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Elderly parents

Tired of paying MIL bills

149 replies

Meklk · 02/04/2022 19:46

Sorry for my English, I'm not British but I really like this website and looking for advice...
We renting a house in London together with my father in law. So there were 3 adults (FIL, husband,me) and one child (my son) .
We never had any issues, I really like my father in law, he helped us with childcare in the past, very nice and friendly guy. I was all the time cooking for all of us, cleaning, helping him with laundry,etc.
My mother in law used to live in other country. And January, 2022 she decided she wants to live in UK, together with us. I was happy that my son will spend more time with his grandparents, my husband missed his mother too.
But... That women is like 5 extra persons in house- she showering minimum 3 times a day, using dishwasher with 2 dirty plates after every single meal, washing machine and thumbler dryer working NON STOP 24/7. Every single night I'm waking from heat,she put thermostat on 25 degrees. I just got the bill for gas and electricity and almost fainted.
My husband tried to spoke with her that we still sharing all the costs between him, his father and me and it's quite tough to be honest, we pay for childcare until September, I have reduced hours because my illness.
She was soooo upset, she was crying all evening that we don't respect her,that she is too old to work (she is 53). It was very polite conversation, I even offered to try some "saving' ideas,like wash our work uniforms together, etc.She said she worked enough in her life and doesn't want to feel cold or keep dirty clothes in laundry basket.
I still trying to be nice with everyone but this situation drives me crazy. I'm going to work with terrible pains ( I'm cleaner and have arthritis) and have to spend all money for bills. I would better buy my son some toys rather than pay massive bills.
Should I try to speak with her? Or leave it for my husband?

OP posts:

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DollyPartBaked · 02/04/2022 19:48

could you speak to your father in law? He will notice the bill increase as well. 53 is not old!

SpacePotato · 02/04/2022 19:52

Why the hell does she need 3 showers a day?
If she wants to wash 2 plates why can't she rinse them in the sink?
How can she have that many clothes to wash?

WaterBottle123 · 02/04/2022 19:54

Can the early 50's parents not just live in their own house?

Meklk · 02/04/2022 19:56

My father in law is very ''soft" person, he will agree with every single idea she will tell him. He was quite upset too TBH, but I can't believe that they don't want to admit that we can't afford these amount of bills....

OP posts:

brainhurts · 02/04/2022 19:57

I would try to speak to her . Explain it costs too much money , only use dish washer when it's a full load ( can't she hand wash two plates ) same with the washing machine. Why does she shower 3 times a day .
She needs to understand it's not personal to her , everyone's bills are going up and if she pushes them up you might not be able to afford the house .
Can she contribute to the bills ? Does she realise how much they are . She's still young she can look for a job .

Meklk · 02/04/2022 19:57

We don't own houses in UK, we have houses abroad.

OP posts:

Meklk · 02/04/2022 20:00

She doesn't have any income, she is not even able to claim benefits in UK as then she is required to work at least few hours per week. She had a Settled status before Covid, then spent 4 years abroad (didn't work, her husband used to send her money).

OP posts:

woodhill · 02/04/2022 20:02

She's 53, if she wants to live in the UK and use services such as NHS then she needs to pay her way imo

She is sponging off you OP, FIL should pay those bills if he hasn't the backbone to stop her being so wasteful

Saltyquiche · 02/04/2022 20:05

Arrange to split all the bills 4 ways, explain to her that she will only need to work is art time to cover her share of the costs. 53 is middle aged.

brainhurts · 02/04/2022 20:11

You might have to explain to your FIL you simply can't afford the higher bills . If he used to send her money can he use this to pay her share of the bills

LittleOwl153 · 02/04/2022 20:13

At the very least you/dh pay half pil pay half. I don't see why you should support her when she isncapable of earning. If he husband wants to / can afford to that's up to him.

In terms of the bills, make a calculation based on last year what you'd expect the bill to be and explain that you and dh will.pay that amount but they will need to contribute more if she needs to live the way she does as you cannot afford it and will not let ds suffer.

