Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Morning all, I'm a newbie to this thread.
Bit of background - DF died last year leaving DM, I'm the youngest child(in my 50's) and live closet. Most of the care and life admin has fallen on my shoulders, I don't particularly mind as I don't work and love my Mum.
Today I want to scream, my DM has just rung asking me if I can go and give her a shower as my sibling is coming to take her out for the day.
I'm NC with this sibling as they've caused so many problems within the family over the years.
I want to reply 'Let them help you' 'Let them understand how much I do for you' Let them step out of their comfort zone to deal with your needs'
But I don't, I put on a cheerful face and go and do it because I love my Mum more than I hate my sibling.
Rant over, thank you

Morning all, thinking of @freshcarnations and poor @NewYearNewMinty (and DD) today - hope there's a nice fresh pot of coffee on for both of you!

I'm a civil servant (as well as the writing job) and IRL if someone had a, shall we say, unfortunate incident on one of the interview room chairs we'd have a specialist cleaner in who deals with bio hazardous waste disposal. That is (IMO) the only responsible way to deal with it - for someone with the right tools and equipment, who can dispose of it professionally.
Makes me laugh when the private care agencies ring and I tell them that hazardous waste may be involved at some point. They're horrified. (Not unreasonably! I'd not like to go to work expecting to get someone out of bed and help them with meds, and find myself cleaning up blood and faeces.)
It's not reasonable to expect a private carer to come in and shovel sh*t, clearly, but it's all right for me to do it for nothing?

@Warmhandscoldheart sorry to hear about your sibling. I hope your DM has a nice day - if nothing else, it will be a nice day out for her I guess? Hope you can do something nice for yourself today as well though.

Morning all. I’m a lurker here. I have had some great advice when I’ve asked for it, but also, it’s just great to see other people’s experience and learn from that, know you’re not alone (although I’m obviously sorry that anyone else is going through it all too).

My dad, with dementia, has been in a care home for two weeks now, and seems to have gone down hill quite fast. Not unexpected - it’s become clear the only reason he was as good as he was was because his environment was so controlled, by my mum, who couldn’t carry on. Without her, it’s not, and he doesn’t want to be there. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t either. But anyway. The last couple of days I’ve started the day with a phone call at 7am from the night nurse at the care home, telling me that he’s been really disruptive, hit a carer, etc…and they’re going to have to write an incident report. I assume they have to tell family as part of process, but I’m a bit nonplussed as to what to say. I mean, yes, he has dementia, that’s why he’s there. It’s a specialist dementia home. I want to ask them what do they normally do in these circumstances? Is this normal - reporting to the family on every ‘misdemeanour’?

@freshcarnation - so glad that SS has been able to take the weight of your sibling off your shoulders. Just do what you have to do and be kind to yourself.

@Minty - so glad you and your daughter are ok. I think she is amazing to have gone to college today. Don't be surprised if it hits her later and she has a wobble. And the same for you too. I have only ever been in one crash and a week afterwards I suddenly fell apart. Up until then it was all practical/physical stuff and while my daughter was watching some rubbish on the Disney channel which featured crash I suddenly thought of everything that could have happened.

@MrsRussell I liked something you said towards the end of the previous thread about choice. You are right to say that your mum no longer has you as her choice. I wish I had been stronger sooner.

Hello @Warmhandscoldheart and@OhPleaseJustLast This is one of the nicest corners of Mumsnet. These people have kept me sane and made me laugh and told me what questions to ask when I didn't even know that asking was an option,

Morning ladies!

@freshcarnations hoping you got some rest last night.

@Minty hope you and DD are ok, I had a bad car accident 30 years ago and remember it now, don't underestimate how shaken up you both will be Xx

@MrsRussell so sorry you're going through this, having to deal with clearing that up can't be a reasonable expectation for typical carer so why is it ok for you to have to do it? For nothing too. I shudder at the stories on these boards of poo accidents but your situation is in another league.

