Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

We didn't have a golden sibling. My mum had 3 children. The eldest one who moved to another country decades ago so has never provided any elder care. My brother who has autism and LDs, so needed a carer himself, and then me, who has been the default carer. (Still getting used to saying I 'was' mum's carer). I think I would have been incandescent with rage if my eldest sibling had lived close by and not done her share over the years. It would have made me down tools

Booked mum's funeral yesterday. Direct cremation. Nice and simple.

I'm new here, hello! I'm happy to have found this thread.

My DF, 86, lives with me and DH. He's able to look after himself quite well and we have a good relationship.

Trouble is, my marriage isn't making me happy and I'd really like to leave, but my DF is very happy with the current arrangement and would be terribly disappointed if it came to an end.

I feel awful even thinking it, but it's like I'm stuck here until my DF dies.

New outfit

Stayed at mums last night...we literally start bitching and sniping at one another the minute I set foot in the house.

DD came and stayed last night as didn't want to be on her own. Mum keeps grilling us about the accident and asking why S is not herself and why I'm so uptight, the looks pathetic and comes out with 'oh, I wish there was something I could do to help...'

Woke up this morning to no hot water and cold only from the kitchen tap.

She had a new tank put in a few weeks ago and have tried both guys involved with that but no answer. Tried her former regular guy who understandably won't touch it.

She keeps wanging on about how he asked for her email address but she's going between her phone and PC and can't seem to tell the difference between text, Messenger, email, WhatsApp etc.

I am desperate to get home, spend some time with DD and decompress (and take the last f*in parcel to the drop off point).

Aaaarghhh!

@kennelmaid

Welcome.

I would suggest you do what you need to do for yourself.

At one point I thought I would stay put in my unhappy marriage until The Olds shuffled off, thus negating the need for wearisome financial wrangling with the ex.

They were well in their 70s at the time and virtually no-one in our family has made it past 80.

Circumstances forced my hand and here I am nearly 6 years later, having swapped a controlling H for a controlling M who at almost 83 is still for the most part, fighting (literally) fit.

Oh Minty 😞.

@kennelmaid. Put yourself first with this situation. As everyone on here will tell you, when you're putting the happiness of a parent above your own you think. 'it won't be for much longer now, then I can get to live my own life... I owe it to them to make their last years happy...'

and the years go on, and another Christmas comes and goes, and you are still stuck in the same situation putting other people ahead of yourself..

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty thank you for the welcome.

It's hard. Honestly, I don't even want to have to take my DF with me if I do leave but it wouldn't be fair on my husband or my DF to just clear off on my own.

@kennelmaid, hello and welcome. It all sounds tough for you. Are you able to discuss your unhappiness with your DF? Would he understand? I know that my dad would never have wanted me to put up with anything on his behalf - my mother, on the other hand......
Nice new look @VeryMuchFlaggingMinty!

[quote kennelmaid]@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty thank you for the welcome.

It's hard. Honestly, I don't even want to have to take my DF with me if I do leave but it wouldn't be fair on my husband or my DF to just clear off on my own.[/quote]
But it is also not fair on you to be forced to stay in an unhappy marriage because it suits someone else. You can't put your own life on indefinite hold for other people.

When your father moved in with you, did you have any discussions about what would happen if anything changed, eg you needed to move or he started to need more hands-on care? What are the financial arrangements - does your father co-own the house with you/pay rent/make a significant contribution to costs? Would he be able to afford to live alone?

I would start having a look around at any sheltered housing/retirement communities near you, or near where you might want to move to, or even an elderly-friendly block of flats nearby, that way you have some options to talk about.

@kennelmaid Your dad may well be upset if you split but it's not his marriage is it? He may think he knows what your relationship is like and yes, he's there in the house but the only ones who really know what a marriage is like are the ones in it. It's the same situation as couples who stay together in a deeply unhappy relationship "for the sake of the children". I know the feeling of being trapped but ideally, what would you want your future to look like. Forget about everyone else - what do YOU want?

I am having reward-pizza tonight as I have battled with the many IHT forms and I'd like to say I have emerged victorious except there's the little problem of when my parents were married. I know where it was but my sorting out has not yet turned up a marriage certificate. It's the bureau of doom for me next week, the right hand side produced school reports from the 1970s and I lost interest before I got all the way through the papers wedged in there.

knot if you pm me the names and location, and a rough idea of when (a decade, maybe), I could look it up for you on the genealogy sites.

That is very kind of you @AvengingGerbil but I know if mum kept my school reports from 1969 she's kept her marriage licence. It's in one of two places and I've been through one of them already. If I fail next week I may take you up on it though.

Enjoy your pizza @Knotaknitter.
Echo others @kennelmaid we get one shot at this…..
@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty hope you and your dd are ok

Thank you @Knotaknitter and @exexpat

I’m a long term lurker, and can’t contribute much, but I’m a whizz at ancestry! So if you do get stuck knot, just shout.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty hoping you're both home and resting well, the lack of empathy from your mum is shocking Xx. I'm hoping you've got the hot water sorted out, these things always happen at the least convenient times. My DM is nearly 90 and is also fighting (also literally, that did make me laugh) fit.