However I think realistically this is not going to work out for you and you need to find a home for just you/dh/ds and leave them to it.

Meklk · 02/04/2022 20:14

She completely ignoring any advices to find at least part-time job. We even offered her to look after our son while I was doing extra shifts in the evening(and we would pay her nursery's amount). She said our son is too active and she is too old to babysit.
I really don't understand why she came back to UK....

OP posts:

woodhill · 02/04/2022 20:15

She's my age and I work 4 days a week.

Why is she so selfish and lazy

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2022 20:16

If you and DH aren't going to put your feet down and if Fil isn't going to speak to her about her excessive use of the household utilities and conveniences, then he can pay for her.

You and DH pay 1/3, FiL pays 2/3 of the household expenses.

PermanentTemporary · 02/04/2022 20:19

You need to respond with tears of your own. I'm about to turn 53 and I'm working full time FFS. Tears and shouting from you...

Butterfly44 · 02/04/2022 20:20

FIL maybe soft but once you give him the bill and tell him to pay he'll soon change his mind.
This needs to stop. It's your names on the housing contract I assume - so you make the rules. Make a list and pin to the wall if you need to. If she doesn't stick to it she's out.
53 is not old 😂😂 She sounds selfish and not much interested in being a grandparent either.

Meklk · 02/04/2022 20:24

Sometimes I'm thinking maybe I'm too dirty or what, but I don't think that's normal, for example:
Today:
*She had shower 8am, around 15mins
*She put one towel and underwear for 3hrs washing
*She cooked something around 11am, put on dishwasher (one pan, one plate, one fork),had shower again
*Again one towel for washing
*5pm one more shower and third towel with leggings and t-shirts to wash
*Around 6pm she made some sandwiches and just put one tea towel for wash
And it's bloody just 8 pm...
I'm pretty sure it will be one more load for washing and dishwasher on..

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 02/04/2022 20:26

Turn them off!

BritishDesiGirl · 02/04/2022 20:27

It sounds like she has OCD, that is definitely extreme and ridiculous giving the current situation with the gas and electric.

woodhill · 02/04/2022 20:28

Don't have it. Tell her not to do this,anymore How did she manage in her old house

We have an environmental crisis as well

RandomNumb3rs · 02/04/2022 20:29

53! She needs to get a job! No reason she can’t be working full time, and she definitely needs to be contributing. What on earth would make her think she can just sponge off you?

Too old to have to work, must be warm and with clean clothes and plates . I’m sure a lot of people would love to think the same way!

LittleOwl153 · 02/04/2022 20:36

She puts the washing machine on with 1 tea towel in it.... I'd have switched it off. I probably would have done with the 1 towel too - especially if it was a her 2nd/3rd load of the day....

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Decorhate · 02/04/2022 20:37

That usage of the dishwasher & washing machine is ridiculous. Did she have those appliances when she lived abroad? Just wondering that if not maybe it’s the novelty factor! I’d be tempted to remove the plugs when I was out of the house!

Tell her that she must only turn them on when full & if she can’t bring herself to wait then she must wash by hand only.

Unless she has health issues she is taking advantage saying she can’t work. I’m several years older & work full time.

Meklk · 02/04/2022 20:38

The main reason she thinks she is not able to work anymore-she had cancer 5 years ago. Thanks God doctors spotted it at early stage, did surgery, she was completely fine . She is still fine, no cancer. She was trying to get some disability payment/benefits but doctors said she should be happy and enjoy life not to claim she is still sick.
I completely understand she might not be able to/doesn't want full time, but lots of people offered her part time jobs, even my husband offered her £11/h for printing labels. Then we offered to look after our son, her friend asked her to drop her daughter to school, etc. She said no.

OP posts:

RandomNumb3rs · 02/04/2022 20:39

Is there a reason you can’t just tell her no? (Genuine question - there may well be a reason, cultural, emotional etc)

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