Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

We had that palava with GPs with dad last year. When the GP finally saw him face to face (and then only after an extremely stiff letter from a hospital consultant expressing surprise that telephone consultations were considered adequate for a 94 yo, nearly blind, deaf man with heart and kidney failure among other things) she was surprised how much he had deteriorated in 6 months.

This is totally ridiculous. Could you write to the GP with your concerns? I have been worried about DM's health and rang Age UK to see if writing would have any effect. The advisor I spoke to said that it depends on the GP, some are 'brilliant' whilst others will just ignore your letter. It might be worth a try?

My DM is ploughing on with her move 4 doors down from me omg. She forwarded the electrical survey to me this week for my perusal and there are 26 faults, 14 of them highlighted as 'urgent remedial action required' the others less pressing. A few days later somehow, these have all become 'nothing serious at all' to her 🙄. She told me this morning (I hadn't asked) that the structural survey (that I had insisted on and was secretly pinning my hopes on) showed 'nothing serious', only ivy up one side which needs removing so it doesn't damage the brickwork, the entire decking is rotted, the fascias and woodwork needs urgent attention...I could go on. Her conclusion is that it was a 'total waste of money' so that's me told. She 'hasn't decided' what she is going to do about her current flat. She's proudly told me, many times before bombshell day, that flats in her block rent out for £900 a month so I know she has been considering becoming a landlord/lady for some time. This is the same person who can't read her own meters, work the Tesco website or make sure she has a firewall on the laptop she uses for internet banking. For the sake of my physical and mental health, together with my hurt over her deceit at not telling me of her intended house purchase, I'm working on stepping right back from all of this. I'm trying to model my responses on my golden sister's, much 'hmm', 'oh I know' and 'peace of mind' seems to fit most of her rants.

@Fantasea we have now written to the GP 3 times, including a safeguarding alert. We've effectively been ignored. The GP made an appointment for my mum, she made the choice to go alone, therefore we have no clue what was discussed. Mum doesn't even remember seeing the GP. After blood tests, one of the GP's rang her and said it was showing that she was type 2 diabetic and would need to make changes to her diet. She put the phone down after that call and told us that the GP could f off.
Mum was telling me tonight that she's hurt her wrist (she has advanced arthritis as well as what else might be going on) but won't be contacting the GP as there's no point.
Tonight in 10 minute phone call, she repeated herself word for word 5 times. She stated that she hasn't seen my sister 'for years' my sister visited on Saturday. All very worrying without the added aggression, swearing,shouting etc but the GP just doesn't want to know.

That is terrible, I'm so sorry. It must be so worrying for you. My father had dementia and lost his short-term memory and also became very aggressive with much swearing. It's awful to witness.

Sorry @Lightuptheroom - this sounds familiar. Would it be worth contacting adult social services with a concern about a vulnerable adult? It took a crisis to get any help with my DM, and this is the only thing with hindsight that I might have tried.

@Onewildandpreciouslife , bless you x we've also notified adult services twice... They did some kind of assessment, went to visit my parents, concluded all was fine (because my dad refuses to actually say what my mum is doing) Sent two police officers to their home after one incident.
I also organised an OT assessment, due to my dad's needs. They recommended a day centre and left some equipment - got dad to visit day centre, thought he understood that it was to give mum a breather (he's long term physically disabled) 2 days later he cancelled it and refuses to use any of the equipment.
We are literally banging our heads against a brick wall.

X

Slow car crash it is, then @Lightuptheroom

@Onewildandpreciouslife seems to be, I hear about lovely, biddable, understanding older folk... Friend suggested we hide my mum's car keys.. yeah right...

DM’s neighbour immobilised her car (he was her mechanic too). My DM is now in a care home with her dementia and is pretty vicious still

I feel sad when I hear about lovely, reasonable elderly relatives too. Unless you've got a difficult one, I don't think you can truly understand what it's like. I've been spared the car conversation as DM sold her car before she moved here a year ago. She will fly into a fist-thumping rage over minor issues so hiding the keys would be out of the question.

