Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thanks
Tbh I'm not sure they fully cured it last August...
Anyway she seems more with it today
She will never criticise my siblings so...🤷‍♀️

@ChiswickFlo how are you feeling today? Hope you've managed/will manage to get some rest.

My last all nighter in A & E was 2.5 years ago and the thought still makes me shudder.

I'm sorry your sibs are useless...sometimes I'm relieved I'm only child dealing with olds tbh.

Hi @VeryMuchFlaggingMinty
I'm just exhausted tbh
It was really awful and distressing
I was at a&e from 4pm Saturday to 7am Sunday
Then back from 1-3pm Sunday
Then back for a 1 hour visiting slot yesterday 1-2pm
My sister is going in today
My brother is "sorting something out" apparently for later in the week 🙄
I think I need to clarify my position with mums care now...
As they both work in the week (as do I but it's pt and voluntary so obv doesnt count ..) maybe I could suggest I do all the weekdays and they sort the weekends between them?
Does that sound OK?
They'd be doing 1 day per week each compared to my 5?

Ugh
I hate this

The only reason I'm not going today is that ds2 has a school performance this afternoon then parents evening later...

I doubt my brother will be talking to me after yesterday...
WhatsApp convo:
Me: I can't go and seem mum tomorrow as I have appointments
(Give visiting info 1-7pm book a slot, negative lft needed etc )
Can one of you go?

B: wife doesn't get home til 5
Me: visiting is til 7
B: wife is out tuesday and Wednesday evening
Me: OK can you do Thursday?
B: I have to work around wife and daughter so don't know
!!!!!?
Sister finally replies and is going to "try" and go today
🤷‍♀️
Just excuses...
I text my sister to ask of she could come to a&e and relieve me for a couple of hours ad the vending machines were all empty and Costa and M&s had closed and I hadn't eaten...
She felt "ill" apparently

@ChiswickFlo I know it’s hard and I don’t know the details of your relationship with your siblings. I have some siblings who are similarly rubbish, but for various reasons don’t feel I am responsible at all for their relationship with my parents.

I think, as an outsider, I would advise you to decide what you can do with regards to care. And be very careful to make sure that is only what you can do, and not what you think you should do in the absence of anyone else.

Then, and hard as it is, you communicate to your siblings and your mum what you will be doing, and you leave them to make their own decisions as to whether they step up or not. And if they don’t, you don’t make excuses for them to your mum. Their relationship with her is their responsibility, not yours.

That may mean your mum is left without visitors some of the time when you cannot be there. And that is hard. But you have your life to live, your own responsibilities, and your health, physical and mental, to consider. Again, making assumptions about your relationship with your mum, as a mother myself I would not want to watch my children destroy themselves in an effort to ‘save’ me in my final days. Your siblings may not step up, but if they don’t, you still need to eat (using the example at the hospital).

Big hugs.

@OhPleaseJustLast
Thank you for your lovely very sensible post.
You are quite right.
But because I only work pt and voluntarily I am seem as expendable it seems?
I have a dh, 2 dc and my own health issues and my dh works away at times which makes me the sole parent during that time.
Yet I'm still expected to do it all.
It was the same after dad died.
I'm just so tired.
I've asked to meet them at mums flat prior to her discharge to discuss what I'm prepared to do going forward.
No replies thus far....

Dh brought me a banana and some biscuits 😋

It sounds to me like you need to assume they won’t be doing anything, and make sure that the hospital makes arrangements for appropriate care from social services prior to her discharge. It doesn’t have to be your responsibility to look after your mum when she is discharged from hospital. Visit her, bring her gifts, help her as much as you want to, and can, as her daughter- but if she is only able to go home on the assumption you are caring for her, that doesn’t have to be your responsibility any more than it is your siblings.

It sounds like you have been doing a lot for your mum. I know, having been in that situation, that it’s easy to tell yourself that you have no choice. But you do. It’s not an easy choice, but you can choose not to. And it’s ok to choose not to break. Your dh, your children, and your mum need you to be well, not broken.

Right now, your siblings are choosing not to do very much at all. They are probably telling themselves they don’t have to, because you are doing it all. If you set boundaries about what you can and can’t do, they may well find they have more time after all. Or they might not. You can’t make them, unfortunately - but they also can’t make you.

I personally wouldn’t be discussing anything with them. I’d just be telling them.