@kennelmaid another one agreeing with all the others.

My DM's lack of basic manners, just with me I should add, is getting worse. She rarely says please or thank you and every 'request' is 'I NEED' or 'WE can go to ...' she never asks like a normal person yet doesn't treat people on the phone, the postman or anyone else like this. She couldn't get a pie she wanted in Tesco on Wednesday so yesterday when I saw her, I asked if she would like one on my Sunday delivery. 'No, don't bother' was her response. Often if she does want an item midweek she'll say 'I'll have that on Sunday' (on my delivery), but never asks nicely. She wouldn't speak to anyone else like this, well only DD, and it is getting me down. I need to pick my battles, she won't change or respect me if I speak to her about it, but it does upset me.

I did want to laugh today though, she told me she needs to prioritise finishing a knitted item for a birthday which is coming up so 'hasn't got time to do any cleaning'. Apparently, the toilet and washbasin need cleaning but will 'have to wait', I mean how dirty are they? That's a 10 minute job for me! She never does any housework (a habit of a lifetime), everywhere is filthy and I don't have any idea about the state of the bathroom myself as the last time I went in there was before Christmas, I avoid it unless a dire emergency.

@Fantasea I'm starting to wonder if our mums are related...my nan was one of 16 and grandad one of 11 so it's entirely possible they're distant cousins!

That said, my mum is an absolute neat freak.

We got the water sorted...she'd been faffing with the valves on the outlet pipes .

Also had another lengthy chat and parted on better terms...fingers crossed it lasts.

Felt decidedly ropey this afternoon so have been snoozy on the sofa and eating crap with Disney Channel on in the background.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty I have also wondered if our mums are related, there are just too many similarities, well except for the neatness. I found after my car accident that I felt quite rubbish for a while too, it's a terrible shock. Hoping your afternoon relaxing plus getting the water fixed has made you feel a bit better.

It's weird...I was almost completely calm when the accident happened and immediately after and have felt a bit worse everyday since.

I have a day at home today though...few chores, baking, going to look at a couple of online courses and work on application for an amazing job I've seen, then chill out with my new book.

Think I might be able to convince DD to cook again tonight as we're having another one of her recipes. She seems to be feeling brighter too.

And the reason I actually came on to post...I brought two of dad's old rugby shirts home from mums the other week. One to be made into a cushion (I've currently wrapped/tied it around one and added a few drops of his aftershave which is comforting)...and this morning, just out of curiosity, I tried on the other one and it just fits . It's a bit like have hug after a shitty week.

@Fantasea my dad’s like that. Apparently it’s because I’m family, please and thank you are things you reserve for non-family that you have to tiptoe around. Luckily he thanks me profusely and at length at the end of every visit, so I know how much he values me.

minty isn’t that normal? Body keeps going when it must, then, when the pressure is relieved,it relaxes and lets you feel all the emotions that you were expecting to feel a week ago.

@NewYearNewMinty what you're feeling is the trauma coming out after a dreadful shock. It will ease with time but you can't hurry it along. In the meantime, try and be as gentle with yourself as you can (and your DM will allow), easy to say I know. I can remember my accident like it was yesterday, I can still see people's faces and 'hear' the impact. I'm hoping you have a restful day in the comfort of your dad's rugby shirt. Best of luck with your application Xx

@MereDintofPandiculation it's interesting that your dad thanks you properly at the end of every visit so at least you know he appreciates you. My DM wouldn't dare be like this to my golden sister or her nephew whom she speaks to on the phone, just me. Familiarity certainly breeds contempt!

@Fantasea I think my dad feels his whole life is a crisis, so feels that saying please and thank you is as superfluous as, for example, when asking someone to vacate the building because the fire alarm is going off. I guess this explanation wouldn’t apply to your DM

Well here we go again...

Spoke yo mum this morning. She was planning to do some painting in the sitting room. Told her to just to do the lower part of the wall she could reach and I would do the top bit tomorrow or Monday.

Call at teatime...her knee has been excruciatingly painful and she can't weight bear but doesn't recall actually injuring it.

Message at 10.20pm to say it's taken her 2.5 hours to get dinner and go to the loo. Call her and
she insists she doesn't need me to go round and absolutely doesn't want to call 999 (even though she said in message she nearly prsswe her emergency button). Told her to call me when safely in bed.

45 minutes later another call - she's got as far as the kitchen and 'can't move'.

I've come round, managed to help her upstairs, but with her continence issues she needs the loo several times a night. She keeps a container next to her bed but is never going to manage that...doesn't have any pads suitable.

She was screaming in pain trying to swing her legs into bed so I put my foot down and dialled 999.

Waiting on possible call from practitioner and ambulance 'within 3 hours'...just as well I had a nap earlier!

Oh obviously she ignored what I told her about only painting what she could reach and has bee up and down a ladder half the bloody day 🙄

Im glad this section is still going strong and helping others. I started it about 12 years ago when i was alone in helping my mum.
Its hard going.