How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

If you’re having to show your mother your husband payslips to “prove” to her that you don’t have the income she’s been informed you have…. Then the relationship is dead in the water OP!

No way I would leave my mother to struggle in the event of illness / infirm due to old age. I would sort the best possible care for her, using her money. I would also continue to support the wonderful and very regular relationship between my children and her.

She would be invited for christmases and birthday celebrations as normal.

And so on

but in terms of sharing a loving and close relationship with her… no

but would I leave her to fend for herself in this country in old age because I wasn’t receiving an equal share of her inheritance? Absolutely no

You seem to have a sore spot over this dear, try not to put your own situation into someone else’s. OP hasn’t done anything wrong at all.

I’d move. Seriously, I’d move far away so that I wasn’t the poor sod left doing all the running in her old age. I couldn’t get past how unfair and hurtful this is and would make it very clear there’d be much less contact and help going forward, see how your brothers step up. Love her or not, this is just nasty.

I’m sorry. I have no practical advice but that’s awful.

I would t be happy with this. I know my parents will split between my brother and I 50:50 - they would not have it any other way.

However, I suspect that my MIL will leave hers to his 2 sisters and he will get nothing - because this is how it is constantly with her. We get “you earn so much” (we don’t, we probably do in comparison to the sisters though). But one sister chooses to work very part time and has about 1.5 days a week to herself (her kids are in school) - so I don’t think it’s fair that DH would be excluded on that basis as one sister could easily earn more but chooses to have time to herself (MiL always takes them and those grandkids out and pays, pays for their school uniforms etc plus they get holidays paid for - we get nothing and in fact are expected to pay for MiL!)

I don’t think I could come to terms if this was my parents

She's made her choice, but you don't have to continue to support her now you know she sees you as the lesser child.

@MissingYellowzigzags I really think, like everybody else says, you need to cut down contact. If you are seeing her 2-3 times a week, you could easily cut it down noticeably now. I also think you need to have a mantra when she phones to ask you to do something. Something like "since you value my brothers more than me, I think you need to ask them". Or "since you value my brothers more than me, I'm afraid I won't be coming to visit, ask them". Or, "since you value my family more than those of my brothers, my family won't be coming to ..." birthday/Xmas, what have you. And you need to start doing it now. There needs to be consequences to her actions - not hypothetical ones in the future when she may or may not need care. She needs to see that you are hurt now and she won't unless you pull back, and you need to exert the only control you have got to keep some self respect - but with seeing her 2-3 times a week there is a lot of scope to do that. If the only reason you moved close to her was to help her, then maybe you need to think about whether to relocate. As in, if she went under a bus tomorrow, would you and the family move or stay put? If the answer is move, then I think you need to start thinking about doing it now anyway, as though she weren't there. She won't be there forever, in any event, and it might be better psychologically for you to start to distance yourself, and a move might help. Otherwise it will continue to eat you up for so long as you are close to her. The more you see her, the more it will eat you - the best way of getting peace with it is to do other things focussed on the people who are or are likely to stand by you - your DH and your DC and have less an less interaction with her. There is really no other way, painful though it is. You need to protect yourself. And if she objects you just need to keep telling her this is a consequence of what you have done with a simple response.

Uproot her children, school, work, friends, home…. Simply to not be available to your mother?

Would I be upset? Yes

Would I abandon my mother who the OP says she loves very much, in old age with no other family in the county? Heck no

I've always been very much in the camp of "Those who expect nothing won't be disappointed", but it's the different handling of the siblings here which would rankle - she'd almost have done better to leave the whole lot to the cats' home

The only way to "make peace" with this is to face the fact she's made her choice.
However you also have choices, OP, and if it was me one of them would be to tell her straight that she can forget any "expectations" around care

@Roussette..
I haven't spoken to them for years, long before I was told of the will. DM/DF doesn't have a good word to say about sibling either but feel obliged. But truth be told they know they're both a bad lot but feed it as they feel sorry for the, which pretty much anyone with any sence knows isn't the way to go.
They really ooze entitlement on a high level.
Sibling is one of life's (self made) victims and so negative, her imitate family is a car crash yet slates everyone else's.
I'm younger, late 50's and had finally had enough, it really does drag you down after years if it.
Wasn't appreciated as I was at their beck and call so still being slated off to anyone who'll listen.

TBH I'm not in the least bit bothered, not something I think about on a day to day and it wasn't a surprise when I was told, parents know in their hearts that it'll probably all be wasted but that's their choice.

YANBU, OP.

Could you explain to her that if DH leaves you or does then you will have much, much less?

If she won’t budge then I don’t see what else you could except go NC.

Maybe a fee months of NC will show here how valuable you are. And if doesn’t, let the witch die alone.

I’ve seen people have their retirement severely restricted by being around for elderly parents. My mum has made it very clear she would never expect us constantly on hand for her and I’m grateful there’s no pressure. In OP’s circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate to move away, no guilt whatsoever. At the very least I’d be going low contact immediately. And it’s not about the amount of money, it’s the unfairness of it.

FFS, its her money, here choice

But absolutely no where does the OP say her DM has said she expects the OP to care for her in old age nor that she wouldn’t be prepared to use her savings for care!

Did you conveniently miss this post?

i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

Just as it should be OP’s choice to divorce her evil witch mother.

I'm afraid I'm with those who think you need to step back. This is incredibly hurtful and to then expect you to be fine with it and potentially look after her later is outrageous. I think it might be better to have one conversation to explain your point of view and how you feel (I know you’ve already told her) rather than repeatedly saying "Well it's your fault because..." as that will just open up your feelings again and prevent you moving on.

I haven’t rtft but didn’t want to read and dash.

I know children are entitled to part of the estate and can contest it (my step-father had to do this when his step-mum was left everything) so there must be a way to do so legally.

If your mum knew you would contest it, and cause a massive family drama for her boys, on top of a firm ‘you will also be expecting her to pay for her own care’ (eg; you will not be wiping her arse, so to further benefit siblings share) therefore the inheritance will erode quite quickly too - might make her see she’s only storing up problems for the future?

I couldn’t continue a relationship with my mother if she did this. It’s either fair to everyone or it isn’t. I would cut contact completely and be very clear why. As she values your brothers more, then they can be the ones she spends her days with. It’s pretty simple. Why are you allowing this to happen?

@MissingYellowzigzags Did you not correct your mum re: DH’s Salary? If not then I’m staggered as to why as that has solely influenced her decision and it’s incorrect!!!!

I'm another one who thinks you don't get past being told how worthless you are to your own parents, and you take a step back.
The gossip about your husband earnings is a red herring. Your DM chose to listen to that and not to check with you.

I would also feel excluded and hurt. She has a hang up about your DHs income or how you spend it perhaps…? very weird. Unfortunately money makes people do very strange things.

Moving on, just putting one foot in front of the other may be all you can do.

My reaction would be to withdraw with dignity. Im not sure what else you can do really.

Yes, it sounds a bit off. Can I ask how much roughly to how many grandkids? Basically how much are your 2 siblings sharing? If it still leaves a lot then yes I get it, of course. Just wondering whether in her mind the amounts each sibling will get could somehow not be very much?

I would be absolutely gutted too and fucking fuming - what a kick in the tits 🥺
Think I’d have to step away for a good while to get my head around it and “take stock”
I’d really struggle to give the same level of commitment you’ve been giving to your relationship with your Mum