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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

988 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/03/2022 08:54

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
ChiswickFlo · 05/04/2022 19:35

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

That is so sad. We have a whole raft of people who would Grandma sit if only mum could come - my friend even suggested doing a dry run beforehand to see if we could take her out and about but she has deteriorated too much.

And we have just heard that there is a Covid outbreak in the nursing home. Mum is currently one of 12 residents being tested with symptoms - sore throat and a cough - after two confirmed cases at the weekend.

Sorry to hear that x

My cousins daughter and new husband did what your dd is doing for simular reasons and it was lovely x

countrygirl99 · 05/04/2022 19:39

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere fingers crossed for your mum.

Email pulling out has been sent. I just said due to unforseen circumstances which is true because we couldn't forsee that mum wouldn't be invited but given the timing it wouldn't take much intelligence to work out.

Fantasea · 05/04/2022 21:13

@ChiswickFlo thank you Xx. Silly me, I presumed you lived the closest! Thinking of you tomorrow evening and hope it goes well Xx.

ChiswickFlo · 05/04/2022 21:15

[quote Fantasea]@ChiswickFlo thank you Xx. Silly me, I presumed you lived the closest! Thinking of you tomorrow evening and hope it goes well Xx.[/quote]
Thank you x

Knotaknitter · 06/04/2022 08:34

@countrygirl99 They can't really complain, if they were genuinely tight on numbers then it just got easier for them. I'd pay to not attend a nephew's wedding so I am biased on this one.

The golden brother who can do no wrong, whose absence is always excused is now beyond redemption. It's been so long it's not funny and I go out of my way not to mention him. Not a visit, letter, card or phone call since she went into the home six months ago. I did consider whether SIL had not told him of the move out of spite but she said she sent him a text. That tells you all you need to know about what a close family they are.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere MIL had covid just after Christmas. She was confined to her room and mad as hell but not actually ill, they only way they knew was because they tested everyone. I hope that your mum's experience is similarly uneventful.

Knotaknitter · 06/04/2022 10:13

@ChiswickFlo There have been times when I've been glad that I'm an only child because then I'm not being let down by people who are supposedly there for me. When it comes to discharge maybe assume that going forward your siblings will do what they've always done and then be realistic about what you can do. Carer burnout is a real thing, if you can get some professional support with daily care then it gives you more space to be a daughter and do the hospital appointments.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 10:34

[quote Knotaknitter]@ChiswickFlo There have been times when I've been glad that I'm an only child because then I'm not being let down by people who are supposedly there for me. When it comes to discharge maybe assume that going forward your siblings will do what they've always done and then be realistic about what you can do. Carer burnout is a real thing, if you can get some professional support with daily care then it gives you more space to be a daughter and do the hospital appointments.[/quote]
I'll see how tonight goes...😬
No carers to be had locally so that's a non starter
And despite how ill she is she will be slung out on Friday afternoon/evening like last time and I won't be there to advocate or prevent it.
I'd sourced a toilet frame and fold up wheelchair
She'll be thrilled 🤣🤣

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 11:23

So, sister is ill so meeting not happening today.

I'm not sure if I should just put it all in an e mail?

Not something we can do once mums home.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 06/04/2022 12:29

@ChiswickFlo I’m not sure I’d waste the energy on them. Strong words with the complex needs discharge team or adult social services might produce more results?

They will naturally go for the easiest option for them (ie you). You need to make it clear what your boundaries are. I know this is easier said than done, but ask yourself what would happen if everyone didn’t have you to fall back on?

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 12:59

Yes.
Exactly.
They'll boot mim out on Friday. I know they will. (They did last august)
She has capacity so nothing I can do

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 06/04/2022 13:39

The phrase I learned that save my sanity was "Unsafe Discharge". If you feel there is a risk to her at home make sure the discharge team know exactly what support there is at home - make sure they understand that you will not be taking up the slack for them.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 14:18

I will

Fantasea · 06/04/2022 15:06

@ChiswickFlo, sorry to hear that your meeting isn't happening, that must be so frustrating for you. If it were me, I would put it in an e-mail, just to get it off my chest if nothing else.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere such good advice. During one of my hospital stays I was on a ward (as there was no space elsewhere) with many elderly ladies, most whom had had falls. They came in for the night, got patched up and then were discharged home for it to happen again. I was aghast at the time but my time on this board has taught me how common this is.

countrygirl99 · 06/04/2022 16:43

Mum is going to the wedding 😊.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 16:51

@countrygirl99

Mum is going to the wedding 😊.
Great news
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 06/04/2022 17:17

@countrygirl99 Great news! So pleased for her. And for you. No one is going to be embarrassed/annoyed by an elderly lady who needs support. I'm so glad that they have seen sense.