@Warmhandscoldheart sadly, it always falls to the daughter who lives closest whereas the other/s seem to be naturally off the hook as they are 'so far away'. My DM lives round the corner from me and expects me to be her on-call servant, driver, therapist and punchbag. I have one golden sister who lives about an hour away whom Mum makes constant excuses for her lack of visits, she works (part-time) and has teens. I completely understand your frustration that your sibling is blissfully unaware of all you do, this is a daily struggle for me. It really saddens me that even though I'm on chemotherapy, my sister is perfectly at peace with me shouldering it all. It sounds as though you really love your mum and I feel quite envious, the relationship I have with mine is very strained and I struggle most of the time to even like her.

I'm taking DM to Tesco after lunch to get her weekly shopping, I was cross with her last week as the 3 things I'd asked her to get me (one was oats) were all 'out of stock' . I've found a 'live stock checker' on the App so will look at that before I leave for the 6 things I want today, it even helpfully gives the aisle number for each one, what could possibly go wrong?

@OhPleaseJustLast my dad had dementia and I recall that they do report these sorts of incidents. I also don't know what you're supposed to say either, DM took these calls when it was happening, sorry to not be of more help.

Thanks all.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere DD is amazing. I think she's naturally pretty resilient but it was something they put a lot of store by at her secondary school and it's stood her in good stead with everything we've been through in the last few years.

Her dad wanted her to write off the rest of the week but she was having absolutely none of it...besides, she has a very important appointment at the hairdressers for a new cut and colour this afternoon and nothing gets between her and a 'new do' .

I've have a good cry this morning...was feeling rubbish yesterday anyway with circumstances and bloody hormones so it needed to come out.

Had a fairly positive convo with mum this morning...she's very relieved were OK and offered to come round and retrieve the parcels for return if I didn't fancy going out, but I'm taking madame to the hairdresser later so will sort it then.

I hope it kind of jolts us into a better place as we have been fighting and bitching at each other constantly for the last week.

@MrsRussell...pint of proper coffee first thing and just had a belated cooked breakfast/brunch washed down with sweet tea!

I feel for you with the baffled carer situation...one of the most frustrating things when dad was ill was dealing with all the rules, regs, do's and don'ts and 'patient voice' bullshit parameters.

Sending you virtual and fantasea as I can so relate to your situation with your mum, although thankfully am not dealing with health issues (beyond the feckin' perimenopause) or an unhelpful sibling, which would really give me the rage!

I have finally managed to speak to the HRT person at our surgery so ball is rolling there at last!

Sorry I just replied on the old thread not realising this new one had got going. Thank you all for your kindness. Reading everyone's updates today my feeling is relief that my caring years are over finally. I'm sure there will come a day that I shed a tear for mum, or think back fondly on times with her, but that day is not today x

Just checking in to claim a seat by the drinks cabinet.

DM is due to move to a long term nursing home tomorrow, and the 'for sale' sign is now up at her house. I feel like the world's worst daughter, despite the fact I've done everything I can to support her.

I hope that she may be happy at this new place, rather than just 'safe'.

My mum has just phoned again to ask about her feckin' parcels

Hello everyone. I'm just rushing through on my way to a work meeting, wanted to check that all the kumquats had made it through to the lovely new thread - thanks @MereDintofPandiculation.
My DM is behaving quite reasonably atm and the lurking 'helpful carer' has moved out and is keeping a low profile - so far, so ok

That cockroach is a bit too lifelike for my liking. Not noticed it before.

Hello all! Thanks for the new thread @MereDintofPandiculation love the added kumquats!!
@NewYearNewMinty thinking of you and your dd.
@freshcarnation sending 🌺.
@notaflyingmonkey please try and stop feeling guilty. You have done so much for your dm. Please look after yourself.
@Fantasea hope tesco has stock and your dm delivers!
Took dm out with dh today for the first time since October….. due to her decline in mobility/ my surgery/ chemo.
She appreciated it and some of the regular staff there made a fuss of her. Not sure when next will be possible due to weekly chemo starting next week.
Welcome newcomers. Feel free to vent and rant here.