@Fantasea I really think people have no idea.. the rage would be unbelievable..
I've had people express shock and disbelief that we now can't visit my parents alone..
I do understand their need to remain independent etc, but the latest comment from a well meaning professional that we really should get power of attorney sorted just made me laugh... Dad just looked at me and told me he didn't need it as mum would handle all of that sort of thing (as she repeated herself for the 20th time and then called me filthy names)

@Lightuptheroom it's all so simple to the outside world - just hide the keys, just lock the door, get them to make a POA. Mine insists she's independent and ranted and raged at me all the way home after a disastrous doctor's appointment recently that she 'doesn't need a carer'. Her recent secret house purchase is her flexing her independent muscles but it's all too much for her. She knows best and knows everything about everything but at the same time is so childlike in her demands and neediness. Nothing we do is every good enough which brings on teenage stropping at best and full on explosive rages at worst.

@Fantasea ah yes, welcome to my world. Latest thing with my mum is that she asks different people to do jobs they aren't qualified to do,

She knocks on neighbours door when she can't figure out how to switch TV on, but of course they don't need help.

Plus then decides to approach any workmen in orange hi viz because of course they will resurface the driveway ...

My dad admitted that she's told him not to ask us to do things (85 and very physically disabled) so was still waiting to put the pole attachment back on the window blind 6 months after it came off..

Their cups are so dirty that nothing will get them clean.. my dad soaked them in bleach and didn't rinse them properly...

The list goes on....

Hi All...just checking in to say sorry for you loss @exexpat and sorry for all the aggro everyone else dealing with. Also welcome to the newbies.

I managed to get away on my holiday last week. There is no phone reception at the cottage so a brief check in text in the morning and video call via FB in the evening was all the contact we had, and guess what? Everyone survived!

Although I did get a call last night at 5.30pm from mum saying her ear hadn't stopped bleeding all day and 111 had told her to go to hospital so she was going to get a cab or ask her neighbour to take her.

Much to my astonishment there were no demands that I drive back immediately, just a message 4 hours later to say she'd been seen, had managed to cut her ear faffing with a hearing aid and neighbour had taken her there and picked her up. Also that I should get a good night's sleep before I drove home this morning.

I'd actually left early rather than do a sparrowfart run this morning, and was home already but have kept that to myself.

She knows I'm home now...no pressure to go round later as I'm taking her to her ENT appointment tomorrow and have to unpack and get some work...and btw 'let me know if you fancy a takeaway rather than cooking tonight and I'll pop some money in your account' 😯!

I don't know if it would be of any relevance to anyone here, but a tiny dose of Citalopram seems to have rendered her almost unrecognisable. She's only on 10mg a day which is considered a sub therapeutic dose but she's so much calmer and less defensive.

Don't get me wrong...there's still the indecisiveness and turbo witter but that's much easier to cope with when someone's behaviour is generally more likeable.

That said, I don't think I'll ever lose that underlying fear I've had since Dad's accident, that at any point something could turn our lives on upside down again.

DS2 is reading a Finnish poem at FILs funeral. I've just seen the words for the first time and seem to have a sudden @attack of hay-fever or something.

@countrygirl99 I lived in Finland for 2 yrs, the language is quite something!

Finnish grammar is 😱. Fortunately he is reading an English translation

Now I am free and with the wind I get to walk the borders of time.
I am the glitter of the stars, the flight of the clouds, the tender drop of the morning dew.
I am not gone, I come back to you in every rising morning.
And in every darkening evening I wish you goodnight.

@countrygirl99 Yes, it is dusty around here. That is lovely.

@countrygirl99 that is really beautiful

@countrygirl99
How lovely x

@countrygirl99 that is so lovely. Hay fever here too.🌺🌺🌺

@countrygirl99 a beautiful reading Xx.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Pleased you had an undisturbed holiday. It's interesting about the Citalopram, I think mine would greatly benefit from some anti-depressants. She is so doctor avoidant and I'm certain hasn't been back for her review for her high BP and leg swelling (which looks appalling to me), that I can only dream of her being a nicer person. I have thought, particularly lately with her increasing angry outbursts that it would all be easier for me to manage her if only I liked her a bit more. How did you get your DM to go onto them?

@Lightuptheroom that all sounds just awful and rather too familiar to me. Mine isn't quite at the stage of flagging down random workmen but could easily go that way. She's had some serious concerns raised in her electrical survey on her new house which she told me she'd asked the seller's estate agent to confirm where 'all easy and cheap to put right' 🙄. When I suggested asking the electrician who did the survey about costs and also gently reminded her that the agent is not qualified to give this advice and in any case, is acting for the seller, she bit my head off as she's 'bought and sold 9 properties up and down the country' but in reality, my father must have done all that. It's like dealing with an obstinate child.