Fantasea · 06/04/2022 17:27

@countrygirl99 great news, you must be so pleased!

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 17:44

Well....e mail sent! 😬
Let the shitfest begin...💩

Mum was sat in a chair today but seemed a bit confused a couple of times.

I'm so tired 😫

countrygirl99 · 06/04/2022 17:45

DB1 was very defensive. The invites were sent out when dad wax around and too frail to go and mum wouldn't have wanted to leave him etc. & nobody would want to look after her anyway. Typical of him that he thinks he knows what other people want/is best for them better than they do themselves. So DB2 has given up his space and we are taking her.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 17:52

I know what their replies will be...
They won't give up part of a day each weekend. I know they won't.
So that's awkward.
I'll have to tell mum that she'll have to phone them in an emergency....?
And tbh mum will probably support them in that attitude
Sigh

OnthePiste · 06/04/2022 18:20

Great news @countrygirl99 so pleased for you and DM.

Well I got the much awaited call today to say that funding had been approved for DM's respite care at the CH I chose and she would be going tomorrow. Then this afternoon I got another call from the ward to say that someone had tested positive so the ward is now in isolation for 5 days! So gutted for mum, no visitors, nothing to do..she's bored stiff. I've sent a pile of magazines and papers in but not really sure she takes it in anymore. Such a shame.. just got to hope she remains negative now.

Lightuptheroom · 06/04/2022 18:24

Hi, I seem to have joined the 'bad daughter club' after my mum decided to try and attack my dad at the weekend. We've witnessed for a while that her language towards him was getting more and more aggressive and that she was starting to use the same language in front of friends (this always involves a lot of swearing when she would never swear previously) anyway, Sunday she tried to punch him. I took him to my sister's but he wouldn't stay there. He returned home and she continues the very aggressive language. What on earth can we do? He's physically disabled but doesn't require help with personal care. At the moment anything he does winds her up massively and she keeps saying she's not looking after him anymore. She told me on Sunday that I could take him away permanently as she was getting a job and he could go into a home! Along with many expletives.
We've managed to get her a Dr's appointment, but not until next week and it's very unlikely that she would agree to anyone going with her as apparently we all want to see her in the 'funny farm' the GP won't discuss anything with us at all.
I'm terrified that we're going to get a phone call that she's attacked him... What can we do? I'm 3 hours away, sister is 2 hours away, brothers are very much of the golden child chocolate teapot variety... Just where do we turn from here?

Onewildandpreciouslife · 06/04/2022 18:41

@LightuptheroomI’m so sorry you find yourself in this position. I’d start by calling adult social services in the area and telling them you’re concerned about a vulnerable adult.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 06/04/2022 18:42

Ie DF, not DM!

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 18:48

@Lightuptheroom

Hi, I seem to have joined the 'bad daughter club' after my mum decided to try and attack my dad at the weekend. We've witnessed for a while that her language towards him was getting more and more aggressive and that she was starting to use the same language in front of friends (this always involves a lot of swearing when she would never swear previously) anyway, Sunday she tried to punch him. I took him to my sister's but he wouldn't stay there. He returned home and she continues the very aggressive language. What on earth can we do? He's physically disabled but doesn't require help with personal care. At the moment anything he does winds her up massively and she keeps saying she's not looking after him anymore. She told me on Sunday that I could take him away permanently as she was getting a job and he could go into a home! Along with many expletives. We've managed to get her a Dr's appointment, but not until next week and it's very unlikely that she would agree to anyone going with her as apparently we all want to see her in the 'funny farm' the GP won't discuss anything with us at all. I'm terrified that we're going to get a phone call that she's attacked him... What can we do? I'm 3 hours away, sister is 2 hours away, brothers are very much of the golden child chocolate teapot variety... Just where do we turn from here?
Oh gawd What an awful situation I agree re: adult SS