Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Chevyimpala67 I hear you on being 'done', whatever you do is never enough. You sound exhausted, but then you haven't had a holiday have you, just been on duty constantly to give your DM a break away when you're the one who needs one a lot more than her.

I realised my relationship with mine was over 2 weeks ago when she bought a house 4 doors down from me, plotting behind my back for weeks with my golden sister and not telling me. The icing on the cake was her getting shirty with me for not being delighted at this lovely surprise! Yesterday's display of her entitlement and anger gave me a little reminder of the horrors of last year when she moved here and has convinced me (if I needed convincing) not to involve myself in her move into my road, omg I can't believe I'm typing this. Whilst she was raging at me yesterday, she reminded me that golden tits hasn't visited for nearly a year as that's probably my fault too. Perhaps she can make an anniversary state visit to help her own mother with her latest move? Unlikely, as she as a (part-time) JOB unlike lazy old me on chemo. M told me yesterday she was 'viewing the house' again tomorrow so I'm also 'unavailable'. I just can't face her at the moment.

@Linda42 welcome to this lovely thread, so sorry you find yourself here.

@Lightuptheroom I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's so hard when they are doctor-avoidant isn't it? Mine is the same and I'm 99.9% confident she hasn't returned to the doctor to get another month's supply of diuretics for her high blood pressure and oedema she was prescribed 6 weeks ago, in fact I suspect she hasn't taken any of them. So hard when you're the one worrying and trying to hold it all together though whilst they're being so difficult.

I live 3 1/2 hours flight from my Mum and am back for the second time in as many weeks. The first time she dropped the garden shears on her foot and lost so much blood she ended up in hospital having a blood transfusion. So I spent the time cleaning the carpets and washing the kitchen floor (she told the 999 caller that she was “paddling in blood” and it looked like it.) This time she had fainted in the garden and hit her head. She called me to let me know and I told her to see a doctor as it could be serious. I got her usual “don’t be ridiculous” retort, but she called the doctor two days later, as she was too giddy to stand, and he called an ambulance for her.

The good thing about this hospital visit was that A & E have made an appointment for her to have the fluid drained from her lungs, so she should be able to breathe more easily. The other good thing is that my cousin, who is a nurse (and “the daughter I never had” according to my Mum - what about me?) is going to stay for a few days.

I thought I had persuaded her to get someone in to do a little light housework and maybe run her out to the garden centre occasionally, but she said it is “too expensive.” Have told her she can’t take her money with her, but she says she can’t afford it. It’s about £26 an hour for someone from an agency or £15 an hour for just a cleaner, but she is refusing both, as it’s too much. She has £50K in premium bonds and at least as much in ISAs and saving accounts. She’s 89, she should spend it on making herself more comfortable.

Omg.
I have no words!
I'm so sorry this is happening to you x

I live in the same town as mum. But my sainted brother and sister live closer...
I think I need to draw back a bit.

My sister is getting married (again) and I'm totally refusing to get involved (she was SO vile to me when I ran around helping her for her first wedding...) In fact I'm debating attending at all tbh. I don't want to play my "part" in this dysfunctional family anymore.

Tricky.

Thanks knot, sandwich, fantasea, glad to say he’s fine. No fractured skull, no concussion, just fury at the waste of a day.

To those of you currently coping with chemo, can’t imagine doing that and caring duties.

Hello all. Commiserations to everyone going through tough times.

I have just popped back to say that I am graduating from this thread, if that is the correct term. I have spent the past week sitting by the bedside of a dying parent for the second time in just over a year, and DM finally slipped away yesterday.

It has been a long haul for all of us: two decades of ill-health, disability and life-threatening health crises for one or other of my parents, during which time both my husband and my sister also died. I hope that this is the last funeral I have to organise for a very long time, and I am looking forward to not setting foot in another hospital or nursing home for the foreseeable future.

There is still a huge amount of bureaucracy, legal stuff and house clearance to deal with, but after that I will finally be able to take a deep breath and get on with the rest of my life.

Hi, I’m so sorry this is all going on. They are reporting back to you which they should be doing, it’s apart of safeguarding he might have a few marks, bruises or scratches and you need to know what started it off and how best to deal with it next time. There is nothing you can say it’s not his fault nor yours. My Nan who I looked after went into a home when her dementia became just too much. She was very violent and it took a long time but there was ways of looking after her, things she liked and didn’t and the carers need to learn them.
having a parent with dementia is heartbreaking and so stressful. I really feel for you. Don’t forget to look after yourself, people would tell me this and I never listened but it is true.