Atm she's pretty independent in the sense she lives alone in a ground floor flat in sheltered accommodation. Has been there for 18 months now.
But I have to take her anywhere she needs to go, she can't walk that far and her health is really declining now.
I've done 18 hospital, Drs and blood test appointments since mid December to mid March :( (in fact I've had to cancel 3 appointments this week as she's in hospital).
I'm not sure my siblings accept that her health is declining but then again they dont spend a lot of time with her.
The tricky thing is that I do get carers allowance as I had to give up my pt job to care for mum so may need to stop that...
My sister is a difficult person and ultimately a very unhappy one. She finds mum difficult (like I don't!??)
My brother is the "golden child"
Always has been
And he's fucking useless

Yes, I will be telling them.
I can't go on like this.

My brother phones her for 2 minutes during his work break each day and I'm amazed she hasn't erected a statue in his honour

Hi everyone, I really feel for all of you, some episodes are very familiar but being a live in carer for MIL was more psychologically gruelling due to her being very controlling, OCD and appalling hygiene, both personal and in the home.
A book made it easier to understand/bear :- The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring by Hugh Marriott. I found it practical, supportive and amusing, he was a carer himself.
I have it on my kindle/mobile, which was easier to read discretely. Another book I've recently found is :- What I Wish People Knew about Dementia From Someone Who Knows by Wendy Mitchell. I don't yet have anyone close with Dementia/Alzheimers, but the article in The Oldie was just so riveting and insightful that I've now got it on my kindle/mobile too in readiness for the future.
Sending everyone cream teas/+- champagne all round.x

Absolutely fuming (in true mimsnet style!) with DB1 and his DS today. Nephew is getting married, apparently mum isn't invited. They told DB2 it's numbers due to cost but I'm sure it's because they don't want to be embarrassed by someone with dementia. DB2 only found out by accident otherwise we wouldn't have known and we would have been talking about it to her beforehand, she loves a wedding and god knows we need conversation topics. She will be devastated and she and dad used to look after DBs children after school a lot. Trying to work out how best to approach this because I'm not prepared to tell mum I'm going and upset her and I'm not prepared to lie about what I'm doing that weekend either.

@countrygirl99

Absolutely fuming (in true mimsnet style!) with DB1 and his DS today. Nephew is getting married, apparently mum isn't invited. They told DB2 it's numbers due to cost but I'm sure it's because they don't want to be embarrassed by someone with dementia. DB2 only found out by accident otherwise we wouldn't have known and we would have been talking about it to her beforehand, she loves a wedding and god knows we need conversation topics. She will be devastated and she and dad used to look after DBs children after school a lot. Trying to work out how best to approach this because I'm not prepared to tell mum I'm going and upset her and I'm not prepared to lie about what I'm doing that weekend either.

Oh, that's such shitty behaviour! I'm sorry.

@countrygirl99 that is awful. I hope your DB has strong words with his son, you do not leave out grandparents, dementia or not!

@ChiswickFlo sorry your siblings are being so crap, I really hope they step up and you get a break.

DM is still in hospital, 2 weeks since her fall. She has been medically cleared for discharge but it is taking an age for the referral to go though to the care home where she will be having respite care. She's actually looking forward to it (she says anything to get off the ward) so I'm really hoping she settles there and we can look at making it permanent. I chose the home, it is semi rural with a stunning garden and her room overlooks the countryside. It had a lovely homely feel to it and is privately owned. Not super swish like some around but I think she will like it. She will have 4-6 weeks paid for by the NHS IF they ever get around to approving the placement! It is so frustrating, I feel in complete limbo. The CH have been lovely and kept the room for her. Hoping something happens tomorrow.

@ChiswickFlo my golden sister phones Mum on her morning dog walk so that's her all done and dusted for the day. Mum lives independently and thinks the sun shines from her even though she hasn't made the hour's journey to visit for months, constantly making excuses for her, she has a job (pt) and children and is just so so busy all the time. I totally get what you mean about being the 'expendable' one, this is how I feel. I live round the corner so am Mum's shopper, driver, secretary, computer-fixer, workmen finder, therapist and general punchbag and it thoroughly gets me down. What really hurts is that although I'm on chemotherapy, my sister is perfectly at peace with me shouldering it alone. My treatment means that I'm CEV and so can't go to cafes and restaurants, even though I've got 'loads of time as I don't WORK' get Mum uses this as another stick to beat me with. The ladies on here have given me the strength to restrict my contact with her to the days of my choosing and often she's on her own all day and often reminds me that she 'hasn't spoken to anyone since xxxx' but my sister could take her out occasionally but chooses not to. I really feel for you with your DM, it isn't fair at all and you can't do everything, yet somehow everyone thinks you can and are totally fine with that. Sending hugs .