How are you holding up with the chemo sandwich?

Hello nota so far not too bad thanks…. 3 rounds down, 9 to go….
Main side effect being feeling weedy for a week/ 10 days. But ok and I’ve been v well looked after and surrounded by cake!

Hello everyone, and to those going through tough times, particularly sandwich, freshcarnation and minty.

Major progress here this week: DM moved in to her sheltered flat, it went more smoothly than I had feared, and so far she seems to be positive about it (and hasn't asked where her wine stash is). 🤞🏻she copes with all the new stuff and settles in OK. It has taken six months to get to this point after the fall that finally got her to agree to it. Now onwards with clearing and selling the house I grew up in...

@NewYearNewMinty thank you for the cake and flowers. I'm sorry you're dealing with perimenopause problems on top of everything with your DM. Great news you've finally spoken to the HRT person at the surgery and hope you can get started on it soon. Ladies I know on it say it's a miracle. I didn't have too many issues in perimenopause so didn't take it but my operation plunged me into full-blown menopause overnight! I had the most horrendous hot flushes for a few months and was over at Mum's when one happened. I asked her if she'd experienced them in her menopause and she said 'no, because I had a job'. That clearly would have stopped mine in their tracks 😆.

@notaflyingmonkey that must be very hard for you and you've obviously done loads for her Xx

@thesandwich it sounds as though your DM had a nice outing and appreciated it with you and DH, that's good to hear. Mum spent an hour and a half in Tesco and managed to get 4 out of my 6 items. Unfortunately, I'd asked for a bakery sliced loaf (in a plastic bag) and she'd picked up a non-sliced one which you have to put in the paper bags provided. I know she will have touched it and her hygiene is appalling, I'm talking not washing her hands after going to the toilet or putting the rubbish out so I have had to throw it away. I also noticed some yellow sticker items when I helped her in with the bags, one of them was a huge Pizza Express pizza in the black box, she hates pizza but it was reduced right? I find her frugality so annoying at times, she is very affluent by anyone's standards yet so mean.

I'm here to fetch the drinks and offer encouragement. This time last year was really hard, mum at home, MIL at home, one with dementia hitting hard and the other a frequent faller. A year later and I'm off the carer's couch as mum's decline was very quick at the end. MIL continued to fall, and after a few occasions where she returned from hospital and fell again the same day the discharge team decided that home was not a safe place for her to be. She's been in residential care since the autumn. I've gone from being run ragged with phone calls at all hours of the day to an hour's visit once a week. I do look back through my journals now and again and I'm not that person any more. It was so hard, looking back I can't see how I coped except at the time there is no choice is there?

Thank you all for the warm welcome 🙂
@MrsRussell thank you, I took your advice, went for a coffee and did some retail therapy.
@Fantasea my sibling is the golden girl too, she rides in on her white charger spewing forth nonsensical suggestions then rides off for months leaving me to explain to an excited DM why it isn't feasible. I hope your chemo treatment is going well.

@Warmhandscoldheart having a good spend always helps me! My chemo is going well thank you but leaves me with limited energy which Mum cannot understand. I feel very let down by my sister, I don't expect her to be here all the time but I would appreciate an occasional visit, just to take her out for say lunch or a coffee.

I wonder if the golden siblings know they are? Or do they kid themselves that their contribution is helpful.

If @Knotaknitter is making the drinks I'll do the washing up. I'm pretty much in the same position with mum in a home since October. I still have the guilt and anxiety but at least my time is my own!

@notaflyingmonkey I don't think the golden siblings consider whether their contribution is sufficient. I think they don't do more because they don't want to.

In my case the golden siblings don’t do more because ‘they can’t cope with it’. I oscillate between bitterness and admiration. I expect they’ll come out if it with their mental health more in tact than mine.