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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

988 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/03/2022 08:54

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
OhPleaseJustLast · 06/04/2022 18:48

Oh that sounds very hard @Lightuptheroom. I had a similar situation but in reverse. My dad, with dementia, pushed my mum, who was his carer, over. In my experience it was the safeguarding referral to adult social services that was the most effective of the many steps I had to take to get help. It sounds like both your mum and your dad need help. In your situation I would possibly make a safeguarding referral to adult social services regarding your dad, however, that would depend a bit on whether that is what he wants. So tough, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

MadameFantabulosa · 06/04/2022 19:01

I’ve been to see my Mum today. The conversation always follows the same subjects and the same order:

Who has died
Funerals attended and the quality of the food and drink
Who is ill/in hospital
Who she has fallen out with
The bins
The shopping bus
What was on offer in Asda

I wanted to take her out out, into town or a pub along the river, but she didn’t want to go. We ended up having lunch in the same village pub that we always go to. But it gave her the opportunity to fill in the owner on who has died recently, so she was quite pleased about that.

PermanentTemporary · 06/04/2022 19:06

I know it's double the work Light but what about taking your dad to the GP? A check up wouldn't be a bad idea after that.

notaflyingmonkey · 06/04/2022 19:30

Just checking in to pass the gin around (with a generous hand).

And to say that I noticed someone upthread saying about sitting in car parks crying. I thought that was just something I did - I seem to be so task driven, that if I don't get out of the car immediately on turning the engine off - that's it, I will sit and weep.

Lightuptheroom · 06/04/2022 19:47

We got dad to the GP yesterday, he finally admitted that mum is doing this all the time, though up to now it's been filthy language aimed at him inside the house. Their friends have started to comment that she seems very angry with him. He disclosed to the Dr that he finds the swearing distressing as she never ever used swear words before, but his way of dealing with it is to tell her not to swear, that it's not nice etc which just makes it worse. Will have to see what adult services say , I raised a safeguarding concern with them and nobody has come back to me.

OhPleaseJustLast · 06/04/2022 19:59

Could you heavily suggest to the GP that they also raise a safeguarding concern? I think it was the fact that the safeguarding concern came from the police in my case that tipped the balance with adult social services - god knows nobody cared three months previously when I raised one because my dad was wandering the streets in the rain.

PermanentTemporary · 06/04/2022 20:00

I'm glad at least it's on his record Light and the GP knows the score (do they have the same GP?)

Lightuptheroom · 06/04/2022 20:19

Not the same GP, but are in the same practice and they don't have 'named GP ' there so that should help. We have asked them to also raise a safeguarding concern, they apparently had to have dad say he was scared of mum before they could do that.

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 08:45

Well.
No replies but my brother has left our WhatsApp chat group...

countrygirl99 · 07/04/2022 09:00

That's not good

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 09:01

I've sent another e mail asking for a reply ASAP as I think they may even discharge her today

Fun times

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 09:09

@countrygirl99

That's not good
No. I think things are going to get bad tbh. Mum will never, ever criticise them so I guess my only choice is do I pull back completely? Hand over all responsibility to them? I'm so tired I don't do paid work (I had to give up my pt job due to mums health issues) and I turned down 2 pt jobs last year alone as I just couldn't see how I'd cope I can't understand how my life is considered so much more expendable than theirs? My sisters bad choices are not my problem My brothers lack of care is not my problem
notaflyingmonkey · 07/04/2022 10:03

I going to be brutal here Chiswick, but for every gap you fill, every bit of slack you pick up 'for now', it will increase tenfold. If you are tired now, it will only get worse. And that is not sustainable.

You have to protect yourself in all of this, and be the daughter, not the carer. If that means things go to absolute shit when she is discharged, then maybe that's what needs to happen for the care she needs to be put in place. Your siblings are being dicks so it sounds like you don't have much to lose with them.

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 10:11

Oh no, absolutely no relationship to lose at all!

I have recieved a reply from my sister...

"X and I have spoken and will do as you ask"

That's it.