@gelert5619 thank you for the book suggestion, I've been looking for a book like this for ages, so I'll order one later. My DM also has appalling hygiene, she does no housework that I can see, her food hygiene has always been shocking and she often has food-stained clothes. I only use the bathroom in a dire emergency, then wipe my hands on my trousers in preference to one of her towels and don't get me started on her tea-towels omg. I help her with grocery shopping and really struggle with how she can make the 6 pack of loo rolls she bought before Christmas last until now and still counting, it doesn't bear thinking about.

@countrygirl99 oh dear, that's awful, how upsetting for you Xx

@countrygirl99 that’s dreadful, I’m sorry. And just generally dreadful wedding etiquette, IMO! You don’t not invite grandparents, unless the wedding is truly tiny and informal. Cousins, even aunts and uncles, should all go from the list before grandparents do.

[quote Fantasea]@ChiswickFlo my golden sister phones Mum on her morning dog walk so that's her all done and dusted for the day. Mum lives independently and thinks the sun shines from her even though she hasn't made the hour's journey to visit for months, constantly making excuses for her, she has a job (pt) and children and is just so so busy all the time. I totally get what you mean about being the 'expendable' one, this is how I feel. I live round the corner so am Mum's shopper, driver, secretary, computer-fixer, workmen finder, therapist and general punchbag and it thoroughly gets me down. What really hurts is that although I'm on chemotherapy, my sister is perfectly at peace with me shouldering it alone. My treatment means that I'm CEV and so can't go to cafes and restaurants, even though I've got 'loads of time as I don't WORK' get Mum uses this as another stick to beat me with. The ladies on here have given me the strength to restrict my contact with her to the days of my choosing and often she's on her own all day and often reminds me that she 'hasn't spoken to anyone since xxxx' but my sister could take her out occasionally but chooses not to. I really feel for you with your DM, it isn't fair at all and you can't do everything, yet somehow everyone thinks you can and are totally fine with that. Sending hugs .

@gelert5619 thank you for the book suggestion, I've been looking for a book like this for ages, so I'll order one later. My DM also has appalling hygiene, she does no housework that I can see, her food hygiene has always been shocking and she often has food-stained clothes. I only use the bathroom in a dire emergency, then wipe my hands on my trousers in preference to one of her towels and don't get me started on her tea-towels omg. I help her with grocery shopping and really struggle with how she can make the 6 pack of loo rolls she bought before Christmas last until now and still counting, it doesn't bear thinking about.

@countrygirl99 oh dear, that's awful, how upsetting for you Xx[/quote]
That's so crap, I'm sorry x
The laugh is my siblings live over yo her than I do!
Please please concentrate on your own health and recovery x

Closer to her

I'm meeting with them tomorrow evening...
That'll be fun

@gelert5619 that book is brilliant. It is written with so much compassion whilst still expressing the stresses we have. I was hooked from the start when he wrote about trying to get his "piglet" into her seat in the cinema.

@Countrygirl99 that is so sad. We know my mum won't be able to get to my daughter's wedding next year - doubly incontinent, needs a hoist to move her etc - but my daughter desperately wants Gma to see her in her wedding dress so the plan is at the moment that she and her fiance (or husband as he will be by then of course) will visit her after the honeymoon with her in her wedding dress and will take cake and sparkling fruit juice and we will tell mum that as she could not come to the church the reception has come to her. She won't know the date so she won't realise that she has missed it. She has always said that she wants to live to see all her grandchildren married and it breaks my daughter's heart to know that her Grandma won't be in the church.

Decision made. DB1 is onboard with not inviting mum so DB2 and I are not going. It puts us in an impossible position with mum if we do. If we aren't going we don't need to mention it and we don't need to lie about what we are doing that weekend. All mum would do is bore people to death telling them.thd same story over and over again and they could have put her on a table with me and DB2.

That is so sad. We have a whole raft of people who would Grandma sit if only mum could come - my friend even suggested doing a dry run beforehand to see if we could take her out and about but she has deteriorated too much.

And we have just heard that there is a Covid outbreak in the nursing home. Mum is currently one of 12 residents being tested with symptoms - sore throat and a cough - after two confirmed cases at the weekend.