I'm so sorry x
I wish you a happy and healthy future xxx

@exexpat What a tough set of circumstances you have come through. It must be so hard each and every time. So sorry for the loss of your DM. Absolutely wishing you the best. Hope you can come back to us with a happy update in the months and years ahead.

@exexpat i am so sorry you have had so much to deal with. 🌺🌺
you are always welcome here. We will plump up the cushions and crack open the gin for you.

Popped in briefly to see mum earlier as I was passing. REALLY wish I hadn't!

She has given my sister £5k for her wedding. Ffs. She's determined to get through the money dad left (blood money as she calls it...)

Once it's gone - tough. We can't afford to run 2 households. Ffs.

Exexpat 💐 to you. What an extraordinary journey. I hope you can find some mental space xx

@exexpat sorry to hear your sad news.

@exexpat Endings are always hard, even when you can see it coming. I hope that you have a new chapter coming where you can just focus on your own household.

Thank you all. I have known this day was coming for a long time, and the future looks pretty good right now.

I have a supportive long-distance DP, and some time next year plan to declutter, downsize and move to another city, where I will be within easier travelling distance to his place (deepest countryside). DC1 is grown up, graduated, and happy with job and partner; DC2 has had a troubled few years but seems to have turned a corner and may be flying the nest within a year. I have friends and interests and lots of things I haven't been able to do because of constantly waiting for the next phone call and hospital trip. Life goes on.

@exexpat sorry to hear of your loss but understand about the future looking good. We had stuff booked both days this weekend and it was such a relief knowing we were unlikely to get a call summoning us to help in an emergency.

@exexpat so sorry to hear your sad news, sending love Xxx

@Chevyimpala67 oh yes, I'm familiar with the brief visits which inevitably lead to regret, hardly through the door when the next drama is dropped at your feet. Often, I'll greet mine with a cheery 'hello Mum, how are you?' to which her reply is regularly 'FURIOUS' and off she goes on her latest rant, without even saying hello!

Mine went to view no 11, her 'new' house omg, again yesterday. She'd told me at the weekend that she wanted to 'check a few things' with the seller and her adult daughter. I've tried to impress upon her the need to wear a mask when inside in enclosed spaces as she needs to be mindful of Covid for herself and also, not passing it on to me with my chemo that I'm always making such a silly fuss about. We watched from the front window yesterday as she headed round, mask dangling from her hand like a doggie poo bag, then emerged 20 minutes later with it still in her hand 🙄.

@exexpat You have had a dreadful time. Hope you have a glorious future

I'll greet mine with a cheery 'hello Mum, how are you?' to which her reply is regularly 'FURIOUS' and off she goes on her latest rant, without even saying hello! Well, there's your problem. Stop asking her how she is!

We watched from the front window yesterday as she headed round, mask dangling from her hand like a doggie poo bag, then emerged 20 minutes later with it still in her hand Oh, such a shame! Now you won’t be able to see her for two weeks.

@Fantasea my mum's conversation starter at the moment is 'i haven't murdered him yet' ... Well, thats good then....

In other lighter news...

My sister is getting married again (only 2.5 years on from leaving her abusive c%*t of an ex...)

Full white wedding for 100, 6 bridesmaids the lot...(Her 1st wedding was for 60 with 4 bridesmaids)

Yesterday I was added to a group WhatsApp titled "bridesmaids" with info about fittings next month...

Erm..what??

1. She hasn't asked me.
2. I'm 50 ffs.
3. The dresses will be pink. I LOATHE AND ABHOR PINK which she is well aware of. It really doesn't suit me either.

I mean..wtf?

I messaged her to enquire about the message and she wrote back:

"Obviously I want you as a bridesmaid I thought that would be obvious. I thought I'd asked you but evidently not (I've had a lot on) "

^ this is typical. The assumption that only she is busy.

I've told her I'd rather not - a 50 year old bridesmaid has a touch of the miss havishams about it imho 😬

She only wants me to run around like an idiot for her like I did for her 1st wedding!
NOPE

Ugh.

That message was the first since 1st week of April when I asked her and brother to help more with mum!

Ugh.

Contact with parents GP to try and get them to take notice that something is wrong... Informed that cannot speak to GP until 13th August unless we do an e consult... If we do an e consult then they will ring my (very deaf) dad and 'speak' to him as that is better than a face to face appointment!!!!!

I've told her I'd rather not - a 50 year old bridesmaid has a touch of the miss havishams about it imho Matron if Honour is a traditional role

Yes I was that at her first wedding.

I'm having nothing to do with it. I forsee much drama ahead, but I won't be involved :)

🙄
It's ridiculous with GPs atm.