So, I'll pick mum up tomorrow after she's discharged and then from Saturday I'm "off" til monday :)

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 07/04/2022 10:34

@ChiswickFlo I'm glad you've got a response and your siblings appear to be stepping up, however ungraciously. Enjoy your weekend.

@countrygirl99 well done on the wedding result!

@Lightuptheroom I'm so sorry you and your dad are having to deal with this. It's horrible when one parent is unkind to the other even if there's a reason for it. I hope the GP/social services are helpful and you get it sorted soon.

DD and I went to London for a uni open day yesterday. By the time we got home I had missed calls on my mobile and home phone, 2 voicemails and an email from L's agency.

Due to another client no longer needing their services, they want to change the times of his visits so they can cram in a new client. They implied in the email that L was wanting to make his hours up.

Mum spoke to him directly and he hasn't requested anything of the sort and is quite happy to have a few less hours per week so the pressure is all coming from the agency.

The new hours don't suit us as it's too early a start for a mum. We've been quite flexible before when they've asked us to change to accommodate other clients, and of course in an emergency but AIBU to think they're taking the piss a bit?

They always seem to try and change mum's schedule for other people and as well as the inconvenience it's distressing for her to have changes to her routine.

I'm minded to email them back and simply say it's not convenient.

That's fair enough isn't it?

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 10:35

Absolutely!
Cheeky fuckers

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 10:36

I'm going to actually clean my house on Saturday!
And maybe go for a walk 🚶‍♀️

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 10:37

Oh..where did that emoticon come from!?
🤔

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 07/04/2022 10:41

You're going for a feminist walk?! Grin

I had an altercation with a cocky bloke in his thirties at the tip this morning and rounded on him with 'why make a point of it then, would you have done that if I was bloke'.

He had no response beyond stopping off muttering expletives under his breath.

Do not mess with a menopausal feminist!

countrygirl99 · 07/04/2022 10:44

@ChiswickFlo you do that and maybe a nice coffee and cake too.
Conversation with DB1 this morning about a more mundane issue and I am becoming more and more convinced he must have had surgery to remove his empathy and imagination. As soon as there is the slightest problem he hits the "stop, too hard" button when often the obvious solution is to ask me or DB2 if we can help out but he keeps not telling us there is an issue until we ask about something.

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 10:49

[quote countrygirl99]@ChiswickFlo you do that and maybe a nice coffee and cake too.
Conversation with DB1 this morning about a more mundane issue and I am becoming more and more convinced he must have had surgery to remove his empathy and imagination. As soon as there is the slightest problem he hits the "stop, too hard" button when often the obvious solution is to ask me or DB2 if we can help out but he keeps not telling us there is an issue until we ask about something.[/quote]
Oh, yes.
Sounds very familiar!

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 10:50

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty

You're going for a feminist walk?! Grin

I had an altercation with a cocky bloke in his thirties at the tip this morning and rounded on him with 'why make a point of it then, would you have done that if I was bloke'.

He had no response beyond stopping off muttering expletives under his breath.

Do not mess with a menopausal feminist!

✊️
ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 11:37

My brother is the typical golden child. Youngest and only boy.

My sister is a very unhappy/moody person and always has been. Has made some very poor life choices.

My teen years were made miserable by both of them :(

I'm backing RIGHT off. I'm not prepared to make believe we are close anymore. They don't give a shit about me or my family.

Time to reciprocate.

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 07/04/2022 13:28

Ugh!

Just had a convo with care office who are basically saying if mum won't change her hours (even though I've explained I have a commitment and it's not convenient to change them), then she will 'lose L'.

I've called and complained to a service manager at their head office.

Regardless of my personal feelings about L, he's been behaving professionally for several months now and in any case I don't think they should be basically threatening/blackmailing a longstanding paying client.

Woman I spoke to at head office was lovely but I really don't enjoy having to throw my toys out of my pram.

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 07/04/2022 14:47

Have finally got mum to a U3A meeting this afternoon...she was so nervous. Ot was like dropping a toddler off for their first day at nursery!