruins relationships between siblings.

ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 16:18

I’m wondering if….

the DM, who has a very very close relationship with the OP’s children, is giving the OP’s children a sizeable share of the will.

but the brothers don’t have children or less?

and her logic is that she’s giving the same overall when you include the OP’s children?

ridiculoso82 · 02/01/2023 16:19

Hopelessromatic · 02/01/2023 16:17

You'll have very good grounds to contest the will . It's seems very unfair, so you will definitely have really good case in court .

What grounds????

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 16:19

It's her money and she can do with it what she likes.

Why do you feel so entitled to it?

RoseAdagio · 02/01/2023 16:19

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

Sorry to be rude, but fuck that. Unfair enough that she is leaving everything to her sons and nothing to you, but for her to then expect you to do the crap bits on top of that is adding insult to injury! She's got plenty of money, she can hire carers when she gets to the point she needs them. Don't step up. Her behaviour already shows it won't be appreciated.

365names · 02/01/2023 16:19

I’m sorry but I couldn’t reconcile that. Fine if no one gets nothing. Fine if equally split. But nothing in between. I expect nothing and I fully expect it to be split between my siblings but I am pretty much NC.

That is sexist and unfair. It is nothing to do with your jobs or indeed if one of you wins the lottery.

mine is divide 50/50 between them both.

she can pay for a carer - and if you want you can spent time with her but not as her taxi, carer or shopper.

Fraine · 02/01/2023 16:21

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 16:19

It's her money and she can do with it what she likes.

Why do you feel so entitled to it?

Why does her DM feel so entitled OP’s time and care? Including future arse wiping?

beastlyslumber · 02/01/2023 16:23

Your mother is being incredibly cruel. I don't know how you can get past this with your relationship intact - I don't really think you can. I would let her know that you are terribly hurt and that you need some time to think about your options. You do have options here. You can choose to go no or low contact with your mum. You can choose to stay in touch in a minimal way, but make clear you don't do any caring. You can move away and try to forget she exists. You can have more of a relationship but get her to formalise and pay for a caring arrangement, sheltered housing, a nurse, whatever she needs, so you do not have to fall into that role.

What you can't do is carry on as normal, as if she hasn't delivered this huge and fatal blow to your relationship. You will resent her forever if you simply accept that you are to be her unpaid and unloved carer. So take some time to be away from your mum and the whole situation, and decide how you'd like to proceed.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 02/01/2023 16:24

I think I would give it one last go with your DM - but not verbally.

I would write her a letter. Set it out succinctly - maybe bullet point the reasons why it's unfair. Explain that DH's salary is not what she thinks. Also point out that if your DH were to die suddenly or you were to split, you'd be in a bad position financially.

I would say that you spend time with her and are happy to care for her during illness because you love her, not in anticipation of what you might receive. But to know that you are not valued equally to your brothers - especially when you do so much more than them - is wounding and deeply hurtful. To know that she wants to make sure they are OK after she has gone, but doesn't show you the same concern is something that's caused you real distress.

Maybe put proof of your DH's salary in with the letter.

A letter she can read, and re-read. That's why it needs to be clear and not waffly, show how hurtful her behaviour is without being blackmail.

Ultimately it's her decision, but I do think whatever happens now you're going to feel upset. Having to chide your mother into treating you equally is an awful position to be in.

Bonheurdupasse · 02/01/2023 16:25

LimeCheesecake · 02/01/2023 14:10

I would cut contact for a few weeks with your mum, apart from anything else, you need time to get your head straight. she might expect you to argue or try to convince her to change it, but she won’t be expecting silence and you not being around for her. If she asks to meet up just say you need to space to get used to her hurtful decisions.

she doesn’t value your time currently, and seems to view her company as being equal to a share in the house. So step right back until you feel happy again. If that’s weeks/months/never that’s ok.

one thing is you don’t have to have a relationship on her terms. You don’t have to see her several times a week. You don’t have to help her out. You don’t have to be there for her.

This OP.
And I'm so sorry for how your mum is being.

B1rds · 02/01/2023 16:25

How divisive of her. Never understand why people do this. It inevitably leads to the DC developing a rift that can't be repaired. Who'd want their DC to all go their separate ways. I don't think I could come to terms with that. One of your dB is behind it, I'd guess. Some people will do anything for money. But what a fool she is to throw away the support of her DD.

BellePeppa · 02/01/2023 16:25

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 16:19

It's her money and she can do with it what she likes.

Why do you feel so entitled to it?

That’s so unrealistic. If my mum left my siblings an amount and me nothing I’d be shocked and upset, even if it was only £500 each. I couldn’t imagine doing that to my children unless one of them was mega rich and we’d all spoken and agreed on it.

Kennykenkencat · 02/01/2023 16:30

MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

She doesn’t respect you or see you as her child
She see’s you as the help not a family member and you don’t divide your will to equally include those who you regard as “the help”

In which case she needs to hire someone else to do the running around after her.

If spending less time with her means you might get more then ignore her completely.

Personally I would tell her to stick her ring where the sun don’t shine.

Irrespective of wealth all children should be treated equally.
If a much wealthier sibling decides to help out a less well off one after you are gone then that is up to them.

mrswibblywobbly · 02/01/2023 16:31

I am so sorry your Mum isn’t treating you all equally.
TBH if this happened to my sibling I would be be sharing mine equally with them.
My Mum wanted to leave my daughter more money than her cousins because my daughters Dad isn’t around, I told her although that was very kind it would cause hurt feelings and I rather she didn’t, they are all getting an equal share now.
My point is IMO your Mum is not the only one with the opportunity to make this fair and your siblings should be stepping up to the plate for you.
YANBU x

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2023 16:33

You have my sympathy. Similarish situation here. Its kind of like a primogeniture
feudal misogynistic thing. I don't know how you come to terms with it, sadly I haven't. Discussions have done no good, as Feckless Prodigal Child (and mooching partner) needs it more. Apparently. Flowers

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 02/01/2023 16:36

She has been very clear that the house (the bulk of her assets) is split between DBs. I get nothing. I was there when she was having it valued and those were the words she used to the estate agent

Just when I thought this thread couldn't get any more shocking, this. The decision to disinherit you wasn't enough for your mother, she had to rub your face in it with a complete stranger? This has gone from being horribly unfair and hurtful to downright bloody cruel and wicked in my opinion. I don't know how you make peace with this OP, but I would definitely be distancing myself for a while to think things through. I wish you all the best.

ImBlueDab · 02/01/2023 16:36

Step back from your dm op. I wouldn't have done the running around for her before Xmas either, let her rely on friends or your other siblings, let them fail her if needed. Sometimes it takes the stark realisation of actions to remind people who are there for them. Sounds like you've always been there and she's taking you for granted. It's not about the money, but about being appreciated, and you're not. You need to let her realise this on her own terms, if that means you walk away, then you do that, but only come back when she fully realises this. You also need to come to peace with the fact she's using you.

TheSingingBean · 02/01/2023 16:37

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 16:19

It's her money and she can do with it what she likes.

Why do you feel so entitled to it?

Comments like this are infuriating.

No one is talking about entitlement, and everyone understands that people can dispose of their own money however they like. But you can’t possibly think the OPs mother has acted fairly, wisely or lovingly because she hasn’t.