Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@orangetriangle my Dad hasn't had anything to eat or drink all this week but he's still holding on and they said that this part can be hours, days or longer. His breathing has changed today, from regular breaths to holding it/taking deep intakes so I think he's slowly edging towards the end.

I am so sorry for everyone who is going through this at the moment, and sending warmest thoughts and strength to you all. Look after yourselves- eat, and rest as much as you can.

Many many thanks for all the helpful and sensible tips people have posted to deal with the bureaucracy, emotionally and practically. I have put most of it in place already ( including not having the papers in my living space when not immediately needed, and keeping the house warmer than I would normally.)

so sorry to hear you are going through similar Badger
when my dad was dying it was about three days without food and drink
My friends mum lasted 2 weeks without anything at all
I guess you never can tell
so sorry for that everyone is going through it's so stressfulxx

Sending warm thoughts and hugs to orange and badger.

On Saturday I made a start on the dreaded paperwork mountain. It's all now neatly ordered, ( and stored in the study where it's not encroaching on my living space) and I have a clearer idea of what I need to do, and in what sequence - I've planned a route to the summit in other words.

It will take some time, but hopefully the bereavement service at most institutions will be better set up for probate than the Kafka-esque issues I encountered with registering the PoA. Hopefully.

Lots to do today. Drive over there and register the death, go to the funeral directors to discuss the funeral and hopefully set a date, and check out a potential venue I have identified for the wake.

I also need to collect Mum’s stuff from the home, but I will leave that till another day. One of my friends has offered to come with me to do that, and I think I will take her up on it, as I anticipate that will be very hard emotionally, especially given what happened there in the days before her death.

thank you words
sorry you are also going through a difficult time I dread that bit
saw mum today mainly slept and wailed when she woke we offered her some sips of water which she took I dont think she has ate anything today again so far
Just wonder how long this can go on for. No one seems to know or want to say if they do know
I dont think she realises we ate there and can understand what we are saying asked her to squeeze my hand no response
I feel she is trying to say some things in between the wailing but impossible now to understand her
she us also holding water in her mouth at times instead of swallowing which makes her choke
dementia is truly grim

I know my DM can be emotionally manipulative but I still find it very upsetting.

She has lived with my sister & her family for the last 3 years. She is waited on hand & foot by my DSis & my nephews & niece. My sister takes good care of her. I visit twice weekly & take her to appointments, shopping, out for lunch etc.

When I come to go home from visiting her she starts crying and pleading with me not to go home and leave her. I find it very upsetting and difficult, especially as I have just been diagnosed as an insulin dependent diabetic and am using lots of my emotional energy trying to adjust. I havent told my DM about my diabetes - she gets almost hysterical if she gets bad news & was recently taken to A&E because she blacked out. After loads of different tests the A&E doctor put forward "emotional disturbance" as a possible reason. He said it sometimes happens if people get very bad news. The only bad news DM had received was that I wasnt going to visit because i had a doctors appointment. My sis said she got quite worked up about it.

I also find it insulting to my sister & her family who do so much to look after her.

I really don't know what to say when she is pleading & crying.

MissMarple I'm sorry. Has she always been like this?

Bit of news from my end - I am moving. I will be round the corner from mum. It's a much better area, and lord knows I need a new start after the effect lockdown had on my life. It also means I don't have to spend full days and nights at mum's, and when I arrive, I won't have just spent two hours travelling (and that puts me in a bad mood, I'm not one of those people who likes people watching on a train etc).

So I think it's really good news, so to speak. I am conscious that it means mum being in my life every day though, and that will take some adjusting.

I do feel already that the neighbours have too much responsibility for her and there's been a situation with one set suddenly withdrawing. So I am relieved. It's going to be a mindset change though.

@EmmaEmerald sounds like positive news. I hope it works out for you. I understand the adjustment to having her in your life every day, but if it’s anything like my situation, she’s probably on your mind daily anyway so it won’t be that big a leap.

My ultimate aim is to have mum live local to us but am getting nowhere. I know why - Mum doesn’t want me to be in the same situation she was with her mother, not realising she is already dominating mine and DB’s lives as we have to factor in “what about mum” in every situation.

What my mum, and possibly yours, doesn’t realise is that when you live two hours away, you lose whole chunks of your life trying to care at that distance. I am spending no less mental energy on mum’s issues just because I’m 100 miles away. It’s my belief that having her local would mean that I could pop in daily and spend a quality 30 minutes with her, and then get on with the rest of my day/life. Rather than travelling, rushing around like a mad thing cramming a weeks worth of chores into one day or weekend, getting home exhausted and then having to face a new week at work. And actually not spending very much time with her at all. So being local would mean that rather than losing an hour a day to visiting/running errands, it would be more like gaining 23 hours a day.

fingers crossed for you that it makes a difference and you can build a life for you as well. How easy will it be for you to fix boundaries with her so that you’re not just “on call”?

Does anyone have experience of assessment or memory tests when the person is flatly refusing to engage with any medical professionals but it's now getting to the point where the memory loss is having a very negative impact on the person's ability to live their life and impacting my dad badly as well?

funnel

Completely understand why you want your mum closer to you. What does it mean for her local metworks though?

I definitely think it will give me more time. Things have varied with mum's health, but when her health is poor, it's spending days there without being able to pop home. Since her stroke, half my stuff is there...but I'm still often carrying a bag on the train etc. I particularly hate carrying a laptop around.

Also sometimes she can't explain what she needs help with on the phone, or perhaps I'm just crap at understanding. So as well as removing at least 8 hours travel time per week, it hopefully removes a lot of the time I spend trying to configure what she said, and also the time it takes me to de-stress from the journey.

Re being on call, I hope she doesn't become the person who says "Something's wrong with the TV, can you pop in", especially as she will know when I'm next in and it will be easy.

I think I am going to try every other day at the start.

Morning all.

orange

Just checking in. Monday was very hard - undertakers, reg of death, etc and involved a lot of stressful driving to multiple locations around Horrid Town. I have never been anywhere with so very many complicated roundabouts, where you get in the wrong lane and you're stuffed. Made worse by hosts of impatient drivers.

Although I was born there, we moved away at ten, so I have no clear mental map of the place, which has anyway changed beyond recognition. Thank goodness for satnav.

I had a bit of a meltdown on Monday evening as a result, which was inevitable I think as I've been going at full,pelt.

So yesterday I took a day off apart from a couple of non stress calls, rested and ate delicious things and slept for over nine hours.

Back at it again today- sorting the wake venue at Horrid Town and taking death certificates to her current account bank which is admin so hopefully not too upsetting. I've confirmed you can just walk in and do this without an appointment ( natWest) . Also the bank will release funds from the frozen account to pay for the funeral. I just have to take the bill in.

Thursday I am meeting the minister. Haven't decided whether to do the eulogy myself or leave it to him. Leaning towards the latter. Also possibly collecting her things from the home depending on how I am feeling, as both those in same village and I won't have to go near Horrid Town.

I need to be back at work on Monday, then the funeral on Weds, then it's probate.

I thought I would be permitted a little more compassionate leave - today is apparently my last day - but they were very flexible in the lead up to her death so I can't complain. I could take some more annual leave ( unfortunately I don't have much of a reserve though) or even sick leave but I don't want to do that particularly. I wfh largely so hoping it won't be too bad.

thank you words
thinking of you at this very stressful time
mum much the same I am thinking this could go on for a couple of weeks yet no one seems to know
2 mouthfuls of semolina yesterday and some juice

Thanks, @Words . Reading with great interest as I’m expecting to have to do all this at least once in the next couple of years. You’ve already answered my question about funeral expenses, I knew in theory that was what happened, but good to know it works in practice

@EmmaEmerald having a routine and fixed days/times sounds like a good plan.

Hope your day isn't too rough. I'm lucky that my boss was very understanding when dad died and just said to drop him a text and leave my laptop if I needed too. His mum died a few days before dad so we were having similar trials.
Thanks for the info re funeral costs. MIL is with NatWest and DH found them difficult over the POA so that's reassuring.

Hello everyone, cockroach all, and warm thoughts, and to all who need them.

Yesterday was so much better. The ice has been replaced by thick fog, and I still got lost in the dystopian hinterland of Horrid Town, but it didn't matter so much somehow this time. Natwest very efficient. Hotel now booked for afterwards.

Alongside the government'Tell us Once' service there is a similar thing for some ( not all) banks called the death notification service. You register with them, they then contact the individual institutions who then contact you to tell you what to do next, because as we know, each place has slightly different requirements. I won't be using this myself but I thought I would mention it for anyone's future reference.

Today it's the minister about the service, and the home if I feel up to it. I have decided on the music and the hymns, and am going to insist on King James's Bible, as the language is so beautiful. I will probably leave the minister to do the eulogy.

My lovely Dad slipped away quietly yesterday, minutes after I'd left him. I went straight back and sat with him afterwards as I think I needed to see him to know he'd gone. A savage end for a quiet and gentle man.

I can't believe how bleak everything feels today.

I8m so sorry, badger

Hi, newbie here, although have been reading the words of wisdom shared on these pages and forum for a while. DF has been relatively ‘independent’ up until the last few months, this has been fine whilst he could manage (in a limited way), but a recent hospitalisation has led to a rapid decline in mobility and now a fall this week. He lives alone with no support and up until now has been very resistant in asking for or acknowledging that he needs help. I live at the other end of the country from him and my sibling is overseas and the constant worry / emergency visits home are taking their toll. I have school aged children so I can’t stay with DF indefinitely. The discharge support from hospital was minimal and DF downplayed needing any assistance so he was discharged from them and now can barely get up the stairs and I am very worried about another fall. I will get onto social services on Monday, but worried about how long it could possibly take to get an assessment done and how we’re going to manage in the meantime.

Sorry to all of you going through challenges, it really is so tough.

I’m sorry @Badger1970 for your loss.

@Badger1970 so sorry, sending love and best wishes.

@DahliasDelight it depends very much on your local area I think. Was speaking to a friend this week who was dealing with an elderly relative just discharged from hospital and not coping. They got a same day visit from the care assessors and by the evening was in a respite care home. I think the key is to emphasise your concerns about an unsafe discharge from hospital and the fall risk. Does your dads local authority have an out of hours number for the adult social services - do you have to wait until Monday? Also, how long is it since he came out of hospital, is there any paperwork with support phone numbers in there?

Oh @Badger1970. I'm so sorry.

@DahliasDelight I agree, call now. There should be a duty desk 7 days a week. Admittedly if there's no immediate crisis they may bump it, but at least you've started the process.

Would he wear a pendant alarm, did they get that in place at least?

@Badger1970 So sorry to read this. Sending you condolences. Be very kind to yourself, you must be exhausted.

So sorry to read your news, Badger. We're never ready for the end, even when we expect it, not really.